Dumbdown and Drag On

Dungeons & Dragons is no game. Nor is it much of a movie.

"D&D" is the popular abbreviation used by aficionados of the role-playing game which taught us that dice can have more than six sides, the same game which is the loose inspiration for New Line's Dungeons & Dragons, a movie promoted with the tagline "This is no game," presumably because the snappier "This ain't no game" was already used by the Super Mario Bros. movie (a film superior to this one on every level). It seems almost too obvious to suggest that "D&D" actually stands for "Dumb & Dumber," and it would also, in this case, be an understatement. To fully comprehend what "dumb" means in relation to Dungeons & Dragons, it's best to simply describe a typical scene:

EXT. SOME COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LOCATION THAN THE LAST SCENE. DAY

Our heroes, FRESH-FACED PRETTY BOY (Justin Whalin), UPTIGHT LOVE INTEREST (Zoe McLellan), "DWARF" (some guy barely under six feet tall in a big fake beard), and JAR JAR BINKS (Marlon Wayans), are hiding behind something in an attempt to elude some evil guys.

PRETTY BOY: Boy, it's lucky we just escaped from that last situation which was severely endangering our lives because the bad guys wanted to kill us, isn't it? Let me duck my head as an arrow whizzes by, and then I shall continue my blatant exposition.

LOVE INTEREST: Yes, but now we're in this new situation, which is just as bad as, if not worse than, the last situation, and I can't believe you got me into this. In order to get out of this situation, there are first three things you must do, all of which I will outline in great detail as we try to evade capture.

"DWARF": Rarrrgh! I'm drunk!

PRETTY BOY: I could listen to your expository dialogue now, but why bother, since you'll explain it all over again in the next scene?

LOVE INTEREST: Oh, you are intolerable! Which is why I will fall in love with you eventually. But only after you've deciphered the Scroll of Scrollos, found the Jewel of Seville, and used it to locate the Rod of Dystocia, which will counter the evil wizard's Rod of Ravioli, but not for too long because if you use it for too long it'll turn you evil.

"DWARF": Rarrrgh! I'm gonna eat lots of food now! I wish I were having sex with a bearded lady! I'm funny!

JAR JAR: Meesa tinken weesa gonna dieeeeee! (screams like a little girl, hits head, and falls over).

PRETTY BOY: Now we must go on to the next scene, which will be somewhere else completely different with no explanation of how we got there.

Repeat the above scene over and over, occasionally splicing in the image of Jeremy Irons shouting pretty loudly -- imagine Christopher Lloyd's Doc Brown character from Back to the Future trying to imitate a William Shatner Priceline commercial with an English accent, and multiply by 100 -- to his evil bald henchman Damodar (Bruce Payne) in inexplicably blue lipstick, and a scene or two of Thora Birch (as an empress who resembles a Barbie doll) vainly struggling with inflection and an English accent while seemingly dosed up on extra-strength NyQuil.

It's amazing this thing even got screened for critics: New Line ought to be burying this sucker fast in hopes that people forget about it come Lord of the Rings time. Shall we continue? The only "dungeon" in question is actually just a dank corridor that ends in a trap door which leads to a treasure room, and the only dragons hardly serve any plot function at all. And to partially paraphrase David Mamet's upcoming State and Main, it looks as though Joel Schumacher took a dump, and the dump designed the costumes.

Not that there isn't some fun to be had. The film slips up when it actually tries to be funny, but when characters straight-facedly deliver lines like "It seems Profion also seeks the rod," or "Politics! I'm through with all that!", it's impossible to keep a straight face. Rocky Horror's Richard O'Brien shows up as an amusingly fey King of the Thieves. And bald baddie Payne, every bit as over-the-top as he was in Highlander: Endgame, is sure to inspire a costume or two in the West Hollywood or Greenwich Village Halloween parades next year, what with the phallic brain parasites that stretch out from his ear canal, the tittering gargoyle on his shoulder, and the stage-whisper delivery of lines like "Do not...let...them escape...or you will suffer...a fate...far worse...than that...which has been inflicted...on me." If he's referring to his role in this film, that's a terrifying threat indeed.

It should also be noted that the dragons look better than in the preview. While this isn't quite Dragonheart level, director Courtney Solomon compensates by putting a lot of the fire-breathing critters onscreen at once during the finale, which looks pretty cool. The city above which they fight, however, doesn't appear particularly real: It's like something out of the Final Fantasy video games, only not interesting, although one panoramic CGI matte shot of another city perched upon precarious rock outcroppings is inspired and Dr. Seuss-ish. And there's an upside to Marlon Wayans' highly irritating Jar Jar/Bamboozled persona (named "Snails"): He gets repeatedly and deservedly slapped upside the head, eventually receiving a brutal comeuppance that Jar Jar haters can vicariously enjoy.

It's best, however, to try to ignore the whole political subtext, pitting the bitter old elitist bastards who don't want change against the idealistic kids who think everyone should be equal. Given our current real world situation, it's easy -- and pointless -- to make of that what you will. It's also probably an unintentional in-joke that the unaffiliated Elf King (Tom Baker) bears a strong resemblance to Libertarian presidential candidate Harry Browne. But then again, virtually every enjoyable aspect of Dungeons & Dragons is accidental. Sure, it's a challenge coming up with a story that's half as exciting as any of the quests players have imagined in their heads. But one could start by avoiding writers for whom coming up with any kind of story seems to be a challenging quest.