The Lollipop Girls in "Hard Candy"

Yes, it's porn, but those expecting wall-to-wall blowjobs might be disappointed. Made in the late '70s, this 3-D oddity features a level of psychedelic weirdness that's likely to confuse the hell out of contemporary audiences. Three ancient Greek centurions wearing inner tubes wash up on a California beach looking to storm the walls of Troy. When they come to an impenetrable wall, one of them puts on an Easter Bunny costume and jumps over it on a trampoline. He crash-lands in a candy factory that's about to be taken over by an evil fertilizer company, where he inadvertently spills a thermos of cream-of-yak soup on the lollipops, which in turn become powerful aphrodisiacs. Still with me? Ample intercourse for all ultimately ensues, but there's also much more weirdness still to come, including some physical and verbal comedy routines that seem inspired by early Laurel and Hardy or the Three Stooges, right down to the pie fights and obligatory guy in a really fake gorilla suit. Although the legendary John Holmes gets star billing, he's in it for just one scene that appears to have been spliced in from an earlier movie. As for the other actors, they fall into one of two categories: ridiculously monotone or hysterically over-the-top. The 3-D effects don't really work, with the exception of a high-speed car chase near the end, and one spectacular "money shot" (call it "Air Pud"). Still, if you're not offended by the hardcore sex scenes, it's well worth the viewing to see some of the most inspired absurdism currently playing on any screen.