Yeah, so I saw this potentially controversial movie today with a religious nutjob star who has a totally homoerotic vibe, and a director who may be insane, especially if he’s marketing this thing to families…
but enough about my PASSION OF THE CHRIST DVD. I also saw WAR OF THE WORLDS.
(P.S. Totally lying about that PASSION thing for the sake of a cheap joke. Father, forgive me.)
There has been a lot of controversy this summer about whether or not the big movies are appropriate for kids. STAR WARS has some scary stuff, BATMAN BEGINS has mature themes…child’s play compared to WAR OF THE WORLDS. See, parents trust Steven Spielberg. Unless he’s making a movie about black people or dead Jews, his stuff these days is usually sickeningly sentimentally suitable for all ages. So if they see his name on this movie, especially since it’s about extraterrestrials, they’ll likely figure it’s okay to bring the little ones.
Dead wrong. Wanna know what the main thrust of the action is in WAR OF THE WORLDS? It’s all about li’l Dakota Fanning being horrendously traumatized over and over again. Granted, those of you who saw HIDE AND SEEK may think she deserves it, but your kids won’t. They’ll be freaked out along with her. It’s only Spielberg and Tom Cruise’s combined clout that keeps the flick from an R rating, I’m guessing. The aliens drink human blood, for God’s sake!
As for the extremely heterosexual motion picture thespian known as Tom Cruise, the movie provides a new explanation for his recent public behavior. Cruise, who likes chicks, plays a crane operator named Ray, who’s a bit of a jerk and a nutcase, prone to talking over people, acting impulsively, and being really judgmental. Is it possible the actor, who definitely does not pound ass, is simply still in character, unable to break from Steven’s excellent direction? Maybe.
Ray’s daughter is played by Dakota, whose character name I forget. Not that she’s playing a character — it’s the same precocious comment/stare widely/scream thing she always does.
The beginnning of the film is the most annoying part. Morgan Freeman delivers some narration here and at the end which borders on camp. Since Freeman isn’t even in the movieas a character, it’s stupider still. Cruise, who apparently loves vaginas, could have read those lines, or Fanning.
Anyway, Ray is a sucky dad, and his ex-wife Miranda Otto is clearly a good mom, except that she leaves her kids with Ray to go off to Boston. Ray has a teenage son played by some actor I’m not familiar with. (I didn’t get a press kit for this screening. Can you tell? Blame Paramount for not putting my name on the list.)
Ray’s kid is working on a paper about the French occupation of Algiers (that’s onea them thar foreshadowing metaphors). And it looks like Indiana Jones’ hat is hanging on Ray’s wall, but thank the baby Jesus he never actually puts it on.
Then there are some freak lightning storms, and a bunch of killer machines that have been buried underground for a million years come to the surface. They’re controlled by Thetan souls trapped by Xenu in volcanoes for eons…oh wait, no, not quite.
They’re tripods, with kind of a retro look to them, and they immediately set about incinerating people. Somehow Ray is the only human being brilliant enough to dodge all their fire, and he gets home to his kids, taking them away in the only car that still works. In yet another piece of incredibly good fortune, even the traffic-clogged interstate always manages to have just enough room for their vehicle to squeak by. The goal is to get to Boston, to see Eowyn. And if you think that car’s gonna hold up, you’re nuts.
Spielberg seems to have totally forgotten that he’s a wuss, and plays this like the Holocaust and 9-11 combined. Ashes of dead people fall from the sky. Dead bodies float downstream. Vast swaths of people are casually massacred. Ray goes to extreme lengths to survive. Though the perspective is frequently kept intimate, like in SIGNS, there are enough glimpses of epic destruction to ensure that you remember this is a summer movie.
There’s no love interest for Ray, but you shouldn’t doubt that if there were one, they’d totally have a shitload of heterosexual chemistry. Tom Cruise gets to cry some in order to prove he’s a good actor. Tim Robbins is pretty good as a character sort of based on one of H.G. Wells’ original characters.
You get to see the aliens, and they look like Jodie Foster’s dad. Sorry, couldn’t resist. I won’t spoil their appearance, except to say that given their alien bodies, the faces are too similar to humans. However, they look absolutely nothing like John Travolta in dreadlocks and platform boots. By the way, I was watching a VH-1 show today on nudity in films, and apparently John Travolta has a no-nudity clause. I’d like to applaud him for standing firm on his morals. Yeah…morals. Anyway, Travolta certainly is a straight man like Cruise. He has kids and everything. But he’s not in this movie at all, so I’m getting off track.
Other than the preposterous invincibility of Ray during the first 45 minutes or so, I dug the movie. Very tense, and very ruthless. The last scenes aren’t as great, just because there’s a meeting which takes place that depends on way too much coincidence, and Morgan Freeman’s narration comes back to talk about God, probably to try to soothe over people like Rev. Thomas Carder and Dr. Ted Baehr, who may notice, quite correctly, that the Bible says nothing at all about Martian war machines having been buried under the soil before Adam and Eve showed up.
It never says that the invaders are from Mars. But it never says they aren’t, either. I congratulate Spielberg on finding his cojones. I hope he keeps them.
Also, Tom Cruise is not gay, and I have never written that he is. Wally George said Tom wanted to marry Rebecca DeMornay, and that’s all I need to know.
I liked Freeman’s narration for two reasons:
a.) it is lifted directly from Welles’ novel
b.) it saves us from the Spielberg’s dreaded 4th act syndrome
Dakota’s character’s name is Rachel. Which is the same name as Katie Holme’s character in Batman Begins. CREEEPY.
I dug the movie, too, and even accepted the remarkable level of coincidence in the first forty five minutes (mainly because I found them so intense and well-staged that I wasn’t really paying attention to credibility). I’ll post a link to my own review when I’m done writing it in an hour or two.
Dude that was fucking funny. You made my night.
But you know nothing about extra-terrestrials and I do! And stop being so glib! Educate yourself! You have no idea what effect NOT seeing this film might have on those trying to get off of Ritalin!
Oh, and as I continue to procrastinate in writing my own review – here’s a link to my reinterpretation of that Today Show interview.
http://www.road-dog-productions.com/cruise.jpg
That doctored photo is not funny. That was a sacred orb I was holding and I simply am trying to get people to understand how Scientology can save them from the evil corrupt drug companies and psychiatric associations. If you want proof how these drugs have affected people’s minds, just check out this link:
http://www.amiannoying.com/(pxqyqcakz5ejagibaoz3oq45)/ranking.aspx
They have obviously brainwashed people into thinking I am more annoying than Paris Hilton. Get real…
Don’t worry, Tom, Paris is still vastly more annoying. You’ve still got your acting skills to back you up on your bad days.
My review: http://www.road-dog-productions.com/reviews/archives/2005/06/the_war_of_the.html
Acting skills? Acting skills??? Oh, yeah, right… Lol. Good one.
Great review…
And Morgan Freeman rocks, even just in voice-over.
Oh yeah. Tom is definately NOT gay. He LOVES Katie Holmes. A Lot.
This is one of the suckiest reviews I’ve ever read! Seriously, learn how to write about your subject, good or bad, don’t just jaw away with an occasional shocking (to your kidde readers) word here and there and call it a ‘review’. Christ!
fucking hilarious
This may be your best review ever!
That review was simply… amazing.. !!!
Funny…
Oh yeah, and if you like Dakota Fanning being traumatized, check out Cat in the Hat…
The funniest review I’d ever seen so far. Anyway, I’m gonna see the movie tomorrow.
Hilarious review! I’ve already got tickets for a 6:30 show tomorrow, and these reviews are only upping my excitement for this film.
Dude – That is really, really, funny. And I’m an old conservative-type guy… I’ll be back for the scoop on all future movie potentials. You doing an oscar preview??
I knew Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise was a friend of mine,
Senator, you are no Tom Cruise,
- you are as gay as Elton John.
Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.
You are a great ACTOR with big screen charisma. Remember you are the biggest star in the world. Don’t blow this???
Your are a goddamn racist antisemite – I hope one of this “Black People” or “Dead Jews” Speilberg writes about will find your mother fucking mother and take care of her.
I know you know what IMDB is. I think you just wanted to complain about the lack of press kit.
Hitler calls me an anti-Semite — I guess given the source, that’s praise?
If I can’t say “dead Jews” or “black people,” please help me with the following questions:
-Generally speaking, what religion of people, in what condition, would one find buried in an Israeli cemetary?
-what kind of people were enslaved in the American South prior to the Civil War?
As for my mom, I doubt she’s scared of the corpses of Oskar Schindler’s employees and Cinque coming to get her.
“The goal is to get to Boston, to see Eowyn.” That made me laugh for about 15 minutes straight. I was in tears after reading that. Because during the movie that’s really all I was thinking of. Cruise and Dakota are setting out on a journey to see a fat Eowyn.
Note: She’s pregnant. They never say who the father is, so I’ll entertain myself and continue thinking she’s a whore.
Thanks… i’ve just found my favorite website!
we just saw this movie and your review
says it all! LOL!
sexy dakota…ohhhh….unngh!