You know how people sometimes worry that they have friends who don’t like each other, and it’s said that “you can’t invite them to the same party”?
Read on for an extreme exaggeration that actually happened.
Cathy Seipp had a party yesterday — a pretty big do to celebrate both daughter Maia’s high school graduation and the fact that Cathy herself had clobbered the cancer odds and stayed healthy enough to see it happen.
I’ve been to Cathy’s place before for parties, but this wasn’t a normal-scale thing. She actually had formal valet parking going on, prompting regular guest Andrew Breitbart — suffering from a large bloody gash on his ankle obtained while climbing a tree [UPDATE: actually, falling off a wall.] — to say that he was going to have a party just so he could hire the valet service.
Andrew’s hair is unkempt, in an attempt to fit it with the other folks on Venice Beach. He lacks the facial hair of the true California Venetian, but claims he did have it a while ago. We briefly discuss porn, for some reason — he says he doesn’t like anything that shows him stuff he hasn’t seen during the creation of his four children.
There was also private catering, and the whole backyard was decked out with picnic tables and a bar which served wine, corona, and Hansen’s root beer.
I discuss movies for a bit with producer Lionel Chetwynd, reassuring him that the new Superman isn’t gay. I tell him we met at the first Liberty Film Fest, and he replies, “Oh, you were one of the ones who organized the whole thing, right?” I assure him not – the only thing I have in common with Jason Appuzzo is liking Revenge of the Sith. Then a friend of Cathy’s dad mentions that she’s the daughter of the late screenwriter Michael Blankfort, and it turns out Lionel worked with him once.
A few people ask why Luke Ford isn’t in attendance. I figure it’s either (a) because he’s not allowed to drive on the Sabbath; or (b) he doesn’t want the valet people to see his serial killer van.
Some of the kids in attendance bring a copy of the Game of Life outside, then get bored of it almost immediately. The dog comes by and lays a big turd in the box. Matt Welch is without camera when it happens; by the time he fetches the camera, Cathy has used a shovel to remove the evidence, though skidmarks remain, and are very nearly touched by human hands several times.
The dog is later removed because one of Maia’s Muslim friends doesn’t want it to touch her.
The food all looks great but I refrain from having much of it due to an impending dinner date.
Word spreads that Ann Coulter is supposed to be coming, with Mickey Kaus. Mickey is ostensibly a centrist Democrat, but has long seemed to have a fetish for blonde Republican pundits. This is not to imply that they are or are not dating — I have no idea.
So anyway, while talking to Christian Johnson and Donna Barstow, I see Mickey arrive with the Ann-tichrist herself. Donna says I have to talk to her; that she would if she were more familiar with Ann’s work. Christian is anxious to get a picture with Ann. It’s funny how there are people here who have probably used all kinds of invective to describe her, yet immediately wanted to talk to her. Liberal blogger Joseph Mailander, for one, was seen conversing pleasantly with her, and I hope he blogs about what was said, cuz I’d like to know.
Andrew’s a fan of Ann’s — I hear a fragment of a joke he tells her that begins “There were these two black guys…” but I didn’t catch the punchline. It was probably funny. [UPDATE: Some have surmised that I intended slanderous things with this graf; Andrew provides full context way down in the comments below]
I ask Matt Welch if he’d met her. He responds “Have you met Eichmann?”
Matt is amused to snap a picture of Joseph and Ann. At first, I thought he was just trying to get one of Joseph in the same frame as Roger L. Simon The Man Who Created Moses Wine, whom Joseph frequently and amusingly beats up on metaphorically. Roger looks to have gained weight since last I saw him. Too much lounging around in pajamas?
I did not speak to Ann, though had I done so, I’d have asked what church she attends. I can tell you that she’s very tall, freakishly thin, and has big hooters, though not obviously fake ones.
I tell Matt that I’m thinking of a joke along the lines of “What’s the difference between Ann Coulter and a turd in a box?” I haven’t figured out a punchline, but it probably ends with “….and the other is a turd in a box.”
Then we discuss the Press Club giving a big award to Larry King next weekend. Matt claims Larry King used to be good.
I leave early for my dinner date, as Cathy and Maia eagerly pose for pictures with Ann.
Sorry, IPs get banned as soon as you make actual threats.
Thanks Brandon for defending my honor — and our country.
The point I was making to Coulter and a large group of mixed political nuts, and it most certainly wasn’t a joke, is that my alma mater, Brentwood High School is having a ‘Diversity Day’ (read: leftist indoctrination festival.) I thought I’d try to summon the likes of Thomas Sowell and Shelby Steele to teach a seminar on the dangers of multiculturalism. ‘How great would it be to have these two black guys — these two peerless intellectual titans — come to Brentwood and blow them away that their diversity education is a sham?’ A joke. Ha Ha. Get it?
In addition to your major untruth, I did not get a gash climbing a tree. I fell off a small wall when kids called me over to retrieve a lost ball.
And my comments on my hair were said in jest. I did not groom my hair to comport to Venice standards. I think everyone but you got that.
Anyway, it was not particularly shocking to see that you slanderously suggested I was making a racist joke without even inquiring of me or those to whom I was talking, ‘Hey, did Andrew just make a racist joke?’ That whole, you know, journalist thing you claim to do for a living.
Whatever your complaints about Coulter are, your worst accusations don’t hold a candle to your a-matter-of-fact rape of my good name in the pursuit of pursuing a conservative libel two-fer. What are you going to do to repair the damage? The link has been mildly spread across the LA blogosphere and good people and acquaintances alike now have to ask themselves if I am a black-hating bigot. Wonderful.
For the record I have no jokes in my repertoire. No black jokes. No golf jokes. No St. Peter jokes. No knock-knocks. But I do have a question: Who besides a clown has a rainbow head? Perhaps there’s an open slot for you at Brentwood’s ‘Diversity Day’ to help explain its deeper meaning. If not, maybe you can blow up balloons for Welsh and the boys in Iraq.
What are you going to do to repair the damage?
I am your bitch. Metaphorically speaking.
We’ll talk via email if you’d like.
UP
My public apology.
http://www.lytrules.com/weblog/archives/001843.php
Bummer that it got to that… I’ve known Luke for almost 10 years.. and he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.
Truly a misunderstanding… He even made an apology.. That’s high class.
It doesn’t look like brandon welsh actually threatened to hurt you, but the implication is clear. which oddly enough sort of proves his point. He appears in other respects, however, to be an asshole.
I’d say “I watched them die and it made me smile” before saying he’d be looking for Luke is absolutely a threat. Am I just being a pussy liberal?
june gloom.
what’s the difference between a box?
Above all the stupid politics (you guys would probably like each other in real life), some people need to put SPELLING first (unless they sincerely believe that people in L.A. intend to “hat” an unsuspecting woman; possible, possible) and boring asshole-violence way, way last.
Not that the added press will hurt.
On a subtopic, although we all need our guiding lights, John Lennon was a selfish jerk. He and Yoko kept a separate apartment at the Dakota specifically for storage of their furs. Yeah, “Imagine no possessions,” you moron.
Meanwhile, since Ann Coulter’s hooters (or, to spell it as some would, “Anne Cuotlres hooter’s”) seem to be her only redeeming feature, perhaps she should consider doing conservative lap-dances for a dollar or something. You know, for the cause.
I think I had a dream several nights ago wherein I dropped a baby.
That sucks that there were some misunderstandings there, and also sucks that we have such a psychotic individual in the Armed Forces, supposedly representing our country.
Also, interesting that especially *because* of the true context of the Andrew/Coulter conversation, that he, at any point, felt the need to refer to those men as “two black guys”… it actually shows him to be every bit in the particular brand of “diversity” and “affirmative action” and “PC” than most liberals he’s bashing tend to participate in. Specifically, pointing out the gents’ ethnicity as a quota of some kind… the most important qualification for an invitation to their little lynching party (be sure to invite Brandon Welsh too, so he can flash a huge smile, take pictures and sell postcards out of ‘em, to show how killing is easy and oh so satisfying when your individual manhood is lacking).
I know you all feel that you’re doing those gentlemen (and yourselves) a favor by including them, “Look at us… we’ve got some black ones too!” and even if those particular gentlemen are too comfortable hob-knobbing with you to see the disgrace they’re heaping upon themselves and their ancestors by celebrating that they were “good enough” for you to “choose them” – it’s just as ridiculous and offensive and damaging to all of us, as slimy liberals who make the same concessions; “exceptions” for “the good ones”. “They’re not like those other ones, Bob… it’s neato keen-o to hang out with these black guys, because they can *help* us!.” It would suffice to simply say that you have some qualified professionals who would be effective speakers, and stating their names, and maybe a mention of their backgrounds to Frau Coulter. But casually reducing them to “two black guys”… the mere phrasing infers that you don’t necessarily feel that these professional gentlemen are equal to any of you… just dust off the N word and get it over with, for Pete’s sake, ask them to to a tap dance, sing an Old Negro Spiritual, put on a white suit and black tie and finish out the remainder of the event serving food to you and your guests, and speak in some neat-o keen-o Ebonics, but only when spoken to.
Oh, I know, I know… in your heart… you don’t believe you’re a racist, and you probably are without prejudice in a good deal of your dealings, I’ll willing to believe… but just like over-the-top PC liberals… we all know, you would not dare to refer to those gentlemen in the same way if those gentlemen themselves were standing right there with you and Coulter… you would not speak of them in that same manner if you stumbled into the heart of Detroit, South Central, Atlanta, or even the nooks and crannies of where I grew up. You see, “Diversity” *benefitted* me in the inner-city, in the 15th largest city in the country… providing me with opportunities and experiences such a conservative-leaning city threatened to deny me at every turn… shuffling monies to affluent neighborhoods, cutting education and arts programs, so on and so forth. Because of “diversity” that many others fought to provide for me and others like me, I still managed to grow up in a place where very young, I was introduced to and knew the differences and similarities of Vietnamese, Ethopians, Iranians, Koreans, Jews, Puerto Ricans, Australians, Germans, French, Irish, Nordics, on and on.. Many of these awesome people lived in my neighborhood and ALSO would have not idly sat by and nodded in approval if you referred to “two black guys” in our presence, when we all knew them as “human beings. I received a deep taste of both American and Foreign culture, diplomacy, interaction, brotherhood, acceptance, learning, challenges, and teamwork. Because of “diversity”, I had the tools I needed to go to the top of my class, be one of the top ranking students in the state of Ohio and to thrive when I traveled 3,000 miles away.
So Boo to your “exceptions” for blacks of any background and Boo to your Scroogeness with regards to “diversity” — except when it benefits you.
Signed,
Jaye (aka One Black Gal)
And P.S. … considering the “intellectual titan” status of Mr. Sowell and Mr. Steele that Andrew has acknowledged of them… I’m *pretty certain* that they also benefitted from “diversity” a great deal more than they themselves or Andrew and company are willing to appreciate.
Not to open a different can of worms, but just because someone has served in the armed services, is that supposed to give them free rein to be jerkoffs when they return? “Oh, well, I just killed tons of people in Ramadi, so now you better lick my ass!”
I have a huge amount of respect for people who have served in the military, especially during wartime. All of my uncles did, so did my dad, and now my nephew and his bride. But that doesn’t give them Carte Blanche to return home and be pricks. Perhaps our military needs to find a way to reassimilate their people into civilian life?
Previous generations didn’t view with an inordinate sense of pride the amount of killing they had to do in wartime–in fact, it was so repugnant to them that they rarely spoke of it. What does it say of our society that our returning veterans are happy to report on the deaths they have caused–in fact, virtually gleeful about it? What a generation.
That’s assuming that this guy is a soldier and not just some lying jerk trying to make people afraid of him.
Just like most people on the internet who say they are hot 18-year-old school girls, people who claim to have gleefully killed “insurgent bitches in Ramadi” are lying. I’m not going to cast any other aspersions on Brandon’s character (although I would like to point out the hypocrisy of someone ending a paragraph of ridiculous, idle threats by calling someone else a “keyboard warrior”), but I just want to point out he is very clearly lying and has not been fighting in Iraq. Similar poseurs have popped up on other blogs and have been sussed out.
Andrew, I take great offense with your casual use of the word rape. I’m not going to argue that Luke messed up and made a regrettable decision that may hurt your character, but comparing that to rape is patently offensive. The repercussions you will feel from this are far milder than the repercussions that one who has been sexually assualted will experience. I don’t understand how people can get so riled up when some political figure is compared to Hitler yet comparing the most minor inconveniences to rape goes totally unchecked.
Jaye, thank you for being rational and insightful in a place that, with all it’s references to hooters, vague homophobic slurs, and misspelled juvenile vitriol, is turning into a men’s room.
Jaye has long been a voice of reason in men’s rooms, and that ain’t no joke.
there’s not going to be any eleven foot tall jarhead cornerning him on the street, announcing ‘i am brandon welsh you have demeaned ann coulter’s breast’s honor, for that you will DIE’ and then pounding him into mush.
although while brandon is clearly full of shit, he is right that luke does stand out in a crowd.
Thanks to the F.R.H…. and being like nine feet tall…
Not always a voice of reason… just an alternate voice. And apparently, also a voice of more spelling and punctuation errors than should be acceptable (the fingers were a-flying… the ‘keyboard warrior’ in me was unleashed, I tells ya!!!)
Anyway, I’m glad it didn’t stir further animosity. I just wasn’t going to let something *that* ignorant, insulting, hypocritical and irresponsible, fly. What Luke did is nothing compared to the damage this guy strives to do this country and entire populations of people, every day, whilst thinking he’s a good samaritan. Bullshit, on that.
Luke, I answered your questions on Amy’s.