Read part one HERE
The first match comes before the official start of the taping, with the Motor City Machine Guns – who, judging by their work in this and a subsequent match, might be the best tag team going today – and Lethal Consequences, a team that appears to be made up of a black Randy Savage impersonator and a would-be Apollo Creed with a big ‘fro. Lots of high impact moves, by which I mean moves that result in loud bangs from the ring, but the MCMGs had better double-team moves and timing. Inevitably, they won. Later I learned that this match was technically a qualifying match to be entered into the ACTUAL first match of the broadcast. I don’t think the ring announcer told us that.
Remember the late ‘90s, when WWE was all about “Attitude”? Real attitude is doing what TNA did to kick off the show: getting Black Label Society/former Ozzy guitarist Zakk Wylde to crank out a super-heavy version of the national anthem. The Hendrix Woodstock version was mellow by comparison to this. And Vince wants us to pay attention when Lillian Garcia sings it reverently at every show? Well, I guess she’s gone now. I don’t know if anyone replaced her on anthem duty. But you want attitude, this was it. This was the America, Fuck Yeah of anthem renditions.
Then there were a bunch of fireworks, creating a smoky haze that never fully left the arena…except to fill up the outer passages as well, so that there was no escape from the smell of explosions. Speaking of which, if you could bottle the smell of explosions, I bet women looking to attract redneck dudes would buy it.
The opening match, setting things up with something virtually impossible to top, was the TNA invention known as Ultimate X. Basically, metal scaffolds hold up a giant x-shaped crosswalk over the ring, under which two red ropes have been tied that also cross in an x-shape. At the intersection of these is the title belt, and whoever gets it first wins. The only apparent ways to do this involve climbing the scaffolds, and then either pull yourself along the rope, or traverse the scaffold above and lower yourself down onto it. Invariably, people will fall from the ropes. There were a bunch of people in this match: Christopher Daniels (now billed solely as “Daniels,” apparently, which isn’t as cool as “Fallen Angel” when it comes to ring names, sorry), Suicide, Homicide (those two aren’t a team but maybe they should be…also worthy of note is that “Suicide” was deemed an inappropriate name for the kid-targeted action figure based on him, which will be marketed simply as “M,” for the vaguely m-shaped design on his chest, a la Spawn. Can’t wait to see what they’ll call Homicide – my vote would be “Big H.”), the MCMGs, and some little guy I’ve never seen before called Amazing Red, who’s managed by former announcer Don West.
The Ultimate X match inevitably involves a few attempts at elaborate moves which involve three or more people. Some were impressive, like a multiple superplex sunset-flip, while another basically involved a group of guys in a kind of scrimmage simply waiting for another guy to jump off the top rope and kick them…though they could easily have moved away in time.
Eventually, though, Suicide, Daniels, and Red climbed all the way to the top of the scaffolds, prompting the crowd to chant “Please don’t die!” Suicide and Daniels ended up fighting while hanging on the ropes, and knocking each other down. Red ended up winning the X-Division belt.
X-Division belt? I don’t know if I can explain the concept, exactly. It’s sort of like a light heavyweight belt, except that the major talking point is that “it’s not about weight limits, it’s about NO LIMITS!” So it’s kind of implied that X-Division matches will have crazy moves in them, but officially there’s no hard and fast rule about that. And anyway, as if to prove there is no solidification of the concept within the storyline rulebook, they once did an angle where Kevin Nash competed for it, and he isn’t remotely light or a high-risk performer. So basically, it’s a belt for smaller guys who have crazy moves, except for when it isn’t. And Red is both small and high-risk, for sure. And he appears to have a maze shaved into his hair.
Realizing it was gonna take a while to disassemble the Ultimate X set-up, I went to go get my first beer of the night, a Bass. When I came back, two female tag teams were fighting. Two of the women wore pink and the other two wore blue. The blue girls won. Hey, I bet the goth band “Black Tape for a Blue Girl” never thought their name could be in any way used to describe the stuff a female wrestler wraps her wrists in, but hey, life has a funny way…so sayeth Alanis. Not a bad match but I had no idea who the participants were.
Yet another unexplained TNA title involving Kevin Nash is the “Legends” title. As I understand it, Booker T invented this championship for himself, to be worn only by established big-name guys like himself, Scott Steiner, Nash, etc. But clearly there is no rule that says it can only be defended against “legends,” as tonight Nash would be defending it against Hernandez and Eric Young. Last time I watched TNA, Eric Young was an underdog about to be fired, but now he’s morphed into a cocky, suit-wearing leader of a group called World Elite, a gimmick designed to group together a bunch of guys with different backgrounds who otherwise don’t have much in common. The story here is that Young has paid off Nash in a deal that involves Nash keeping the title, and him and Young double-teaming Hernandez to get revenge from a beating Hernandez gave Young at the last big event.
Hernandez has “Hernandez” tattooed in big letters across his back. If you’re a wrestler, this is a good thing to do if you want to always be able to wrestle under your own name and not some stupid made-up, trademarkable thing like “Marcus Cor Von” or “D’angelo Dinero.” Tomko also ahs this figured out. Because it would look pretty stupid if the suits give a guy a gimmick name like “Pedro Pedroza” and he’s got “Hernandez” written on his back. The commentators would have some explaining to do every week. Though the wrestler in question could also be forced to wear a goofy outfit that hides the tats, as in the case of WWE’s “M.V.P.”
As for the wrestling…Nash is huge and still muscular and could kick my ass if he had to, but he can’t and/or doesn’t do much in the ring beyond punches, kicks, stomps, and falling down. Hernandez and Young did the lion’s share of the work, and surprising nobody, Young turned on Nash at the last minute by shoving Hernandez’ head into Nash’s crotch, followed by the pinfall. Now I guess Young is a legend, except he really isn’t.
One thing I would suggest TNA do is have the ring announcer be clearer about some of the rules of these things. For instance, the “Full Metal Mayhem” tag-team match that was basically what WWE calls a TLC match (tables, ladders, chairs), where the belts are suspended above the ring and a ladder is needed to get them. But with two belts up there, what happens if one guy grabs one, and someone else grabs another? They did mention that this was for the unification of Japan’s IWGP titles and the TNA titles, but it was not explained…and I only now just figured out by looking on TNA’s website…that one of the belts was IWGP, the other TNA…and so Devon from Team 3-D scored the IWGP title for his team, while the British Invasion scored the TNA belts for themselves, with the help of some super-jacked, super-huge dude in a mullet who put one of the Invasion guys on his shoulders so he could reach the titles. An Australian fan in the front row has a sign that says “Poms are twats.” Pommieland is Australian slang for England.
And this match brought up an issue that many a wrestling promoter has had to face – it is very, VERY difficult for longtime veterans to play the bad-guy role in wrestling, because fans respect them too much. This is fine if you’re Hulk Hogan or Sting…but for the team of Booker T and Scott Steiner, who are very good at playing bad, it was a near-impossible task to get booed, because fans are so glad to see them, especially in a smaller venue. Fans are especially likely to cheer at signature moves – Booker T doing his spin-a-roony breakdance, and Scott even managing to pull off the Frankensteiner, which most folks assume he’s too jacked and in pain to pull off these days. I have to say that if he is stiff and in pain, he concealed it well. Booker was “injured” and taken out early on…I’m fairly sure it was planned because his wife Sharmell came running out to check on him and they had a perfectly timed spotlight on her.
At one point, Zakk Wylde got involved and spit beer in some dude’s face. That was fun. And Team 3-D, formerly known as the Dudley Boys, put everyone through tables after the British guys did a parody of them.
That’s enough for now.
(Photos above courtesy of and copyright TNA Wrestling. Click for bigger versions.)
TO BE CONTINUED
