Fast Food Review: Wendy's Baconator, Hold the Bacon

I know what you’re thinking: “What kind of stupid fucking asshole orders something called the Baconator and asks for it without bacon?” And I know what else you’re thinking: “You, of course. What a tool. Wendy’s has plain ol’ cheeseburgers, but morons such as yourself couldn’t possibly figure that out.”

Let me explain.

I got a coupon in the mail for a free Baconator. However, I don’t like bacon. I wasn’t sure they’d allow me to use the coupon and ask for no bacon, when the whole point was to advertise that their all-new style of bacon is thick and crispy and not anemic like so many others. But while they were confused by my order, they made it happen. And I actually set foot in a Wendy’s, which I rarely do these days.

Because let’s face it, Wendy’s is really kind of terrible now. It hurts me to say this, because I remember the good old days of the Superbar where you could make tacos and spaghetti and salad, and Mello Yello was on tap. And I do enjoy the fresh, square burger patties. But aside from that, I feel like Dave Thomas needs to come back from the grave as a pissed-off zombie to wreak a li’l vengeance and shake things up.

Big problem #1 is the way they handle the line. Unlike most fast food chains with multiple registers, Wendy’s handles you like airport check-in, in one big long line where they call you up to the front when they’re ready. This allows for the pace of things to be decided by the cashier rather than the customer, and is inefficient.

Big problem #2 is how limited the menu has become. I remember with fondness such items as the chicken caesar pita, or the chili-chips-and-cheese (basically a small helping of chili-cheese nachos).  Now it’s all burgers and chicken sandwiches and not much else, and 50% of everything has bacon on it. If you want a bacon cheeseburger, I guess it’s fine. If you want anything else, go somewhere else. I’ll get to those “boneless wing” travesty things one day when I finally summon up the fortitude to order them.

The Baconator-minus-bacon comes with cheese, ketchup, mayo, and nothing else save the meat and bun. I asked for some hot sauce, which brings us to big problem #3: Wendy’s excuse for hot sauce is something called “chili seasoning,” which is a watery blend of karo syrup and vinegar with a tiny hint of tabasco flavor thrown in. The cashier even warned me that it wasn’t very good, and when someone at a food establishment actually talks smack on their own item, you gotta listen.

Anyway: not having a decent hot-sauce option is a modern-day fast-food no-no.

As to the burger itself — it comes on a particularly spongy kind of bun that seems determined to absorb every iota of grease. Some may like this, but I think it a bad idea. Meat and cheese on their own are fatty enough, and I’ll gladly take a bun that doesn’t quite so eagerly absorb all the ambient oil. Even sans bacon, this was a bit much for me, and I’ll eat a Jack-in-the-box Ultimate Cheeseburger with jalapeno poppers on the side.

The meat and cheese were just fine, but I really don’t get why Wendy’s loves to slather burgers in mayo, except as future fodder for the Stuff White People Like blog. Much like Undercover Brother, I need hot sauce as an antidote to this…but I’ve already described the poor substitute on offer.

If they offered a lo-carb version wrapped in lettuce instead of a bun, I could see myself coming back for more. As is, I’ll leave this particular item to the super-sized among you, and probably not venture into Wendy’s again for some time.

And: Wendy’s keeps their soda machine behind the counter so you can’t keep refilling it, as you can in EVERY OTHER CHAIN EVERYWHERE. A needless bit of stinginess.

As Dave Thomas himself once said in a TV commercial: “Enjoy what?”