In Response to Kevin Smith’s Snit-Fit

Kevin Smith lit a fire under critics’ asses this weekend when he went on a Twitter tirade suggesting we should have to pay to see his movies. Because I’m not interested in combing through all his Twitter posts, I’ll let Anne Thompson (no relation, as far as I know) tell the tale:

“Cop Out, a buddy cop comedy starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, scored the best gross of Smith’s career ($42.8 million) and a miserable 19% Tomatoscore. So Smith (aka Silent Bob) is now striking back—at whom? The critics (many of whom are personally fond of the guy). But having tweeted his feelings, now Smith’s brought them down on his head. Worth it? You be the judge.”

She goes on to quote from his feed. Here’s the relevant part:

“Realized whole system’s upside down: so we let a bunch of people see it for free & they shit all over it? Meanwhile, people who’d REALLY like to see the flick for free are made to pay? Bullshit: from now on, any flick I’m ever involved with, I conduct critics screenings thusly: you wanna see it early to review it? Fine: pay like you would if you saw it next week. Like, why am I giving an arbitrary 500 people power over what I do at all, let alone for free? Next flick, I’d rather pick 500 randoms from Twitter feed & let THEM see it for free in advance, then post THEIR opinions, good AND bad. Same difference. Why’s their opinion more valid?”

Smith has already moved in this direction in the past, having had individual critics like Scott Foundas and David Poland kicked out of press screenings of his films because of some comment they made in the past that Smith took personally.

I wouldn’t normally feel the need to even say a damn thing, except that for the past five years or so, I’ve seen numerous articles and people shit on criticism in particular and me personally, which wouldn’t be so grating if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve actually been losing my livelihood at the same time. To sum up: we criticize Kevin, and he still gets to make movies with Bruce Willis. We (I) get criticized by the public and our higher-ups, and our income gets taken away.

Due to issues of diplomacy and maintaining some semblance of connections, I have remained silent more often than I’d like, but I’ll be damned if the director of DOGMA gets to talk smack unanswered. So Kevin, I know you are not likely reading this, but listen up a little.

First off: you do not get to be both the genial self-deprecating jolly fat man AND the thin-skinned, cut-a-wrestling-promo-on-the-critics whiny bitch. These are totally contrary personas. Don’t want people making fun of your weight? Fine, then stop referring to it YOURSELF. Quit making movies where other characters call you “fat fuck” and “tubby bitch.” Either try to lose the weight, or own your fatness. Right now, you’re like a matador complaining that the bull notices the red flag.

Secondly, this whole idea of making critics pay to see your movie – it’s not that radical. Really. Other filmmakers already do this on a regular basis. Want their names? Tyler Perry, Neveldine/Taylor, Kevin Greutert, Darren Lynn Bousman, Uwe Boll. Heard of them? I know you have. I’m actually a big fan of some of those names. Yet I don’t get to see their stuff early – I hit a Thursday midnight screening, stay up all night composing a review, email it to my editor, and then guess what? E! Online and/or Geekweek publishes it first thing Friday, just like every movie we actually did get to see in advance for free.

Meanwhile, a paper like the LA Weekly will run a blurb like “JAY AND SILENT BOB SUCK DICK was not screened in advance of our print deadline, but a review will appear here next week and at laweekly.com.” Instant stigma to Weekly readers, who are savvy enough to know that this means someone lacked confidence in the flick (but hey, you want to be ranked alongside Uwe Boll and Tyler Perry, that’s your call). Granted, you are suggesting we pay for advance screenings…hell, I’ve done that, too. Ever see where a movie will sometimes do a national sneak preview, a Saturday or two before it actually opens? Sometimes these are earlier than press screenings, and we will pay. It’s not unprecedented.

Other points you try to make, Kev:

“Next flick, I’d rather pick 500 randoms from Twitter feed & let THEM see it for free in advance”

Sure Kevin, those are called promo screenings. Go for it. Just please keep them separate from press screenings – little pisses me off more, professionally, than when I find out a screening I’m going to is a radio station promo with all kinds of yelling and T-shirt giveaways and bad stand-up and stupid contests.

“Why’s their opinion more valid?”

Our opinions aren’t more VALID…they just tend to be more articulate and readable, which is what we’re hired for. Why are you more valid a director for a studio movie than me? I went to film school. But guess what, you’ve proven yourself a bit along the way. So have I, as a writer. I’m trying to do so as an actor as well, but would never suggest I deserve automatic good reviews for it.

“Like, why am I giving an arbitrary 500 people power over what I do at all?”

Uhhhh…what POWER do we have, exactly? Even the overwhelmingly negative reviews for COP OUT didn’t stop it from being your highest grosser EVER. Meanwhile, most of us critics struggle to pay the bills. Boo-hoo, whiny boy. Oh, and where does that 500 number come from? Last time I checked, the actual number of employed critics in the U.S. was maybe one-tenth of that.

Take a deep breath, Kevin, and take in a few things: You get to make movies for a living. By your own account, your wife is a fantastic lay. You have (in)action figures of yourself. To supplement your income, you can just show up and talk about whatever comes into your head for an hour or so, and people pay money to watch.

Why the FUCK do you care what we say? Let your studio publicists do their job.

And besides, I liked COP OUT.