I would like you to tell me which are your two favorite FAST FOOD REVIEWS from Geekweek.

I would also like [...]]]> Dear readers — for reasons I’m not going to get into just yet, I need to select the very best of some of my Geekweek columns. I would like to hear from you before I do.

I would like you to tell me which are your two favorite FAST FOOD REVIEWS from Geekweek.

I would also like to know what your two favorite Geekweek Movie Reviews (any article whose title begins “LYT REVIEW”) are.

And finally, your two favorite “ill LYTeracy” columns.

Your responses will be MOST helpful. Please leave them in comments.

Speaks for itself.

Meanwhile, if you still care, I reviewed SALT:

The crux of the entire thing is that we don’t know what’s going on inside our main character’s head, which makes her impossible to identify with or relate to. This can work if the folks opposing her are compelling and identifiable, but they [...]]]>

Speaks for itself.

Meanwhile, if you still care, I reviewed SALT:

The crux of the entire thing is that we don’t know what’s going on inside our main character’s head, which makes her impossible to identify with or relate to. This can work if the folks opposing her are compelling and identifiable, but they are neither: Chiwetel Ejiofor turns in an uncharacteristically generic and lazy performance as the skeptical Peabody, while Schreiber only serves to remind us that he was in a more official Manchurian Candidate remake.

More fun than that was LIFE DURING WARTIME:

There is, however, more going on here than just dirty humor. The complete recasting of every major player gives a unique cinematic shorthand for the ways in which people change over the course of a decade…and in more ways than one might realize at first. Coming out of the movie, for example, I was convinced that Allison Janney’s Trish Jordan and Michael Lerner’s Harvey Wiener were the only major characters not to be recast, as a way of showing that these individuals had not moved on sufficiently with their lives. Then I went to imdb, and I was completely wrong: Cynthia Stevenson had originally played Trish, with Bill Buell the first Harvey. Already, and possibly without even trying, the movie has taught me a quick lesson in questioning memory and perception.

A long-overdue review of Baja Fresh:

Normally, if I ordered something called a nacho burrito and got something this dry and annoying, I’d imagine I just caught an employee on a bad day. But three bad burritos in three days, y’know…there’s probably some kind of appropriate metaphor to be had in a [...]]]> Let’s dive in, shall we?

A long-overdue review of Baja Fresh:

Normally, if I ordered something called a nacho burrito and got something this dry and annoying, I’d imagine I just caught an employee on a bad day. But three bad burritos in three days, y’know…there’s probably some kind of appropriate metaphor to be had in a sport, like maybe baseball; I just can’t quite think of what it might be.

A PREDATOR sequel that doesn’t suck:

It’s frustrating the way this mystery over where they are is drawn out, because it’s unlikely moviegoers can’t predict what’s coming in a movie called Predators that has a picture of the main Predator on its poster.

So given that you already know this is a movie about humans hunted by Predators where, in all likelihood, the main characters will get picked off one by one, we might as well cut to the chase.

Nic Cage trains Mickey Mouse? Not quite:

Contrary to popular belief, the story of a hapless wizard’s assistant who misguidedly brings broomsticks to life doesn’t originate with Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe first wrote it as a poem in 1797. So it really isn’t as blasphemous as some may think to have Jay Baruchel follow in Mickey’s footsteps as a physics student named Dave, or that the long-bearded sorcerer Yensid (Disney spelled backward) has been replaced by Nicolas Cage as Balthasar Blake, an apprentice of Merlin’s who is destined to remain immortal until he can find the legendary magician’s true heir.

The summer movie everyone had high hopes for pays off:

It’s tough to review a movie when everyone you mention the title to sticks their fingers in their ears and goes “LALALALA! No spoilers!” So all we’ll say to those folks is that Inception’s a smartly scripted, big-budget action/heist movie of the sort you’d expect from the director of The Dark Knight.

Finally, KFC’s new Double Down spinoff called the Doublicious:

Doublicious definition
Makes this boy go crazy
They want the spin-off
So they make a rip-off that is lazy

KFC, see, it ain’t breezy
You can’t please me just this easy
There’s a reason the Double Down pleased ‘em
This is a cynical attempt to squeeze ‘em

Boneless wings are bullshit.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest right upfront. Nothing personal to the heirs of the late Dave Thomas, but despite the fact that Budweiser hails the nameless “Mr. Boneless Buffalo Wing Inventor” as one of their Real Men of Genius, [...]]]> First, the fast food. Let’s talk about Chipotle Boneless Wings:

Boneless wings are bullshit.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest right upfront. Nothing personal to the heirs of the late Dave Thomas, but despite the fact that Budweiser hails the nameless “Mr. Boneless Buffalo Wing Inventor” as one of their Real Men of Genius, the truth is that these things are a lie. Boneless “wings” contain breast meat. Only someone who has never eaten a whole chicken before could possibly mistake that for wing meat. They’re even more deceptive than the places that have “wings” on the menu but then only serve you drumettes, leaving out the essential lower part of the wing (which is better) and the tip, which can occasionally contain a tiny bit of crunchy goodness worth nibbling.

And cheap chicken and beer, the necessities of life:

But how good can movie theater chicken be? Let’s begin by saying I’ve had much worse at more “legitimate” eateries.

These tenders are breaded, fried, and frozen; then re-heated in AMC’s ovens, which are not unlike Subway’s toaster ovens. This results in them being served piping hot, and occasionally garnished with unidentified bits of blackened burning. Sound gross? Nahh, it adds character. Makes it feel genuinely oven-fresh, in a weird way.

Onward to movies. Let us discuss GET HIM TO THE GREEK:

Is Russell Brand an ironic pretentious jackass, or a genuine one? Articles like the recent Rolling Stone cover story cast some doubt on the issue…but on the other hand, the ensuing confusion arguably makes him more believable as an obnoxious rock celebrity who has not only ruined his own life, but also sucks the lives around him into his circle of self-destruction.

And KILLERS, too:

Romantic farces depend on conflict. Get a duo that can bicker amusingly rather than irritatingly, throw them into a sticky situation, and you’ve got the makings of classic screwball. The only screwball here, however, seems to be director Robert Luketic (whose Legally Blonde looks like an all-time classic by comparison), a filmmaker who takes almost an hour to disrupt this happy couple’s idyllic life with a dose of attempted murder.

I finally ate the one fast food item I’ve been wanting to try for a while:

Oh yeah. Four words no-one ever thought to put together before: CHILI CHEESE FRIES BURRITO. For those of you who just hate the Atkins diet, and every other diet.

It’s [...]]]> When the girlfriend’s away, the writer’s cramp will display…

I finally ate the one fast food item I’ve been wanting to try for a while:

Oh yeah. Four words no-one ever thought to put together before: CHILI CHEESE FRIES BURRITO. For those of you who just hate the Atkins diet, and every other diet.

It’s the skinniest damn burrito I’ve ever seen, that’s for sure. When you order a hot dog and a burrito, generically speaking, and two wrapped things show up on your tray, any educated guesser would assume the fatter one is the burrito. Nope. This is barely a burrito; it’s like a soft taquito on steroids.

I also wrote about wrestling toys:

The “Ruthless Aggression” style of wrestling figure is now seven years old. Mattel, which acquired the WWE license when it expired for Jakks, has since flooded stores with more accurate and detailed figures. At one point, Jakks could roll out any old thing, and fans would be all, “hey new figures, whatevs.” But they just unveiled the prototypes for the new “Legends of the Ring” line, which will feature classic TNA and NWA wrestlers, and man, these things are pathetic.

Not to mention a certain former wrestler and his newest stuff:

In-the-know fans are aware that there was some talk of Warrior being a WWE Hall of Fame inductee this year. Warrior says he turned down the offer due to Vince McMahon’s refusal to apologize for the “Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” DVD, noting that either the DVD or the Hall of Fame offer must be a joke, as the two are mutually exclusive — either Ultimate Warrior is hall-of-fame worthy, or a self-destructive loser, but not both.

This prompted Ted DiBiase, who ultimately was the main inductee, to comment that Warrior didn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. Rarely at a loss for words, the Ultimate One has fired back with a new online commentary that takes particular aim at DiBiase’s newfound role as a minister.

I reviewed PRINCE OF PERSIA, the movie:

Gyllenhaal plays Dastan, and we know he’s called Dastan, because characters specifically refer to him by name onscreen every two minutes or so. (Perhaps “Dastan” is ancient Persian for “Denny.”) Just like Disney’s Aladdin, he’s a street urchin who becomes a prince, though the process for Dastan is a whole lot quicker…the King likes seeing a little kid stand up to one of his guards, and instantly adopts him, in the manner that monarchs tend to do. This despite the fact that the king already has two sons, Tus (Richard Coyle) and Garsiv (Toby Kebbell). All of them have English accents for consistency.

And the newest Jean-Pierre Jeunet whimsy, MICMACS:

What we have here is a very fun movie to look at, and that is in no way meant to damn with faint praise. Jeunet, like his obvious antecedent Terry Gilliam, is good at making stuff that’s cool, and that should not be casually dismissed. But while he aims for the belly laugh, he misses the heart, and like the bullet in Bazil’s head, MICMACS skirts the edges of one’s cerebellum, threatening to  fully engage but never quite doing so.

Mickey Rourke on a drinking straw makes a certain amount of ironic sense. Mickey Rourke getting his own menu item at Burger King, however…I never thought I’d see that day come. A cocktail at the Frolic Room, sure. But a burger? I guess it [...]]]> Continuing my Mickey Rourke merchandise obsession, a review of the Whiplash Whopper:

Mickey Rourke on a drinking straw makes a certain amount of ironic sense. Mickey Rourke getting his own menu item at Burger King, however…I never thought I’d see that day come. A cocktail at the Frolic Room, sure. But a burger? I guess it follows when you realize that his face somewhat resembles a pound of ground beef.

Some Mountain Dew-mocracy with this one:

Before Red Bull, Mountain Dew was known as the caffeine king of carbonated beverages, and its glowing green color, suggesting radioactivity and/or Kryptonite, only added to the appeal. Quark could have served this on Deep Space Nine.

A movie review of LETTERS TO JULIET:

I get THE NOTEBOOK. Can’t say I fully enjoy it, but I get why it works. And I do enjoy me some Garner and Rowlands in most anything these days. I don’t get TWILIGHT. I don’t get most of the movies Kate Hudson chooses to make. Ashley Judd’s output over the last decade was mostly horrific to me. So maybe I am hopelessly unromantic, but I’d like to think that somewhere out there, somebody can make a love story that appeals to crying women without insulting my intelligence and standards. Until then, I get to sit through tedious exercises like LETTERS TO JULIET.

Follow that with some El Pollo Loco chicken sandwich reviewing:

The Jalapeno sandwich, comes with a slice of pepper jack cheese that is warmed enough to sweat, but not enough to melt. A minor error in judgment on that, I’d say, but the taste is still acceptable. Then there’s chipotle sauce…mmmm…chipotle….seriously, this particular chipotle sauce may be the best fast food version I’ve had, with the smoked peppers distinctly hitting the palate. With just the right number of pepper slices melting into this sauce on top of that nice big chunk o’ breast, you get yourself something that wouldn’t be amiss on a real restaurant’s menu.

I wrote an open letter to Shia LaBeouf:

When President Obama went to Europe after being elected, his critics accused him of embarking on an “apology” tour on America’s behalf. One can debate the extent to which such comments were accurate, but what is certain is that they pale in comparison to YOUR recent trip to Europe, during the course of which you’ve felt the need to explicitly, and without equivocation, apologize for TRANSFORMERS 2 and INDIANA JONES 4 (Yes, I know neither one is actually, specifically referred to in the official title by number, but it’s easier, and we all know which movies I’m talking about).

And then a review of MACGRUBER:

Originally a one-note parody of the ‘80s TV show MacGyver, MacGruber (Will Forte) as a sketch character was also a virtual update of the ‘80s SNL sketch “Toonces, the Driving Cat.” Every skit is more or less the same: a character with an alleged talent invariably screws up and kills everyone, only to return again some subsequent week and do more or less the same thing. Various MacGruber sketches have also depicted him with a gay son (Shia LaBeouf) and as the actual son of MacGyver (played once again by original star Richard Dean Anderson). The movie ignores any such “canon,” as it were, carrying over only Kristen Wiig as sidekick Vicki St. Elmo (though to appreciate the movie’s funniest line, a passing knowledge of the sketch is helpful).

Also one of IRON MAN 2:

It may not pack the same surprise as the first one, but with a half-dozen major characters and subplots, this sequel feels like an actual Marvel comic set in a superheroic universe.

…and ROBIN HOOD:

I tuned out right about the time Robin started lecturing Prince John and an assembled group of barons about a bill of rights and limited central government. Scott and Crowe should have just gone ahead and done a George Washington biopic instead.