I didn’t especially have much desire [...]]]> This past August, I passed the ten-year mark as a film critic. My, how times have changed. When I started, it actually seemed like a more pragmatic career move than acting. And I made a good living at it. The paper ran as many as six full-length reviews a week.

I didn’t especially have much desire to do a Best of the Decade list, but every LAFCA member is being asked to do one. And it isn’t quite my full tenure — my very first ten-best list was for 1999, an indisputably great year.

I don’t really know how it’s gonna go, but I know this much – it makes sense to cull my 10 Best of the Decade from the top-ten lists I’ve done every year from 2000-now. But it’s not as simple as just picking all the number ones.

Usually, on my end-of-year list, I put my very clear favorites in the top couple of slots, then try to pick a diverse bunch from the rest of movies I’ve liked, giving preference to projects that have shown me something different, or advanced the artform in some way. So while #1 usually represents my favorite filmgoing experience, it isn’t always a landmark film that can stand for the ages.

And what of something like THE ROOM? Consistently one of my favorite things to watch, yet putting it on the best of ANYTHING list seems truly wrong.

Let’s take a look at my lists, and maybe we can discuss and help refine the process a bit:

Best of 2000:

1. Tomorrow Night

2. Unbreakable

3. A Moment of Innocence

4. Charlie’s Angels

5. The Specials

6. Dinosaur

7. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

8. Dark Days

9. You Can Count On Me

10. Ratcatcher

Wow, now that is a diverse fucking list. Maybe the most diverse one I’ve ever had. those were the days when my review assignments were all over the map — I doubt I’d ever have even seen A Moment of Innocence unless I’d been forced to. Of all my lists, this is the one I would easily bet $1000 that none of you reading has seen every one of. My #1, Tomorrow Night, is still great in many ways…but it may yet be released by IFC in 2010, which would make it a movie of next decade. With that said, it did play L.A. for one weekend in 2000, and is the sort of movie that a critic ought to get behind, especially since time has vindicated many of the then-unknown cast, among them Wanda Sykes, JB Smoove, Steve Carell, and Robert Smigel. Unbreakable is still my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie, and has Sam Jackson actually giving a moving performance rather than just yelling. The Specials is funny as fuck, but that’s it. I’ve taken much heat over the years for Charlie’s Angels…and I think now that the use of Blink 182’s “All the Small Things” might just be unforgivable in the long run. Ratcatcher and Dark Days would likely make my best of year list again if they were to be rereleased.

As for Crouching Tiger, I feel like there may be better movies of its type. Ditto You Can Count on Me.

Best of 2001:

1. (tie) Ghost World/Amelie

2. Spy Kids

3. Memento

4. Session 9

5. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

6. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

7. A.I.: Artifical Intelligence

8. Chopper

9. The Royal Tenenbaums

10. Black Hawk Down

Wow. WOW. I forgot I loved Spy Kids that much…it really got tainted by the fact that Rodriguez’s family follow-ups were never remotely as good. I remember loving both Ghost World and Amelie…in hindsight, though, I’d have to say Amelie was a better piece of filmmaking, and definitely needs to be on the Decade list; Ghost World just happened to resonate with things in my life. Final Fantasy and Chopper broke new ground at the time, but have maybe been eclipsed now. Harry Potter brings up the dilemma of the franchise — how do you grade the franchise movies you love? Can you put a Harry Potter movie by itself on a Decade list…or a Lord of the Rings movie that depends on the other two? In this case, Harry Potter 1 does work by itself, but most will agree that part 3 was the best. yet it couldn’t have existed as such without the knowledge you bring to it from part one.

Royal Tenenbaums and Memento speak for themselves. Session 9 is still underrated.

Best of 2002:

2002

1. Spirited Away

2. About Schmidt

3. Lovely & Amazing

4. Jackass the movie

5. One Hour Photo

6. Spider-Man

7. Scarlet Diva

8. Das Experiment

9. The 25^th Hour

10. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Spirited Away is a good contender for best-of-decade, for sure; my favorite film by an acknowledged master. About Schmidt is one I actually bought on DVD and never rewatched, but I do think it’s better than the subsequent Sideways. Lovely and Amazing was a nice change of pace from everything, but I’m not sure it’s timeless in any way. Jackass just made me laugh a lot. One Hour Photo maybe should have been higher on the list, in retrospect. Spider-Man got one-upped by its own sequel. Das Experiment I think I just threw in for variety. Scarlet Diva still fun but very experimental; 25th Hour has endured better than many others on this list (“Champagne for my real friends; real pain for my sham friends” is still one of my favorite lines of the decade). And AOTC got easily bested by ROTS.

2003

The Matrix Reloaded

Spun

Buffalo Soldiers

May

Finding Nemo

Northfork

Lost in Translation

The Backyard

Peter Pan

Big Fish

A real theme of alienation to 2003, I see. Peter Pan and Big Fish are surprises in retrospect; loved watching both, never felt the need to revisit either. Matrix Reloaded is still a great sequel in my mind, though tarnished by part 3, and dependent on part 1, so we hit the “franchise problem” again. MAY brings about the question of how to rank friends’ films — do I love it so because I love all involved? I think not, as in most cases I hadn’t seen the principals involved in a while, and didn’t get to know Angela until afterwards. The Backyard — also a friend’s film, and as fun as it is, I think The Wrestler topped it. Buffalo Soldiers, Northfork, and Spun are still highly underrated; Lost in Translation will certainly be overrated on others’ decade-lists.

2004

Napoleon Dynamite

Hellboy

Hero

Million Dollar Baby

Tae Guk Gi: the Brotherhood of War

Donnie Darko: The Director’s Cut

Tamala 2010: A Punk Cat in Space

The Polar Express: A 3-D IMAX Experience

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

OK, the choice of Napoleon Dynamite for #1 probably seems lame in retrospect, but it is impossible to overstate how much I fucking loved that movie when it came out. And I still do, despite Jared Hess’ awful attempts to keep ripping himself off. Tamala 2010, as far as I know, is still unavailable on region 1 DVD, and it’s strange as fuck, but probably not quite enough for true immortality. Polar Express in Imax 3D was a game-changer, and I feel like including it just for that; I have yet to see an indisputably superior 3D Imax flick, but Avatar may be the one. Donnie Darko is what it is, and I am one of the rare folks who prefers the director’s cut. Hero bests Crouching Tiger, and Hellboy bests Spider-Man. Though Hellboy 2 bests Hellboy 1, so there ya go.

2005

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The Devil’s Rejects

Oldboy

Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Mirrormask

Shopgirl

Sin City

The New World

The Jacket

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

This, of course, is the list that made a couple of stick-up-their-ass New York film bloggers declare that I was totally wrong for the Village Voice. I still say it’s a damn cool list, though in hindsight I think I’d put Oldboy at #1…it’s definite best of the decade material. Stylish, sick, and kindled my appetite for live sushi. Revenge of the Sith still remains a favorite to just watch — if it’s on TV, or in a store, I’m still compelled. I also think it says something generally about the ’00s, with a dark emperor manipulating an easily duped heir into continuing a fraudulent war and consolidating power…and the promised change of A New Hope at the conclusion. Whine about Hayden’s whinings if you must, but I can’t stop watching. And consider the recent leader we had who also acted like a petulant brat. Could it exist in a vacuum (the franchise question)? Arguably not, but this isn’t a vacuum…everybody knows the first Star Wars. Special case. And The Devil’s Rejects proves it: Empire Strikes Back remade as redneck rampage.

2006

United 93
Superman Returns
Children of Men
Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Saw III
Crank
jackass number two
Paprika
Lady Vengeance
The Fountain

I’d reorder this anew, but United 93 was a thing of power then and is going to remain something shown in history classes ever after. Paprika, which also appears on my 2007 list due to differences in editorial opinion as to which year it really came out in, represents Satoshi Kon, one of my favorite filmmakers. Is it his best, worthy of decade-inclusion? Maybe. Tokyo Godfathers was also impressive. Tristram Shandy was a very creative way to adapt the unadaptable, funny and unique; a good contender for the decade also. Saw 3, possibly my favorite horror movie other than May in the past ten years. Crank had a unique style, and I’ve loved everything since from Neveldine/Taylor. Superman – what can I say, I’m sentimental sometimes. More as I get older.

2007

No Country For Old Men

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Paprika

Hot Rod

Grindhouse

Wristcutters: A Love Story

Zodiac

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Shoot Em Up

300

I think 300 may have to go much higher — in many ways it defined the decade cinematically, like it or not. Hot Rod is unheralded comedic genius, but not necessarily cinematically amazing. Grindhouse was a unique thing, and I still wish we were talking about it as one movie, rather than pretending anyone needed a longer cut of Death Proof. No Country was great, but for some reason I’m not feeling decade-great on it. And Paprika, on two lists…I think I may have to.

2008

The Dark Knight

The Tracey Fragments

Waltz with Bashir

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Let the Right One In

The Signal

$9.99

Synecdoche, New York

Hunger

Zombie Strippers

Both The Tracey Fragments and Waltz With Bashir went waaaaay out there, and expanded what cinema can be. The Dark Knight is only the best live-action adaptation of an iconic character ever (actually, TWO iconic characters – Joker is just as well-known). Actually, wow, 2008 was really fucking great overall. Maybe the best year since 1999.

2009 contenders so far

In the Loop

Crank 2

Inglourious Basterds

Up

Paranormal Activity

Where the wild things are

Zombieland

District 9

Thirst

Star Trek

Transformers 2

Watchmen

The Hurt Locker

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Avatar (if it’s good)

So, decade list so far looks like possibly  including Tomorrow Night, Amelie, Spirited Away, May, Hero, Donnie Darko, Oldboy, Revenge of the Sith, United 93, Saw 3, 300, Paprika, The Dark Knight, the Tracey Fragments, Waltz With Bashir, Fantastic Mr. Fox, maybe Avatar…already we’re over ten. Dammit, I hate top tens.

Maybe I’ll even throw in The Room for the hell of it. I still fell like there needs to be at least one laugh-out-loud funny movie in there, and Tomorrow Night isn’t quite that.

What say you?

I’d have been [...]]]> AFI Fest’s biggest scheduling dilemma this year was THE ROAD versus BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS. On the one hand, an acclaimed novel brought to life and starring Lord of the Rings guy. On the other, an insane German director and bugfuck actor in a name-only remake apparently about total insanity.

I’d have been fine either way. But THE ROAD was a gala, and BAD LIEUTENANT not. So when I got the email saying I was in for the gala, that was my choice made. At 4pm that day, I heard there were still tix aplenty for crazy Nic Cage.

At 6:45 or so, I headed into the big theater for THE ROAD. By 7, the alleged starting time, the Grauman’s was maybe half-full. Over the course of the next half-hour, a voice over the P.A. would tell us to take our seats at least three times. By 7:30, the place was nearly full (blame, perhaps, the fact that THE ROAD had many previous premieres and press screenings, though I had never been able to get into any prior showings before they filled up). And then we get the revelation that, prior to the film, David Poland is gonna interview Viggo Mortensen.

I like David – he was one of the first LA Media types to give me any recognition at all. But he can also be very condescending, and he started off with some stuff about how so many people he meets go “Viggo…Ooooh!” This includes an anecdote about how he just met Eva Mendes, who said that very thing. But he makes it sound bad. Not that I’d say “Viggo…Ooooh!” but I have no problem with ladies or gay guys who do. Hell, I just saw Christina Ricci get very naked in a movie, and I was all “BOIIIIING!” Just don’t hate me for that. It’s how people are, y’know.

I could make a joke about David’s chest hair, and he could nip that in the bud if he were to button his shirt all the way up. Maybe we should both take the high road. That said, Poland being Poland insisted on discussing the final moments in some detail, prior to us seeing it. It may be that the book is so well-read that I shouldn’t object, but I do find that when folks like DP who see this way in advance start talking, they forget, that NONE OF US WATCHING has had that same privilege.

We get a montage about Viggo, with its own Lord of the Rings subsection. Then David interviews him for a while, and Viggo is damn near inaudible. Best part was when he talked about how he adopted the horse in HIDALGO, an otherwise forgettable flick.

I take a bathroom break after the interview. Then THE ROAD begins, after director John Hillcoat says some stuff that I mostly miss due to washing piss off my hands.

THE ROAD…I haven’t read the book, and this is a huge qualifier. I also never watched the trailers. I suggest those of you who want to be unpsoiled not even look at IMDB, because then you’ll be going “When is so-and-so gonna show up?” and that person might not show up till very late in the game.

I will say that Robert Duvall is in it, under a lot of make-up…but he still does that chuckling-mid-sentence thing that has become a lazy tic for him, and I suspect no director has the balls to tell him to stop, but they should. Just like when George Clooney used to always look at the ground and bounce his head up and down, but Soderbergh told him to cut that shit out.

For those who don’t know, THE ROAD is about an unnamed father and son in a future that appears to be – but isn’t specified as – post-nuclear winter. Skies are gray, all animals and plants are dead, and food is scarce (the companies that paid for product placement in this movie are getting their money’s worth – every time the characters come across some last remnant of food or drink, it is made to look like the BEST THING ON EARTH – certainly the most colorful thing — and that includes Cheetos and Vitamin Water). Also, since this is a movie, coughing blood is a symptom of EVERY TERMINAL DISEASE THAT EVER EXISTED.

I imagine that folks like Dr. Ted Baehr will, at some point, try to make the case that THE ROAD is a “heroic Christian allegory” or somesuch, base don the fact that characters in it mention God, angels, and an afterlife where they might meet again. Also, the lead characters seek sanctuary in a church at one point.

But that is reaching.

To me, this movie quite effectively sums up, metaphorically, the atheist/hopeless worldview I hold. Life is depicted as nasty, brutal, arbitrary, and short, with little joy…but the few moments of love and bliss you can seize make it worthwhile. This is how I see the world. Father and son have hope that once they reach the coast, things will improve. They have very little evidence of this…just a sliver of hope.

Just to clarify: I am not HAPPY that I see things this way…I just don’t buy the more cheerful variations. Maybe I need more pills. I think this view also resonates in a recession, where it is hard to see the end of bad times ahead, but you have to keep that hope going, the fire inside as they refer to it here.

There is a reason why the best known nuclear winter movies ran on TV first (THREADS, THE DAY AFTER) – people don’t want to pay to be that depressed. This movie is not quite that hopeless, but nonetheless may be too much of a downer for the masses. As Preston Sturges well knew, people want entertainment and laughter in days like these.

Anyway, as father and son journey to the coast, there are occasional flashbacks to the moments immediately following the unseen global catastrophe/nuclear war (or whatever) with Charlize Theron as Viggo’s wife, who quickly loses hope, after an immediate post-apocalypse birth. I suspect these scenes were increased to make her salary worth it, though I also will say that Charlize in her sparkly dress (which stood out, because everyone else there was male and wearing black) sat through the whole movie and did not duck out early as most celebrities do…she seems proud of this, and she should be. It’s not a very flattering role, so I support her for owning it.

A nit-picker might ask how the boy, born post-apocalypse, has such perfectly straight, white teeth. It’s not as bad a question as the one regarding the girl in THREADS, born post-war yet still having evident dental fillings. Perhaps the spawn of Viggo and Charlize would be genetically perfect. Or the fact that he never got to have junk food might keep those teeth safe.

Viggo shows his ass again, just so you know.

I have been accused of hating on child actors. I don’t think that’s true overall; I just hate overly precious, self-conscious child actors like Freddie Highmore in FINDING NEVERLAND. This year, though, kids rule. Max Records was fantastic in WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (Spike Jonze’s unconventional ways of directing him might have helped, but his hilarious deadpanning at Comic-Con makes me believe in him too), and Kodi Smit-McPhee, despite an idiotically spelled first name (not to worry; Cate Blanchett is guilty of that too), is quite impressive here.

Overall, THE ROAD is a horror movie in the truest sense – it is about the horror of humanity, the horror of our legacy, the horror of what we might become. The story is quite episodic, but there are great moments of suspense throughout.

And here is one big caveat about the viewing experience: The movie is extremely quiet. And in the Grauman’s, not five minutes went by without audible sounds of coughing, and squeaky shifting in seats. I’m not just talking one annoying mystery cougher. I’m talking lots of different people. In a Michael Bay movie, they would have been drowned out. In THE ROAD, you hear all.

This is becoming a new pet peeve right up there with seat-kicking. People think that because coughing is an involuntary reaction, that it’s okay. Well, vomiting is often an involuntary reaction, and it isn’t okay if I puke a few seats away from you.

First off, a lot of coughing is psychological. And in this particular movie, ash is always falling from the sky. So get a drink, of water at least.

As for coughing that isn’t psychological: if you cannot stop or muffle yourself, don’t go to the movies. I remember MUNICH being ruined for me a few years ago because a wet hacking cough guy went off every two minutes, like clockwork.

Coughing is annoying all around. It may annoy you to have a cough, but sure as shit also annoys everyone else around you if you are in an audience for something quiet. BE AWARE.

Movie over, I went back to the lounge, which had become the default location for after-parties. I wasn’t sure my name was on the list, but it was. And I was delighted to see Clu and John Gulager in attendance. Anxious for food, they were purloining some appetizers from the Dimension table…I figure the makers of FEAST are entitled, but I wasn’t gonna do that.

SPOILER discussion in the next paragraph…skip it if you don’t know how THE ROAD ends…

Still here? Okay, well the only reason I’m doing this is because Clu had a very funny comment on the ending. In the film, as in the book, the boy hooks up with a new family. In the movie, however, they have a dog. Clu said he didn’t know why they hadn’t eaten the dog yet, and would have liked the last shot to be of the boy licking his lips when he sees it.

SPOILER OVER! You’re safe now. Proceed.

For this party, the Audi lounge upstairs was also opened up…so with my green wristband on, I took off my press lanyard and hid it in my pocket, lest the previous security meathead be looking for round 2 of “NO PRESS.” Sadly the bar upstairs had not reloaded on scotch. But I tried mixing Absolut Appeach with a little bit of Absolut Raspberri and Coke to make a peach melba drink…and it turned out pretty well.

Scott Foundas was there in a hideous sweater from a long-lost decade. He knows how to dress sometimes, but just not at all on other occasions. Dude needs a ZOMBIELAND hat. Anyway, Audi lounge stayed open till 1.

I forget how I got home, but it wasn’t by driving.

Hoping it’ll be back to normal soon…chalk this up to growing pains. If you can’t log in as a commenter…give us time.

I blame Vladimir Putin.

And I might be afraid to do any fancy posting (pics, video, etc.) till I figure out what [...]]]> Looks like I just made the entire third column of the blog disappear somehow.

Hoping it’ll be back to normal soon…chalk this up to growing pains. If you can’t log in as a commenter…give us time.

I blame Vladimir Putin.

And I might be afraid to do any fancy posting (pics, video, etc.) till I figure out what I did.

If you loved the old site – it’s still here, under the heading of “Everything Else.” In time, those pages may be incorporated into the new design, but for now, they’re still as they were.

I know there are vocal [...]]]> Yeah, so…we’ve altered things just a little bit around these parts. Click around and check it out.

If you loved the old site – it’s still here, under the heading of “Everything Else.” In time, those pages may be incorporated into the new design, but for now, they’re still as they were.

I know there are vocal haters of the white text on black background. Trust me, I know…but there’s no easy fix. We’re working on figuring out a way to let you change colors like you could before, but it won’t be happening today or tomorrow. Highlighting the text with your cursor might have to be the fallback option.

Comments on the blog have changed – regulars are encouraged to sign in and create a profile. This is not mandatory, but if you want to leave a comment without registering, you’ll have to do one of those “capcha” things where you write down the letters you see in a picture.

Also, any entries more than 90 days old will be closed to comments.

If you are a friend of mine who’s in a position to get scripts made, please note that I have made the first ten pages of four of my scripts available for download on the writing page. I dare you to read just ten pages; when you’re hooked, I’ll give you the rest.

The right sidebar now features links to my stuff all around the web – check E! online every Friday, check the others out if you like…please note that on social networks, I only tend to add people I actually know.

Oh, and if you understand the whole “Digg” thing and all those little logos at the bottom of each post, please go to town and promote the posts you like.

Any questions?

Don’t worry, the blog will not be going away, or [...]]]> Just a heads-up to all you readers that will be some remodeling going on around these parts. Mostly subtle stuff, but some things will be more obvious. We’ve heard the feedback over the years, and also taken stock of what exactly the site needs to do.

Don’t worry, the blog will not be going away, or changing content. I hope it will better integrate everything – Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, my various presences on other sites. You may have noticed I haven’t bothered to link the last few E! Online reviews here, though I have been busy linking them elsewhere (fans of the E! stuff should simply bookmark THIS PAGE and check it every Friday).

You might also have noticed we eliminated most of the rainbow-hair imagery. I know several of you would like me to do that again, and in many ways I do miss it, but it ain’t happening for a while…as I push myself into the acting realm, I need a more versatile look than that. And I do tire of people thinking I still look that way when I don’t.

Biggest change, though, is that the Message Board is going to stop. The existing board may continue to exist, frozen in cyberspace…but it will no longer be active. It simply isn’t serving its purpose any more. To compensate, I will occasionally post “Open Threads” here where you can be free to start conversations on any topic.

Don’t fear the hope and change.

“If health care is free, what’s to stop people drinking and smoking and eating bad food just so the government can pay for all their excesses later?”

So many fallacies on this one.

First, the person asking should realize that there is no cure for lung cancer, or [...]]]> I hear a variation of this argument all the time:

“If health care is free, what’s to stop people drinking and smoking and eating bad food just so the government can pay for all their excesses later?”

So many fallacies on this one.

First, the person asking should realize that there is no cure for lung cancer, or heart attacks. They can be treated if detected early, but that’s a big if, and life is not fun afterwards.

Second, we already have huge rates of alcoholism, smoking, and crappy eating among broke-ass poor in this country, who have no insurance. Maybe it can get worse, but not by much.

Third, this argument assumes that getting really sick is simply no big deal. Hell, we’ll roll with heart disease, because government’ll fix us right back up! Liver and lung transplants? No problemo, ever?

NOBODY wants to get sick. Even if it’s paid for. Being sick sucks, by definition.

We just don’t want people to let us die if the pockets are empty.

P7100343

and Tiger Mask…

P7110355

You know, those suspected of crimes have the right, spelled out in the Miranda warning, to be provided an attorney at government expense if they cannot afford one. So, criminals getting taxpayer assistance for [...]]]> Just curious – has anyone who opposes a public option for health insurance also come out against the concept of public defenders?

You know, those suspected of crimes have the right, spelled out in the Miranda warning, to be provided an attorney at government expense if they cannot afford one. So, criminals getting taxpayer assistance for their defense is fine…sick people getting taxpayer assistance to save their lives isn’t?

I have a lot of thoughts on this, and they may be rambling. Bear with me.

Just over twenty years ago, I had testicular surgery. I was living in Ireland, and while I’m not sure of the specifics, I am fairly certain it was at least partially government subsidized.

Four years ago, I had appendicitis, in Los Angeles.

Would you care to guess which experience was the friendliest, cleanest, most efficient, least bankrupting of the two?

Think about that. Ireland TWENTY YEARS AGO beats L.A. now.

But that’s anecdotal. By itself it proves nothing overall. Nor, perhaps, is the fact that I’ve never met someone who got seriously ill and was satisfied with how the insurance handled it. Cathy Seipp, as pro-private insurance as anyone, found that when she had cancer, her insurance company tried to renege on parts of its deal. This didn’t shake her faith in the system as it ought to work, but it does seem to be more the rule than the exception. Others will point to horror stories about waiting lists in Canada and the UK, and limited supplies, months before treatment, etc. To which I would add: and that DOESN’T happen under our current system?

Again anecdotally: I sat around in a doctor’s office for at least six hours in the worst pain of my life, as my appendix ruptured, before anyone would give me anything to dull the pain. First an intern examined me, then two nurses, then a doctor, and then the pharmacist acme with the pills. All took their sweet time. I would have sucked Osama Bin Laden’s cock to make that pain stop.

Oh yeah, and the ambulance people who picked me up warned me they were gonna charge me for the ride, and I should get a friend instead. Again, as I’m suffering from something that would have killed me if left untreated.

But why is it government’s obligation to pay for this? Well, why is it government’s obligation to send firemen over for free if your house is burning down? Or track down a guy that robbed you, gratis? Hell, why should they defend you from an invading army, even – buy your own damn tanks and planes! Second amendment, y’all!

We have no qualms with saying government should protect us from external threats. But internal ones, somehow we don’t give a shit about.

Critics say we don’t want health care run like the DMV or the post office. Have they been to either lately? I just went to get my driver’s license renewed, and was in and out in less than 30 minutes – very efficient. My local post office has trouble handling the volume of customers, but I go to one slightly further away which doesn’t. I’ll tell you, the post office beats the bejeezus out of DHL or UPS, both of which have given me large headaches in my lifetime, and are privately owned, allegedly with a good competition profit motive.

DMV and post office are 1000 times better than the bureaucracy at Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital, too. But you may have guessed that by now.

I have a friend who proudly talks about sleeping on a door back in the day, while still paying for health insurance. Do we really think that’s a good thing, a society in which people are forced to sleep on doors to make their medical bills?

And then a few years back, an acquaintance rather sleazily wrote about me in a backhanded kind of way on another blog, suggesting that anyone with a big toy collection shouldn’t be bitching about health insurance. Newsflash 1: My collection isn’t worth that much. Newsflash 2: I spend maybe $50 a month on toys, at most, and usually less. Show me a health insurance provider that offers me that same price.

After I got fired by OC Weekly, I was offered COBRA, a service which lets you continue employer-based health insurance at full price. It would have been nearly $600/month, something I could not have remotely afforded on unemployment checks.

I don’t want government to “monopolize” private health care. If you can afford a private room and personal 24-hour physician, by all means do. But forcing the rest of us to pay bankruptcy-inducing prices for the basics ain’t gonna fly.

As it stands, if I ever get a serious illness, I will probably move to England. I don’t especially want to do that, but I won’t have a choice.

And about this argument that if government has a stake in health care, it will then force you to eat healthy foods…

(a) No government in the world does that.
(b) So what if they did? I’d roll with that. Listen, I am a drinker, but I don’t oppose extra taxes on booze, or extra restrictions on it. I know from experience that when it’s harder to get, I don’t get it. I don’t believe in criminalizing stuff like that, but restricting it a bit, well…there really are more important things to complain about.

I’m glad that we actually have a president who came out of poverty and knows a little bit about it, as opposed to the spoiled rich brat; now I just hope he doesn’t see compromise as a virtue above righteousness.