A review of McDonald’s mushroom and Swiss Angus burger:

All mayo needs [...]]]> Pardon my absence. Having an actual, personal life for once means that for the first time I have to figure out how to balance it with the professional, and that’s still a work in progress.
But here’s a bunch of my stuff for you to read:

A review of McDonald’s mushroom and Swiss Angus burger:

All mayo needs in order to become something I like is a tiny tweak – add pickles to make tartar sauce, and spices to become chipotle sauce, add some onion flavor to get Ultimate Cheeseburger sauce, add I-know-not-what and you get Remoulade. But by itself, in a mini tidal wave upon the ocean of not-quite-soft mushrooms, it kicked my ass and my gag reflex. I needed the hot-sauce-spraying watch from UNDERCOVER BROTHER. But McDonald’s isn’t much for anything spicy. Damn white-people food.

A look at an unusual political T-shirt:

You’d expect shirts that sport images of Obama, as well as campaign slogans like “Yes We Can.” What I’d never have expected is one that turns an off-the-cuff remark into a catchphrase, wrestling-style (think “Layeth the Smacketh Down” or “Austin 3:16″).

Talking about KFC’s Boneless Breast Filet:

Original Recipe is a pliable term in the world of KFC. Sure, we all know what their Original Recipe fried chicken tastes like (“salty uber alles” is one way of putting it), but the chicken strips that are allegedly breaded with Original Recipe don’t taste the same to me at all. The fact that they no longer even do Extra Crispy strips is a gastronomic crime, but then, I’ve been on the Extra Crispy bandwagon since high school, possibly as a subtle form of rebellion against my father, who’s an Original guy through and through, when he’s not enjoying Hardee’s fried chicken instead.

A column about color-blind casting in movies:

When a character’s primary raison d’etre is as a sight gag, it makes a kind of sense to racially recast if doing so adds to the gag factor. I haven’t noticed any significant protests demanding that LaBute recast the Dinklage role with an actor of color. The same cannot be said for M. Night Shyamalan’s THE LAST AIRBENDER, in which characters who appeared to be Asian in the original cartoon will be portrayed in some cases by Caucasian actors. In an interview with the L.A. Times’ Geoff Boucher, Shyamalan defends his decision by saying that the characters on the cartoon are a deliberate mix of many different racial features, designed so that all kids can identify with them (he also refers it the cartoon as “anime,” when in fact that word by definition refers to Japanese cartoons, and AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER is American). Then he digs himself a little deeper by comparing racial concerns to the casting of Haley Joel Osment in THE SIXTH SENSE, in which the lead character was written as having black hair while Osment is blond.

Reviewing the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake:

Like its 1981 predecessor and other mythology-based monster epics from effects guru Ray Harryhausen (Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad), this new Clash is basically an excuse to string together a fun series of big beastie battles in ancient Greece. Where it falters a bit is the story: The screenwriters seem to think they can improve upon classic mythological tales, but they’re wrong.

Reviewing Tyler Perry’s latest:

Traditionally, when a sequel features the word “too” rather than “two” at the end, it means an all-new cast retelling essentially the same story, with Teen Wolf Too being the classic example. Perry’s telling more or less the same story here as well, but all the original characters return, having fallen back into old patterns after what appeared to be personal growth by the end of the last film.

Reviewing DATE NIGHT:

We all love Tina Fey and Steve Carell, don’t we? So why doesn’t Hollywood love them, too? At least enough to give them a script worthy of their talents? This halfassed (but star-studded) farce from hacktacular director Shawn Levy, in which the comics play harried marrieds on a mistaken-identity run from the mob, is marginally better than the likes of Evan Almighty and Get Smart. But not by much.

And finally, LETTERS TO GOD:

Watching an earnest, maudlin cinematic sermon of this sort really helps you appreciate the fact that Tyler Perry throws some comic relief into his theatrical tracts. There are laughs to be had here, but of the unintentional kind, as when an alcoholic reaches for his fifth of Jack Daniel’s, and a song on the soundtrack loudly proclaims, “There’s no message in this bottle!”

4. Gun Shy, starring and produced by Sandra Bullock (nominated for Best Actress, The Blind Side). Liam Neeson plays an undercover DEA agent with diarrhea. Sandra Bullock falls for him anyway. That is all you need [...]]]> For E! Online, a few new items. First, the top 5 worst movies made by 2010 Oscar nominees. Here’s one:

4. Gun Shy, starring and produced by Sandra Bullock (nominated for Best Actress, The Blind Side). Liam Neeson plays an undercover DEA agent with diarrhea. Sandra Bullock falls for him anyway. That is all you need to know.

Next, a review of the new Roman Polanski film:

Yep, Roman Polanski’s still got it. With dry humor and expertly timed suspense, the director throws Ewan McGregor into a conspiracy theory plot involving a Tony Blair-like politician (Pierce Brosnan) whose memoirs provide the focal point of an investigation into serious war crimes. Similarly plotted recent movies, like, say, Edge of Darkness, can only dream of being this good.

As well as the new Kevin Smith:

Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Cop Out is a tribute to cop-buddy comedy sequels of the ’80s, since, when the movie opens, our bickering partners have been together nine years, and there’s no obligatory recap of how they first met, hated each other initially, and later turned out to be the perfect mismatch. This does lead one to wonder how a screeching, paranoid dork like Paul Hodges (Morgan) ever became a detective, let alone one paired with the more standard action-hero-y Jimmy Monroe (Willis), but skipping the origin story at least allows us to cut directly to the chase (literally).

Meanwhile, over at Geekweek, I reviewed SHUTTER ISLAND:

So you see, I am writing…just not here as often.

5. Food Inc. (Best Documentary Feature)

Why you didn’t see it: Because almost every exposé of the food industry ends up telling you to go vegan, and who needs that? Meat and cheese are delicious!

Why you should: Because [...]]]> First, a piece I did for E! on the top 5 Oscar movies most people haven’t seen but should:

5. Food Inc. (Best Documentary Feature)

Why you didn’t see it: Because almost every exposé of the food industry ends up telling you to go vegan, and who needs that? Meat and cheese are delicious!

Why you should: Because this one doesn’t. Finally, a truly fair and balanced look at the food industry that yes, dings factory farming for its flaws and overreliance on antibiotics, but also tells you that it’s OK to eat meat if you’re smart about it, and…praises Walmart? C’mon. You have to see that to believe it.

Then, an appreciation of A-ha for Geekweek:

It saddens me to say that I’m less interested in music now than I’ve ever been. Music used to inspire me. And I used to discover good new stuff thanks to MTV, which at one point played music most of the day. Nowadays I see them talking about making an original comedy series to try and lure viewers back, and I’m thinking, “why not play music again”?

And concerts are expensive as all hell – I remember shelling out what seemed like a massive $32 to see Guns N’ Roses, Metallica, and Motorhead at the Coliseum. Nowadays, good luck even seeing one decent act for that.

All of which is preamble to the fact that I was reading the LA Weekly over lunch yesterday, and saw that A-ha were coming to town.

(Cue Don LaFontaine voice)

“In a decade…when the world seemed led by self-righteous bullies…”

Okay, pause there for a second. I know some of you are instinctively jerking the knee, and assuming I’m going for [...]]]> I have a large article over at Geekweek about the past decade in cinema. Here’s the lede:

(Cue Don LaFontaine voice)

“In a decade…when the world seemed led by self-righteous bullies…”

Okay, pause there for a second. I know some of you are instinctively jerking the knee, and assuming I’m going for a cheap Bush bash in a column about movies. It is true that Bush was something of a self-righteous bully, but I am by no means narrowing my focus to him. I’m talking every major world leader of the past 10 years you can think of: Putin, Ahmadenijad, Blair, Berlusconi, Kim…all convinced of their own righteousness, yet all quite transparently acting primarily in their own self-interest.

So yes, in a decade when the real world was dominated by self-righteous bullies, it is perhaps not so surprising that the reel world featured them most prominently throughout the aughts. Self-righteous heroes aren’t new, of course, nor are the bullying kind – but what was a noticeable recent development is that the movies they appeared in started tipping their hand, letting you know that the filmmakers know these heroes are often on the wrong track with their moral crusade.

Go read the whole thing. It’s good. Leave comments there too, so they know I have readers.

A review, with pictures, of Mattel’s new WWE toys. It’s pretty geeky.  Sample:

Elite Rey comes with a [...]]]> I know that even if you have bookmarked sites like Geekweek, the content moves so fast that it’s hard to keep track unless you have no life. So here are some links to recent stuff I’ve done:

A review, with pictures, of Mattel’s new WWE toys. It’s pretty geeky.  Sample:

Elite Rey comes with a cloth T-shirt and removable outer mask. Like all the figures, they come with stands that fit the foot-peg so snugly you can even hold action poses (though not so much with the top-heavy Taker); none of the poses in these pictures required hand support. Cardboard name plates stick in the top, and these are probably the worst idea in the line, as kids will lose or tear them immediately, and collectors will find preserving them a chore. Stickers would have worked better.

And a new regular column, ill LYTeracy. This one is mostly video, and so far, it has less views than even the family videos I post here. So go read and watch, and tell me what you’d like to see in future such pieces. It’s kind of uncharted ground, and I have no editors telling me what to do all the time, so it’s wide open.

And if you’re not up on my latest E! Online reviews, they can always be found at this link, (scroll down if you don’t see mine right away), unless you don’t live in the U.S., in which case I suggest typing “eonline.com” into your browser, then clicking on “movies” once you get to the international redirect site.

Geekweek will feature aggregated news from around the web and numerous writers and guest celebrities opining and [...]]]> The announcement rolled out gradually today across various social networking media: Jeff Katz, formerly of New Line and Fox, and now head of his own company, American Original, has launched “Huffington Post meets USA Today for hardcore fans everywhere.”

Geekweek will feature aggregated news from around the web and numerous writers and guest celebrities opining and reporting in the areas of comics, movies, videogames, wrestling, sports, music, gossip — a one-stop shop for geek chic.

One of those writers will be me. And it’ll be me doing what I love to do: movie reviews, fast food reviews, opinion pieces, video blogs if I feel like.

Go check it out. The way the site is now is but a fraction of what it’s going to be in about a month or so, which is when I’ll start really bringing it.

I will still continue to write for all my usual outlets, and be available for others: E! and (I hope) the Weekly still. But this is gonna be a big one, and I think the future of media is headed in this kind of direction.

If you are a publicist who thinks your product or client or event deserves coverage on Geekweek, hit me up.

The first match comes before the official start of the taping, with the Motor City Machine Guns – who, judging by their work in this and a subsequent match, might be the best tag team going today – and Lethal Consequences, a team that appears to be made up of a black [...]]]> Read part one HERE

The first match comes before the official start of the taping, with the Motor City Machine Guns – who, judging by their work in this and a subsequent match, might be the best tag team going today – and Lethal Consequences, a team that appears to be made up of a black Randy Savage impersonator and a would-be Apollo Creed with a big ‘fro. Lots of high impact moves, by which I mean moves that result in loud bangs from the ring, but the MCMGs had better double-team moves and timing. Inevitably, they won. Later I learned that this match was technically a qualifying match to be entered into the ACTUAL first match of the broadcast. I don’t think the ring announcer told us that.

Remember the late ‘90s, when WWE was all about “Attitude”? Real attitude is doing what TNA did to kick off the show: getting Black Label Society/former Ozzy guitarist Zakk Wylde to crank out a super-heavy version of the national anthem. The Hendrix Woodstock version was mellow by comparison to this. And Vince wants us to pay attention when Lillian Garcia sings it reverently at every show? Well, I guess she’s gone now. I don’t know if anyone replaced her on anthem duty. But you want attitude, this was it. This was the America, Fuck Yeah of anthem renditions.

Then there were a bunch of fireworks, creating a smoky haze that never fully left the arena…except to fill up the outer passages as well, so that there was no escape from the smell of explosions. Speaking of which, if you could bottle the smell of explosions, I bet women looking to attract redneck dudes would buy it.

The opening match, setting things up with something virtually impossible to top, was the TNA invention known as Ultimate X. Basically, metal scaffolds hold up a giant x-shaped crosswalk over the ring, under which two red ropes have been tied that also cross in an x-shape. At the intersection of these is the title belt, and whoever gets it first wins. The only apparent ways to do this involve climbing the scaffolds, and then either pull yourself along the rope, or traverse the scaffold above and lower yourself down onto it. Invariably, people will fall from the ropes. There were a bunch of people in this match: Christopher Daniels (now billed solely as “Daniels,” apparently, which isn’t as cool as “Fallen Angel” when it comes to ring names, sorry), Suicide, Homicide (those two aren’t a team but maybe they should be…also worthy of note is that “Suicide” was deemed an inappropriate name for the kid-targeted action figure based on him, which will be marketed simply as “M,” for the vaguely m-shaped design on his chest, a la Spawn. Can’t wait to see what they’ll call Homicide – my vote would be “Big H.”), the MCMGs, and some little guy I’ve never seen before called Amazing Red, who’s managed by former announcer Don West.

The Ultimate X match inevitably involves a few attempts at elaborate moves which involve three or more people. Some were impressive, like a multiple superplex sunset-flip, while another basically involved a group of guys in a kind of scrimmage simply waiting for another guy to jump off the top rope and kick them…though they could easily have moved away in time.

Eventually, though, Suicide, Daniels, and Red climbed all the way to the top of the scaffolds, prompting the crowd to chant “Please don’t die!” Suicide and Daniels ended up fighting while hanging on the ropes, and knocking each other down. Red ended up winning the X-Division belt.

X-Division belt? I don’t know if I can explain the concept, exactly. It’s sort of like a light heavyweight belt, except that the major talking point is that “it’s not about weight limits, it’s about NO LIMITS!” So it’s kind of implied that X-Division matches will have crazy moves in them, but officially there’s no hard and fast rule about that. And anyway, as if to prove there is no solidification of the concept within the storyline rulebook, they once did an angle where Kevin Nash competed for it, and he isn’t remotely light or a high-risk performer. So basically, it’s a belt for smaller guys who have crazy moves, except for when it isn’t. And Red is both small and high-risk, for sure. And he appears to have a maze shaved into his hair.

Realizing it was gonna take a while to disassemble the Ultimate X set-up, I went to go get my first beer of the night, a Bass. When I came back, two female tag teams were fighting. Two of the women wore pink and the other two wore blue. The blue girls won. Hey, I bet the goth band “Black Tape for a Blue Girl” never thought their name could be in any way used to describe the stuff a female wrestler wraps her wrists in, but hey, life has a funny way…so sayeth Alanis. Not a bad match but I had no idea who the participants were.

Yet another unexplained TNA title involving Kevin Nash is the “Legends” title. As I understand it, Booker T invented this championship for himself, to be worn only by established big-name guys like himself, Scott Steiner, Nash, etc. But clearly there is no rule that says it can only be defended against “legends,” as tonight Nash would be defending it against Hernandez and Eric Young. Last time I watched TNA, Eric Young was an underdog about to be fired, but now he’s morphed into a cocky, suit-wearing leader of a group called World Elite, a gimmick designed to group together a bunch of guys with different backgrounds who otherwise don’t have much in common. The story here is that Young has paid off Nash in a deal that involves Nash keeping the title, and him and Young double-teaming Hernandez to get revenge from a beating Hernandez gave Young at the last big event.

Hernandez has “Hernandez” tattooed in big letters across his back. If you’re a wrestler, this is a good thing to do if you want to always be able to wrestle under your own name and not some stupid made-up, trademarkable thing like “Marcus Cor Von” or “D’angelo Dinero.” Tomko also ahs this figured out. Because it would look pretty stupid if the suits give a guy a gimmick name like “Pedro Pedroza” and he’s got “Hernandez” written on his back. The commentators would have some explaining to do every week. Though the wrestler in question could also be forced to wear a goofy outfit that hides the tats, as in the case of WWE’s “M.V.P.”

As for the wrestling…Nash is huge and still muscular and could kick my ass if he had to, but he can’t and/or doesn’t do much in the ring beyond punches, kicks, stomps, and falling down. Hernandez and Young did the lion’s share of the work, and surprising nobody, Young turned on Nash at the last minute by shoving Hernandez’ head into Nash’s crotch, followed by the pinfall. Now I guess Young is a legend, except he really isn’t.

One thing I would suggest TNA do is have the ring announcer be clearer about some of the rules of these things. For instance, the “Full Metal Mayhem” tag-team match that was basically what WWE calls a TLC match (tables, ladders, chairs), where the belts are suspended above the ring and a ladder is needed to get them. But with two belts up there, what happens if one guy grabs one, and someone else grabs another? They did mention that this was for the unification of Japan’s IWGP titles and the TNA titles, but it was not explained…and I only now just figured out by looking on TNA’s website…that one of the belts was IWGP, the other TNA…and so Devon from Team 3-D scored the IWGP title for his team, while the British Invasion scored the TNA belts for themselves, with the help of some super-jacked, super-huge dude in a mullet who put one of the Invasion guys on his shoulders so he could reach the titles. An Australian fan in the front row has a sign that says “Poms are twats.” Pommieland is Australian slang for England.

And this match brought up an issue that many a wrestling promoter has had to face – it is very, VERY difficult for longtime veterans to play the bad-guy role in wrestling, because fans respect them too much. This is fine if you’re Hulk Hogan or Sting…but for the team of Booker T and Scott Steiner, who are very good at playing bad, it was a near-impossible task to get booed, because fans are so glad to see them, especially in a smaller venue. Fans are especially likely to cheer at signature moves – Booker T doing his spin-a-roony breakdance, and Scott even managing to pull off the Frankensteiner, which most folks assume he’s too jacked and in pain to pull off these days. I have to say that if he is stiff and in pain, he concealed it well. Booker was “injured” and taken out early on…I’m fairly sure it was planned because his wife Sharmell came running out to check on him and they had a perfectly timed spotlight on her.

At one point, Zakk Wylde got involved and spit beer in some dude’s face. That was fun. And Team 3-D, formerly known as the Dudley Boys, put everyone through tables after the British guys did a parody of them.

That’s enough for now.

(Photos above courtesy of and copyright TNA Wrestling. Click for bigger versions.)

TO BE CONTINUED

E! review of THE STEPFATHER: “The original is notable for being a breakthrough role for Terry O’Quinn, nowadays best known as John Locke on Lost. [...]]]> It figures that the week my grandfather dies and my mother suddenly shows up, I’d get more assignments than ever. Not that I’m complaining, but the timing was very weird. Anyway…

E! review of THE STEPFATHER: “The original is notable for being a breakthrough role for Terry O’Quinn, nowadays best known as John Locke on Lost. The remake is notable for nothing whatsoever.”

E! review of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE: “If you ever loved the book as a kid or parent (or both), you will cry. Yes you will. Don’t fight it.”

LA Weekly round-up of SCREAMFEST LA: “It may be a sign of trying times for horror that this year’s Screamfest Horror Film Festival includes a few selections that don’t really belong to the genre at all…”

LA Weekly interview with PARANORMAL ACTIVITIES director Oren Peli: “in an information-age rarity, he doesn’t have a Wikipedia entry, and his IMDB page is absent any biographical information, though it does state that he worked on a video game called NFL Xtreme.”

LA Weekly capsule review of CREATING KARMA: “There are bad movies that fall short of their ambition, and there are bad movies that simply don’t try, but every once in a while, along comes something so aggressively in-your-face awful that you start vehemently giving the screen the finger five minutes into it, and don’t stop till the end credits have mercifully brought the thing to a halt.”