Chances are you weren’t planning on seeing these anyway…
For the love of God, people, some TV shows are simply not suited for the big screen! Especially ones that were tailored to the specific shtick of a comedy star. If we can recast Jackie Gleason’s signature role of Ralph Kramden with Cedric the, ahem, “Entertainer,” why not Jim Carrey as Cliff Huxtable in “The Cosby Show Movie”? (You bastards owe me money if you actually make that happen.) Mike Epps (Chris Tucker’s unfunny replacement in the “Friday” movies) seems to have been tapped to replace Art Carney based on the fact that both have a fondness for stupid-looking hats, but since the character is named Ed Norton, there might have been some decent laughs to be had in casting the successful movie star of the same name. But then again, that assumes that those involved in making this film would know a decent laugh if it ran over them with a bus.
You know there are gonna be problems in a movie that not only features the annoying Epps but also the equally irritating John Leguizamo. And rabid fans of the TV show desperate for any kind of “Honeymooners” fix will likely recoil in disgust to see that “To the moon, Alice!” is now a prospective romantic voyage rather than a politically incorrect domestic violence joke (Trey Parker and Matt Stone proved the original context of the joke can still work on “That’s My Bush!”). The plot, which centers on greyhound racing, is essentially stolen from the first “Simpsons Christmas Special”, but since Homer Simpson was undoubtedly partly inspired by Ralph Kramden, that’s sort of fair game. It just ain’t all that funny.
#THE PERFECT MAN#
What’s worse than watching a Hilary Duff movie? Try watching a Hilary Duff movie in an uncomfortable theater that’s absolutely packed with chattering, seat-kicking 12-year-old girls, along with a few significantly older patrons who could be overheard, on the way out, to say, “That was a good movie!” It’s a dispiriting experience that left me feeling slightly disappointed in human beings generally. Hell, Duff’s incessant and vapid cinematic output is actually making me nostalgic for Freddie Prinze Jr.! Think that’s hyperbole? If I had to rewatch either “Down to You” or “A Cinderella Story” a second time, it wouldn’t even be a contest.
Anyway, untalented “Cinderella Story” director Mark Rosman is at it again, this time with a yarn in which single mom Heather Locklear, who works low-paying jobs as a baker, somehow has the resources to move to a new home in a new state with her two children every single time she tires of whomever she’s dating. Seeking stability, her eldest daughter (Duff) dreams up an idiotic plan to make mom think she’s being courted by a perfect man (who doesn’t exist), so that in the meantime she won’t date losers. It never occurs to her that at some point, never meeting the guy will break mom’s heart.
In a weird bit of mixed messaging, Duff’s character is somehow attracted to a comic book geek, yet her mom’s non-fictional suitor is cruelly mocked for being working class and a Styx fan. This leads to the only decent gag in the whole film, with Styx frontman Dennis De Young appearing as an off-key De Young impersonator in a rotten tribute band.