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Coupla reviews I forgot about

Chances are you weren’t planning on seeing these anyway…

#THE HONEYMOONERS#

For the love of God, people, some TV shows are simply not suited for the big screen! Especially ones that were tailored to the specific shtick of a comedy star. If we can recast Jackie Gleason’s signature role of Ralph Kramden with Cedric the, ahem, “Entertainer,” why not Jim Carrey as Cliff Huxtable in “The Cosby Show Movie”? (You bastards owe me money if you actually make that happen.) Mike Epps (Chris Tucker’s unfunny replacement in the “Friday” movies) seems to have been tapped to replace Art Carney based on the fact that both have a fondness for stupid-looking hats, but since the character is named Ed Norton, there might have been some decent laughs to be had in casting the successful movie star of the same name. But then again, that assumes that those involved in making this film would know a decent laugh if it ran over them with a bus.

You know there are gonna be problems in a movie that not only features the annoying Epps but also the equally irritating John Leguizamo. And rabid fans of the TV show desperate for any kind of “Honeymooners” fix will likely recoil in disgust to see that “To the moon, Alice!” is now a prospective romantic voyage rather than a politically incorrect domestic violence joke (Trey Parker and Matt Stone proved the original context of the joke can still work on “That’s My Bush!”). The plot, which centers on greyhound racing, is essentially stolen from the first “Simpsons Christmas Special”, but since Homer Simpson was undoubtedly partly inspired by Ralph Kramden, that’s sort of fair game. It just ain’t all that funny.

#THE PERFECT MAN#

What’s worse than watching a Hilary Duff movie? Try watching a Hilary Duff movie in an uncomfortable theater that’s absolutely packed with chattering, seat-kicking 12-year-old girls, along with a few significantly older patrons who could be overheard, on the way out, to say, “That was a good movie!” It’s a dispiriting experience that left me feeling slightly disappointed in human beings generally. Hell, Duff’s incessant and vapid cinematic output is actually making me nostalgic for Freddie Prinze Jr.! Think that’s hyperbole? If I had to rewatch either “Down to You” or “A Cinderella Story” a second time, it wouldn’t even be a contest.

Anyway, untalented “Cinderella Story” director Mark Rosman is at it again, this time with a yarn in which single mom Heather Locklear, who works low-paying jobs as a baker, somehow has the resources to move to a new home in a new state with her two children every single time she tires of whomever she’s dating. Seeking stability, her eldest daughter (Duff) dreams up an idiotic plan to make mom think she’s being courted by a perfect man (who doesn’t exist), so that in the meantime she won’t date losers. It never occurs to her that at some point, never meeting the guy will break mom’s heart.

In a weird bit of mixed messaging, Duff’s character is somehow attracted to a comic book geek, yet her mom’s non-fictional suitor is cruelly mocked for being working class and a Styx fan. This leads to the only decent gag in the whole film, with Styx frontman Dennis De Young appearing as an off-key De Young impersonator in a rotten tribute band.

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6 comments to Coupla reviews I forgot about

  • Well… it’s… Hillary Duff.

    Nuff said, or something.

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  • Jaye

    [clearing throat] Never mention a Chris Noth movie, without actually mentioning Chris Noth.

    Due to the Duff factor, I have avoided the movie specifically, even though I will watch just about anything Chris Noth has ever done, or ever will do. I have been working on an invention; a topical application, if you will, which I would rub upon myself to make Hilary Duff invisible… then I would simply kick back, watch Heather Locklear and Chris Noth, and I’d be a happy camper, even if the movie was crap. That’s my ridiculous 2 cents.

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  • ralph kramden

    whos idiotic idea was it to replace the entire cast with black people? im all for racial equality but doesnt that seem like a politically correct pandering? Almost as pathetic as the removal of the wrong but funny “To the moon, Alice” gag in place of some pipe dream. This type of politically correct sterilizing is not only an insult to The Honeymooners, but also to comedies in general and to all who go to see this sorry excuse for a remake.

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  • jonathon

    What sin did I commit that made me spend 100 minuntes in a theater w/a bunch of annoying 12 to 14 year olds, watching the most rancid, piece of shit film to come out since “Catwoman” & “Gigli”? Was it the fact the Almighty himself became angered when I mostly stared at Lohan’s cans throught “Herbie:Fully Loaded”, and as my punishment, I had to sit through and watch that annoying, blondie bitch Hillary Duff make an ass of herself with acting, direction, and dialouge so plastic that Barbie would cry out “Stop stealing my shtick, you bastards!” Or was it the fact that I loved “Sideways” & “Garden State” so much that I thought that not all romantic comedies were crap, when in reality, films like those come around once in a great while? Whatever it was, and I tell you now, don’t be fooled by Heather Locklear’s return to the screen, it’s a veichle to promote Duff’s next coma-inducing album! You are walkind into a trap!

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  • Michelle

    Ok…well now that you completely made it clear that you dont like hilary duff you can stop now cuz its making you look like a complaing ass hole that dosnt have anything better to do but sit on your ass on the computer complaining about hilary duff i mean COME ON could you be anymore jealous you are making it totally obvious that you are!

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  • Courtney Gidts

    I’ve managed to save up roughly $44814 in my bank account, but I’m not sure if I should buy a house or not. Do you think the market is stable or do you think that home prices will decrease by a lot?

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