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Composite review: BLOODRAYNE

I did a couple of “short takes” on this new disasterpiece for a couple of different publications; here, for the first time, I’ve amalgamated them into one piece.

Despite a track record of some of the worst movies ever created, “Dr.” Uwe Boll (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark) somehow continues to obtain the movie rights to popular video games and film them on the cheap. His latest, Bloodrayne, is based on a game that pits a vampire secret agent against mutant-manufacturing Nazis; Boll and screenwriter Guinevere Turner (American Psycho) have decided to make his movie a prequel set in medieval times.

By “medieval times,” of course, we mean that particular era of European history that goes unmentioned in most history books, when Transylvanians had either American accents or laughably fake English ones, noblemen dressed like either Mozart or King Charles II, and every woman had free access to breast implants. Vampire kings ruled the land, and some of them were stupid enough to install windows in their castles despite the fact that sunlight is absolutely fatal to them. And a human-vampire hybrid called a Dampir, resembling an impossibly hot fashion model (Kristanna “The Terminatrix” Loken), was able to kick all kinds of ass, yet inexplicably managed to be held captive by an obese circus ringmaster for years.

Boll does all his casting at the last minute, a technique that enables him to snag big-name actors without giving them much time to think things over. Here, he has obtained Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Billy Zane, Udo Kier, Meat Loaf, Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Pare, and Matt Davis, not all of whom seem fully in on the joke. Madsen sports a mullet, Kingsley looks like Salieri, Rodriguez pathetically attempts an English accent, Meat Loaf wears a powdered wig, blood gushes from slashed throats, and the Terminatrix shows her breasts. Honestly, what more do you want from a medieval vampire movie?

Throats are slit, bosoms are bared, and though the plot makes no sense, the film is technically competent, which is a first for Dr. Boll. His name strikes fear into the hearts of many moviegoers, but he is gradually getting slightly better, having apparently learned, at long last, the importance of both good lighting and pointing the camera at the actors. The production values found in Romania are nice, and the cast are enjoyably goofy, some apparently without realizing it (Billy Zane appears to be in a completely different movie, playing a character who’s elaborately set up with no pay-off whatsoever). It’d be a stretch to call the movie good, but at least it’s fun-bad.

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Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast)
Composite review: BLOODRAYNE, 7.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating
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18 comments to Composite review: BLOODRAYNE

  • Man, I gotta see this one. I hope its out for another couple weeks… got plans this weekend.

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  • LYT

    Doubt it…it’s barely out now as it is.

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  • Nope

    How dare you even write a movie review for one thing, and then say that it’s good!!

    Your talent for writing movie reviews is pathetic, and your skill for understanding what is going on the big screen is worse.

    You obviously have a hardon for Toilet Boll…

    You fail at life.

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  • Peggy C

    I love how the people that criticize your writing can’t spell or write a grammatically correct sentence.

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  • This kid popped over here during a 5 minute break from the Ain’t It Cool golden showers.

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  • Hah, it kinda had some style. ‘You fail at life.’ LOL.

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  • At least he cared enough to acknowledge that you have talent. Aw, golly shucks, that’s sweet.

    And yeah… “You fail at life”. How awesome was that? I’ll have to adopt and pack that one into my lingo satchel. LYT, I think a new t-shirt design is in order.

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  • offpat

    “fail at life” isn’t original or very eloquent (and his comments are generally incomprehensible anyway)

    “you suffer from delusions of adequacy” says the same thing much better -
    and “projection” is probably something about which this hatemailer doesn’t know a meaning other than the film related one.

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  • sean (connery)

    reminds me of the guy who flamed my avp ideas on your msg board…

    http://www.lytrules.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.cgi?board=pop;action=display;num=1082160491;start=5#5

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  • WOW

    Look at all the ass-kissing F@GS around here!!

    If any of you had any balls, you’d admit that this so-called “Review” is basically a bunch of crap.

    Try reading a real professional review, then you’ll see what one is.

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  • LYT

    Real professional review = one that got published and the author was paid.

    I got paid twice for the one you see above. That’s how I make my living, i.e. my profession.

    Learn the meaning of words before you knock writers who use them as a career.

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  • WOW

    You’re telling me that you were actually PAID for that short, worthless review?! You have to be kidding right?

    Hell, I could write a longer more detailed review just from the TV trailer!!

    I guess someone felt sorry for you and paid you for that “Review” out of the kindness of their heart. It sure wouldn’t be because it was informative or helpful…

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  • LYT

    Mr. Wow is unaware of the concept of word limits, apparently.

    But hey, if you can find a paper that lets you set your own length and write a review based on the trailer, go for it.

    The above is a hybrid of two pieces — one, published in 11 New Times papers, that had a 175 word limit. The other, published in LA CityBeat, that had a 250 word limit.

    So going longer would have been irrelevant. Not that logic or reality matters to you…nor, by the sound of it, have you actually seen the movie.

    But hey, you keep coming back to check up on it, despite its “worthlessness” (worth two paychecks, actually). I guess you feel EXTRA sorry for me.

    There are limits to my patience. If your next post is as rude as the rest, I’ll be happy to delete or ban. Insulting everyone in this thread, and my editors, is over the line, and I’ve humored you so far for the sake of clarification only.

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  • Ron Dickless

    Its people like you who keep Uwe Boll in the business. LYT. You are pathetic, though not as pathetic as my small penis. This is the first and very well the last time i’ll be reading a review from you, because you have shamed me, and I realize I will never measure up. Funny that i came across this written garbage by typing in Toilet Boll on MSN.com. Im glad you receive the sympathy of two paychecks for a worthless review. Why not write about how uwe boll hired prostitutes instead of actresses for a couple scenes. But i guess you’ll support him by saying it was with good intentions. I mean, i guess i can hire hookers on sunset blvd for a new movie and get the same sympathy from u. hahahhaa. Sigh. If only I could, but I can’t even pay people to have sex with me. this review must have been sponsored by Dr boll-crap. Im pretty sure on IN THE NAME OF THE KING, Burt Reynolds was an awesome choice for a medieval king. lol. Plebians.. hmmm. 2 paychecks? I didn’t even achieve that in the entire year 2006

    And I fully realize from this point on that while constructive criticism is allowed here, if I act like an asshole towards anyone on this site, my comments may be rewritten by the mods in any way, shape or form. Time to go remove my head from my anus.

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  • Sir Vampire BAX

    SOME TIMES U HAVE TO LOOK AT THINGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE AND NOT FOR WHAT U WISH THEM TO BE. ONLY THEN WILL U UNDERSTAND IT.

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  • rathernotsay

    lol linked to this from rotten tomatos… very enjoyable. I think it’s a well written and informative piece. so meh!

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  • pjw

    Very good site. Thank you.

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  • The obligatory Matthew McConaughey scene — as crucial to his fans as a Miley Cyrus song or a Seth Rogen penis joke is to theirs — is the ritual removing of his shirt, to reveal a torso that could have been sculpted, or certainly caressed, by Michelangelo.
    Read

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