What the hell was that I just watched?
Seriously, I know it’s expected to be a huge blockbuster and all, but it’s been quite some time since I’ve seen a would-be blockbuster so resolutely try to sabotage itself. It’s not an unmitigated disaster or anything, but there were clearly a string of very curious decisions made along the path of getting this into theaters. It’s like a pretty straight drama for an hour or so, then vampire stuff happens, and the movie barely cares about that stuff, so it’s rushed through and all major acts of violence happen offscreen. Then after the climax, it takes forever to actually finish while the main characters go to the prom and dance. Spoiler, I guess, but not really — there are three more of these to movies to go.
Catherine Hardwicke, director of THIRTEEN…really the best choice? It feels like she wanted to make a sequel — SEVENTEEN (hell, Nikki Reed’s here too) — but then after six weeks or so of shooting, somebody said, “Hey, put some vampire stuff in!” And she wanted to be gritty and realistic, then someone else reminded her that the book is actually an abstinence parable written by a Mormon, so the only guy who even takes his shirt off is a scary black man with dreadlocks, and a minor character is ultimately rewarded for choosing a prom dress with less cleavage than the one she originally wanted.
Also, Hardwicke spends the whole movie establishing the regular high school kids, so that when a bunch of vampires suddenly show up, we’re all “WTF? Who are all these new characters and why are we suddenly supposed to care about them and not the people we’ve just spent an hour with?” This stuff is probably explained better in the book, but like most Americans, I really don’t read books much, so I have to go on what I saw.
Basically, the movie’s about Bella (Kristen Stewart), who moves to the Pacific Northwest to be with her dad, and while she’s at school she gets lab-partnered up with a metrosexual dork named Edward (Robert Pattinson) who is actually the most unscary vampire since Count Duckula. Like every vampire movie, this flick makes its own rules about what vampires can and can’t do, but TWILIGHT features the dumbest fucking change to the rules I’ve ever heard. Ready? These vampires can’t go out in the sun, because when they do…their skin glistens beautifully like diamonds. Yes, they stay in twilight because the sun just makes them too goddamn sexy (and yet they live in a house with many large windows). Maybe the book explains it better, but Edward here actually complains about how women find him attractive even though he’d rather they stay away. Here’s one tip I have, just off the top of my head: Lose the hairspray, shave yourself a mohawk, burp loudly as much and as frequently as you’re able, and integrate the phrase “fuckin’ bitches” into your vocabulary as much as possible. The ladies won’t like that. But Edward’s nearly 100 years old, and he actively chooses to dress like a whiny-sexy emo-boy. [cue inevitable reader talkback: "omg ur just so jellous bcuz he's waaaaaay hotter than u!"]
The evil vampires dress even worse, like they only go to faux vintage boutiques where denim jackets with rips in them are like $2000. When Romulans in the new Star Trek movie dress better than evil vampires, you know you’re in lameland. The vampires apparently descend from a Native American demon called the Cold One, and when Bella does a Google search for “cold one,” this is the first thing that comes up…only a Mormon who has never had a beer could find that part plausible.
But Bella and Edward fall for each other despite his fashion sense. And Edward’s a pacifist vampire who only eats animals (all off-camera), but he always has to restrain his desires around Bella, lest he go crazy and actually have sex…er, no, wait, I mean eat her. But it’s a metaphor for not having teen sex.
Then the bad vampires show up to play baseball with the good vampires (yes, baseball…I could not make this stuff up if I tried), and one of them who has a blond ponytail decides he wants to eat Bella because she smells nice, and also because it’ll piss Edward off and he figures it’ll be fun to kick Edward’s ass (I agree, I think that would be fun too). So a bunch of sudden convolutions happen, and it turns out Edward’s sister can see the future. Edward, by the way, can read minds, because the vampire powers in this world are just totally arbitrary by this point.
It all leads to a showdown where they break a bunch of mirrors and all the cool stuff happens offscreen again. And after the good vampires came up with this elaborate plan to stop the ponytail guy that involved splitting up, it turns out that they can pretty easily defeat him just by ganging up on him all together. So that seems kinda dumb.
I’ll give the movie credit, though — the two leads are pretty good. Edward’s inherently a dorky character, but Pattinson does a good job with what he has. And the parts where Hardwicke is just directing like it’s a typical high school drama are well-done too — it’s just she can’t seem to handle action or horror.
When the lights went down in my theater, the audience screamed loudly, and they dutifully laughed at every joke. But by the end, they seemed worn out…there was barely any applause, and I overheard one girl saying she fell asleep in it.
I imagine fans of the book will like it, but I’m not sure who else will. The pace is just too slow upfront, and the action at the end too rushed. If they give the sequel to someone other than Hardwicke, there’s potential, especially since there’s a teaser about werewolves. But given what we’ve seen so far, they probably turn into poodles or something.
TWILIGHT Zone-Out,
I have zero interest in seeing this, but I have to brace myself, because my little sister may want to go. And unlike you (and most Americans), I DO read, but I didn’t read this–it’s geared for ‘tween girls, and I just couldn’t bring myself to pick up a book like that.
Which is illogical, because I’ve read all of the Harry Potter books (and enjoyed them). Maybe I’m just Judy Blume’d out?
Don’t feel like you needed to read the book to see the movie; judging from this review, no changes were made to the actual plot.
meidra: you DO need to read the book…nothing is changed, but a lot of movie stuff won’t make a whole lot of sense if the book isn’t read…sorry!
dopa: Sorry, but a film adaptation should be able to stand on its own, without its audience being familiar with the source material. If you have to read the book to understand the movie, then the movie, as an adaptation, has FAILED.
Even if you read the book, things wouldn’t make sense. There’s a whole bunch of logic missing from the Twilight Series and Meyer refuses to acknowledge the fallacies in her own reasoning.
Your review was hilarious and so true! My god! But honestly, the movie did pretty good with the material it had — it was IMPOSSIBLE from the beginning to make such a shitty illogical book from a nutty Mormom into a blockbuster hit, you know?
And if you think TWILIGHT was deranged, I’m curious to know how you’d react after reading the fourth book of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. It’s got everything from a mutant growth-accelerated Rosemary’s baby-like creature to pedophile werewolves and pillow-biting vampires, and the biggest anticlimax in history! Oh, Stephenie Meyer… where would I get my Lolz if it wasn’t for you?
How is “Twilight” different from recent vampire love stories out there like the current “True Blood,” as well as “Buffy,” Forever Knight” and “Angel?” Even “Nosferatu” had a tragic love story….
I like tragic vampire love stories but, this one seems to sound like it lacks originality or even offer something different.
Sorry, I’m neither a ‘tween or a girl.
I’m a hot 34 year old mom who went bananas over the entire novel series. My daughter an I went to the mid-night first showing. I was totally excited and then it was over. It all went too fast not to mention it just didn’t do the book justice. The simple element of romance between Bella n Edward were not there at all. Pattison did all he could do with what he had. Hell they all did. Hardwicke killed it. I’m still a fan but dam, put some meat n potatoes into the next one.
I enjoyed the books and was terribly excited to go see it, even went to the 12 am showing on the 21st. Ummmm well…. I think ppl should just read the books skip the movie!
I thought your movie review was stupid and i think its even more stupid how they get old, unhappy oblivious morons to rate and review movies for the rest of us..the best review i read was from a guy named Roger Ebert and i quote “Twilight will mesmerize its target audience”, “I understand who ‘Twilight’ appeals to, and it sure will.”
Finally a movie critic with a fully functioning brain. If your not really interested in a movie then you wouldnt go see it right?..somehow that concept gets lost in translation when applied to movie critics and their work.. these movie critics are forced to go to movies they obviously wont like and then give us bullshit reviews and warn us not to see them. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.
ps i thought the movie was great, people have really weird expectation and i think its pretty dumb how people were expecting some mad-awesome blockbuster with amazing special effects and alot of lovey-dovey-ness between edward and bella..thats shallow and theres alot more to it then that – i think hardwicke plans to build this up in the following films..but hey thats just my opinions.
Nobody forced me to see this…I wanted to. Had hopes for the best.
This movie was extremely disappointing. I read all 4 of the books, which were very good, but they movie was way tooooo rushed, and uncoordinated. They left out wayyy to much for it to make sense and it just seemed incredibly stupid. =/
I’m a fan of the book and I didn’t like it. XD
This is by far the best review i’ve heard. XD
The movie is dumb and the books are dumber.. I went to see it for all of the eye-candy in it but most of the time I just ended up laughing about it with my friends
So far, most of the reviews I’ve seen have said that most fans of the book did not like the movie. So, that can’t be a good recommendation.
BTW you missed the dumbest premise of all – what sort of a masochist does a 100 year old vampire have to be to voluntarily go back to high school?? I mean, seriously, WTF? Also, speaking of pedeophiles, what about this 100 year old guy dating a 15 year old girl? (Especially a really tom-boyish looking girl) Talk about your pedeophilia! I mean, that’s a little creepy. Seriously.
To be fair, Julie — she’s 17 in the movie (which is legal in some states) and the actress in real life is 18. That’s a bit better than 15.
I was gonna say the guy’s obliged to go to high school just to blend in — but unless he acts like an utter dunce, that cover would be blown after a year or two.
Actually, that’s not a bad premise for some other story right there — an immortal who acts retarded so he keeps being held back at school.
Yeah, but someone would eventually notice that he didn’t age and had been there for years.
So I had to go see it today with my little sister. It wasn’t as bad as I feared from your review, Luke. I think it was actually pretty standard teen “romance novel” level stuff. In adult romance novels, they do eventually have sex, so that’s the only thing missing in this one. Cheesiness is required in this format.
I’m just saying… if a high school senior girl fell in love with a (apparently less than bright and immature) 30 year old going to her high school under a false identity, I don’t think anyone would think it was cute and romantic.
And I am sick to death of hearing a 107 year old vampire catagorized as a teenager. He might be a complete moron who is emotionally immature, but at 107 you no longer a teenager. Sorry, doesn’t work for me.
But a mortal 30 year old looks like a 30 year old. This vampire dude became a vampire as a teen and apparently you hold your age when you get converted. So at least he doesn’t look so creepy with her.
And the Mormon church has a history of passing off their child brides to older men…gross as that is. I guess it can be considered common in some cultures–a man goes out and gets established, then once he has money and a home he takes a young, theoretically-fertile bride to start his clan.
Actually, reading the book first makes the movie better. Trust me, after you’ve read any of the book, you’ll be grateful for the few things they’re able to do for the story in the movie.
i love edward and bella.they are defenitely a couple.they are the best person i’ve ever saw in movie.i hope edward and bella will have their own personal email address so that they can send me email.my email address is hmchar@gmail.com thank u.
show me edward
the movie was fab but ofcourse the book was better.but we all watched it so wtf.robert pattinson is freakin hot and kristen stewart quite pretty.the plot was good and after reading the books i just wanna see the movies.there is not another young hollywood couple who could do it better.and yes ‘SHOW US MORE EDWARD’