THE BARBARIAN INVASIONS
Those French know all about Invasions!

BLUE CAR
Blue Car, smilin’ at me! Nothin’ but Blue Car, do I see!

BROTHER BEAR
It Bear-s repeating: Check out this film, Brother!

BUBBA HO-TEP
Hubba hubba, here comes Bubba!

DIE MOMMIE DIE
Live, box office, live! For this movie!

DR. SEUSS’ THE CAT IN THE HAT
The Dr. is In! Hat-s off to The Cat, for Seuss!

ELEPHANT
An important movie! Gus Van Sant is the undisputed master of all vaguely gay cinema!

ELF
Stands for “Excellent Lovely Film!”

THE HUMAN STAIN
Oh, The Human-ity! Stain unmoved is an impossible task!

GOTHIKA
Bravurika!

IN THE CUT
In the best of year list I’m composing!

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY
It’s Intolerabletastic!

JEEPERS CREEPERS 2
Pedophile-tastic!

KILL BILL, VOL. 1
Billariffic!

THE LAST SAMURAI
Sam-ur better than others, but this movie’s tops!

LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION
Looney ticks! With all the excitement of a cinematic time bomb of joy!

LOST IN TRANSLATION
Unless Academy voters are Lost, this movie will be a Translation In to Oscars!

LOVE ACTUALLY
Love it, really!

MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD
Masterful and Commanding! The near side of great movies!

THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS
The cinematic revolutions! Against bad movies! Because this one’s so good!

MYSTIC RIVER
A River runs through it…and by “it,” I mean the Oscar ceremony!

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO
Once Upon a Time I watched a masterful movie! And it was this one!

PIECES OF APRIL
April showered! With praise! By me!

RADIO
Tardtastic!

RUNAWAY JURY
The Jury is in! A Runaway hit!

SCARY MOVIE 3
So good it’s Scary!

SCHOOL OF ROCK
It’ll School your ass! And Rock it too! Of course!

SHATTERED GLASS
Shattered my expectations with a real touch of Glass!

THE STATION AGENT
Honest and true, unlike a Hollywood agent! Ha ha!

SWAT
SWAT’s the deal!

SYLVIA
It’ll always have a Plath in my heart!

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
The Hollywood Bravura Picture!

TUPAC RESURRECTION
Tupac is the next big thing! A promising up-and-comer with a great career ahead!

21 GRAMS
The Grams-Daddy of ‘em all!

WHALE RIDER
Unlike a whale, this movie doesn’t blow!

SPECIAL 4TH O’ JULY BONANZA BATCH

ALEX & EMMA
Alexemplary & Emmazing!

BRUCE ALMIGHTY
Almighty then!

CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
Demi Moore should be called Demi-Goddess!

DADDY DAY CARE
Who’s your Daddy? Why, someone who takes you to this movie, of
course!

FINDING NEMO
Soon to be Finding Oscars!

THE HARD WORD
Word up, yo!

HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE
Hooray for Hollywood!

THE HULK
This time, the green giant makes you jolly!

THE ITALIAN JOB
Take this Job and love it!

LEGALLY BLONDE 2: RED, WHITE & BLONDE
When it comes to bubbly comedies, I love Reese’s to pieces!

THE LEGEND OF SURIYOTHAI
The Legend of Bravura Picture!

MAN ON THE TRAIN
Train yourself to like the good movies, Man! Get
on it!

THE MATRIX RELOADED
The Matrix Bravura!

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
If this movie were female, it would be a Caribbean Queen!

RUGRATS GO WILD
Wild thing – it’ll make your heart sing!

SINBAD: LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS
Sinbad? It should be Singood! Or Singreat!

SWIMMING POOL
Pool your resources to buy a ticket! It’ll work out
Swimming-ly

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES
More like Rise of my heart rate!

TOGETHER
Together-riffic

28 DAYS LATER
Need to see a rockin’ flick? Later, dude!

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS
I’m Furious it didn’t last longer! Because it sure went by Fast!

WHALE RIDER
Cetacean-tastic!

WINGED MIGRATION
The best non-narrative documentary about birds with voice over by some French guy ever made!

NEW REVIEWS APRIL ‘03

ANGER MANAGEMENT
You’ll go mad for it! Jack Nicholson is the undisputed master of all cinema!

BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM
Bend what? A penis? Because I did, and it felt great! Like watching this
movie!

BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE
Down-right fantastic! Bringing your House-mates to see
it would be The best idea!

BULLETPROOF MONK
Suck-proof movie! By which I mean that it’s good!

THE CORE
It’s bury, bury good!

DYSFUNKTIONAL FAMILY
“Dys” Family gots da Funk!

THE GOOD THIEF
It’ll steal your heart! It’s that Good!

HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES
House arresting!

IRREVERSIBLE
Hip! Edgy! Rape-tastic!

MALIBU’S MOST WANTED
Malibu’s best movie!

MARION BRIDGE
Bridge-a-riffic!

A MIGHTY WIND
A Mighty movie! Christopher Guest is the undisputed master of all
fake cinematic documentaries starring himself!

PIGLET’S BIG MOVIE
Swine-tastic! It may have Pooh, but it’s no poo-poo!

PHONE BOOTH
Colin Farrell is the sexiest drunk Irish guy to have made two movies with
the director of Batman and Robin alive!

SPUN
Spin-dizzying! Kids who do drugs are the next hip thing!

TEARS OF THE SUN
Tears of joy!

WHAT A GIRL WANTS
What a moviegoer wants!

WILLARD
Some say Crispin Glover won’t get an Oscar, but I say he Willard!

XX/XY
X-Xcellent!/X Y not go?

NEW AS OF FEB '03!

ALL THE REAL GIRLS
Zooey Deschanel is a Real talent! Plus I’d rather have sexual intercourse with her than most actresses!

AMANDLA!
I wanna take you by the hand, make you understand…Amandla!

AMEN
Father, bless this movie for it has sinned…by being just too damn good!

DAREDEVIL
Devil-ishly good! I Dare you to say otherwise!

GODS AND GENERALS
Divine! The guys who made this are Gods! In a General sort of way!

HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT
I love it! Only an idiot Loves it Not!

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS
Lose the cynicism, Guy! How else will you learn To appreciate this movie? In fact, you’ll remember it for Days! 10 of them! A triumph!

OLD SCHOOL
An education in comedy!

PINOCCHIO
The Pinocchiacle of cinematic achievement! I wooden miss it!

SHANGHAI KNIGHTS
Don’t like this movie? What are you, Hai?

SMOKERS ONLY
Smokes the competition, no butts about it!

WXIII: PATLABOR THE MOVIE 3
WXIII-a-riffic! This Movie has its style down Pat! No Labor required, in any of The 3 theaters it’s playing in!

AND HERE ARE THE REST:

ABOUT SCHMIDT
More like About Oscars!

ADAPTATION
This December, be sure to visit a different Saint Nicolas (Cage, that is!)!

ANALYZE THAT
I’d pay good money to see Robert De Niro wiping his ass! But he does more than that in this movie! Much more!

ANTWONE FISHER
Remember, you can’t spell “Antwone” without “won.” As in awards.

AUTO FOCUS
Something’s coming into view…could it be…YES! Greg Kinnear taking the Oscar!

THE BANK
The first big hit of the year – Bank on it!

BARBERSHOP
Hair-riffic! If it were a haircut, it’d be a mullet! Because mullets are funny, and this film is too!

BLIND SPOT: HITLER’S SECRETARY
It’s Fant-Nazi-c!

BLOODY SUNDAY
Bloody good! See it on Sunday!

BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE
The most important movie ever made about anything! Michael Moore will remind you about politics!

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
Steven Spielberg is the undisputed master of all cinema! Do You think he Can manage to Catch an Oscar? I do!

CHICAGO
Da Bulls! Da Bears! Da Oscars!

CITY OF GOD
God would, of course, want you to visit his City!

CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND
I Confess! This movie’s brilliant! Mind you don’t miss it! That would be Dangerous!

DARKNESS FALLS
The Tooth Fairy makes for a fairy good monster, to tell the tooth!

DIE ANOTHER DAY
Picture. Bravura Picture.

DRUMLINE
You can’t beat it!

8 MILE
Eminem is the greatest actor who ever lived! But you wouldn’t guess that because he’s a rapper!

FAR FROM HEAVEN
Heavenly! It won’t have to go Far to win Oscars!

FEMME FATALE
Brian De Palma is the undisputed master of all cinema! Even when his movies suck, they’re somehow brilliant! Like this one!

FRIDA
It’s Frida-tastic!

GANGS OF NEW YORK
This is one Gang-bang you should run to see, in a New York minute!

A GUY THING
A movie to Guy for!

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
The Secret is out: Harry Potter is Chamber-riffic!

THE HOT CHICK
This is a really funny movie if you’re not a stuck-up, pretentious film critic like everyone else except me!

THE HOURS
Hours of fun! Well, two of them, anyway. Unless you see it multiple times! Which you should!!!!!

JACKASS: THE MOVIE
I’m not supposed to like this movie! But I do! Am I hip yet?

JONAH: A VEGGIETALES MOVIE
Remember when Mom said vegetables were good for you? Well, they are!

JUST MARRIED
Just Married-tastic! Ashton Kutcher is a James Dean for the new millennium, except he hasn’t died in a car crash yet!

KANGAROO JACK
Get hopped up on a shot of Jack!

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS
Even Al Qaeda couldn’t bring these Two Towers down! Peter Jackson is the undisputed master of all cinema!

LOVE LIZA
Love Philip Seymour Hoffman! He’s the sexiest unconventional-looking man alive!

MAID IN MANHATTAN
Take a date to the movie, and you’ve got it Maid!

MAY
It’s a-May-zing!

MORVERN CALLAR
The best movie with a weird title that doesn’t make any sense ever made!

MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING
My Big Fat Bravura Picture!

NATIONAL SECURITY
Those people who say Martin Lawrence is an egomaniacal, gun-waving, drug-taking lunatic are wrong! Because he isn’t!

NICHOLAS NICKLEBY
Here’s my five cents: This is one nickel that shines!

ONE HOUR PHOTO
Robin Williams is crap-your-pants scary! But I didn’t actually see this movie!

PERSONAL VELOCITY
If you want a great movie to see, this time it’s Personal!

THE PIANIST
Roman Polanski is the undisputed master of all cinema! Except that he sometimes fucks babies!

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE
Adam Sandler is Adamazing AND Sandleriffic!

THE RING
Memo to the Academy: Before you give out the Oscar, you see The Ring!

ROAD TO PERDITION
Thunder Road! Tom Hanks is magically Perditious!

ROGER DODGER
More like Brilliant Drilliant!

RUSSIAN ARK
Rem Ark able! A treasure trove for grown-ups to raid!

THE SANTA CLAUSE 2
Santastic! Tim Allen is the undisputed master of all cinema!

SECRETARY
Well spank my ass! I loved it!

SOLARIS
Solar power! George Clooney is our most valuable source for alternative energy!

SPIDER
Ralph Fiennes is the real Spider man! David Cronenberg is the undisputed master of all cinema!

SPIDER-MAN
Don’t bug out! Spider-Man will snare you in its web!

SPIRITED AWAY
High Spirited! Who needs drugs? This movie will blow your mind and take you Away!

STAR TREK: NEMESIS
Should be called Star Trek: Oscars!

SWEPT AWAY
Prima Madonna! Swept Away will make you forget the material world!

TALK TO HER
Pedro Almodovar’s last film was All About My Mother. This one should be called All About Oscars!

TREASURE PLANET
The real treasure will be the gold statue! Full speed ahead!

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE
The real Truth here is that Charlie will be all About the gold come March! Jonathan Demme is the undisputed master of all cinema!

TWO WEEKS NOTICE
It shouldn’t take you Two Weeks to Notice this gem! A triumph!

WES CRAVEN PRESENTS: THEY
Wes Craven should present the Oscar! To himself!