LYT's Weblog

Thanks Rob Long, or as the ladies call you, Rob Short. Y’know, because he’s not that tall. Rob Long, as we all know because Cathy’s told us 100 times, used to work on the TV show CHEERS, set in a bar where no-one ever gets drunk. I loved that show. I believed in that show. So it’s pretty much Rob’s fault that I’m an alcoholic. Thanks a bunch, Rob.

But this evening is all about Cathy, and really, what can I say about her? Other than she’s the only blonde republican pundit I don’t wanna fuck. I’m just kidding, Cathy, I’d totally nail you, like right now...I’m just afraid I might catch cancer. Speaking of which, I hear Ann Coulter’s trying to get cancer, because she’s jealous of how thin you are.

I kid, but since we’re on the subject of sex, I once heard Cathy say she’d rather suck cock than smoke a cigar. Which proves that she actually does have one thing in common with David Ehrenstein.

alicublog recently speculated that Cathy invents liberal friends just for the sake of her column. What you may not know is that that’s absolutely true...I am a figment of your imagination. But really, some of these characters she talks about are so obviously made up. Like this one “friend” of hers, who’s apparently on the editorial staff at the LA Times, wears a pink vest, looks like Ben Affleck, and is married to a French woman? Yeah, nice try, Cathy, I really believe this so called “Matt Welch” exists.

I first met Cathy at the LA Press club, where she puts on several events per year, like that one “My Friend Rob Long is awesome”...that was a good panel...and that other one “Rob Long’s new book is really cool”...I was there...and who can forget “What Rob Long did last Tuesday.” We get it, Cathy...you’re friends with a guy who worked on a show that was popular some three decades ago.

I’m exaggerating, of course...Cathy’s honored a whole bunch of other right-wing nutcases over the years, but I never paid much attention because there was free food. Is everyone enjoying the free food here? The booze isn’t free, so I expect to declare bankruptcy by the evening’s end.

So who else have we got here? Andrew Breitbart...I once implied that he had made an off-color joke, and he responded by saying that he doesn’t have any jokes in his repertoire...I think his speech tonight proved that. We have Luke Ford, the one and only die-hard fan of both Dennis Prager and Air Supply, which proves that his aesthetic taste is every bit as suspect as his intellectual acumen. Ross Johnson’s still upset he didn’t get the role of The Thing in Fantastic Four...You know how they say “If these walls could talk”? Have a conversation with ross, and you’ll realize a wall CAN talk.

Roger L. Simon, is the man who created Moses Wine. I love Moses Wine -- two dollars at Trader Joe’s = awesome!

Amy Alkon...you know, one of these days, Amy Alkon is gonna figure something out. Every week, she writes about how she goes to Starbucks, and some kid there is being an asshole. Hey, I have an idea...Quit going to the Starbucks where the asshole kids hang out! Amy likes to say that there is no God...funnily enough, that’s what her boyfriend Greg said right after they first slept together. “There is no God!” Don’t be mad, Amy...I’d hate for you to have to take my picture with your cellphone!

Ray Richmond I haven’t known that long, but I already hate him. I remember he once wrote an article for New Times LA called “Who wants to be an idiot?” I don’t know the answer to that one, Ray; how’s it workin’ out for ya?

Jill Stewart...ya know, people like to complain about Jill Stewart being right-wing and intolerant, but in fact, she has a lot of sympathy and compassion for charity cases...just look at her boyfriend, Norm.

But back to Cathy...she used to sometimes make fun of my hair, when I’d dye it funky colors, because lord knows she’d never ever stand for a hideous dye job. Honestly, Cathy, your chemotherapy wig looked better than this bleach thing you have now.

Not that I’m superficial like that. I recognize that Cathy is an important part of the contemporary blogosphere. Cathy has often asked the question, “Why don’t the mainstream media employ more bloggers?” Well, Cathy, maybe it’s because nobody who reads the LA Times gives a flying fuck that some gay guy at the City Lights bookstore thinks Orianna Fallacci’s a fascist. Or that your daughter Maia’s applying for college and might want to major in Russian. Look, I think we all love Maia, but I can probably speak for everyone here when I say thank Christ there wasn’t a blogosphere 15 years ago, or we’d have read 5 posts a week about Maia’s bowel movements in her diapers...and how they somehow prove that Leftists aren’t very tolerant.

Who the hell is this Fallacci chick anyway? If I were to say I don’t like Muslims, would Cathy write the same column 18 times in a row about me? Of course she would.

And Cathy’s comments section...hoo boy. We’ve got David N. Scott, who thinks a stale aint-it-cool-news cliché is funny every single time; Mike K., a doctor who thinks AZT is still used to treat AIDS, and that secondhand smoke is good for you; Odysseus, a soldier in Iraq who assures us that everything’s going great! There and we’re winning!...But if we’re not, it’s only because of the media. And then there’s David Ehrenstein, who calmly and rationally lays out the liberal perspective without ever resorting to hyperbole...or random links to photographs of giant penises.

Actually, Cathy secretly likes those photos... she’s never seen any that size in real life.

But seriously, when I look around this room, and see all these kinds of freaks and degenerates -- including the one in the mirror -- it stands out to me as a testament to the kind of person Cathy really is. Because we’ve got total assholes from all over the spectrum in the house tonight, and we’re all here to honor someone who’s somehow managed to put up with all of us, and even be a good friend. She’s a crazy Republican nutjob, but goddamit, she’s OUR crazy Republican nutjob, and I salute her.