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June 30, 2005

Dracula or Frankenstein?

I'm trying to decide which one I am at the moment.

Two bleeding holes in my neck. But they're stitched up.

As my endless quest to be free of doctors continues, I decided I might as well take the opportunity to remove a couple of moles that have always bugged me. They're on my neck. Or rather, they were. In that one headshot of me that's on most of my merchandise, you can see one of them.

Now it's just a couple of stitched wounds. And while getting an injection in the side of your throat is quite nasty, it's not as nasty as you might think. Nonetheless, the Undertaker's "Sara" neck tattoo is not one I'll ever make plans to duplicate.

Yet ANOTHER fucking hospital bill in the mail today, this one for $900. If you're ever deathly ill, try not to let it happen on a weekend or at night, because that costs extra. Seriously. By a lot.

Rash "down there" is not gone. Think I may have developed a skin allergy to something, which is no fun in that region. It's not like I don't already have enough allergy problems -- the whole cat and dog thing seriously puts a crimp in dating, possibly more than you'd realize, because women, especially single women, have much more of a thing for animals than guys do.

Anyway, back to the neck. Five more days with antibiotics, comin' up...

Posted by LYT at 7:03 PM | Comments (3)

A little more religious movie-reviewing insanity...

Usual disclaimers apply:

"In reality, of course, atheism and homosexuality ultimately lead to narcissism and nihilism. People who succumb to them can never be truly nice people. Movies like HEIGHTS that casually accept atheism and homosexuality usually don’t make much money and hopefully never will."

Posted by LYT at 1:01 AM | Comments (4)

And another review

Here's a short piece on zombies that I did for Citybeat.

"Now Land of the Dead is finally here, and I’d love to tell you that the master is back to kick ass and take names, but it just isn’t the case. Not that Romero has wimped out – Greg Nicotero’s gore effects are as creatively bloody as you could hope for. It’s just that the old master seems to have had so many ideas for a sequel over the years that he crammed too many of them in at once, and, rather than let social statements remain a subtext, they’re now very much at the forefront, pushing the zombies to the background."

Posted by LYT at 12:13 AM | Comments (3)

Because David can't wait to hear how I liked Martin Lawrence...

The review is up now. Excerpt:

"Martin Lawrence has never exactly been among the world's more gifted comedians, yet his movies seem to keep raking in the cash, so there must be legions of loyal Lawrenceheads out there somewhere. But even they, who made financial successes of Black Knight and Big Momma's House and National Security, may be disappointed by Rebound. Lawrence's humor, such as it is, generally stems from danger. At any moment, he might say something he isn't supposed to, or act outrageously while donning some deliberately awful disguise."

Read the whole thing

(and yes, I know waaay too much about Martin Lawrence movies. I've had to see most of them.)

Posted by LYT at 12:09 AM | Comments (2)

June 29, 2005

I want to go to a cookout on the 4th

...but I haven't been invited to any. Who's having one?

Posted by LYT at 4:50 PM | Comments (7)

Sticking with the political theme...(and copping Roy Edroso's style a bit)

Shorter GEORGE W. BUSH: There are terrorists in Madrid, Riyadh, Istanbul, Jakarta, Bali, and Casablanca. Because of them, we're going to stay in Iraq. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. Hey, look over there! Libya!

[and while I'm at it...]

Shorter version of Almost Every Semi-Famous Blogger: I'm not a Republican, I'm an independent, because I think gay marriage and stem-cell reseearch are okay. Besides that, I agree with George W. Bush on everything, and the people who don't are pathetic sheep beholden to a useless ideology. Also they're hateful, unlike me.

(apologies to Alicublog)

Posted by LYT at 3:19 PM | Comments (5)

June 28, 2005

Awww sheeit...goaded into a political post again

Most of these, I only do because no-one else is.

"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers" -- Karl Rove.

Okay, the "offer therapy" thing is totally stupid, and no sane conservative genuinely believes it, I hope.

Understanding your attacker...is elementary strategy, according to THE ART OF WAR. Dismiss it, and you'll lose. You NEED to understand your enemy to how he/she/it functions, so that you can counterattack.

So the big thing I want to respond to here is the part about preparing indictments.

It's been a standard conservative attack line -- liberals think terrorism is a law enforcement issue, but we know it's war. This very argument was used against Kerry by Bush.

So let's just assume that the proper response to an act of terrorism is war. Now let's take an infamous terrorist whom we actually caught, Tim McVeigh.

McVeigh was a part of the Michigan Militia, a far-right, anti-government group of folks with guns. By the "terrorism = war" logic, we should have sent in the National Guard to take them out, not because they actually committed a crime, but because they foster the mindset that led to the crime.

There's a problem: We tried that exact thing at Waco and Ruby Ridge. Anyone happy with the way those things turned out? I don't know anyone on the left OR right who is. Had a Republican been president for those, I suspect there'd be more apologists.

Look, Israel's response to terrorism has been war for many years. Does it help them? If they would focus on arresting specific terror leaders rather than using missile attacks and mass-bulldozing of houses, I'd wager they'd have more international sympathy.

Terrorism is a violation of law. And if you'll remember, Bush's little Iraq adventure was framed as a response to Saddam breaking international law.

Perhaps if we did handle it with indictments and law enforcement we would be better off.

I know the main counter-argument already -- we let the World Trade Center get bombed once, and because we didn't declare war then, we got 9-11.

However, another major reason we got 9-11 is because we didn't track down people with expired visas. LAW ENFORCEMENT ISSUE!

Additionally, war with Iraq and Afghanistan would not have stopped 9-11. War with Saudi Arabia and Egypt, maybe, but no-one's suggesting that even now.

Supporting a law-enforcement based solution just means going after the actual individuals involved, rather than attacking the entire country. If the country pulls a Taliban and refuses to give up a guilty party after we've offered proof, then you have your case for war, and I do think Afghanistan was justifiable from a realpolitik sense.

Unfortunately, Bush didn't even bother making a good case against Saddam, even though one possibly could have been made.

But the bottom line is that I am not ashamed of favoring law enforcement over war. Nor should anyone else be.

Posted by LYT at 11:07 PM | Comments (8)

June 27, 2005

Battlefield: Earth!

Yeah, so I saw this potentially controversial movie today with a religious nutjob star who has a totally homoerotic vibe, and a director who may be insane, especially if he's marketing this thing to families...

but enough about my PASSION OF THE CHRIST DVD. I also saw WAR OF THE WORLDS.

(P.S. Totally lying about that PASSION thing for the sake of a cheap joke. Father, forgive me.)

There has been a lot of controversy this summer about whether or not the big movies are appropriate for kids. STAR WARS has some scary stuff, BATMAN BEGINS has mature themes...child's play compared to WAR OF THE WORLDS. See, parents trust Steven Spielberg. Unless he's making a movie about black people or dead Jews, his stuff these days is usually sickeningly sentimentally suitable for all ages. So if they see his name on this movie, especially since it's about extraterrestrials, they'll likely figure it's okay to bring the little ones.

Dead wrong. Wanna know what the main thrust of the action is in WAR OF THE WORLDS? It's all about li'l Dakota Fanning being horrendously traumatized over and over again. Granted, those of you who saw HIDE AND SEEK may think she deserves it, but your kids won't. They'll be freaked out along with her. It's only Spielberg and Tom Cruise's combined clout that keeps the flick from an R rating, I'm guessing. The aliens drink human blood, for God's sake!

As for the extremely heterosexual motion picture thespian known as Tom Cruise, the movie provides a new explanation for his recent public behavior. Cruise, who likes chicks, plays a crane operator named Ray, who's a bit of a jerk and a nutcase, prone to talking over people, acting impulsively, and being really judgmental. Is it possible the actor, who definitely does not pound ass, is simply still in character, unable to break from Steven's excellent direction? Maybe.

Ray's daughter is played by Dakota, whose character name I forget. Not that she's playing a character -- it's the same precocious comment/stare widely/scream thing she always does.

The beginnning of the film is the most annoying part. Morgan Freeman delivers some narration here and at the end which borders on camp. Since Freeman isn't even in the movieas a character, it's stupider still. Cruise, who apparently loves vaginas, could have read those lines, or Fanning.

Anyway, Ray is a sucky dad, and his ex-wife Miranda Otto is clearly a good mom, except that she leaves her kids with Ray to go off to Boston. Ray has a teenage son played by some actor I'm not familiar with. (I didn't get a press kit for this screening. Can you tell? Blame Paramount for not putting my name on the list.)

Ray's kid is working on a paper about the French occupation of Algiers (that's onea them thar foreshadowing metaphors). And it looks like Indiana Jones' hat is hanging on Ray's wall, but thank the baby Jesus he never actually puts it on.

Then there are some freak lightning storms, and a bunch of killer machines that have been buried underground for a million years come to the surface. They're controlled by Thetan souls trapped by Xenu in volcanoes for eons...oh wait, no, not quite.

They're tripods, with kind of a retro look to them, and they immediately set about incinerating people. Somehow Ray is the only human being brilliant enough to dodge all their fire, and he gets home to his kids, taking them away in the only car that still works. In yet another piece of incredibly good fortune, even the traffic-clogged interstate always manages to have just enough room for their vehicle to squeak by. The goal is to get to Boston, to see Eowyn. And if you think that car's gonna hold up, you're nuts.

Spielberg seems to have totally forgotten that he's a wuss, and plays this like the Holocaust and 9-11 combined. Ashes of dead people fall from the sky. Dead bodies float downstream. Vast swaths of people are casually massacred. Ray goes to extreme lengths to survive. Though the perspective is frequently kept intimate, like in SIGNS, there are enough glimpses of epic destruction to ensure that you remember this is a summer movie.

There's no love interest for Ray, but you shouldn't doubt that if there were one, they'd totally have a shitload of heterosexual chemistry. Tom Cruise gets to cry some in order to prove he's a good actor. Tim Robbins is pretty good as a character sort of based on one of H.G. Wells' original characters.

You get to see the aliens, and they look like Jodie Foster's dad. Sorry, couldn't resist. I won't spoil their appearance, except to say that given their alien bodies, the faces are too similar to humans. However, they look absolutely nothing like John Travolta in dreadlocks and platform boots. By the way, I was watching a VH-1 show today on nudity in films, and apparently John Travolta has a no-nudity clause. I'd like to applaud him for standing firm on his morals. Yeah...morals. Anyway, Travolta certainly is a straight man like Cruise. He has kids and everything. But he's not in this movie at all, so I'm getting off track.

Other than the preposterous invincibility of Ray during the first 45 minutes or so, I dug the movie. Very tense, and very ruthless. The last scenes aren't as great, just because there's a meeting which takes place that depends on way too much coincidence, and Morgan Freeman's narration comes back to talk about God, probably to try to soothe over people like Rev. Thomas Carder and Dr. Ted Baehr, who may notice, quite correctly, that the Bible says nothing at all about Martian war machines having been buried under the soil before Adam and Eve showed up.

It never says that the invaders are from Mars. But it never says they aren't, either. I congratulate Spielberg on finding his cojones. I hope he keeps them.

Also, Tom Cruise is not gay, and I have never written that he is. Wally George said Tom wanted to marry Rebecca DeMornay, and that's all I need to know.

Posted by LYT at 11:10 PM | Comments (65)

Coupla reviews I forgot about

Chances are you weren't planning on seeing these anyway...

#THE HONEYMOONERS#

For the love of God, people, some TV shows are simply not suited for the big screen! Especially ones that were tailored to the specific shtick of a comedy star. If we can recast Jackie Gleason’s signature role of Ralph Kramden with Cedric the, ahem, “Entertainer,” why not Jim Carrey as Cliff Huxtable in “The Cosby Show Movie”? (You bastards owe me money if you actually make that happen.) Mike Epps (Chris Tucker’s unfunny replacement in the “Friday” movies) seems to have been tapped to replace Art Carney based on the fact that both have a fondness for stupid-looking hats, but since the character is named Ed Norton, there might have been some decent laughs to be had in casting the successful movie star of the same name. But then again, that assumes that those involved in making this film would know a decent laugh if it ran over them with a bus.

You know there are gonna be problems in a movie that not only features the annoying Epps but also the equally irritating John Leguizamo. And rabid fans of the TV show desperate for any kind of “Honeymooners” fix will likely recoil in disgust to see that “To the moon, Alice!” is now a prospective romantic voyage rather than a politically incorrect domestic violence joke (Trey Parker and Matt Stone proved the original context of the joke can still work on “That’s My Bush!”). The plot, which centers on greyhound racing, is essentially stolen from the first “Simpsons Christmas Special”, but since Homer Simpson was undoubtedly partly inspired by Ralph Kramden, that’s sort of fair game. It just ain’t all that funny.

#THE PERFECT MAN#

What’s worse than watching a Hilary Duff movie? Try watching a Hilary Duff movie in an uncomfortable theater that’s absolutely packed with chattering, seat-kicking 12-year-old girls, along with a few significantly older patrons who could be overheard, on the way out, to say, “That was a good movie!” It’s a dispiriting experience that left me feeling slightly disappointed in human beings generally. Hell, Duff’s incessant and vapid cinematic output is actually making me nostalgic for Freddie Prinze Jr.! Think that’s hyperbole? If I had to rewatch either “Down to You” or “A Cinderella Story” a second time, it wouldn’t even be a contest.

Anyway, untalented “Cinderella Story” director Mark Rosman is at it again, this time with a yarn in which single mom Heather Locklear, who works low-paying jobs as a baker, somehow has the resources to move to a new home in a new state with her two children every single time she tires of whomever she’s dating. Seeking stability, her eldest daughter (Duff) dreams up an idiotic plan to make mom think she’s being courted by a perfect man (who doesn’t exist), so that in the meantime she won’t date losers. It never occurs to her that at some point, never meeting the guy will break mom’s heart.

In a weird bit of mixed messaging, Duff’s character is somehow attracted to a comic book geek, yet her mom’s non-fictional suitor is cruelly mocked for being working class and a Styx fan. This leads to the only decent gag in the whole film, with Styx frontman Dennis De Young appearing as an off-key De Young impersonator in a rotten tribute band.

Posted by LYT at 5:16 PM | Comments (6)

The last LAFF 2005 review: 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN

It was fitting to see this one after EARS, OPEN. EYEBALLS, CLICK.

Because this is basically a movie about Shaolin kung-fu boot camp. A trainee must go through 35 chambers, each of which feature seemingly ordinary tasks that actually enhance one's martial arts ability. Like carrying buckets of water up a steep ramp, with knife blades strapped under your arms so that if your arms fall to your sides, you get stabbed. Or striking a bell with a long bamboo stick, all the better to strengthen your wrists. The hardest one turns out to be ramming heavy swinging sacks with your head.

So that's 35 chambers. What's the 36th?

Ah, but that would be spoiling.

Remember Gordon Liu from KILL BILL? He was the bald-headed leader of the Crazy 88s in part one, and Master Pai Mei in part two. Here, he's the star, and leaves no doubt as to how he impressed Tarantino. The director, Liu Chia-Liang, is the director of a certain well-regarded Jackie Chan flick by the name of DRUNKEN MASTER II.

Undoubtedly THE KARATE KID was inspired by movies like this also, in the way it depicts banal daily tasks as potential martial arts training exercises.

There isn't a whole lot of plot: Liu's character is one of the few survivors of a purge by a tyrannical Tartar leader. Left for dead, he sneaks into a Shaolin temple, where he spends most of the movie training, and becoming a supreme ass-kicker.

The print was digitally restored, and subtitled. The producers are teh famous Shaw Brothers, also referenced in KILL BILL.

But this movie owns Tarantino's ass. And I bet Quentin would admit it, too.

We now return to your normal blog schedule.

Posted by LYT at 4:01 PM | Comments (1)

LAFF 2005: NOTORIOUS

Being of the generation I am, it is quite impossible to consider this movie without a certain Duran Duran song always popping into my head.

(My older readers are no doubt asking themselves "Which Duran Duran song?")

There's no mincing words here: NOTORIOUS is badly dated. It looks cheap, many "outdoor" scenes are quite obviously done in a studio using rear projection, the story moves slowly and there isn't really a sense of closure -- if it were remade today, there'd be a whole other act left. The central character conflict is resolved, yes, but the most odious villains are not only at large, they're still undoubtedly preparing the same evil plan they had before, which has not been thwarted yet (though perhaps we're meant to assume that it automatically will be now that one of the heroes knows about it).

Some of the stuff that has dated is amusing, though. The film begins, after an establishing trial scene, with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman downing large quantities of whiskey, then going out...for a drive! He holds his liquor well enough to remain composed; she does not. So he punches her and knocks her out.

Much later in the movie, when Bergman is supposed to be not only seriously ill, but so obviously ill that her situation cannot be mistaken for a hangover, she looks...just like Ingrid Bergman always does. Perfectly made up, merely acting a little faint. Dated.

Grant is Devlin, a government agent trying to track down Nazi war criminals in South America. Bergman is Alicia, a well-known party girl and daughter of a recently convicted German-American traitor. Playing on her patriotism, Devlin recruits Alicia to help find some of her father's old friends in Brazil. While waiting around for their official orders, they fall in love (quick work, but it happens in the movies). Then they get the instructions: she must seduce likely Nazi Alex Sebastian (Claude Rains) and make him fall in love with her so she can find out all his secrets. This puts a strain on the love thang with Devlin, but come on: who in their right mind would ultimately pick Claude Rains over Cary Grant? (Assume, for the purposes of answering that question, that Cary Grant actually does get attracted to women.)

NOTORIOUS feels really long. I kept wondering when the suspense that Hitchcock is so well-known for would kick in. Viewed through the filter of the time, I guess it is quite impressive how much sex and violence Hitch was able to imply while getting past the censors, but again I say...Dated! Only towards the end, when Alicia's life is actually in danger, do the stakes get high, and that last scene is tautly played.

I'm still waiting to be truly blown away by anything Hitchcock. Anyone have any recommendations?

Posted by LYT at 2:55 PM | Comments (19)

LAFF 2005: ON THE WATERFRONT

One of the cool things about LAFF is that I get to catch up on old movies sometimes.

It's impossible to talk about this movie nowadays without relating it to director Elia Kazan's decision to name names for Joe McCarthy's HUAC. Many see it as an apologia for his actions. There are lots of contemporary Hollywood figures who won't applaud him -- ironically, some of them have no moral problem cheering Roman Polanski's Oscar win. Libertine offenses are less problematic than right-wing ones, perhaps.

My personal view is that many creative people are sons of bitches. If you're going to dismiss any work of art made by someone who has done something you disapprove of, there are numerous examples more loathsome than Kazan. I own a CD of recordings by Charles Manson, for example.

I think Kazan should apologize to the people whose lives he ruined, especially now in retrospect that it's pretty clear to most non-delusional beings that a handful of left-wing screenwriters were not any kind of threat to American security. Kazan has not apologized. Oh well. Hey, you or I might not have stood up to McCarthy either, but I would hope we might apologize later nonetheless.

I don't see the film as a direct analogy either, though of course the director uses some of his personal experiences. I seriously doubt that Kazan thought the names he gave were of people who were morally equivalent to the mafia. Nonetheless, the movie does have a definite right-wing tilt, depicting unions as corrupt, and average working people as cowardly opportunists who only do the right thing when the church tells them to. However, it's also based on true events about actual waterfront criminals, so people may be reading too much into the whole thing. Read the IMDB trivia page for a more full accounting.

Do the politics make it bad? Not at all. It's a fictional story, not a soapbox. Marlon Brando's Tommy Malloy is a naive ex-boxer working the New York docks, but as he gets deeper and deeper into union politics, he finds that the mob have taken over, and even finds himself being used as bait to lure an uncooperative coworker into a death trap.

Unmoved by the sermons of the local priest (Karl Malden), at least at first, he starts realizing he has to take a stand when he falls in love with the dead guy's sister. Pussy is a powerful thing.

I have to say it took me a while to warm to Brando in this. Everyone else looks like a real blue-collar tough guy, and then here's this movie star-looking fella in the midst of them, playing dumb. Eventually he wore me down and I bought it.

So anyway, the plot's pretty simple. Tommy has to figure out whether he'll testify against the criminals, one of whom is his brother(Rod Steiger). Because movies of the era tended not to be too unpredictable, you can probably figure out how things end, so the real question is whether the journey to get there is worthwhile. It is. It's also surprisingly violent -- I don't remembere any other '50s movies with as much onscreen blood (all Brando's). The famous scene in the car where Brando gives his overquoted "contender" line builds great suspense, though I'm really surprised the "contender" bit is what people remember.

I was never bored while watching, and even though the general plot points are predictable, the way the final scene plays out isn't exactly expected. Nicely done.

Posted by LYT at 2:17 PM | Comments (1)

Funny new fan-made video for the TEAM AMERICA theme song

Check it out. (not work safe)

Thanks to Steve "Steve" Davy for the link.

Posted by LYT at 11:24 AM | Comments (3)

June 25, 2005

LAFF 2005: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

You don't really need me to review THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY for you, do you?

No, you don't. Rent the damn thing. It rules.

Posted by LYT at 8:33 PM | Comments (6)

Another crazy Jesus freak on Bewitched (UPDATED AT 5:40 P.M.)

[Note, please read the new addendum at the end of this post]

What some people don't realize, because it seems to strain credulity, is that the religious right condemn witchcraft because they sincerely believe it exists and is a real threat to them.

Don't just take my word for it. Rev. Tom Carder explains.

"Through all my reporting of His Word making the practice of witchcraft sinful, I have never seen in action any of the "magic" Hollywood claims witches possess. But that I have never seen witchcraft in action does not make it unreal. God condemns witchcraft so it is real. [Gal. 5:19-21, Deut. 18:10, 2Chr. 33:6, Rev. 21:8]"

Of course, when pressed, he may admit that the kind of magic you actually see in the movie is, in fact, not real. Just evil.

"And while all of the "witchcraft" in Bewitched was, of course, fantasy, a bad influence does not have to be real to influence badly. I counted 46 uses of "magic" for purposes such as to do harm, to manipulate for unfair advantage, to deceive, to grow plants, to appear and disappear, for theft, to control time, to fly and levitate, to force performance of the victim(s) and many other things such as convenience manipulations like opening and closing doors and making an umbrella appear."

The horror! Magic to make an umbrella appear? Where would society be if our children tried to imitate that particular stunt? But it gets better -- Carder actually ends his "review" with a pitch to Hollywood:

"Bring back the Father Knows Best TV series. What a challenge! Use modern thespians to make a TV series with the values and ethics of 1950s with the father as the head of the house. If I were a betting man I would bet that it can't be done: that filmmakers are not that good anymore."

And if you think this guy hasn't been delusional so far, how about this little bit of self-description:

"We will not situationally redefine, conditionally apply or counterfeit the Word of God to suit social or cultural ethics. As it was for Dr. Martin Luther 600 years ago, my conscience is captive by the Word of God."

Wait, wasn't Martin Luther situationally redefining the Word of God relative to the culture of his era? I bet the Pope at the time thought so...

ADDENDUM: Those regular readers of mine who are Christian and not insane need not convince me that Rev. Carder is not a great spokesperson for the faith. But it would be nice if Rev. Carder could be convinced of that. Here is his amusingly obtuse all-purpose response to such notions.

Posted by LYT at 9:41 AM | Comments (18)

Next time you want my job...

...think about me getting up early on a Saturday morning, driving across town in work-zone congested traffic for about 45 minutes, finding a parking lot, paying cash upfront, and then having to sit through a movie in which Martin Lawrence plays a basketball coach saddled with a losing team of mostly white kids. And not just sit through, but sit through attentively.

Probably with no breakfast (for me, not Martin).

I'm not wishing I didn't have this job, mind. Simply pointing out the aspects you may not think about.

Posted by LYT at 2:45 AM | Comments (4)

June 24, 2005

I knew this was coming...

Recommended film review: Movieguide's take on Bewitched.

Posted by LYT at 5:33 PM | Comments (1)

Quote of the day

From one of Marc Cooper's readers:

"If you right-wingers actually believe that there's a huge liberal conspiracy out there, at least concede that, given the course America has taken, it's the shittiest conspiracy ever."

Posted by LYT at 5:29 PM | Comments (1)

LAFF 2005: HAPPY ENDINGS plus Julia Sweeney

I enjoyed HAPPY ENDINGS, despite the fact that it uses several narrative devices I hope never to see in indie movies again for some time.

One, the plot, in which different groups of people have their lives all connect at various intervals while following their own individual arcs (think LOVE ACTUALLY but American and more polysexual).

Two, the intro, in which something really dramatic and sudden happens, then there's a freeze frame, and a narrator (here a silent one represented by text only, but still) makes some kind of witty comment like "That certainly was a bad day! But let's start at the beginning..." Then the movie really begins, and the scene you've just witnessed reoccurs again at the climax of the film.

So, in this case, the movie opens with Lisa Kudrow being hit by a car. There's a freeze frame. Then half the screen goes black, and a caption appears saying "She isn't dead," then "No-one dies in this movie, at least onscreen. It's a comedy, sort of."

This device reoccurs throughout the film, and is more tasteful and amusing than a voice-over would be. But it's still the equivalent, and thus a cliche.

The center of the story is the relationship between Kudrow and Steve Coogan, playing her stepbrother, with whom she got pregnant once, but "He's gay now. Who isn't?" It took me forever to recognize Coogan due to his shorter hair and less broad performance than normal.

But both Kudrow's character and Coogan's have separate stories going on. She's being blackmailed by an unscrupulous young filmmaker who claims to know the identity of the baby she abandoned years ago.

Coogan, meanwhiel, is convinced that the infant son of his boyfriend's favorite lesbian couple is actually his boyfriend's son. The guy had donated sperm to the couple once, but they rejected it and said it was no good, then apparently went to a sperm back and had the baby. Were they lying? This consumes Coogan.

Then there's another whole strand about Maggie Gyllenhaal being a gold-digger who seduces Tom Arnold's gay son and then tries to marry Tom (obviously there would have to be money involved!). She's the closest thing to an antagonist figure the movie has, but you can't hate her, because she's just so adorable and has sex a lot. You'd pay big money to bone her too.

The movie's less acerbic than director Don Roos' debut film THE OPPOSITE OF SEX, and I didn't see BOUNCE, starring Benyneth (it's the rule to amalgamate the names of celebrity couples, don'cha know -- remember Ben and Gwyneth?). Anyway, BOUNCE most likely sucked, because every movie starring Ben Affleck pretty much does. But Lisa Kudrow and Don Roos are a perfect match -- his dialogue and her delivery complement each other nicely, and she trusts him enough to do a brief nip-slip, if that's your thang.

By the way, if I may go off on an Affleck tangent while my friend Brian silently fumes because I'm being mean about one of his favorite actors, there's a popular misconception that GIGLI was hated because people were sick of Ben and J-Ho being in the public eye. This is false. People hated GIGLI because it was an extraordinarily misguided mess. If Ben and Jen had made a good movie, no-one would care that they were overexposed. Just like how WAR OF THE WORLDS will probably do great even though Tom Cruise is being completely insane.

So anyway, HAPPY ENDINGS is okay. I wouldn't pay $10 to see it, but maybe $5 on DVD.

Then last night, as part of the film fest, I thought I was going to go see a Julia Sweeney movie, but no, it was the actual Julia Sweeney live and in person doing a one-woman show called LETTING GO OF GOD, about how she went from being Catholic to being a self-described "naturist" (and a parentally described "atheist), while examining all her options in between. She actually read all the Bible and all the other major religious books too -- you'll get more of the jokes if you have a working knowledge of the main Bible stories. I'm sort of on a similar journey as she, but haven't come to the same conclusion (that there is definitely no God), or any definite conclusion, come to that. I do agree with her criticisms of the major faiths. Just hearing her matter-of-factly try to wrap her head around the stories in the Book of Mormon is worth the price of admission. And I say that as if I actually paid admission, though in fact I did not.

It's all amusing stuff, not as heavy as her show about having cancer. And it's augmented with slides and movies. It was at times a bit like listening to a more mellow version of Amy Alkon without ADD. I think she's trying to get it made into a movie. I hope she does.

There was a party aftewrards where I could have talked to her, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I would like to know if she regrets being best known for that hideous "Pat" character on SNL, but thought that if she does, bringing it up would be mean.

The open bar had more than just beer and vodka. Yay. I drink to try to forget the Homo Hobo.

Posted by LYT at 4:17 PM | Comments (7)

Tagged again...and excuses

Well, looks like a new thing has been started up, this time by Maia "Cecile DuBois" Lazar...since I could use a break from writing about LAFF and gayness, I answer the tag. Or will try to.

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

-Ignore -- until it was almost too late -- the worst stomach pain I've ever had in my life, thinking I could stick it out while my appendix died.

-Drunk beer and smoked pot at the same time before I had a tolerance for either, leading to a near-death experience [don't ask...really...I'm sick of telling this story]

-Told my dad that I wished another person was my father. That other person, it turns out, was having an affair with my mom (I didn't know that). If I ever see him again in my life (unlikely), it will take a lot of restraint to keep from hitting him. Hard.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Answering this honestly might give someone a big head. Let's just say it's probably one of the following:

-My major editors, Erich Burnett and Andy Klein, who control my work assignments.

-The principal director friends I have worked with and am working with still: Gregory Hatanaka, Lucky McKee, and Paul Hough. This is not to dismiss Angela and Kevin; I just haven't worked with them as much.

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?

I've answered this one before in other forms, so my answer may be familiar to some readers. 1 - Osama Bin Laden, because then his whereabouts would not be in doubt; 2 - Jesus Christ, so he could separate fact from fiction once and for all (assuming he could speak English, which is unlikely, but so is a time machine); 3 - Mark Twain, who would probably be a funny drunk; 4 - Some hot actress who wants me (I could probably find one if I had a time machine); 5 - someone from the future, to give me advance knowledge I could profit with.

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

- That the world's heads of state would realize that we really need to get our shit together if this planet is to survive, and act in cooperation.
- A bunch of money.
- I really, really would like to find an attractive woman who actually sees my good qualities and appreciates them as more than a friend.

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

- I regret not having a Wal-Mart, even though every other frickin' town in America does. I also regret not having a legal and affordable brothel

- People should avoid any place here that they've heard name-checked in a rap song.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

The biggest one was probably when I left my mother in Ireland and moved to the U.S. in spring 1989. I think she's still of the opinion that I made a mistake, but I know that I would have done something drastic, probably for the worse, had I stayed in Ireland. Being back in America was a change, but one I quickly acclimated to. I belong here.

[addendum] People often remark, in reference to my hair, that I'm not exactly "Mr. Patriotic," meaning, of course, that I'm not conservative. What I've just told you about one of the key decisions of my life should put that to rest. I know what it's like to want to live here and not be able to do so. Which is why, while I have infinite patience and affinity for those who criticize our government, I have very little for those who trash the country itself. Being patriotic to me means not being in denial about what this country is, which is -- essentially -- a big, beautiful mess. Even with right wing governmental control, we are still not, and never will be, a nation of button-down straight-arrow Christian Conservatives. We like our porn and beer and rock 'n' roll way too much, and that's part of what I love.

7. Tag 5 people.

Well, I know from experience that Dave White isn't going to answer, which is too bad. sooo, let's see....

I tag David Ehrenstein, David Scott, R. Pete Peterson, Martin Devon, and Steve "Smythe" Smith.

I know at least one of those people will follow suit.

Posted by LYT at 1:03 AM | Comments (1)

June 23, 2005

Ah'm a fag! Heeh heeh heeh!

Last night, it turned out there were no interesting screenings, so after the LAFF porch party, I swung by the dying embers of the Press Club gathering.

I was upbeat. My doctor gave me a clean bill of health. Liver fine, dick un-rashy. Time to get drunk and fuck.

As everyone left, I went downstairs with my friend S, and her friend F, both of whom were not ready to end the evening. F mentioned that she used to date the guy who owned the place, I think.

(just for the record here: S is an older woman who has never been an option in "that way" for various reasons, but is a good friend; F was not unattractive except for her smoking, which is a huge turn-off for me]

F immediately starts talking to a guy at the bar like she knows him. She doesn't, but he's delighted to have found a friendly person, though not in "that way" either -- he was very clearly gay. Big black guy in good physical shape, hair straightened back in a ponytail-type shape (but not actually tied).

I think his name was Michael, but I am going to refer to him from here on out as the Hobo Homo. Because he was homeless, and because I don't feel kindly disposed towards him in the cold hard light of day. But we'll get to that. I should note that he wasn't dirty or bad smelling or homeless in any blatantly obvious way. I only know because he told me.

So S and I order food, and F gets tequila shots for all of us except S, who is to drive. F is drinking amounts that would fuck me up at this point, and she keeps getting up to dance with HH, and insisting he kiss her on the lips, which he does, but he keeps expressing that he'd rather get with me than her. This doesn't bother me, yet.

When we're done, and pay the bill, and I fix a math error in the bill, everyone goes to the restroom and says we'll meet outside. HH keeps trying to talk to me while pissing, and pisses on the floor every time he turns to me. May be hoping I'll be aroused by his large cock. I'm not.

I go outside. No-one there. HH joins me shortly. We wait. HH insists we've been ditched. This is incomprehensible to me based on what I know of S. But we go inside, and HH even checks the ladies' room. The women have gone.

And now the Hobo Homo wants to party with me.

What's fucked up about this is that F made a bunch of promises to him, and told him he could come home with her. I doubt there'd have been sex, but he was clearly looking forward to having someplace to go for the night, and now it was gone. So he was gonna do his damnedest to get it out of me.

I'm not a dick most of the time, and I didn't really have anything against him, and felt he had been screwed over. He also was not gonna go away. So I offered him a ride to wherever he needed to go. He wouldn't tell me where, but said he'd show me. Then he said he wanted me to go score some crack with him. Then he begged me to let him suck my dick.

These requests would be repeated several times. Finally, he decided he wanted to be dropped off at a liquor store, to spend the $6 F had given him before blowing him off. He asked me to wait for him.

I seriously thought about driving away. But it did occur to me that maybe just one person tonight should keep his word. I told him I would wait, but needed to drop him off somewhere afterward.

"I wanna go to the crack places" he said
"Well, tell me where that is"
"Not far"

He seemed to realize at this point that getting me to go gay would not happen, and gave up. He asked to be dropped off at the nearby bus stop, so I did.

But before he'd get out of the car, he puckered up his lips. Fine, I thought, if this is the last of it. So I gave him a quick kiss.

Somehow I have less of a problem with fake same sex kisses than straight ones, maybe because there's no chance of emotional attachment. So when he wanted one more, okay, I did it. Then he got out of the car and I left. There was no tongue involved, just to be clear.

It was only after that it bothered me. Well, being left with him in the first place bothered me. But then I thoguht about all the diseases he might have had, the fact that my lips were chapped and cracked and maybe subject to infection, etc.

And that's the story of my first same-sex kiss. I hope I will not accumulate any more outside of an acting role.

(S later emailed, said she thought we had left. I guess she came out of her bathroom first.)

Posted by LYT at 5:18 PM | Comments (6)

Non-LAFF review: RIZE

Forget Mad Hot Ballroom. The real dance documentary hit of the summer is more likely to be Rize. After all, which do you think the kids are going to find more appealing: Formal steps that require suits, partners, and schoolteachers; or shaking the booty and slamming into fellow dancers while sporting war paint or clown makeup?

Well, duh. One of the dancers in Rize says to the camera, in all seriousness: "This is not a trend." Not to him, perhaps. But just wait till the executives at MTV and the suits at major advertising agencies get a look at the movie. You can bet your buns it'll become a trend.

Read the whole thing

Posted by LYT at 2:30 PM | Comments (1)

LAFF 2005: EARS, OPEN. EYEBALLS, CLICK. [updated]

You know how you can't always tell from reading a review whether you're going to like the film or not?

Not the case here.

EARS, OPEN. EYEBALLS, CLICK. is, plain and simple, a documentary about U.S. Marines boot camp. There is no narration, and no conspicuous director (Canaan Brumley is his name, however). There aren't even really any characters per se; one guy stands out who tries to take charge but then gets gradually worn down, but the movie doesn't dwell on him or anyone else. This is just footage of boot camp, presented without judgment. If that's interesting to you, you will like this movie. If not, you won't.

If you want all the fun of a gruelling workout without actually having to exercise, you get that too.

I was fascinated. I can't ever recall finding a movie without distinct characters so compelling. But then, I guess the base itself IS the character.

Update:

PLEASE READ THIS NEXT SENTENCE CAREFULLY: Those of you in comments asking how to get a copy of this movie need to go to the OFFICIAL WEBSITE, http://www.canaanbrumley.com.

I'm just a reviewer, and not affiliated with the film in any way, nor do I know Canaan Brumley or how to contact him.

Posted by LYT at 8:43 AM | Comments (22)

June 21, 2005

LAFF 2005: LA SIERRA and KAMIKAZE GIRLS

LA SIERRA is a documentary shot on DV over the cours of a year in the barrios of Medellin, Colombia, where neighborhoods are run by paramilitary groups and militias who feud with each other. Why do they kill each other? It isn't clear, except that one person killed another a long time back, and a cycle of revenge has continued. Also, if a rival force were to take over another neighborhood, they might force the residents to relocate. All the militias are opposed by government forces.

What we see is very similar to the stereotype of South Central L.A. and the American inner city. Young men, knowing they probably won't live long, get their guns in order to impress the ladies so they can have plenty of sex, and end up fathering multiple kids with many baby mamas, and leaving behind multiple orphans. The geography is very different -- Colombia's mountains are not like the streets of Watts -- but otherwise, the story is depressingly similar.

As for the movie, I would have liked a little more context, perhaps even an official government POV. As is, we learn very little about any root causes or why we're seeing what we're seeing. But it is certainly memorable.

A colleague told me that I should not go and see KAMIKAZE GIRLS, which he hated. "They're Japanese pop stars!" he said, disgustedly. "It's like seeing a movie with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera." Little did he know he was talking to the one unabashed fan of CROSSROADS in the hizzouse. I dig some of the pop tarts, except for Hilary Duff, who sucks (and not in the good way).

Like some of the movies of Guy Ritchie, David Fincher, Danny Boyle, and even Quentin Tarantino, KAMIKAZE GIRLS features a wild blend of styles, with all sorts of insane zooms, animated inserts, and so on. It's the kind of movie in which a character will narrate something, and the objects or people being talked about will just pop into view; or where someone can wonder aloud what they should do, and the camera zooms all the way across town until it's right up in the face of a complete stranger, who naturally enough has some spontaneous and relevant words of wisdom. It's weird and colorful in that uniquely Japanese way of being insane and weird.

The movie is a female bonding flick about a girly-girl and a biker chick. Momoko wishes she was born in Rococo-era France, and loves to dress in Little Bo Peep type outfits. Buying these clothes is the highlight of her life, and she doesn't care about anyone else.

But then, while trying to unload some old counterfeit merchandies made by her no-good dad, she encounters Ichiko, a "Yanki" (this doesn't mean pro-American, but rather an aggressive right winger wearing a mix of formal wear and biker chic) on an elaborate bike. Ichiko is a younger version of the type of character Gina Gershon usually plays.

Together the two form a friendship, and eventually solve one another's problems. The style of the film is very cool and imaginative, and it's a lot of fun to look at, which is enough for me to recommend it. It is a shame, though, that there's very little actual plot -- if the story were as adrenalized as the camera movements and sudden freeze frames, it'd be truly mind-blowing.

Director Shimotsuma Monogatari might just be someone to watch... And yes, the ladies are as fun as Britney, but don't sing as well or flaunt their cleavage as much.

(KAMIKAZE GIRLS will open in select cities later this fall)

Posted by LYT at 12:25 AM | Comments (3)

June 20, 2005

Backtagged

Okay, the movie survey thing came back at me as a music survey. I suspect this may be more revealing than the last one...

1. The total number of CDs/Songs I own: I would guess anywhere from 800-1000 CDs, most of which were accumulated when I worked at KSCR, USC's pirate radio station.

2. The last CD/Song I bought: You're gonna love this. "You Can't See Me" by John Cena and Tha Trademarc. A rap album put out by the current (and very WHITE) WWE heavyweight champion. It's not bad, and by early '90s rap standards would have to be considered pretty good. But Eminem has nothing to fear vis-a-vis white rapper competition. The best line so far "Y'all short suckers, like a knee-high ho."

3. The last concert I saw: It was supposed to be System of a Down, but appendicitis put paid to that.

So in fact the last conert I saw was Poperratic at the Derby. Given that two of the band members were no more come showtime, it was quite the impressive performance. Plus all my good friends were there.

Last song I listened to: It was probably one on the car radio. The last recent song I liked to hit radio was the Transplants' "Gangsters and Thugs." I still adore their debut CD and can't wait for the second one due out this week.

4. Five Songs or Albums that mean a lot to me, in no particular order:

-Y Kant Tori Read, by Tori Amos. Her out-of-print first album, that's essentially Tori doing Pat Benetar. I only have this on tape, form an LP at KSCR that I was too high-minded to steal. It's really good, and I wsih she'd put it out formally. Guns N Roses drummer Matt Sorum was part of her band.

-The CD Jaye Barnes Luckett made me that includes music from THE WOODS as well as some other genius songs. No formal name for this disc, I don't think, but if you're on myspace, you can hear at least one of the Woods numbers on "dizmix"'s profile page. Anyway, this CD reminds me of the time spent in Montreal on the movie set, which is one of the greatest trips I've ever taken in my life, and is likely to remain so.

-Psychotica, "Psychotica." This band began with a bang, playing Lollapapalooza right after their first disc. Then they got dropped from their label, made a good second disc that hardly anyone heard, and a third disc that never came out. The first album is now out of print, but good Lord, it's wonderful.

-Red Box, "The Circle and the Square." Another out-of-print number, never released on CD. I own the vinyl version. Technopop duo with strange world music influences, like Erasure-meets-Deep Forest.

-Alice in Chains, "Dirt." The greatest rock album ever.

Honorable mentions: "Appetite for Destruction" Guns N Roses, "The Wrestling Album" WWF stars of the '80s, "Automatic for the People" R.E.M., the first half of "Incesticide" Nirvana, "The Marshall Mathers LP" Eminem, "To the Extreme" Vanilla Ice, "Little Earthquakes" Tori Amos, "Pure Guava" Ween, "Metallica" Metallica (though it's been so overplayed I can barely stand it), "Mechanical Animals" marilyn Manson, "Broken" NIN...there are more...

Tag other people:

Welll, I dunno...anyone who wants to, please consider yourself tagged. Jaye has done so already.

Posted by LYT at 2:14 AM | Comments (6)

June 19, 2005

LAFF 2005: R-POINT

The title really doesn't sell it at all. This is Korea's biggest-grossing horror film of last year, a ghost story set during the Vietnam War.

Right off the bat, there's one seeming anachronism. In 1972, a package is received via DHL that features the very same DHL logo of today. I suppose it's possible that their logo never changed, but it's very contemporary looking.

The tone is set very nicely in the beginning, as spooky transmissions come into HQ from a unit in which everyone is apparently dying. This unit disappeared months ago, and the only survivor, completely cloaked in bandages, swears that he was in that unit, and all the men are dead.

Flash back in time, as a unit is recruited to go to the rectricted areea of R-Point to find a missing battallion. At first, it seems as though they're seeking the missing men mentioned in the film's opening, but it soon becomes clear that they ARE the missing unit, and are therefore more or less fucked. Especially when one of them pisses on a grave.

The area is cursed, having once been a lake in which the Chinese drowned large numbers of Vietnamese, then paved the lake over and built a temple. Viet Cong don't come here.

(anachronism #2 - the temple has some rather contemporary looking graffiti on the walls, which is mostly not noticeable until the final scene)

R-POINT screens again tonight at the Sunset 5, 9:45 p.m.
An American unit shows up to bet that the men won't last five days. From there on, the days are counted down on screen, much like in SESSION 9. Day 5 is of course when most of the scary shit goes down.

There's a great plot twist involving the first man in the unit to die [SPOILER WARNING FOR THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE and PARAGRAPH] --after he hangs himself, the sergeant calls it in and is chastised for being insane -- that man was never part of the unit, but rather one of the missing men they were supposed to look for. Soon the men realize that they never saw him before setting foot on the beach.

After that, though, the movie does take a while to get to the point. And the mysterious apparition of a woman in white isn't all that scary until her last appearance.

The climax is worth the wait. But you may find yourself checking your watch a few times during the lengthy lead-up.

Posted by LYT at 6:44 PM | Comments (1)

LAFF 2005: THE APE

You know James Franco as Harry Osborn, son of the Green Goblin, in the Spider-Man movies. So as not to confuse the issue, the character he plays in his directorial debut is also named Harry.

Franco introduced the film. I was in the front row (big surprise) and noted that he’s quite tall. Also he seemed totally stoned.

He’s the cowriter of THE APE as well as director and star, and his biggest casting coup was to score an actual chimp to hold up pieces of cardboard as the opening credits. The chimp reappears between scenes as Dostoevsky quotes appear onscreen.

When I reviewed the Christian-Bale-is-really-fuckin’-skinny thriller THE MACHINIST, a reader wrote in angry about the pathetic standard of film critic hired these days, because I referred to some Rob Zombie visual cues but neglected to mention the debt the film owed to Dostoevsky. There was a reason for that -- the film itself references Dostoevsky so obviously (by showing a large Dostoevsky book onscreen, among other things), that I thought it went without saying.

Just so that I don’t neglect anyone’s needs here, let me just say that the large framed photo of Dostoevsky that adorns the wall of the apartment rented by Franco-as-Harry, along with the Dostoevsky quotes and Dostoevsky-esque story are clearly inspired by the works of Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky. Subtlety is a trait Franco the actor has, but not one he has any conception of as a director.

The story is this: Harry is a frustrated office drone at the phone company, but plans on writing a masterful novel. There are too many distractions at home, so he moves into a large New York apartment, one that such a character could not feasibly afford in any kind of realistic scenario. The downside of the apartment, though, is that it comes with a room-mate, who happens to be a large, talking, clothes-wearing gorilla. And yes, he flings turds at Harry their first night together. Harry initially detests the Ape (Brian Lally), but eventually bonds with it and starts acting a little ape-like himself. It’s a good set-up.

The movie is based on a play, and it shows; all the characters do is talk, talk, talk, mostly in stagey fashion. Only the actress who plays his ball-busting boss (not sure of her character name, so I can’t place the actress just now) seems to bring any movie-style energy into her scenes with Franco. And there’s a long cafeteria scene with one of Harry’s coworkers bitching to another that we’ve never seen before. At first I wasn’t even sure who the characters were, and once I knew, I wondered why the scene was there -- it adds no information to the plot at all, and sets up characters who then do nothing else.

As for the Ape, you get that it’s allegorical, right? Just in case you don’t, everything is explained before the movie’s over. Honestly, I wrote a better, similar play in high school, and I hadn’t even read Dostoevsky -- Franco appears to be following a drama class assignment to write something in the style of big D. A class assignment is what it should have stayed. This isn’t much of a movie, alas.

But if you insist on seeing for yourself, it screens again on Monday at 4:30 p.m. at the Sunset 5.

Posted by LYT at 2:27 AM | Comments (1)

June 18, 2005

Update rumor on Thursday's mystery screening

Now the word is it's the Japanese horror movie "Pulse."

This is from a more reliable source than my conjecture of UNDEAD.

No guarantees, but it's what I'm hearing.

Posted by LYT at 9:24 PM | Comments (0)

LAFF 2005: Rumors about Thrusday's Secret Screening

I can't go, being press and all, and therefore clearly unable to keep a secret.

But it's been pretty much confirmed that it's a horror movie, most likely an international one.

My best guess would be the Australian zombie movie UNDEAD. But that's conjecture.

What I know for sure is that before THE ROOST, we were told that it was the sort of movie "this audience" will love.

Thursday, 10:15, at the DGA.

Posted by LYT at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)

LAFF 2005: THE ROOST

One always has to be careful when recommending low-budget horror. There can be quite a danger, call it Blair Witch syndrome, that when a critic praises something that’s creatively done with little money, horror fans will flock to it and say “That was fuckin’ lame! How come we never got to see the witch?”

So, to begin with a caveat: THE ROOST is indeed low budget, and the vast majority of its scares are achieved with sound and cutaways. It also drags in places -- this slowness is deliberate, but for my taste it could stand to be tightened up a bit.

That, and it's not about killer roosters, which is a bit of a disappointment. Someone needs to make a killer rooster flick.

But what's best about THE ROOST is its imagination -- there are some very creative turns and things I honestly did not expect. Can anyone say that about, for instance, BOOGEYMAN, or THE AMITYVILLE HORROR remake?

Writer-director Ti West set out to make this as a tribute to the ‘80s slasher films he would watch on video late at night when he was younger (according to imdb, he’s 24 now). As such, the film is not only shot, lit, and styled like an ‘80s film that’s degraded a bit on VHS, but there’s also a framing device, a TV horror host on “Channel 13” who introduces the film on a cheesy haunted house set (actually a carnival ghost train ride at Rehoboth Beach in Delaware -- I’ve been there!). The host is played by Tom Noonan, which is a nice casting coup. Though more restrained than, say, the Crypt Keeper, he does make the usual bad puns.

Not content to pay tribute just to local TV horror host clichés and ‘80s slashers, West also creates an old-style radio drama that plays in the background during any scene involving a car radio (West himself does one of the voices on this show).

The movie’s story is pretty simple -- four youngsters en route to a wedding in the middle of the night decide to take a short-cut, wreck the car, and discover a barn full of killer bats. I did find myself wondering how a feature could be sustained by four people being killed by bats, but midway through there’s a surprising development that kicks things up a notch, and one that totally threw me. No doubt many people who write about the movie will give it away, but not me. If you want to be truly surprised, and you should, avoid too many other reviews on the subject.

The actors are mostly newcomers -- I’d say the most potential breakout among the leads is Vanessa Horneff, who has the sullen charm of Scarlett Johansson with a little Heather Donahue (BLAIR WITCH - whatever happened to her?) thrown in.

The movie is produced by Larry Fessenden, the art-house horrormeister who directed WENDIGO and HABIT. Though his movies have never quite caught on in a huge way, he’s steadily carving out his own niche, and funding low-budget projects like this one along the way. His influence, even subconsciously, is here -- at times, THE ROOST feels very much like one of Fessenden’s more leisurely paced, less direct horror style, while at others it’s more conventional (during one scene that’s especially slow-paced, Noonan’s host interrupts, complains, and literally rewinds the movie so that the scene can be done over. This is achieved much more effectively than a similar scene in the BEWITCHED movie). Certainly the score is very old-school -- composer Jeff Grace deserves credit for at least 50% of the scares, with his skittery, jumpy music that adds stings to moments obvious and not-so-obvious.

As for the bats -- well done. I figured they had to be CGI because I couldn’t imagine that West had the money to make practical bats that do what these ones do, and I was right, but they don’t look CG at all.

Noonan returns at the very end with a surprise, followed by end credits that even follow the ‘80s formula of having a cheesy would-be hit single play over them. Sit through the credits, there’s more after.

West joked after the screening that he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to make another movie. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb to say that, provided he wants to make another one, he isn’t going to be stopped.

THE ROOST screens again at the Sunset 5 on Wednesday night at 9:30 p.m. Be there.

Posted by LYT at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)

Happy birthday to Adam!

Big brother is watching you.

Posted by LYT at 1:46 AM | Comments (0)

June 17, 2005

LAFF 2005 - the blogging begins

In which I get a festival pass in exchange for telling you guys about all the stuff I do and see.

It's been a bumpy start, but I think the festival will get good. Actually obtaining a pass this year was a lot tougher than usual, not so much because they don't like me, but because, well, I dunno. For whatever reason, most likely technical, the publicity machine has not been quite as well oiled as usual. It took me three consecutive days of showing up at the offices to get a pass made, and then I got lectured for "being rude."

My response: "Did I sound rude?"

"That's what I've been hearing."

What does that mean?

Hey, I didn't call anyone names, or make any demands, or even raise my voice. If that's considered rude, steer WAAAAY clear of Kevin Thomas from the L.A. Times. I generally go out of my way not to be rude to underlings, but masking obvious frustration is not always easy.

Anyway, the same publicist was totally charming later. I guess it's a job requirement to have those dual sides. And once everyone realized that I wasn't some schmuck but an actual critic (having to prove this to different people year after year frustrates me sometimes, rightly or wrongly), all was cool and I got a cocktail party invite.

The weird thing about the cocktail party was that it was supposed to be a place where you meet filmmakers and talk to them, but some of the people working it didn't seem to want us to talk to the same person for too long, so you'd be interrupted while talking to one person so that another could show up.

Anyway, I hung out with a Mexican journalist named Santa Maria who actually turned out to be married to an acquaintance of mine.

The director I most enjoyed talking to was Ti West, director of the buzzed-about horror film ROOST, which I'm seeing late tonight (11:30 p.m., Sunset 5, replaying Wed. at 9:30 p.m.). He's a really thin, young-looking guy who seems to have all the right influences. I'm excited to see his movie.

I also got to meet Tal Sharon, codirestor of a short doc called "Cheeks", about a New Jersey family dealing with paranoid schizophrenia. That one screens as part of a shorts program, Sunset 5, tomorrow at 12:30p.m. and next Sunday at the same time.

And then there was a bubbly young woman named Margarita Martinez, who codirected LA SIERRA, a documentary feature about a year in the life of a small Colombian neighborhood ruled by paramilitary types. That's tomorrow at noon, Sunday at 9:45 p.m.

My favorite bartender Chris was stunned that I'm not drinking at the moment. "Without you, we'll have a lot of booze left over!" But as a plus for non-drinkers, there's unlimited free ice cream this year. It's Haagen dasz light, available in Dulce de Lece or Chocolate Cherry. I dumped mine into a cup of Coca Cola. Before the week is through, I intend to try an alcoholic version of that at least once. Plus there's a new peach flavor of Absolut which cries out to my taste buds to sample.

But I must be moderate. And make sure I don't have hepatitis.

I left before the free food, to dine with a charming and beautiful woman whom I hope to see again soon. Our time was short, and now I'm back here posting, preparing to go see ROOST. Review tomorrow, I hope.

Oh, the gift bag from the cocktail party was a heavy mofo, full of stuff I will never use. Let's enumerate the contents, shall we?

-A white handbag by Nine West, sticker price $79. Contains a built in mirror, coin purse, and key fob with dice, fake pearl (I assume fake, anyway -- could be real), horseshoe and heart charm keychain.

-A three-pack of Pop Secret microwave popcorn, real butter flavor (I hate butter).

-A tin of Tazo Earl Grey tea.

-Sonya Dakar Aromasol Mist.

-Soundtrack CD from the Michael Winterbottom movie "Code 46" by the band Free Association.

-"Bruno's Stinky Butts Spritz" for dogs. "For the dog who plays hard and smells bad."

-Trident white cinnamon gum

-Cherry Altoid chewing gum

-Momints cinnamon liquid mints (there are ALWAYS breath mints)

-$1000 coupon off LASIK eye surgery ($500 per eye) from the Laser Eye Center of Silicon Valley (any of my readers need this?)

-Coupon for free 90-minute treatment of "Procede," described as "a revolutionary new cosmetic treatment specifically designed to volumize, strengthen, and thicken hair" at Giuseppe Franco Salon of Beverly Hills.

-Tarte glistening powder

-IFC mousepad

-Women's spaghetti-strap top, size 3, in army green color, from Italian designer Adea.

-Single-size samples of PureStrength shampoo, strengthener, and conditioner.

Not exactly a male-oriented bag. Now I just need a female who likes this stuff, but won't care if I can never afford to get it for her again.

Posted by LYT at 9:43 PM | Comments (7)

June 16, 2005

Vader's Day (Updated)

Free posters are available in theaters this Fri.-Sun. to people who go see Star Wars again.

Not just any old posters, either. Special ones made just for this father's day weekend...

I'm sold. But then, given my first name, it's kind of inevitable...

UPDATE: I just got the poster, and it's smaller than I thought. It's as wide as an issue of CityBeat, and slightly taller. Also they'll give them to you at the Arclight if you just ask for one - no purchase required.

Posted by LYT at 11:28 PM | Comments (4)

Bad news for Bad News?

Hey, you know that movie THE BAD NEWS BEARS that's supposedly coming out in a couple of weeks?

They shot a new scene for it directly outside my place of residence today.

Does this mean trouble for the movie? I don't know. I do know that Nectar Rose, who plays Billy Bob Thornton's girlfriend, seemed to be done with her part back when we were making ROMAN (shortly before my hospitalization).

But I imagine that if they're shooting a new scene at this late date, it must be essential (from somebody's point of view). So while I don't know which actors were in it, if there's a yard sale scene in the movie, the building in the shot is the building in which I reside.

Posted by LYT at 10:26 PM | Comments (1)

New Trailer Trash column, at last

I nearly got fired from this gig for not turning in anything while being sick.

But I'm not through yet. Here's the newest.

Posted by LYT at 12:55 PM | Comments (1)

June 14, 2005

BATMAN BEGINS

After reading Aint It Cool News reports on this move for years, it is with heavy heart that I must report to you that Commissioner Gordon does not have a beer. Nor is there a scene in which he "cheets" on his wife.

(if this reference is lost on you, never mind. Move along.)

Other than that...not much to disappoint, really. Well, except maybe this: I wanted two things from a new, "faithful" Batman movie -- he shouldn't kill anyone, and he shouldn't reveal his identity to whomever the female lead is.

One out of two.

Christian Bale takes on the role of Bruce Wayne this time...oh, wait, no, actually he takes on the role of Batman. Previous actors have taken on the role of Bruce Wayne. Does everyone here understand the difference?

This is the first movie since the Adam West TV show to understand that Bruce Wayne is the facade, and Batman is the real person. Michael Keaton was always just wanting to be Bruce with a normal life. Val Kilmer sorta was. George Clooney wasn't really acting at all, so it was impossible to tell. But Adam West was always Batman first and foremost, and so is Christian Bale.

Screenwriter David Goyer has been responsible for some hack-ass dialogue in the Blade movies, but here he's better. The only thing that stands out as being a tad gratuitous in the script is the relentless way he ensures that the audience will understand the film's theme of FEAR.

"To conquer fear, you must become fear"
"They attacked you because they were afraid of you"
"I will become fear, and bring hope to the fearful"
"Face your deepest fear"

There's a lot more of this kind of talk. Lo and behold, one of the villains just so happens to use FEAR as a weapon. Well, actually, since one is working for the other, technically they're both using it. Convenient, eh?

So anyway, the movie initially goes along with the comic book origin story, in which Bruce Wayne trains with ninjas in the far East. Since recurring Bat-villain Ra's al Ghul (first name pronounced "Rozz" here, though it was "Raysh" in the animated series) has a background that also involves the far East and ninjas, Goyer and director Christopher Nolan have tied the two together, which isn't a bad idea, though they've totally eliminated the rather crucial character of Ra's's daughter Talia. She's not ruled out, necessarily, but it's unlikely the film-makers will reuse any major villains with so many to pick from, so no Talia. The irony is that Talia would actually work for Hollywood, because she's the one love interest that actually does know Batman's secret identity, due to her father knowing.

Now, in the comic, Ra's simply figures out Bruce's alter ego using logic -- OF COURSE Batman has to be the richest guy in town, because he owns so much cool stuff! This, however, would fly in the face of Nolan and Goyer's elaborate machinations to ensure that Bruce covers his paper trail, so this time Ra's knows because, well, he's integral to Bruce's training in the first place. As the trainer, he's also fully capable of kicking Batman's ass, which is a refreshing change...Penguin and Joker were hardly physical threats.

There's a silly bit of deception involving Ra's that seems to have been inserted solely to give him a gratuitous parallel to Bruce, and what's especially silly is that it won't fool anyone familiar with the character, or even anyone who's seen the DC Direct comic book action figure and knows what Ra's looks like.

The movie hedges when it comes to Ra's's capability to become immortal -- Nolan is determined to keep it rrrreeal, and maybe goes too far in that direction. It's good that Gotham looks like a real city, but does it have to be so modern? When we see Batman standing on a rooftop high above the city, it doesn't look quite right because there are no gargoyles. None. Nothing looks old or Gothic. This shouldn't be Metropolis, folks.

And if the city is to be totally realistic, let's talk about urban planning. The insane asylum is located on a prime piece of real estate -- an island in the city's main harbor. What else is on that same island? Oh, nothing. Just the entirety of Gotham's slums, lifted from the set of BLADE RUNNER. There's a reason, plot-wise, for this piss-poor piece of urban renewal -- it creates third-act drama -- but it strains credulity.

Nolan likes to play around with timelines, as can be seen in his generally well-liked films FOLLOWING and MEMENTO (less so in his live-action "Frogger" adaptation INSOMNIA), so he spends the whole first half of the movie going back and forth between Bruce's training at the hands of Ra's ally Henri Ducard (Liam Neeson, about as "French" as Jean-Luc Picard), and Bruce as a boy being repeatedly lectured about FEAR. Linus Roache is an ingenius casting choice as Thomas Wayne -- he actually looks like Bale somewhat. And Michael Caine absolutely nails Alfred; when he emphasizes the importance of secret identity, I cheered inside. The only thing more I could ask is for Alfred to be bald, like he always is in the comics, but many actors seem pathologically afraid of baldness. Few have been willing to play Lex Luthor as a chrome-dome the whole time (the guy on Smallville does, but the guy on Lois and Clark didn't, and Gene Hackman certainly did his best to geta round it).

I'm not usually one to get xenophobic about casting, but Nolan's propensity for hiring Brits backfires on one count -- Tom Wilkinson as mobster Carmine Falcone. Wilkinson's generic American accent can be shaky, and his Noo Yawk Gangsta one is downright appalling.

Morgan Freeman is Morgan Freeman. Rutger Hauer gets a nice little part as head of the Wayne Foundation. And Gary Oldman erases all memory of any previous James Gordon by playing him like the comic book, for what I think is the first time ever. He's just a sergeant, and becomes Lieutenant by the end, but he'll probably make Commish in the sequel. The relationship with Batman is nicely portrayed, and in another movie first, we finally get those trademark scenes where Gordon keeps talking and then turns around to see that Batman has already disappeared. Well played, sirs, well played.

Katie Holmes should not be in the movie at all. She's rather blatantly there because there would be no female character otherwise. Her character as written -- the last honest D.A. in Gotham -- should really be Harvey Dent (previously played by Billy Dee Williams). And of course she learns Batman's secret. I sincerely hope they kill her off in the next one. At least there's a legit reason for bringing her to the Batcave this time. And one can chalk this up to a learning process -- okay, now Bruce'll figure out not to give it up.

A female character they could've added would be Leslie Thompkins, the social worker who cares for young Bruce after his parents are killed. But she'd be old and not hot.

As for Bale -- I finally believe his American accent, and have totally forgotten what his English one sounds like. The costume doesn't look great in stills, but it's mostly shrouded in the cape onscreen. I'd like to see a more vulnerable Batsuit -- seeing Bats get slashed in the cartoon was always fun, and making him bulletproof takes some jeopardy away -- and the fan film BATMAN: DEAD END proved that an Alex Ross-style garment could look good on film. But at least there's an explanation as to why it looks the way it does, and how it can transform into a glider.

Cillian Murphy seemed like a terrible idea as The Scarecrow, but he's very good, with a really creepy androgyny to him. Too bad the character's been emasculated. He has no costume, just a mask, and his only weapon against Batman is neutralized very swiftly. He's no physical threat, so all he has is fear gas, but Bruce immediately gets his hands on an antidote after their first encounter. Lame. Thank goodness he sticks with his Irish accent and doesn't try to replicate Wilkinson's.

The sequel is clearly intended to feature the Joker, so I suppose I can but dream of a faithful BATMAN: YEAR TWO movie with Todd McFarlane villain The Reaper. BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM - THE ANIMATED MOVIE, which is still the only perfect Bat-feature, kinda sorta ripped of the Reaper with Phantasm, and BATMAN BEGINS incorporates the subplot about Batman confronting gunman Joe Chill (murderer of Bruce's parents) and subsequently deciding not to use guns. Richard Brake is well cast as Chill, looking like a scuzzy lowlife, hardly the slick hitman that Tim Burton had Jack Napier be.

One last thing: In case INSOMNIA didn't make the point abundantly clear, Nolan is not a great director of action. Every major fight scene save one is blurry, close-up, and hard to follow. The one exception is a Bruce-Ducard battle on a glacier that is awesome, in large part thanks to the scenery. Yes, Batman should strike out of the shadows, but can we enjoy his mad ninja skillz just once?

I'm being hard on the movie because I care. On balance, it's still a lot closer to the essence than Burton or Schumacher came. The groundwork has been laid for something wonderful. If I have a FEAR, it is that WB execs will make me FEAR the sequels, and in their FEAR they will insist on another gratuotous female lead who, I FEAR, will mess the story up.

But I'm prepared to face that FEAR by becoming FEAR, or something.

Posted by LYT at 4:55 PM | Comments (9)

No booze and no self-love makes LYT something something...

Go crazy?

Posted by LYT at 12:13 AM | Comments (3)

June 13, 2005

And another new item...

An exclusive PAIN AND SUFFERING movie teaser poster. When I end up being more famous than now, it's bound to be a sought-after collectible.

It's also the only item in the store to be sold at a profit. Proceeds go toward paying the bills for my recent real-life pain and suffering.

Edit: OK, not the only one any more. The new T-shirt with the poster design on it is also marked up.

Posted by LYT at 10:36 PM | Comments (1)

New merchandise in the store

Check out the LYT Birthday Card

I amuse myself, at least.

Posted by LYT at 4:46 PM | Comments (1)

Tagged

If you read other L.A. Blogs, you've probably noticed a book survey that's making the rounds. Nancy R. tagged me, but thankfully with the caveat that it could be about movies, because I don't read many books, and I really don't care whether or not you do.

1. The total number of books I own: Holy fucking Christ on a cracker, am I actually supposed to go count them? About seven large drawers full of DVDs, a couple shelves of VHS tapes that are probably so degraded as to be unwatchable, and various Playboy videos around the house, most of which I haven't watched but simply grabbed from the freebie table back when there was a New Times LA and they kept sending us this stuff.

Note: If anyone would like a free, random Playboy video, send me an S.A.E. with appropriate postage. You may get one I watched once, but never more than that. Most are still sealed.

2. The last movie I bought: Donnie Darko Director's Cut. I mostly buy stuff in the used DVD bins at Hollywood video or Cockthruster where they're 3 for $30, but this one never showed up there. Now that I know Jimmy Duval, I wanted to see him trying to be all scary again. Plus his action figure comes out later in the year. The last movie I paid to see in a theater was REVENGE OF THE SITH, for the second time.

3. The last movie I saw: This may have changed by the time you read this, but as I type, the last movie I saw was RIZE, the new documentary about the hip-hop dance styles of clowning and krumping. Now I have to write a review of it.

4. Five movies/DVDs that mean a lot to me:

-2001: A Space Odyssey. My favorite movie, and one I don't own on DVD because it is a BIG SCREEN EXPERIENCE, period. Fortunately, it tends to keep circulating on the big screen, and I see it every time. If you've only seen it on a TV screen, you DON'T GET IT. I didn't, and I'd seen it many times on TV before finally getting a theatrical view.

-Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection. Because it features my first-ever DVD commentary track. I had nothing to do with the movie, and had never heard of it before, but I tried to do my research online, and managed to persuade Gregory Weinkauf to do it with me. Hilarity ensued. And I like the movie more and more -- it's kung-fu meets blaxploitation, with plenty of nudity and wonderfully bad dubbing done somewhere in England, so all these Chinese guys keep calling each other "Damn Bastard!" in north UK accents.

-Until the Night. Because even though you have to either watch the deleted scenes or sit all the way through the end credits, it is still my feature acting debut. And I did commentary with a legit movie star, Kathleen Robertson.

-Flash Gordon. The fact that it's the only VHS tape I still watch regularly tells you something (I would watch Cool as Ice often, but the tape has deteriorated). A sci-fi epic as sweeping as the Star Wars prequels, yet done with no CGI whatsoever. An epic story that takes its time (it's always drastically edited for time constraints when it airs on TV) and builds up the characters before flinging them into battle. A helluva violent PG movie. A strange universe that doesn't feel the need to explain or justify its odd physics ("hot hail," giant floating moons within the atmosphere that have their own ecosystem, etc). The light-hearted tone that nonetheless manages to take the jeopardy seriously.

And that theme song! A DVD version is needed.

-My bootleg DVDs of the original Star Wars trilogy, burned from the Laserdiscs before George Lucas decided that the movies in this format should never be made available again, replaced for posterity by 1997 rereleases with new CG-effects that already look more dated than anything in the older versions. No Sarlacc beak, no Hayden Christensen ghost, no "Jedi Rocks," no Wampa costume, no badly redubbed Vader, no Jedi landing scene inserted into Empire backwards, and no freakin' Greedo firing first. Everyone wants these, and I'd be happy to pay George the money if he were to actually make these available.

5. Tag five people and have them do this on their blogs: Because I'm tagging them, it means this has to be about movies, because I don't give a shit what you're reading. I don't know if everyone I tag will ever see this, but...

Jaye Barnes Luckett, Dave White, David Scott, sean (connery), and Tiffany Stone may consider themselves tagged.

Posted by LYT at 3:13 PM | Comments (6)

June 12, 2005

BATMAN AND ROBIN

I don't know anyone who'll admit to liking BATMAN AND ROBIN.

Except me.

Whaaaaat? A nitpicky Bat-fan like me? Enjoy a film that's not only unanimously considered the worst Batman movie, but one of the worst movies ever made, period?

Yes. Sorry.

It was obvious to me when the first trailer hit what the tone of the movie would be. Other people seem to have not been similarly prepared, but come on...the preview opened with "Mi name isss Freeeze! Lyearn it well, foh it isss da CHILLING sound off ya DOOM!"

You expected anything other than camp after that? I enjoy BATMAN AND ROBIN like I enjoy BATMAN! THE MOVIE. Neither is in any way true to Batman as I understand him, but both are enjoyable camp. Some seem to doubt that BATMAN AND ROBIN was deliberate camp, but I need only point you to the scene in which Batman tries to bid for Poison Ivy's "services" using a Bat-credit card with an expiration date of "forever." You may hate Joel Schumacher, but he's not an idiot -- there's no possible way he could have meant that scene as anything other than comedy.

Schumacher has never expressed much satisfaction with the film; he has repeatedly told the story that the first production meeting was Warner Bros. executives who insisted that their be a certain number of vehicles and characters that could be made into toys, which probably helps explain why there are three heroes and three villains this outing. Schumacher also defends his choices by claiming that there are many different interpretations of Batman throughout the character's history, including the campy versions. He's not wrong.

I suspect that given very confining mandates, Schumacher tried to be subversive in his own way by adding a lot of gay subtext. I also suspect that this bothers people more than the campy performances and storyline.

Having said that, I'm not sure all of the actors were in on the joke. Uma Thurman's Mae West impersonation as Poison Ivy simply doesn't work, seriously or unseriously. But Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze is a deranged triumph: he's clearly trying as hard as he can to be hilariously funny, and expending a lot of energy in doing so, but the deliberate humor falls so incredibly flat that it becomes funny in a disastrous way. If you're a Californian, watching BATMAN AND ROBIN will make you seriously fear for the sanity of the man in charge of the state.

George Clooney is indisputably the worst Batman, but I do think he was in on the joke a bit. Unlike Keaton, Kilmer, Bale, or Kevin Conroy in the cartoons, he makes no attempt to modify his voice or performance between Batman and Bruce Wayne. As Batman, he walks around in broad daylight examining a crime scene. And he does the stereotypical Clooney thing of looking down and bobbing his head, even while wearing Bat-ears. If he was meant to be channeling Adam West, he at least partially succeeds.

Echoes of the TV show include Mr. Freeze having a Germanic accent (Otto Preminger filled the role on TV), and the gang of ice hockey players that back him up, similar to the generic henchmen every TV villain would have. Robin doesn't say "Holy..." but Batman does get to say things like "Batgirl? That's not very PC, shouldn't you be Bat-Person?" Alfred creates a Max Headroom-style hologram version of himself, and once again just blatantly assists a female character in entering the Batcave, where it just so happens that he's created a Batsuit just on the offchance that she might need one. This all while suffering from a terminal disease (which just so happens to be the one Mr. Freeze is researching).

Speaking of the Batgirl-suit, Schumacher promised nipples, and screwed us on that. He also promised Poison Ivy would be wearing almost nothing, which also was not delivered.

At least Commisioner Gordon's dopiness is not out of place in this one, though you've got to love the way he introduces Mr. Freeze in true toy commercial style as "a new villain!" Michael Gough's Alfred is also less bothersome here -- the homoerotic scene in which Bruce Wayne kisses him and says he loves him is most amusing.

No killing by Batman, and no revelation of identity to girlfriend (Elle MacPherson's character of Julie Madison was originally killed off, but that scene got deleted). Batgirl discovers the secret rather easily, though.

In a gaffe reminiscent of the Penguin knocking over the tombstone in RETURNS, a policeman exits a "frozen" car, and the icicles on the door bounce. Possibly a deliberate camp touch? I don't know.

Anyway, I find the movie endlessly entertaining in its own way. Love the Jesse Ventura cameo too.

Please note: I will not be reviewing BATMAN: MASK OF THE PHANTASM - THE ANIMATED MOVIE. I'm assessing live-action Batmen. MASK OF THE PHANTASM, like the rest of the Paul Dini cartoon, is flawless in its portrayal, and the best Batman movie to date. All the best comic adaptations are animated, with my personal favorite being MTV's THE MAXX. But live-action is a different beast with different challenges, and that's what's relevant to my upcoming BATMAN BEGINS review.

Posted by LYT at 2:21 PM | Comments (8)

speaks for itself

Posted by LYT at 1:39 AM | Comments (8)

June 11, 2005

I am a movie director

Yes I am. For real.

So over the years, all those people who mocked my dreams of being one can go fuck themselves.

Especially Robin Miller, careers guidance counselor at The High School, Dublin.

Kisses.

(readers: I'm going to start this as a topic on the message board, since it'll be a while before the movie's finished and you may wish to discuss after this post is archived)

Posted by LYT at 2:54 PM | Comments (8)

BATMAN FOREVER (1995)

The way people talk about this movie now is not the way they talked about it at the time.

These days, it and its sequel are referred to collectively, in derisive tones, as "the Schumacher movies." Such a labeling implies that they are the same kind of movie, but they aren't at all. Each has a very different take on Batman, in part because of two very different leading men.

Christian Bale is now my favorite Batman. But before him, Val Kilmer was. Kilmer's appeal in the role may be partially due to the fact that his actual public persona resembles Bruce Wayne more closely than that of any other Bat-thespian. He's known as a handsome, charismatic leading man. He also has a reputation for being utterly insane. And the physicality that Michael Keaton did not have is there.

Joel Schumacher's mandate from the studio was to make Batman less dark and more kid-friendly, which in this movie he did without hurting Batman as a character too much (the ending is problematic, but that's partially Tim Burton's fault too -- we'll get to that). There was also interest from the studio in bringing in Robin since the franchise began, and his introduction is achieved about as well as it could be, with a costume that's logical: a modified Batsuit painted in the colors of Dick Grayson's old circus gear makes sense in the context of the cinematic story. Chris O'Donnell is better than usual...hell, we're lucky to have him, because Marlon Wayans very nearly appeared as Robin in BATMAN RETURNS.

Schumacher can do dark, by the way -- FLATLINERS, LOST BOYS, TIGERLAND...hell, as I sat watching THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy might be good for doing Batman...Oh, wait, he did.” His orders were not to do so here.

The biggest misstep in BATMAN FOREVER is the portrayal of Two-Face. Schumacher and WB bought out Billy Dee Williams' contract, and Schumacher's official explanation was that he didn't think Billy Dee Williams could be convincingly evil (more likely the producers simply wanted a bigger "name"). But Tommy Lee Jones doesn't get it at all, and Schumacher would later complain that Jones was horrible to work with and that he'd never work with him again.

Jones plays the role like Jack Nicholson's Joker, which is totally wrong for a character who's supposed to be conflicted and tragic. At one point, he keeps tossing his coin until he gets the result he desires, which is totally wrong, and misses the point of the character completely. There's no sense of duality at all in his portrayal. Williams couldn't have possibly been worse.

Bruce Wayne is still shown wearing glasses. Again I reiterate that he is not Clark Kent, and can see in the dark. And again he reveals his identity to his girlfriend (Nicole Kidman this time around), which apparently was not the case in the original script.

But Bruce himself is mostly good. The scene in his corporate office where he says "door" and the door seals, then "Chair" and the chair shoots him into an underground tunnel leading straight to the Batcave -- priceless. And his speech to Dick Grayson about why killing is wrong -- again, about time. The original script and cut of the film apparently dealt with the fact that Bruce regretted the deaths of Penguin and Joker, but once Batman and Harvey Dent were recast, it was felt there was no need to acknowledge the continuity.

Still not recast: Pat Hingle, fatter and dopier than ever as Gordon, even allowing Nicole Kidman to simply commandeer the Bat-signal for her frivolous flirtatation desires. The fact that he runs to the scene in his pajamas makes him look even more ridiculous than usual. Gordon deserves much better than this treatment.

The most controversial call on Batman is to have him, essentially, “get over” his trauma at the movie’s end. This was allegedly explained much better in the script. One of Joel Schumacher’s most booed comments was to say “I think Batman needs to get over the death of his parents.” Ummm, no.

HOWEVER...what is not so well known is that Tim Burton had exactly the same impulse, and had planned the Batman movies as a trilogy that would end with Bruce “getting over it.” For all the credit Burton gets as a hero to goth outsider types, horror author Poppy Z. Brite really nailed him on the fact that his movies so often end with the outsider accepting conformity. Pee-wee gets himself a conventional girlfriend, Winona Ryder stops being goth and goes to Catholic school, Batman gets the blonde reporter chick...don’t even get me started on Nightmare Before Christmas, which spoon-feeds Disney pap to the Hot Topic crowd under the guise of “darkness.”

So anyway, if you want to blame Joel for that particular choice, blame Tim too.

Getting Jim Carrey as the Riddler was a good move -- not 100% comic accurate, but certainly in the spirit of Frank Gorshin. The character borrows a bit from the Mad Hatter (Batman version, not Lewis Carroll version), but overall is a much better choice than Robin Williams -- certainly a better physical match. The one odd touch is the character’s hair -- when Ed Nygma becomes the Riddler, he suddenly has a bright red buzzcut. Then when he goes undercover as Nygma again, he’s back to regular Jim Carrey hair. This is a mystery on a par with the vanishing black paint around Batman’s eyes.

Another good move -- shooting some scenes on location in actual cities. By contrast to the soundstage feel of RETURNS, Gotham felt like a functional city again.

An almost-thwarted good move -- H.R. Giger was asked to redesign the Batmobile. Most likely due to Giger being insane, this didn’t quite happen, but a semblance of his style remained on the new car, boat, and plane. Batman is once again revealed to be a shitty combat pilot, as he crashes his second Batwing.

Meanwhile, the Batsuit, which had been redesigned to look more like armor in RETURNS, got a makeover Greek-statue style with nipples, the decision that must surely haunt Schumacher the most to this day (he promised Batgirl would also have nips in BATMAN AND ROBIN, but that clearly got vetoed). In FOREVER, Batman does trade the nip-suit in for a more cybernetic looking number at the end, which he unfortunately does not retain in the following film.

Some fans objected to the Burt Ward reference, “Holy rusted metal Batman!” It got a good laugh when I saw it, and I think it works. As long as Batman isn’t made too much a figure of fun, Robin is allowed to be humorous.

Danny Elfman’s Bat-theme was lost, but Elliott Goldenthal’s substitute is not bad. We’ve gotten away now from the notion of superhero themes: Spider-Man, The Punisher, X-Men, Daredevil, Batman Begins -- I defy you to hum the movie theme for any of those. But everybody knows John Williams’ Superman. Bryan Singer smartly plans on reusing it. Maybe that’ll get us back to heroic scores.

I was sad when Kilmer bailed after one film in order to do THE SAINT. Kilmer’s probably glad he did...no-one will remember THE SAINT, but few will forget BATMAN AND ROBIN...

(next: “Tonight’s fawcast -- a FREEZE isss coming!”)

Posted by LYT at 2:48 PM | Comments (5)

June 10, 2005

BATMAN RETURNS (1992)

The movie in which Tim Burton mostly fixes what he got wrong in the first BATMAN. Unfortunately, he also screws up the stuff he got right.

There is some sweet vindication here for Bat-fans unhappy with some of the out-of-character choices in the previous movie. Bruce Wayne reprimanding Alfred for letting Vicki Vale into the Batcave...Yes! Batman finally deciding that killing is wrong (even though he has already incinerated a guy alive with the Batmobile engine, strapped dynamite to a criminal's chest, and caused the Penguin to die from massive internal bleeding)...about time.

But someone, probably a studio exec above Burton, made the command decision that the production would be done in the U.S., thus rendering all Anton Furst's wonderful sets useless. And since the movie had to be set during winter, but shot in the summer, all the sets had to be indoors on climate-controlled sets. And it looks like a soundstage. The most blatant gaffe is when the Penguin visits a graveyard and nearly knocks over one of the decidedly non-stone headstones.

So Gotham now looks more liek a Tim Burton drawing than ever. It's often been stated that BATMAN RETURNS is more Tim Burton movie than comic book adaptation, almost as if Burton had taken an existing, unrelated story in his mind and managed to plug a few Batman characters into it. Certainly he manges to completely ignore any established continuity regarding the Penguin and Catwoman, completely reinventing both.

The Penguin reinvention is understandable to me. The comic book notion of a mean fat man in a tux worked better in the campy 60s than in the Dark Knight 90s, and Burton's notion of him as a mutant raised in the sewers is genuinely frightening. It's also the only time I've seen Danny DeVito completely disappear into a role. Granted, DeVito's distinct physicality makes it hard to be a chameleon, but under the Penguin latex, he was liberated in a way I've never seen from him before or since.

As for Catwoman...well, no-ones really gonna complain with the way Michelle Pfeiffer played her in costume, but the origin story here is pretty bad, and only Burton could have gotten away with it (just ask Pitof, who tried to reprise it in the infamously awful CATWOMAN movie). Let's see -- a bookish woman falls to her death, is revived by cats licking her face, and reincarnated as a badass avenger with a whip? Well, parents had a hard enough time dealing with that, and her licking of Batman's face, in an ostensible "kids movie" (a problem of perception that goes back to the TV show, as I mentioned before), so no doubt a comic-accurate hooker/dominatrix-turned-thief version of Catwoman would have been even more inflammatory.

Unfortunately, Pitof's travesty probably hurts the chances for more Catwoman onscreen. I would love to see the current Catwoman in the aviatrix/dominatrix outfit -- check this out to see how good it could look.

It has been noted that in the Burton movies, and even the Schumacher ones, the villains are the scene-stealers and the obvious focal point of interest for the film-makers. In BATMAN RETURNS, this is truer than any of the others -- Penguin is the protagonist of the story, with newly invented character Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) as the antagonist. Batman and Catwoman are supporting characters, essentially playing the role of henchmen/women.

The movie begins with Penguin. Penguin drives the story, and Batman's behavior is almost purely reactive. Penguin has a full character arc (mutant reject to respectable citizen to darker child-killer who fully rejects all of his humanity), while Batman is a mostly static character, and Catwoman simply goes from mousy to bold. This is not an especially surprising choice by Burton, but it doesn't do wonders for Batman.

As much as the movie features a twisted reality that isn't to be taken too literally, there are at least two occasions that defy suspension of disbelief in obnoxious ways that could have been fixed.

One: Batman spreads out his arms, and a massive mechanical glider springs out from under them. Once he's done gliding, this contraption closes into a regular cape. Ummm, no. Funnily enough, BATMAN BEGINS offers a similar device in a totally plausible manner. Watch and learn, Tim.

Two: the black paint around the eyes. I wish they wouldn't do this in the movies, but if you're going to have Batman do it, don't then pretend that he doesn't. Midway during the climax of BATMAN RETURNS, Batman suddenly doesn't have the paint. Why? Because the next scene calls for him to rip the mask off, and we're pretending that his eyes aren't actually painted. Insulting to the audience, really. Especially since Catwoman doesn't need paint around her eyes. The scene that follows, however, with Walken's Shreck, does feature one of the best dialogue exchanges in any BATMAN film. Right after Catwoman and Batman have both unmasked...

MAX SHRECK: Selina Kyle! You're fired! And Bruce...Wayne...What are you doing dressed as Batman?
CATWOMAN: He IS Batman, you moron!
MAX SHRECK: WAS Batman (pulls out a gun and fires)

Props also to Andrew Bryniarski as Chip Shreck, doing a mean Walken impersonation in his few scenes. Michael Gough is probably at his least irritating, and Pat Hingle is still a fat dope as Gordon.

And yes, Batman reveals his identity to his girlfriend again. It's handled almost accidentally, as a revealing line slips out (BATMAN BEGINS uses a similar tack), but revealing it AGAIN in front of Max Shreck is not in character, though as I mentioned, it does lead to that great dialogue exchange.

BTAMAN RETURNS also bears the honor, I think, of being the only comic-book movie to feature the phrase "poon tang" (whispered by Walken to DeVito while the former is trying to persuade the latter to run for mayor).

Uptight parents groups were very unhappy with the movie, which ultimately led to Burton being ditched in favor of a more "family friendly" director -- a flamingly gay former costume designer best known for making an R-rated vampire movie starring Kiefer Sutherland and the two Coreys.

Anyway, I enjoy BATMAN RETURNS, but it really isn't Batman to me.

Posted by LYT at 12:14 PM | Comments (12)

June 9, 2005

Maybe THIS will persuade them to finally release the damn movie?

THE WOODS' Rachel Nichols is now the star of a brand new FBI-themed show Wednseday nights on Fox.

In other WOODS news...there is no other @#@%$%^&* WOODS news!

Posted by LYT at 11:06 PM | Comments (1)

Again I become aware of my social limitations

System of a Down. Aug. 4.

I'm buying a ticket tomorrow, and hope to finally see this band having been thwarted by appendicitis lsat time.

They're one of the most popular (and interesting) bands in the country, yet no-one seems to want to go with me.

Friends often sound astonished when they hear that I've gone to a concert alone. Yet what choice do I have?

Last call for companions...

Posted by LYT at 5:34 PM | Comments (2)

Tim Burton's BATMAN (1989)

Burton's movie was no mere movie -- it was an event. Coming on the heels of the Dark Knight comic book, and a resurgence in Bat-popularity, as well as being the first cinematic adaptation of such an iconic character since Richard Donner's SUPERMAN, the movie had an uprecedented wave of merchandise and tie-ins. Some of the licensors were totally unprepared; upstart new company Toy Biz got the action figure rights, but made them in such small quantities that they were tough to get even a year and a half after the flick came out. Most of the tie-in stuff prior to the film's release was comic-based; movie T-shirts came out later.

Burton's previous two movies, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE and BEETLEJUICE, were and still are two of my favorite movies ever. So I was hyped. Jack Nicholson sounded like the right choice as the Joker (though my friend Gregory still complains about that particular casting choice), and Anton Furst's sets -- along with the new Bat-vehicles -- were awesome. Michael Keaton was controversial to say the least, but he looked good in the fake muscle-suit Bob Ringwood created for him.

I remember I went to Ireland for a month and missed the movie's opening. The day I came back, I had to go see it.

As a movie spectacle, it delivered. As Batman, well...it got a lot of things wrong.

The sets were still great. Jack Nicholson struck the right balance of insanity and humor, even if he wasn't quite the right physical type. The Batsuit worked. But Keaton was not the right choice.

Acting-wise, I can see why Burton cast him. He can look totally normal, or completely nuts. He has a light comedic persona and a dark edge. He's also short, balding, non-buff, and in the movie he wears glasses.

HELLO! This isn't Clark Kent! Bruce Wayne can see in the dark, and should not be wearing glasses.

But that's not the only character choice gone way wrong...

Pat Hingle as Commisioner Gordon was an extremely bad call. Gordon is a lean, hardened cop, slightly cynical but still capable of hope thanks to Batman. Hingle portrayed him as a fat dope who can barely walk at a decent pace. Alas, with all the recasting of the next three sequels, Hingle stayed on in every one.

Michael Gough as Alfred never worked for me either. He's too old, and too gradfatherly, without any of the toughness he should have. And in Burton's first film, Alfred seems determined to sabotage Bruce's secret identity by playing matchmaker with Vicki Vale. This set up a very bad trend that continues in bat-movies to this day -- Bruce always ends up revealing his identity to whomever he's dating. This is not in character at all for Batman. The early scene with Keaton blowing off Basinger is correctly in character, but his later attempts to get serious with her are not.

Other off-notes -- Having Joker be the one who killed Batman's parents. Come to that, how exactly is his new Joker persona any different from his pre-toxic waste persona? Both are psychotic killers, no?

And Batman setting out to kill anybody is fundamentally wrong. Batman has an arrogant sense of self-righteousness, yes, but he's supposed to always differentiate himself from the bad guys by not killing them. For him to actually say "I'm gonna kill you" is a travesty; for him to actually kill the Joker is bad for the franchise, let alone the integrity of the characters.

And then there was the odd decision to put black paint around Batman's eyes. This gets even odder in the next film, when they pretend it isn't there...

So what's good about it? The look of the whole film is great, the setpieces are nicely staged, the feeling is epic, and seeing a non-camp Batman onscreen was such a groundbreaking thing that the appeal couldn't be denied. I still wish there had been movie-accurate toys reproduicing some of the amazing locations. Billy Dee Williams was good as Harvey Dent -- too bad they recast that role really poorly later on. Jack Palance made a way better crime boss than Tom Wilkinson does in the new film. And whatever my friend G says, I do dig Jack the Joker, though his romantic interest in Vicki Vale seems contrived at best, especially since Kim Basinger seems so monotone (she's gotten better as an actress, and more attractive, as she's aged, which is contrary to conventional wisdom but true).

Oh, and the ever-dependable Tracey Walter as Bob the Goon. His action figure with power-kick action was stupid, but that's not his fault.

Posted by LYT at 4:14 PM | Comments (5)

Bat to the Future

Before reviewing BATMAN BEGINS, I figured the Bat-movies were due a bit of a retrospective. That way, you'll know where I stand, and what kind of Bat-nitpicker I can be. You may be surprised at what I've liked and haven't in the previous flicks.

BATMAN! THE MOVIE starring Adam West and Burt Ward.

The campy '60s sty