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October 31, 2005

In even more frightening news...

I'll be posting periodically at Pererro. I've been a little worried that since it's kinda becoming a group blog over there, it might lose the "Instapundit of Boringness" vibe. So I'm trying to write in the appropriate voice for the site, sorta like the "Atrios of Boringness."

In other news, McFarlane Toys announced what'll be in series two of Napoleon Dynamite toys: Happy Hands Club Napoleon, Uncle Rico, a new version of Kip, and Napoleon with Tina the Llama.

Looks like we won't be getting Rex Kwon Do or Deb any time soon.

Posted by LYT at 5:03 PM | Comments (2)

Justin Stone as an action figure?

Tell me the one on the right doesn't look more than a little like our pal J.D....

Posted by LYT at 3:32 PM | Comments (1)

New T-shirt design

With a theological bent this time.

Posted by LYT at 2:22 PM | Comments (4)

Boo! Happy Halloween!

Scare yourselves with the prospect of the new Supreme Court Justice nominee.

Posted by LYT at 1:47 PM | Comments (2)

A look at the finale of the new King Kong

HERE

Posted by LYT at 1:56 AM | Comments (4)

Positive sign for THE WOODS? (updated)

A tipster by the name of Peter pointed me to this press release, which seems to indicate that Sony is keeping the MGM brand alive, and will release THE WOODS next year under it. Or even that MGM may split from Sony -- not all of the links Peter sent me worked, but the gist is that MGM may not be dead after all.

It certainly looks official, huh? I'd be happier if they nailed down a more specific date, but the fact that it's being mentioned at all in the same article with Pink Panther and James Bond means someone cares about it.

Note: I have no independent confirmation as yet, but am hopeful. And thanks to Peter and everyone else who keeps tabs on this stuff.

UPDATE: Peter's other link didn't work because it was a subscription-only page. Here's the intro to it where you can log in for free.

Posted by LYT at 1:15 AM | Comments (1)

October 30, 2005

In other sad news

I don't suggest ever watching the Martin Lawrence movie REBOUND, but one of the bright spots in that movie was a young actress named Tara Correa, whom I had pegged as someone to watch.

She'll never realize that potential. She's been killed in gang-related crossfire.

Only 16 years old.

Posted by LYT at 2:30 PM | Comments (2)

We can Danz if we wanna, we can leave your friends behind

I've seen Danzig live probably more than any other band. At least three times in college, then the first Ozzfest (where I got backstage and met Glenn), then a "secret" Halloween show, and if I recall right one more time after that. I've seen them at venues as small as the Whisky-a-Go-Go, and as large as Irvine Meadows (a.k.a. Verizon Amphitheatre). Smaller is generally better, as Glenn's banter isn't well-served by PA systems -- if I have one complaint about the band live, it's that Glenn is so into big movements that sometimes he jerks the mic away from his own face before he's done singing a line, inadvertently cutting himself off. So it's best to be within a range where you can get some of the sound from the source.

But it never gets old...tonight I did it again (the only bands I think I've seen close to as many times are Type O Negative and Marilyn Manson, both of whom I've seen open for...Danzig! And now Type O's Johnny Kelly is Danzig's drummer).

The day didn't start out so great, as I had to drive across town in the morning for a 10 a.m. screening of CHICKEN LITTLE. Disney studio logic is that they want you to see kids' movies with a bunch of kids, because they hate you (Dreamworks has it best -- with their kiddie movies, they generally have one Saturday morning screening, and then another one at night for people who don't enjoy mornings or screaming youngsters). Studio illogic is that Disney is debuting a brand new 3-D system with CHICKEN LITTLE, but the press screening was in 2-D. I'll save the rest for my review, but surely it's no secret that watching a 3-D movie flat is not the ideal.

I had been assigned to review ZATHURA, the movie based on the book that's kind of a sequel to JUMANJI, which will be screening on a Saturday morning not long from now, but it also did a national sneak preview. Alas, on Danzig day. But wait! It's at the kid-friendly time of 5 p.m., and Danzig doesn't start till 6:15, plus he has five opening bands. It was doable, since both were at Universal CityWalk, even though the cashier at the theater had no idea what "Zathura" was.

I'm always surprised that these sneak previews seldom sell out. The theater was more than half empty, and the focus was just slightly off throughout (digital projection in all theaters cannot come soon enough). Again, you'll have to wait for my review -- I'll say only that the previews accurately represent the movie, so make of that what you will. It also features one of the best lines in cinema this year -- "Get me a juice box, BIATCH!"

I got to the Universal Amphitheatre in time to catch the end of the set by a Mexican metal band called Asaseno -- death metal by bearded guys in lucha libre masks. After them came Mortiis, who were heavy but gothic, and the band actually wore Halloween costumes. Hisma were kinda generic, though I thought it was funny that their logo poster was "hHh" -- it's all about the game and how ya play it.

I needed some kind of food, so I got "spicy cheese fries" -- salty fries with nacho sauce, and then MORE SALT put on top, enough to parch a damn camel. Or make that camel drink beer. I paced my beers by filling the beer cup with water between refills.

Behemoth, from Poland, were next. Good, but not special. Chimaira, from Cleveland, were quite impressive; an old-school thrsah band with long hair, black shirts, inked arms, and a strobe light in back of them. I couldn't differentiate their individual songs, but I was riveted. This was the kind of band asshole rebels used to dig in my high school days, back before Metallica did "Enter Sandman" and were still out of the mainstream.

I'm curious, if I have any high school readers now -- are there metalheads in your school, and what do they like? Are they into the KROQ type stuff like Good Charlotte, or do any dig bands you won't hear on mainstream radio, not because they're weird or alternative, but because they're hard and heavy?

Danzig's set flew by. This was different from past tours in that he ahd former Misfits bandmate Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein with him, and they did a Misfits set, with each song announced on placards by scantily clad "ring girls." Danzig looks the same as he ever did; Doyle is huge and ripped, making Danzig look puny.

The set of Danzig songs covered all the albums except #5, an industrial disc that no-one seems to have love for but me. He opened with two songs from #8 (Circle of Snakes, and one other one), then "I Luciferi" from #7 (bathroom break time -- I'm not a big fan of album 7)

Here's how it broke down across the other albums:

#1: Twist of Cain, Not of This World, and obviously Mother
#2: Her Black Wings
#3: How the Gods Kill
#4: Bringer of Death, Going Down to Die, Brand New God (as part of the encore - Doyle played on this one. Final encore was the Misfits' "Die My Darling")
#5: nada
#6: Satan's Child
#7: I Luciferi
#8: Circle of Snakes, one other I don't know well.

Not exactly a lot of songs, eh? I know I haven't mentioned all the Misfits numbers, but those are less than 2 minutes apiece, mostly.

The arena wasn't sold out, and the security guards were power tripping, roaming the pit looking for people with no armbands. Then, on the other hand, one jackass guard at his post wouldn't let people LEAVE the pit! Except this one fat chick who was practically passed out, and crashed in my damn seat, then woke up and kept waving her elbows into me without even looking my direction. Anal security people didn't care about that, though.

And my seat was...oh yeah, FRONT ROW! Another great thing about liking Danzig -- it's not hard to get good seats if you buy them the moment they go on sale. Crowd was mostly young. I saw maybe two people who could even conceivably have seen the original Misfits live.

I shouldn't have waited till the end to by merchandise, though -- the shirt depicting a nun holding a Danzig demon fetus was sold out.

Posted by LYT at 1:08 AM | Comments (3)

October 28, 2005

Denial

I've sorta-known, sorta-not-known, that Cathy Seipp had inoperable lung cancer. When I first met her, her trademark was long curly hair under a red bandana. Then she was in chemo and wearing wigs. Then she emerged newly blonde, and I figured she was getting better. And when she launched her blog, nary a mention of it -- and certainly no symptoms of ill health in person -- so I figured that she was better.

She isn't. And when she went totally public with it tonight, it kinda floored me more than I thought it would. The last feisty bleache-blonde journalist to tell me she had cancer is no longer with us. Is it the hair bleach? Should I stop? As Cathy says, there are no reassuring reasons. She never smoked or lived with smokers, and has lung tumors. Is it L.A. air? Does that mean we're all at risk? Truth is, save for a brief spell in the '90s, most of us have lived most of our lives with the fear that we could all be wiped out at any second due to geopolitical circumstances way beyond our control.

Death terrifies me, yet I'm not living my life as best I could be. Some of that's beyond my control, and some isn't. The idea of dying before I've even properly been in love with anyone is particularly horrible. But then again, I imagine the idea of leaving loved ones behind sucks too.

Though Cathy says she's not going to turn her writing into a cancer blog, I have to confess that such writings would fascinate me, perhaps in the futile hope that it all becomes less scary to conceive of. And when she beats it (she's way ahead of the odds so far), it'll make for a great book deal.

Cathy is the polar opposite of me politically, yet she's always been one of the most personally generous human beings I've known in this town. I'm always surprised by the number of people who vehemently hate her because of some column they've read, because they tend to make assumptions about her personality that are far from the truth. It's true that she doesn't seem to have met a loony right-wing pundit that she won't defend, but catch her at parties, and who's she hanging out with? Matt Welch, David Ehrenstein, me...One of the blurbs in Wally George's autobiography said that he connected with college kids because they recognized him as a rebel, even though he was one from the opposite side. And Cathy and Wally have the same colored hair (unnatural blond over what was once brown), so there you go.

Cathy's not the type for cheap pops (a wrestling term meaning milking the crowd for cheers), so if you go to her site to post something, be sure to say something about Al Sharpton, or Iraq, or fucking gerbils, or show tune lyrics. Get that place back to normal.

Posted by LYT at 8:39 PM | Comments (4)

The Final Frontier

Who says science and religion don't mix?

Posted by LYT at 7:30 PM | Comments (4)

October 27, 2005

Review-palooza

First, two long ones.

"This is very much a screenwriter's movie: Not only does Harry talk and talk and talk, but most of the dialogue feels like the sort of stuff a smart writer might try to insert into an action flick, only to be overruled by studio suits. There's also ample casual nudity from most of the actresses, which could be a reaction to studio films in which such things must be carefully negotiated with big-name stars."

which movie? FIND OUT

This one's more obvious:

"Talk about striking while the iron is hot: It's been only a year since Saw became an instant cult hit, as well as a topic of debate among horror fans. Was it an innovative new classic, or did the occasionally lackluster acting and ludicrous final twist doom it to also-ran status? Back then, my review asked that "if this thing becomes a franchise, let's demand more logic for the sequel." Someone paid attention: Saw II, despite the swift turnaround time, improves on all of the first film's problem areas, while leaving intact everything that was good about the concept."

the rest HERE

Click the "More" link for a buttload of quick takes, a.k.a. "How I spent my weekend"

National Lampoon’s Barely Legal

Putting the “poon” back in “National Lampoon,” this low-budget pick-up is, at the very least, not as terrible as last year’s National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers, delivering sufficient gratuitous nudie shots that those lured in by the poster ought not be too disappointed. Other than that, it’s the exact same plot as The Girl Next Door, only way less funny. High school virgins Deacon (Erik von Detten), Fred (Tony Denman), and Matt (Daniel Farber) decide that the way to become successful is to make a porn film in Deacon’s basement, but they’re fairly incompetent at it, and alleged hilarity ensues. Amy Smart, playing Deacon’s dream girl and belying her last name by even appearing here, is getting too old to play high school age, and Horatio Sanz’s Ron Jeremy impersonation wears thin very quickly (fellow SNLers Chris Parnell and Rachel Dratch are even less funny in their cameos). Oh, and Tom Arnold plays Deacon’s dad -- his presence really tells you everything you need to know about the film.

DOOM

About eight years ago, when The Rock was dominating the WWE world title scene and Doom was dominating my PlayStation screen, the notion that the two might come together in a movie would have been a glorious pipedream. It should have stayed one. I’m not ashamed to admit that I like director Andrzej Bartkowiak’s DMX/Jet Li movies, but he’s out of his depth here, with a movie that often plays like a parody of the way videogame nerds think tough military men behave, as The Rock unleashes an endless stream of profanities as if he were a naughty child who just discovered them.

The early Doom games dropped you straight into Hell and let you blow away cyber-demons in castle-like dungeons; the movie just takes place in a generic dark space station, with more zombie-like monsters -- it’s based on the moodier, less fun Doom 3 game. The Rock may be the marquee name, but Karl Urban is our hero, a guy named Grimm whose nickname is “Reaper” (that’s as witty as it gets, folks). Reluctant to go to Mars and investigate a lab accident because of a childhood trauma that occurred there, he nonetheless rises to the occasion and must protect his sister (Rosamund Pike, annoying) from Stan Winston’s blood-soaked creations.

There’s a first-person shooting-gallery style sequence late in the movie that duplicates the game exactly, and is fantastic (Jon Farhat directed that bit), but nothing else onscreen comes close. And for a Doom movie to culminate in a climactic fist-fight between two humans? That’s just wrong.

Nine Lives

Yet another indie film about a series of interconnected lives, Rodrigo Garcia’s movie is basically several short stories put together, with primary characters from previous episodes occasionally intruding as supporting players in the later ones. The protagonists are all women, and a formidable line-up -- Amy Brenneman, Glenn Close, Robin Wright Penn, Kathy Baker, Sissy Spacek, Glenn Close, Molly Parker, Holly Hunter, Mary Kay Place, and the ubiquitous Dakota Fanning all feature prominently. Recurring themes include motherhood, thirst, aging, imprisonment, and death. The best take us places we don’t expect -- the Brenneman segment, in which she attends the funeral of her deaf ex-husband’s wife, reveals sign language phrases they won’t teach you in school -- while the worst, like the one with Lisa Gay Hamilton as the daughter of a philanderer, mine clichéd emotional turf. Five or six lives might have felt more concise; nine test the patience a bit, though it is impressive that each is composed of a single Steadicam shot.

Stay

The way the studio “promoted” this movie, barely screened it for press, and is now practically abandoning it into theaters might lead one to expect a cheapie horror toss-off, but it’s actually a far better movie than you’d think. Director Marc Forster (Monster’s Ball, Finding Neverland) has always been overly infatuated with filters and editing tricks, but here they serve an equally surreal plotline. Psychiatrist Ewan McGregor has a disturbed patient (Ryan Gosling) who promises to commit suicide in three days. As the doctor probes the case further, he encounters people who should be dead but aren’t, strange cases of déjà vu, and crowd scenes populated entirely by twins and triplets. Meanwhile, his lovely fiancée (Naomi Watts) has stopped taking her medication, and may be reverting into her own depressive past. The movie’s tagline sucks the wind out of Forster’s sails a bit by steering you towards the real ending, and the initial build-up is slow, but nonetheless, it’s a thoughtful thriller definitely worth your time.

Ushpizin

A good-hearted movie aimed at Orthodox Jews who don’t normally go to the movies, Giddi Dar’s film feels more inclusive and accessible to outsiders than similar movies aimed at specific faiths -- which is the whole point. The movie is about welcoming outsiders in during the Succoth festival, when true believers build and live in temporary shelters as a reminder of the nomadic history of the Jews. Moshe (Shuli Rand) and Mali (Michal Bat-Sheva Rand) are a penniless couple who can’t afford to build a shelter, then happen to find one along with a handsome cash donation. But Moshe has a dark past as a violent criminal, and when a friend from the old days (Shaul Mizrahi) shows up with a shady cohort (Ilan Ganani), having escaped from prison, tradition requires Moshe to be a hospitable host, a duty that pushes him to the breaking point. The film extols the virtues of charity and generosity without sugar-coating the difficulty of same, and if it opens viewers’ eyes up to a strange culture, so much the better.

G

Single-letter abbreviations are popular amongst the hip-hop kids these days, so much as “O” was a contemporary cinematic update of Othello, “G” updates The Great Gatsby to the nouveau riche hip-hop set in the Hamptons, albeit with a few more liberties to Fitzgerald than most would dare take with Shakespeare. Richard T. Jones is Summer G, the fabulously well-off but lonely music mogul who briefly rekindles a spark with the love of his life, Sky (Chenoa Maxwell), the one who got away and is now married to an abusive, philandering ass (Blair Underwood). Caught in between is Sky’s cousin Tracey (Andre Royo), who works for her hubbie’s father, but would much prefer that she ends up with the gentler G. Director Christopher Scott Cherot (Hav Plenty) has an ambiguous attitude towards hip-hop -- initially he seems to be defying stereotypes, but by the end the film apparently endorses the notion that rap is for heartless thugs. But props for being more ambitious than the average cotemporary black romantic drama.

[Due to excessive spam, this entry is now closed to comments]

Posted by LYT at 2:18 AM | Comments (1)

"This way, you'll be giving your life to save the Earth! Haven't you any spirit at all? " "No!"

R.I.P. Munson, a.k.a. actor William Hootkins, aged only 58.

Aside from being in my much-beloved FLASH GORDON, he's been in some other genius works.

-Porkins in STAR WARS

-Eckhardt ("Think about the future!") in BATMAN

-and of course The Fat Dude in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

other, lesser works of genius he played in: The Val Kilmer/Marlon Brando ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU, THE OMEGA CODE, HARDWARE, SUPERMAN IV, BIGGLES, DREAMCHILD.

Unfortunately, being fat tends to shorten one's life. But what a fuckin' amazing streak to go out on.

Posted by LYT at 12:42 AM | Comments (1)

October 26, 2005

While it lasts...

I've been the top story on LA Observed all day. Just because I wore a T-shirt.

Posted by LYT at 8:46 PM | Comments (6)

NY area fans: Meet Lucky McKee and Angela Bettis this weekend!

They'll be appearing at the Chiller Theatre Convention in the Medowlands Hotel, East Rutherford, NJ.

For the first time in any public forum, you'll be able to see scenes from the MASTERS OF HORROR episode "Sick Girl," as well as scenes from the episodes by Stuart Gordon (RE-ANIMATOR) and John Landis (AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON).

Got questions about THE WOODS? ROMAN? THE LOST? ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE? Instead of asking me, you can go straight to the source. At the last convention Lucky did, footage from all of those projects was shown. The MASTERS OF HORROR stuff is the only confirmed footage, but I wouldn't be surprised if he gave you a look at some other projects too.

Tell them LYT sent you.

I won't be there, unfortunately. But I'm pretty easy to meet most of the time anyway.

Posted by LYT at 2:14 PM | Comments (1)

October 25, 2005

Dave White's new review gig (UPDATED)

I've linked to him before, of course. But this isn't just his blog: It's an important new website gig. Check him out.

One caveat: I think Dave's gayness is blinding him to the fact that DREAMER sucks. He doesn't normally let that happen.

NEW: More Dave, this time on movies almost as scary as Dreamer: Inpsired By A True Story, at MSNBC.com

Posted by LYT at 1:12 PM | Comments (3)

VVM "pwned" by New Times

I wasn't going to say anything, but since everyone else already has...

New Times is back in town. The company bought out Village Voice Media, which owns the LA Weekly.

What this means for me, I do not know yet. But it'll probably be good.

Posted by LYT at 1:47 AM | Comments (11)

October 24, 2005

I knew it...

You belong in WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT (WWE).
You really must be something good huh? You
belong in the biggest wrestling promotion in
the world! Physical appearance, microphone
skills, gimmicks and characters are an
important part of wrestling you believe. Making
money is obviously important as well and you're
going to make a lot of it!


What Wrestling Promotion do you belong in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted by LYT at 2:15 AM | Comments (8)

Official MAD COWGIRL site goes live

Nothing there yet except the pre-release poster, but it's a higher-res version than we ran.

Posted by LYT at 1:46 AM | Comments (5)

October 23, 2005

Quit trying to confuse us, sinner!

The remake of THE FOG is "theologically confusing and, hence, abhorrent."

You know, I think most people find the whole "one God in three persons" thing theologically confusing too. Is that abhorrent?

Posted by LYT at 6:26 PM | Comments (1)

Heidi Hi

Porn-obsessed journo Luke Ford interviews porn-obsessed actor Tom Sizemore.

Best interview I've seen from LF in quite some time.

Posted by LYT at 2:55 PM | Comments (2)

October 22, 2005

George Bush doesn't care about kindergartners.

Rest assured, this isn't a serious political point, but I thought it was funny that the L.A. Daily News took issue with the fact that the president's motorcade kept some kids stuck in traffic where they were unable to see "The Wizard of Oz."

Posted by LYT at 12:30 PM | Comments (2)

Marathon weekend ahead

This is one of those working weekends where I ahve to see six movies or thereabouts, at least half of which are only playing at one specific theater.

So don't be surprised if you don't hear from me.

Meanwhile, I added a new Spreadshirt T-shirt design, taking advantage of the fact that, unlike Cafepress, they have no express written policy against profanity.

Posted by LYT at 2:34 AM | Comments (1)

October 20, 2005

Back in Black

Cafepress doesn't have black T-shirts as an option...but I found an online vendor who does!

So in addition to Cafepress, behold the new SPREADSHIRT merchandise store! Many new shirt designs will be added at a later date.

The designs on black can only be 2-colors, colors that don't touch, and specific graphic files of a kind I don't have, unless you use plain text and a pre-existing design. So no LYT-head shirts yet, but I'm very happy with the "Team LYT" shirt.

Posted by LYT at 4:15 PM | Comments (3)

SAVED!

For the benefit of Harry Knowles and others, and with a HUGE assist from Jaye, the "lost" set reports from Chris Sivertson's THE LOST have been reconstructed and links fixed.

So, to paraphrase Steve Jones:

"This is a re-broadcast. Wot yer gonna read now, you should 'ave read already. If ya dint, 'ere ya go."

THE LOST movie set report, part one, featuring Marc Senter, Shay Astar, Justin Stone, Zach Passero, Genevieve Normand, Mike McKee, Erin Brown and Ruby La Rocca.

THE LOST movie set report, part two

THE LOST movie set report, part three, featuring the Handsome Country Club Patron.

Posted by LYT at 1:06 PM | Comments (34)

Review Update

"There's nothing in Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story that's surprising in the least, unless you count the presence of Luis Guzman in a movie that's otherwise entirely populated by good-looking people. He's primarily there so that David Morse can keep using the term "Mexican" derisively"

Read the whole thing

CityBeat review of THE FOG remake:

In an attempt to remain somewhat objective, I avoided watching the 1980 John Carpenter original prior to seeing this new remake by Rupert Wainwright (Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ’Em: The Movie), but that didn’t help – this update still sucks. Carpenter’s original isn’t necessarily a classic, but it had a great cast (Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, and Hal Holbrook were among the leads), a sense of suspense, artful cinematography, and a ghost story that at least followed some degree of logic. New screenwriter Cooper Layne (The Core) has updated the tale of a mysterious fog that envelops a coastal town and resurrects malevolent zombie sailors with leprosy – and has somehow managed to make it boring in the process. His big additions to the story? A goofy, horny black guy (DeRay Davis); a PG-13 shower sex scene between vacuous-bimbo leads Maggie Grace (in the Curtis role) and Tom Welling (in the Dick Baxter role); and a “surprise” twist that makes no sense at all.

Not that any of the rest does, either – the fog-zombies’ powers are wildly inconsistent, working extremely well against disposable extras, but somehow managing to be slow and inefficient when confronted by one of the main characters. Carpenter’s original gave them a clear goal and a sense of closure; none of that here. Not to mention: Practical effects are more frightening than CG mist. You may jump and wince a couple of times, but only because the soundtrack features a few loud bangs that are cranked up beyond pain threshold. Good luck staying awake the rest of the time.

Posted by LYT at 1:11 AM | Comments (1)

October 19, 2005

Jeering Don’t Make the World Work

DVD REVIEW: “THE SELF-DESTRUCTION OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR”

Having been asked at the party for my comments on this DVD, I thought I should group them in a more orderly fashion, and think a proper response out some more. I am not, as some might think, any kind of expert on wrestling beyond the fact that I’ve been a devoted fan for some 18 years of my life. I claim no exclusive behind-the-scenes knowledge, but can, in the role of virtual juror, sort out what appears most likely to be true and untrue.

The Ultimate Warrior, born Jim Hellwig, was a pro-wrestler with a He-Man-like physique, tassles on his shoulders and thighs, and face painted in a pseudo-Indian design. Like many of the stars of the ‘80s, he was strictly a power guy, relying on clotheslines, punches, kicks, tackles, and the overhead gorilla press slam. Despite limited technical abilities, he captured the imaginations of fans who were used to the high-charisma, low-technical-skill matches of Hulk Hogan, who dominated the scene in the ‘80s.

I became a Warrior fan when he turned on Hulk Hogan, setting up WrestleMania VI. I despised Hogan for years, back in the days when wrestling was simpler and none of us had behind-the-scenes info, because he represented the right-wing, pro-war, pro-Jesus, flag-waving archetype I hated in real life. Nowadays I see the bigger picture, and look at Hogan as a great entertainer who worked the crowd extremely well. But then? I rooted for the villains, who seemed less hypocritical, and usually had more interesting personas. Warrior, unlike previous stars who had turned on Hogan, remained a good guy, and was the first person to cleanly defeat Hogan in five years. That made me very happy. Over the next months, I would occasionally find inspiration in the Warrior persona, adopting it for acting exercises and so on.

And then he disappeared for a while. No explanation was given. He would resurface again two more times, each shorter than the last, before doing a brief, disastrous run in WCW in the mid-‘90s. He tried to launch a comic book that was damn near incomprehensible to try and read. Then he launched a website full of unintelligible rants. Nowadays he’s a right-wing motivational speaker, who recently stirred up controversy by declaring that “Queering don’t make the world work.” A recent article on his site declared that fishing is great in new Orleans. Our heroes disappoint us sometimes.

The new WWE DVD was planned as a retrospective with or without Warrior’s participation. He was contacted, but also wanted to do his own DVD, which WWE owner Vince McMahon didn’t agree to. Warrior claims there was no attempt made to return his phone calls, and now this DVD comes out without his participation. Naturally, it’s one-sided. But to what extent?

As a retrospective, the disc includes 5 classic Warrior matches, 8 if you buy the special 2-disc set available exclusively at FYE. They include:

-Warrior’s WWF TV debut against Terry Gibbs
-His defeat of Honky Tonk Man (short match, but it made me aware of just how damn good Honky was at selling his opponent’s moves)
-The title match against Hulk Hogan (with Jesse Ventura’s commentary removed, as Ventura didn’t want to be part of a put-down video)
-A cage match with Rick Rude
-The retirement match against Randy Savage (whose retirement lasted about a year)

The FYE bonus matches include one against Hercules that goes longer than you’d expect, a Saturday Night’s Main Event against Sgt. Slaughter, culminating with the interference of a young and un-tattooed Undertaker, and the Summerslam ’92 title match against Randy Savage, with interference by Ric Flair and Mr. Perfect, shortly before Warrior left for the second time.

What the matches reveal is that, yes, Warrior was a limited wrestler, but he did have good instincts for telling a story in the ring, and making the battle look very physical. The vibe of the ‘80s and ‘90s matches should bring back memories for fans my age, as the commentaries, while lacking Jesse, make up for it with Lord Alfred Hayes, Bobby Heenan, Gorilla Monsoon, and Vince McMahon (Superstar Billy Graham’s commentary on SummerSlam ’88 still sucks, though).

To prove that Vince McMahon doesn’t yet own all wrestling footage everywhere, the DVD is sadly lacking in early warrior footage, from his days as Blade Runner Rock in the UWF and Mid-South, to his creation of the Dingo Warrior persona in Texas, which became the Ultimate Warrior in McMahon’s hands. The narrative follows his rise to prominence over Honky Tonk Man (HTM has his own issues with Vince, and thus is not interviewed here, though his manager Jimmy Hart, who is on good terms with WWE, should have been sought), to the feuds with Hulk Hogan, Rick Rude, Andre the Giant, and of course the notorious angle with Papa Shango, wherein the Warrior was “cursed,” puking on ring attendants and later having black ooze drip down his face.

There is almost nothing on the feud with the Undertaker. Based on what I know of ‘Taker, I’m guessing it’s for reasons similar to Ventura -- he’s a classy guy who doesn’t believe in taking cheap shots, or endorsing them. Not that the disc is necessarily a cheap shot in all areas, but it has the appearance of one for sure.

Curiously, and most likely coincidentally, all the current stars offering their thoughts on the DVD are Canadian. Christian, Edge, and Chris Jericho offer their perspective as fans who grew up on Warrior and Hogan. Edge, a dyed-in-the-wool Hulkamaniac, says that he hated the Warrior for turning on Hogan. Christian does a fairly hilarious impersonation. And Jericho is the only one to offer that Warrior tends to be underrated as a wrestler -- as I said earlier, he could carry a match, even if he didn’t use that many moves.

Some of the old-school stars who were competing with the WWF at the time seem like they’ve been biting their tongue for years, and are finally lashing out, on-the-record, at the ‘80s WWF style-over-substance product, but rather than focusing on Vince, who presumably created most of it, they’re putting it on the Warrior, who epitomized it. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are consistent in this, but Ric Flair is simply not credible, as his own autobiography takes shots at Bret Hart, a master technician, for having had a big ego despite “never drawing a dime.” Well, Ric, Warrior certainly drew in more than a dime, but wasn’t technically skilled, so which is it that matters? Make up your mind. Ric’s probably mad that when they were both in the WWF at the same time, warrior outdrew him.

It is hilarious to see montages of Warrior’s way-out-there interviews from the ‘80s, which are not unlike his way-out-there political rants now. It’s easy to make fun of in retrospect...and hell, it was easy to make fun of then, too. Remember, before Randy Savage, it was the Warrior who was snapping into Slim Jims. Making fun of him for being from “Parts Unknown” is silly, though...Warrior wasn’t the first or last wrestler with that “hometown.” Jim Hellwig, who has now legally changed his name to “Warrior” comes across as an egomaniacal nutcase not just on this DVD, but on his own website and in his comic books. Whether he is or not, who knows. But it’s a widespread perception that isn’t solely Vince McMahon’s fault. It should also be noted, however, that the only thing more ironic than having Ric Flair, Triple H, and Hulk Hogan slam the Warrior for being egomaniacal and inconsiderate would be having Bill Goldberg do the same. Like Warrior, Goldberg got pushed to the moon, but didn’t respect the business and became full of himself very quickly, though both are considerate to their fans.

So what about all the controversies raised on the DVD? Your honor, let’s review the charges:

1. Prior to the main event of SummerSlam ’91 (Warrior and Hogan versus Sgt. Slaughter, Col. Mustafa, and Gen. Adnan), Warrior demanded a pay raise and threatened not to perform if he didn’t get it. Vince agreed, then either suspended or fired Warrior right afterwards, depending on whom you believe. Warrior claims it was actually the culmination of a financial dispute that had been going on for months, and that Vince had been avoiding.

My verdict: GUILTY. Vince probably was ignoring a legitimate contract issue, but by holding up the match, Warrior was potentially screwing over his coworkers and the fans, which is a no-no.

2. Warrior sued Vince McMahon to retain the rights to his character name and likeness, even changing his legal name to ‘Warrior.’ Vince insists that the name change was simply a dodge to try and stack the deck in the lawsuit, and numerous talking heads opine, with some justification, that Warrior owed his success to Vince McMahon. Ric Flair acts like it’s outrageous for Warrior to sue, but things might be different of Vince tried to claim the rights to the name “Nature Boy,” say. Nowadays, Vince claims rights to trademarks he didn’t even originate, like the Dudley Boyz (by buying ECW, he got the rights). The newly renamed “Team 3D,” however, have struck me as newly invigorated now that they’re unable to rely on “trademarked” mannerisms.

My verdict: NOT GUILTY. The Warrior persona existed, fully-formed, back in the Texas days, with Vince’s principle contribution being the word “Ultimate.” Warrior’s legal name change wouldn’t hold up in court as proof of ownership; I could change my name to Ronald McDonald, but the estate of Ray Kroc wouldn’t have to give me a dime. More likely, the lines between the persona and the person are blurred for Mr. Warrior.

3. Triple H calls Warrior the most unprofessional man he’s ever worked with, for their match at WrestleMania 12. Warrior apparently insisted that the match would be quick, with him kicking out of Triple H’s finisher and then squashing him. Warrior claims he did this to protect his persona, and that Triple H quickly backed down from him on that day.

My verdict: Probably guilty, but pot, kettle, black, etc. Sentence is time served.

4. Vince belittles suggestions that Warrior’s series of no-shows in ’92 were due to his father dying, because Warrior hated his father and hadn’t seen him in ten years.

My verdict: NOT GUILTY. Even if you hate your father, death changes things, and it’s appropriate to show up to the funeral. You do have a responsibility to tell your employer what’s going on, but your employer should give you some leeway.

5. Bobby Heenan and Sgt. Slaughter tell amusing stories of how Slaughter and Andre had to legitimately hurt the Warrior a bit to get him to work a match correctly.

My verdict: I believe that about Andre; not so sure about Slaughter.

6. Warrior is accused of not appreciating the huge push he got, and not respecting the business.

My verdict: GUILTY. Warrior publicly spits on the business whenever he can, and seems to assume it was his God-given right to be top star, whereas guys like Steve Austin and Bret Hart actually worked their way up from the bottom over many years. Andre the Giant didn’t let anybody beat him for 14 years, but he put Hogan over, and he put Warrior over. For all his ego, even Hogan appreciates that. Warrior doesn’t.

I wish Vince had shelled out some bucks to obtain the “Queering don’t make the world work” footage - it would have been a great ending. In all, the DVD is a very unusual retrospective, but for fans of the persona who’ve lost respect for the actual man over the years, it’s the perfect keepsake.

Posted by LYT at 5:38 PM | Comments (2)

LYTrules.com IS THREE YEARS OLD

Doing the nostalgic thing this year was a little harder than in years past. I had actually forgotten just how difficult the past 12 months were.

12 months ago, I was on Paxil and hating it. Six months ago, I was about to die. Pain and Suffering isn't just a line of dialogue in MAD COWGIRL, or a mere film project -- it's a way to measure the year.

Minor humiliations like speed-dating also come up.

But by the same token, this may have been the best year ever for the site itself. We brought you set reports from MAD COWGIRL, THE LOST, and ROMAN. We got a press club "Honorable Mention" award. Most importantly, this site served as a rallying point and source of information when I was deathly ill.

We even helped midwife the birth of at least two new sites: Pererro and Justin Stone's Creekbed. And the Cafepress store took merchandising to the next level.

We switched to Movable Type, and unfortunately lost a few posts in the process, but the benefits far outweigh the debits.

I didn't make out with a single woman in the past year (nor a married one, smartass).

Keep reading for a compilation of some of my favorite lines from the past year in LYTrules.

Damn Zach Braff for doing what I probably would have done: "As director and star, Braff certainly has the prerogative to say, "If I have to make out with a chick onscreen, it's gonna be Natalie Portman." But as a storyteller, I think he should have the responsibility to present Sam honestly -- come to think of it, her hairdo's way too fancy as well. She really should have beads in there somewhere."

Who says I never support conservatives? "On September 11, for a brief moment, I was glad we had Ashcroft. This guy, I thought, was a pugnacious, demented, humorless, pseudo-fascist son of a bitch, but by God we were gonna turn him loose on the bad guys, and there'd be hell to pay. Instead, he's had people infiltrate peace protest groups, gone after medical marijuana and assisted suicide with a vengeance, failed to charge any of the prisoners in Guantanamo (some of whom have committed suicide), amended the PATRIOT act late at night after a draft had been approved in order to add more sweeping powers that few would have time to read up on, oh, and by the way, has not prosecuted a single terrorist under the PATRIOT act."

Laugh it up, fuzzballs: "It's interesting to see middle-aged conservatives -- who probably penalize their children for using bad language -- cheering the barrage of profanity from Penn Jillette in Michael Moore Hates America, or the date-rape jokes by Ann Coulter in Is It True What They Say About Ann?"

Republican Earth-2: "In this new reality, definitive links have been proven between Iraq and 9-11, John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon are both sell-outs for signing treaties with the Soviets, Reagan's SDI program that never worked (and still doesn't) brought the USSR to its knees, and American universities are all in the hands of Maoists and Stalinists."

Loner or Boner? "I can still get emotionally and intellectually aroused, but the body can't back it up. I think there may be a correlation between arousal and tension. Of course there's also one between tension and depression. So you win some, you lose some. Which is better to lose? If I stay on this stuff, who knows -- maybe I'll actually start answering some of those spam emails. You know the ones I mean."

Ruby, don't take your death to town: "Ruby [LaRocca] told me she took this role because the manner in which she dies is the only way she has not yet been killed onscreen. I asked which was the worst way to go, and she said it was hanging, because the harness digs into your legs and gets painful."

Ambushes from six sides: "Greg asked me to bring coffee and donuts, which I did, but I have some advice to all future people who may make such requests, as well as anyone tempted to say yes to such things. Large orders of coffee and donuts should only be delivered in cars containing at least one passenger. You can't drive and keep six cups of coffee steady at the same time."

Speaking Too Soon, Part 1: "In other news: Gregory Hatanaka's next film, formerly called AMBUSH FROM ALL SIDES, is now back to being called NO REGRETS."

Mel Gibson's mixed passions: "Mel's most telling quote: "I hope I'm right. If I'm not, hey, bring on the harem and cocaine!" Typical willful ignorance of the religious wrong -- that and all else he says imply that the only reason to be good is fear of punishment, which seems like a terrible philosophy to live under."

Information you never wanted to know: ""In the gay community it's called a cum-catcher!" -- actor/publicist Mickey Cottrell on his new 'soul patch' goatee."

Bush is not like you, ya dumb rednecks! "Having lived in red states, I have this to say to the average red-state Bush voter: Do you enjoy your secret collection of porno mags? Your Grand Theft Auto video games? Your gangsta rap CDs? Your R-rated action movie DVDS? That dime-bag of weed you scored from your buddy at work? The occasional shot of Jack Daniels? The fact that you can buy condoms to keep you from impregnating your girlfriend?
Enjoy 'em while you can. The guy you just voted for, who has undoubtedly enjoyed most of those same indulgences, would like nothing more than to take them from you."

See, I can be fair sometimes: "If Bush finally wins the popular and electoral at the end of all this, I will stop calling him an unelected fraud. I will, however, keep calling him a fucknut. I will also briefly consider leaving the country, but probably not do so. Loving your country, to me, is a bit like loving a wife. Sickness and health, joy and sorrow, etc., unless she literally, willfully, and specifically tries to destroy your life, in which case you consider divorce."

The American Dream according to Jim Sheridan, as understood by LYT: "I'm not sure I can entirely groove to the notion that an Irish Catholic family's problems are all solved as the result of a noble-savage-type black man dying for them. Hey, next time I'm grieving over a dead family member, I guess all I have to do is find a member of the Zulu nation with AIDS, so he can give me the proper catharsis and leave me all his money."

1-800-ENUFF-ALREADY: "Does anyone out there think David Arquette is frightening? Not "It's a scary world we live in when people keep hiring David Arquette" frightening; really, really terrifying, as in "Run! David Arquette's coming to kill you!" No? What about if he had a little bit of Halloween make-up on his face, and dark circles around his eyes to make him look dead -- still nothing?"

Dubious Racial Remarks, Part 1: "Condi strikes me as both insufferably corrupt and incompetent (you go, Barbara Boxer!), but still, it's good for society that we're at a point where a black woman can be as awful as any white guy and still get the job."

Does the movie have large talons? "Those who dismiss the film as crude mockery might prefer the standard sentimentalized nerd movie in which the hero is really good looking and capable, and none of his problems are ever really his fault, but real nerds aren't like that -- they often are obnoxious, passive-aggressive, and everything else that's abrasive about Napoleon. The thing is, it's possible to love them in spite of that, or even because of it."

Get it? Because Michael Moore's a Super-Sized person! "Just one question: How come Michael Moore's able to survive on pretty much the same diet that nearly killed [Morgan]Spurlock?"

Ain't no grace here: "Oh, and MARIA FULL OF SHIT, er, I mean GRACE, is possibly the biggest fraud pulled over critics eyes that I can think of. Proof that PC ideas can sometimes matter more than plot, character, believability and so on. If you're that easily impressed by scenes of a hot young girl forced to swallow painfully large objects, go rent a porno."

Speaking Too Soon, Part 2: "The first poster for THE WOODS is almost ready to go, from what I understand. I wouldn't be surprised to see a trailer within the next month or so."

So far, still true: "MAD COWGIRL is just the latest in a series of titles for Gregory Hatanaka's current project, previously known as UNTITLED, NO REGRETS, AMBUSHES FROM 10 SIDES, TOTAL RAIN, etc. This should be the final title, since it's on IMDB and crew shirts have been printed (pic when I get mine)."

Maybe that's why she opted for euthanasia onscreen: "Funny that Hilary Swank has two Oscars, for two great performances, but her work in most other movies SUCKS ASS."

Sodas rule! "Coke, Mountain Dew, Dr. P...they may be based upon something in theory, but they don't really taste like anything that occurs in nature, which is why they kick the collective ass of Sprite and 7up, which are flavored like actual lemons and limes."

Which is it, ladies? "The most common "advice" I get is "be yourself." The second most common advice I get more or less boils down to "don't be yourself." (change your interests, change your appearance, etc.)"

Wait...Did I really say that I have fans? ""LYT" is to be pronounced aloud as "ell-why-tee," not "lit" or "light" (though my fans are called LYTerati, and that would be pronounced "literati." And I can't stop you from saying it any way you want, but this is the right way.) Same reason the patriarch of the Ewing family is called "J.R.", pronounced "Jay Are," not "Jurrr." "

Dead Aim: "Regarding Ms. Schiavo, I don't really think it's the federal government's business one way or the other. And I can't take President Fucky McFucknuts seriously on "culture of life" issues since he's shown a penchant for executing the retarded, and consented to the torture of Arabs before they've even been charged. I wish this much concern were shown by Republicans for every single person on life support whose family can't afford it."

Revenge of the Nerds: "Where have my friends who will "never make it anywhere" at the time ended up? Well, one became a special ed teacher and just published a book about his experiences. One continued to make music, and scored a couple of notable films. Oh, and there was the guy who directed those films, you know, Lucky something-or-other."

Sounds like a great premise for a movie, right? "In previous weeks, we had shot footage of Walter Koenig in white priestly robes loudly delivering the speech "There will always be pain and suffering in the world! There will always be evil! There is but one answer for these lost and confused times, and that is...Jesus Christ. Jesus CHRIST! JESUS CHRIST!" Doing my best Walter voice, I delivered this so-called prayer. (Walter really does have a trace of an Eastern European accent, btw, just not as strong as Chekov.) Greg can be like a younger sibling, in that when something pleases him, he'll want it again and again and again. So on every single set-up, he asked me to deliver this "prayer" again, and now seems determined to shoot me delivering it in every location. The crew are sick of it already, I think."

Why I don't usually date actresses: "Like most actresses, Sarah has a tiny little dog. Like many tiny little dogs, it has a bit of a Napoleon complex."

Dubious Racial remarks, Part 2: "I'm not entirely comfortable with hands on my throat, but Yoko told me to think of it as an Asian massage. I admit I was thinking that, but figure it would be racist if I said it."

Most action I got all year: "Finally, I get to sit in a throne and chill, with the nun on my lap. She starts caressing me, rubbing my head, playing the lover...it's getting arousing. But I can't let myself get aroused, if for no other reason than that sitting on my lap will get uncomfortable for her in more ways than one if I do. Some men would think of baseball at times like this. I choose to think of Bill Margold."

I always wondered how gay people put up with it: "If you've never learned anything from the movies, you will take home at least one nugget of wisdom from Ethan Mao: 'Taking it up the ass is not as bad as you think.'"

Okay, here comes the hospital-related stuff: "If you think the regular smells of bodily emmissions are bad, try to imagine what it would be like if all your secretions smelled like household chemicals. Minus lemon-freshness, of course."

Geek Hallucinations: "I wake up in the night fearing that an episode of South Park has been rigged as an elaborate trap to put my mind into a feedback loop, or that I'm arguing with the paintings on the walls that they can't be Catholic because they don't have 12" figures of themselves, but then they tell me about Obi-Wan Kenobi and General Grievous' bodyguard, and the painting hanging over me drips blood on me, but in a friendly way, you understand. I know when I awake that I have to head down the hall, because there I will find Buzz Bunny (yes, Buzz, the new extreeeeme version of Bugs)."

Why comic books are bullshit: "As part of the CAT, you have to drink a radioactive milkshake (which ought to turn you into a superhero named SHAKEMAN!, but doesn't). Most people hate that part, but I was so dehydrated, and consciously not given anything in case I needed surgery, so it actually tasted good to me."

Why TV shows are bullshit: "That girl, I heard her say she has a big welt mark on her chest from me punching her," he told the cops, "Can you have your CSI guys do a DNA test on that or something?"
"No sir, they don't really do that."

So trust me, I know pain: "I have heard, as have you most likely, that people in great pain pass out. I wished myself capable of that on Sunday. This was worse pain than testicular surgery recovery, worse than back tattooing, worse than the time I once poured salt in a wound that wouldn't stop bleeding."

Yes, but "Flibbidy Gibbity Hibbidy" is actually an invocation to the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl: "My roommate in hospital was an older black man named Mr. Harris, barely above Terry Schiavo in his ability to move or operate his body. He could make noises, and if you were careful some could be understood. The one sassy black nurse, though, just tried to get a rise out of him. Every time he'd say something, she'd just respond "Flibbidy hibbidy gibbidy! That's what you sound like -- flibbidy hibbidy gibbidy!" She'd watch the daytime soaps with him, which meant I had to by default. We each had our own TV, but no way to tune out the other's."

More stuff you didn't want to know: "You ever have that feeling where you know you need to burp, but can't quite make it happen without retching up a little stomach stuff, only you know that immediately afterwards you're gonna hiccup and then the burp will come? You become very, very aware of this when each hiccup feels like a rabbit punch to the ribs. You try to pre-empt it each time, with varying degrees of success."

Fuck those other people in my field: "For many critics, the biggest revelation seems to be that ten-year olds are articulate and smart. That's because many critics are unmarried and have no kids. Their exposure to kids comes in the form of kiddie movies that, being filtered through the minds of cynical adults, don't exactly portray the young 'uns accurately. My six-year-old brother is smarter than most movie tots."

And my six-year-old brother has the best catchphrase, too: "If HIIIM...and HIIIM...If dey fighted...Whowouldwin?"

Francisco Franco would have known this: "Just so that I don’t neglect anyone’s needs here, let me just say that the large framed photo of Dostoevsky that adorns the wall of the apartment rented by [actor James] Franco-as-Harry, along with the Dostoevsky quotes and Dostoevsky-esque story are clearly inspired by the works of Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky. Subtlety is a trait Franco the actor has, but not one he has any conception of as a director."

Never overestimate my taste: ""They're Japanese pop stars!" he said, disgustedly. "It's like seeing a movie with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera." Little did he know he was talking to the one unabashed fan of CROSSROADS in the hizzouse."

Why you shouldn't give rides to Homo Hobos: "I'm not a dick most of the time, and I didn't really have anything against him, and felt he had been screwed over. He also was not gonna go away. So I offered him a ride to wherever he needed to go. He wouldn't tell me where, but said he'd show me. Then he said he wanted me to go score some crack with him. Then he begged me to let him suck my dick."

...where at least I know I'm free: "Being patriotic to me means not being in denial about what this country is, which is -- essentially -- a big, beautiful mess. Even with right wing governmental control, we are still not, and never will be, a nation of button-down straight-arrow Christian Conservatives. We like our porn and beer and rock 'n' roll way too much, and that's part of what I love."

Spoiled critic whines about his pampered job, again: "think about me getting up early on a Saturday morning, driving across town in work-zone congested traffic for about 45 minutes, finding a parking lot, paying cash upfront, and then having to sit through a movie in which Martin Lawrence plays a basketball coach saddled with a losing team of mostly white kids. And not just sit through, but sit through attentively."

TomKat doesn't just mean Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes... "As for the extremely heterosexual motion picture thespian known as Tom Cruise, the movie provides a new explanation for his recent public behavior. Cruise, who likes chicks, plays a crane operator named Ray, who's a bit of a jerk and a nutcase, prone to talking over people, acting impulsively, and being really judgmental. Is it possible the actor, who definitely does not pound ass, is simply still in character, unable to break from Steven's excellent direction? Maybe."

The Tomkat theater marquee may read 'Whore of the Worlds' one of these days: "There's no love interest for Ray, but you shouldn't doubt that if there were one, they'd totally have a shitload of heterosexual chemistry. Tom Cruise gets to cry some in order to prove he's a good actor."

Let's just save you all a lot of net-surfing right now: "Shorter version of Almost Every Semi-Famous Blogger: I'm not a Republican, I'm an independent, because I think gay marriage and stem-cell reseearch are okay. Besides that, I agree with George W. Bush on everything, and the people who don't are pathetic sheep beholden to a useless ideology. Also they're hateful, unlike me."

I suffer in hopes that you don't have to: "Yet ANOTHER fucking hospital bill in the mail today, this one for $900. If you're ever deathly ill, try not to let it happen on a weekend or at night, because that costs extra. Seriously. By a lot."

There isn't any joke in this one: "Why do children's books have to teach horrible life lessons about losing innocence -- can't they just be fun?"

Speaking Too Soon, Part 3: "Bruce Campbell still thinks THE WOODS is coming out this fall."

Boo hoo! "War makes children cry, but you know what else does? Not getting candy. Having to do homework. Any task that's hard. Frankly, it's pretty easy to make a kid cry."

Would you say that Everyone Hates Darren? "Darren Aronofsky sounds like Ray Romano when he talks. I am still not convinced that he doesn't suck."

It's funny if you pay attention: "Imagine if someone decided to remake A Nightmare on Elm Street as a romantic drama about the dating woes of Heather Langenkamp, with a brief side-tangent about a slightly unpleasant but dapper fellow named Fred Krueger who wears velvet gloves and has a perfect complexion. That kind of bastardization is more or less what Disney, director Walter Salles, and screenwriter Rafael Yglesias have done to Hideo Nakata’s masterpiece."

Dead Can, Dunce! "DON'T MESS WITH A CLASSIC THEME! Especially if you're just going to replace it with the by-now cliched Lisa Gerrard style tragedy-chant nonsense that's used on everything nowadays. "Hiiii-ya....yoooooah hey-ya-hahhhhh!" Shut up! Why are you trying to sound Arabian, for fuck's sake? This is outer space!"

The best abstinence program: "if you're an ultra-rightie, isn't it a good thing not to get laid? Shouldn't you be encouraging Sci-fi fandom if you really think it means people who don't have sex?"

Critic gets straight to the point: "Boy, that Jessica Biel sure is hot. And, boy, those videogames sure are fun. So, if you like Jessica Biel and videogames, go see Stealth"

Dubious Racial Remarks, Part 3: "This may sound racist, but so be it: A movie about rednecks should not be directed by someone named "Jay Chandrasekhar.""

You people cared WAAAY too much about this: "And then I found out that "Mountain Dew Energy Drink" is actually plain old American Mountain Dew. But under new standards, it has to be classified differently. It cannot be served in a soda fountain, because caffeine over a certain amount is considered a medical ingredient, labeled as such along with directions that it may be used to treat fatigue. I shit thee not."

Dubious Racial Remarks, Part 4: "Two things quickly became clear. One, his English wasn't good. And two, even aside from that, he was an idiot. Not only could he not find downtown on a map, he couldn't even figure out where his own store was."

Night of the living dead crustacean: "So I suck in the insides, inhaling and inadvertently swallowing half the lobster's brain whole. It still isn't dead. It doesn't die even when I separate the brain from the lungs -- the mandibles keep moving, and the lungs keep trying to breathe. Only when I've eaten the entire brain does the movement stop."

Of course they love criminals -- they're Leftists! "Canada loves having criminals as citizens. In an odd twist of law, Mike McKee was denied a work permit here, due to some arrests from his younger days...unless he agreed to become a temporary Canadian citizen for one year."

If Michael Moore and Lars von Trier fighted, whowouldwin? "Whatever you may think of Michael Moore, he is an American, and he has some understanding of his own culture and the perspective to make fun of it. Von Trier just makes shit up, and it shows."

What? No lip-synching jokes? "Ashlee's better at acting and singing than her more famous sister Jessica, but that's no great feat; might as well add that she'd make a better brain surgeon, too."

Why I'll never be invited to dinner by Joss Whedon: "a functional line like “pass the salt” would probably be rewritten by Whedon as something like “I’m hankering for some seasoning on my sustenance -- might you morph it over my side?”"

That was the year that was, folks. Here's to the next 12.

Posted by LYT at 1:30 AM | Comments (2)

October 17, 2005

Ain't It Late?

So Harry Knowles would "love to hear more about this film, THE LOST and several others"

Seems to me there was quite a lengthy and thorough piece on that movie...right here.

Not to mention a set report last year (alas, 2/3 of that got lost in the blog transfer, but you can read part one HERE)

Help Harry out and let him know that all the info he needs has been posted.

Posted by LYT at 4:01 PM | Comments (1)

Throw a Stone in the Creek

Almost three years after I told him he should get one, site regular Justin Stone now has a literary blog.

It's probably not like any other blog you've ever read, but it definitely should join the others in your rotation.

Posted by LYT at 1:28 PM | Comments (7)

Who'd have thought?

Pious scold Rev. Tom Carder of CAPalert actually has a sense of humor. I give him his props for this:

"Attendance at the showing in which I viewed the film was apparently a true representative of the modern target age stratum of 13 and up. In almost every row the back of almost every seat was humbly supported with the feet of the person behind it, thus preventing possible injury should the seat back fail to support its occupant. Some seat backs were thoughtfully prevented from floating its occupant away by feet atop the seat back. One child was thoughtful enough to test the structural integrity the walls of the entrance to the auditorium by kicking them many times as he dutifully answered his calling while entering the auditorium."

seriously, read the whole thing. It's toward the end of his review for The Fog remake.

Posted by LYT at 1:20 AM | Comments (4)

October 16, 2005

Partied Hardy

Seems like I barely got to speak to a lot of my guests last night. Being a decent host keeps you busy, always. I suppose I could have just told people to get their own drinks, but that doesn't seem very nice. They can do that in their own homes.

Those who stay late get to socialize more. I was a little bummed that Ed and Angela couldn't make it for various professional reasons -- they're hardly ever in town, and the timing of this party was in part to coincide with their time here. I know many of you wanted to meet them, too, but one day it'll happen.

Anyway, if you feel like I neglected you, I apologize -- it was nothing personal, just spreading myself thin. And I think most people got to go home with some kind of "door prize" or other.

At any rate, we were not lacking for visual entertainment, what with the Ultimate Warrior "Self-Destruction" DVD that makes for pretty hilarious entertainment even if you have no knowledge of '80s wrestling.

My neighbors seemed to get irritable over the smokers hanging outside, but they displayed it in an odd way, by banging loudly on the inside of their own front door, when opening that door just a tad and saying "Please keep it down" would have worked. But they got their revenge today, having a kids party and playing loud mariachi music after me not having slept all night. I need a frakkin' back porch for the addicts. But first, a lot of money must be made.

Things wound down around 4, and I was no longer feeling drunk, but queasy. Not "I'm gonna puke" queasy, but just enough so that I couldn't relax and get to sleep. And then after I managed about 6 hours, the damn mariachi (with a thumping bass, curiously enough, which was the real issue).

Saw the new version of The Fog today (I was paid; what's your excuse?) and will watch the original for the first time shortly. There's a good amount of whiskey, beer, and vodka still in teh hizzouse, so if anyone feels like stopping by this week, it could be fun...

Oh, and the actual blog-a-versary day is Tuesday. I'll do my usual best-of-year post then.

Posted by LYT at 9:52 PM | Comments (3)

New merch in the store.

Ronald Reagan and Elvis had to be dead. But you can buy the perfectly legal LYT postage stamp now.

Also, the brand new LYTrules.com calendar for 2006 is here! Featuring fan-favorite images of Faggio, live lobster sashimi, Virginia, Vancouver, Comicon, and some in-character stills of LYT in LOST IN THE BUSH and ROMAN.

click the pic below for more.

If you have the '05 calendar, it's a collector's item now. No more will be made.

Great party last night, everyone.

Posted by LYT at 4:16 PM | Comments (3)

October 15, 2005

I don't wanna grow up...

I was buying fresh meat today at the butcher department of the grocery store, and this one guy in front of me was taking forever. He had like six different packages of meat in his hand, but wanted more, and kept asking the only butcher guy on duty stuff. No awareness that there was anyone else waiting for meat too.

"Between these two, which is better?"
"Okay, but if it could be one out of these three, which would you recommend?"
"Are these two tastier than these two?"
"Which would you buy?"

And all I could think of was: "If him, and him...If they fighted...Whowouldwin?"

Posted by LYT at 5:29 PM | Comments (3)

October 14, 2005

Webmaster #2, Brian, is in surgery

Not sure the exact time, but it's about now, I think. Hernia operation, which unfortunately is something he's susceptible to.

Post-surgery periods suck no matter what. So our best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Posted by LYT at 7:00 PM | Comments (6)

Action Figure Art (click title to view)

"I Beheld A Pale Rider" (unretouched)

"I Beheld A Pale Rider" (retouched)

"Buddha Loves Hooters" (unretouched)

"Buddha Loves Hooters" (retouched)

Posted by LYT at 5:49 PM | Comments (1)

If you're in L.A. the night of Nov. 1...

...I have a pretty strong recommendation as to what you should do.

Dunno if I'll be in town or not yet.

Posted by LYT at 1:21 AM | Comments (8)

Would mandatory viewing of The Seventh Seal remedy this?

Pretty fucking sad, if accurate.

Posted by LYT at 12:28 AM | Comments (8)

A Close Shave?

If you have any strong opinions as to which facial hair configuration works best for me, be sure to take the poll. Female opinions are more heavily weighted.

Posted by LYT at 12:24 AM | Comments (0)

October 13, 2005

Just for fun

Periodically, it's amusing to see what people were searching for when they come here.

The top twenty for October so far:

1 attila-
2 wwe theme music
3 batista theme
4 leatherface
5 saliva unleashed
6 meet the fuckers t-shirt
7 batista's theme song
8 undertaker
9 batista theme music
10 batista theme song
11 orlando jordan
12 unleashed saliva
13 funny videos
14 batista's theme music
15 lollipop girls
16 saliva - unleashed
17 cowgirl pics
18 kathleen robertson
19 lytrules
20 3-d porn

I don't know what the "attila" thing is about, but it's amazing how consistent everything else is.

What continues to surprise me is that the Message Board, not the blog, is consistently the most popular part of the site, even though it's dead more often than not nowadays.

Posted by LYT at 5:46 PM | Comments (7)

Two for the money

This week's review will be of interest to those who care about the writing process.

As you know, I review movies for two different publications. As both my editors know the kinds of movies I'm well-versed in, and try to please me, I often end up reviewing the same movies for both, but I have to make the reviews different, because they pay me for original content.

Normally, this isn't a huge deal. I rarely go very long for CityBeat, so coming up with 200 or so words that I didn't use for New Times isn't so hard. But this week, I got the main feature review at CityBeat, which has only happened once before. (As a side note, CityBeat's cover this week is the first cover of anything ever to refer to me as "LYT," which is awesome.)

So this week I ended up writing two different long reviews for the same movie, which was a challenge to say the least. Oftentimes, reviews take a few hours to write -- this pair took me a whole day. As you'll see, the sentiment is the same -- my opinion of the film doesn't change, after all -- but different editors favor different emphasis.

The 1400 word CityBeat review of DOMINO is HERE

The 800-word New Times review of DOMINO is HERE

I don't really want you guys to get into which one is better or worse -- both pay the bills, and I don't want either publication to feel they're getting less, since I worked equally hard on both. But check them both out to get possibly the most complete picture I've ever given on an individual movie.

Posted by LYT at 12:23 AM | Comments (10)

October 12, 2005

What's the Matters, you?

New to the lower right-hand margin of this blog is a Media Matters for America news box, which will have regularly updated headlines.

Media Matters exist to catalogue outrageous statements by right-wingers in the media and fact-check them. If you argue with conservatives a lot, it's extremely useful.

Having this box on the site will, I hope, be a resource for readers, but also free me up from having to talk about some of that stuff when I can just direct you to the source.

And if you happen to be right-wing and can stand this site anyway, the Media Matters box is low enough on the page that you don't have to look at it. Everybody wins.

Posted by LYT at 8:21 PM | Comments (12)

What's the deal on the seal?

I just watched Bergman's SEVENTH SEAL for the first time. It's well done, a decent movie, but...what's the huge hype on it?

I like the idea of playing chess with death. Obviously, many other film-makers do too. LAST ACTION HERO and BILL AND TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY are but two of the films that have riffed on it.

I get the parallels between then and now. The crisis of faith. The hope that religious superstition will disappear.

But still...Verhoeven's FLESH AND BONE and Monty Python's HOLY GRAIL movie make the same points more effectively, no? I guess you could argue they wouldn't exist without THE SEVENTH SEAL, but still, that doesn't make them inferior.

It's good, but is it great? I'm not yet convinced. We don't even get to see the final checkmate.

Posted by LYT at 3:46 AM | Comments (4)

October 10, 2005

My TV moves on

Yes, the TV shown here. I got rid of it today.

The TV was a 1987 model, and I'm sure it was amazing for the time. No remote, but a big screen by the standards of the era. I can carry it unassisted, but not far.

My college roommate Colin brought it to USC. After two years living together, I offered him $100 for both TV and VCR (the VCR, which occasionally ate videotapes at inconvenient times, finally bit the big one when my apartment flooded two years ago).

The TV set lasted me through three different apartments since college. But a couple of years ago, it developed a weird short in the on/off/volume switch. Occasionally, the set would switch off, and in order to turn it back on, you'd have to rotate the on/off/volume swith back to where it was just about to click off, then hold it right there, on the edge of off-clicking, until the picture stabilized and held. I got around this problem initially by leaving teh TV on and just turning the power strip off, but sometimes it would still do the thing anyway.

And sometimes when the short would happen, simply turning the TV back on worked, but that could be brief. Sometimes, after you'd turn the knob back to the brink of off-clicking, you'd have to immediately jack it all the way back to maximum volume.

Why put up with this? Because I don't watch lots of TV. The shows I do watch are important. New TVs cost money, and are heavy. Old TVs are also heavy.

But when my friend Ed moved out of state, he decided to sell everything he owned. I said I wanted his TV. He said $50. I was definitely okay with that.

And then appendicitis struck. Ed moved. I figured my TV was gone. About a month later he told me he had left it for me at the apartment of our mutual friend Chris. This was in May. Chris is hard to nail down sometimes. I just got the new TV last week. Being able to control volume by remote is amazing.

But what of the old set? I wanted to take Max's suggestion and break it in a movie. But I have a party coming up, and the set takes up too much room to keep around. Today I drove it to Goodwill.

"Hi, I want to donate my TV"
"Does it work?"
"Well, it does, but there's this weird short in the on/off switch"
"What's that mean? It doesn't work."
"No, no, it does...It just turns off sometimes, and you have to turn the switch all the way down..."
"Take it around to the side door, and I'll take a look"

I went to my car, and then a black guy missing half his teeth waved his arms at me and said "Hey boss, can I take it?"

I thought he might be homeless, and wondered what he'd do with the TV. But since the Goodwill guy seemed skeptical, I thought, why not?

"I can't let him see me" said Toothless Man, of the Goodwill Guy. I guess Toothless Guy probably hangs out in the parking lot trying to snag donated stuff before Goodwill can.

I show him the TV. "Are you sure you want it? It's old."
"I can put this in my house" he says.
So I tell him about the on/off switch.
"Oh, it turns off sometimes?" He doesn't seem that bothered. "Is the color good though?"

I assure him it is. He takes it. I look back at the Goodwill Guy, and go, "Hey, he wants it." I was sorry to make Goodwill Guy raise the big steel shutter for me, but since I wasn't sure he'd take the thing anyway, I go with the sure thing.

Toothless Guy may try to resell it, but anyone buying electronics from him deserves what they get.

Posted by LYT at 4:33 PM | Comments (9)

Make Smurfs, not war

Belgian public service announcements against war feature the Smurfs being murdered in an air raid.

While I appreciate the use of irony, I think this is a terrible thing to do. I speak from some experience -- as a kid, I remember all too well when children's author Raymond Briggs decided to put two previously beloved characters into a book about nuclear war. It has been so ingrained in my subconscious since the age of six that I still have bad dreams about it.

The commercial airs after 9pm, but still, it's the Smurfs. If a kid happens to be watching TV at that hour, and, let's say, a sex scene comes on, parents know to change the channel. If they don't know about this ad, and tell their kids, "Hey, look, Smurfs!" kids will watch and not be prepared. I see no reason why more generic cartoon characters couldn't make the point.

Maybe the point is just that we talk about it, in which case, mission accomplished.

Posted by LYT at 3:37 PM | Comments (9)

Happy Thanksgiving, Eh?

To all my Canadian readers. This also seems like the right time to wrap up the Vancouver stuff.

The harbor is very photgenic, as you might imagine.

In trying to take a self-portrait against the harbor backdrop, I forgot I had the zoom on...

Here's take 2:

I mentioned Stanley Park before, which makes up about half of the Vancouver peninsula. It's where the aquarium is, but there are other sights too, like this replica figurehead from an early Japanese ship.

and this sculpture called "Girl in a bathing suit"

Then there are the totem poles. You'd think they were historical artifacts or something, but no. Most are by contemporary artists recreating the old style.

"Check it out, Beavis! That dude's got a boner!"

What would a trip to Canada be without Canadian geese?

Giant prehistoric-looking motherfuckers from the amazon:

Hungry seal eating some tree

Senor McKee, plum tuckered out:

Posted by LYT at 3:00 PM | Comments (2)

GO SEE WALLACE AND GROMIT!

I feel no need to review the movie, because all that needs to be said is that it's as close to perfect as movies get.

Go see it! Now!

Posted by LYT at 2:49 PM | Comments (10)

October 8, 2005

Wingnuts on parade

Shorter DR. TED BAEHR: Every time liberals say mean things about Sen. Joe McCarthy, it makes the Baby Jesus cry.

Shorter ULTIMATE WARRIOR: If all you overweight darkies won't stop having kids, you deserve to die in a hurricane.

Posted by LYT at 2:41 AM | Comments (3)

October 7, 2005

Best idea for a hooded sweatshirt I've ever seen

Lucha libre, baby!

Posted by LYT at 3:38 PM | Comments (2)

October 6, 2005

Reviews of the week (and weeks past)

First, the long one:

"Waiting ... begins with a drunken party and ends at almost exactly the same place. The script ignores the standard "three-act" formula, with little structure and virtually no character arcs. Many of the dilemmas that are established never pay off, and there is no clear protagonist or antagonist. To make matters even murkier, the movie is poorly shot in visually uninteresting locations with constant soft focus.
That said, it's also damn funny. Clearly inspired by Clerks and Office Space, it's worthy to stand alongside them as a new classic of the "sucky job" subgenre."

Full review HERE

click "More" below for a whole bunch of quick takes, recent and not-so-recent...

THE GOSPEL
With the success of The Fighting Temptations and the godawful Diary of a Mad Black Woman, it seems that the African-American gospel movie is becoming quite the viable cinematic subgenre. This latest entry deals with a “prodigal son” of sorts, a raunchy R&B star named David Taylor (Boris Kodjoe) who fled the church following his mother’s death, furious at his preacher father (Clifton Powell) for focusing more on ministry than family. But now dad’s dying, and his likely successor is David’s now-egomaniacal childhood friend (Idris Elba). Can David rediscover his Christianity in time to redeem himself and everyone around him? Well, what do you think -- the movie isn’t called The R&B. Liberally interspersed are new numbers from contemporary Gospel musician Kirk Franklin, and unless you’re a big fan of his, you may find these interludes too frequent. The acting’s pretty decent, so if this kind of thing floats your boat, you’re far better off seeing it than supporting any of Tyler Perry’s nonsense.

ONCE UPON A WEDDING
A would-be modern-day fairy tale that looks like a soap opera, Matia Karrell’s movie is pleasant but not much more. Set on a Caribbean island ruled by a benevolent but clueless Commandante (A. Martinez), it’s the story of his spoiled rich daughter (Charlotte Ayanna) and her eye-opening experiences when she meets a guy (Kuno Becker) from the poor side of the island. That the “poor” side looks no worse off than the “rich,” or that the various inhabitants of this small island never seem to encounter one another, is a big part of the problem here. The women are beautiful and the men handsome; if this were a porno, it’d be worth checking out, but as romantic comedy, it offers nothing novel, except a blind gypsy woman with a pet goat who occasionally propels the story forward with a magic spell when logic won’t suffice. Martinez is amusing, but that’s about it.

MOBSTERS AND MORMONS
The title says it all. Mobster Carmine Pasquale (Mark DeCarlo) gets caught following a botched heist, and agrees to testify against his boss. Into the witness protection program he goes...and ends up in small-town Utah where he and his family are known as “the Cheesemans.” Mildly, inoffensively wacky hijinks ensue. Writer-director John E. Moyers is known in the LDS community for scripting The Singles Ward (an LDS acquaintance calls that movie “Airplane! for Mormons”), and undoubtedly his fans will enjoy the gentle humor here, provided they aren’t offended by mild epithets like “crap” and “P.O.’ed.” As the pious neighbor who welcomes the newcomers, Scott Christopher -- who seems to appear in every LDS movie ever made -- is saddled with some unfortunate physical shtick, but gets a good chemistry going with DeCarlo. Those outside the Mormon fold may be mystified by some of the running jokes -- just what is the big deal about scrapbooks to these people?

VENOM
Sadly, this movie has nothing to do with either the ‘80s metal band or the symbiotically clad Spider-Man foe; instead, it’s an ill-timed slasher set during the rainy season in a Louisiana bayou. When a well-meaning but badly scarred trucker (Rick Cramer) tries to rescue a voodoo woman from a car accident, he inadvertently ends up opening her magic briefcase filled with evil CGI snakes containing the sins of various dead people. Naturally, they bite him and he becomes a zombiefied mass of walking evil, stalking and killing the local teens with a crowbar. Notable among those who oppose him are the voodoo woman’s granddaughter Cece (Meagan Good) and local burger waitress Eden (Agnes Bruckner). Supposedly based on a video game called Backwater that has yet to be released, Venom boasts some nifty atmospheric cinematography by Steve Mason (BASEketball), but for an R-rated movie it really skimps on the gore. The final showdown between sole survivor and killer is sufficiently well-done that you wonder why the rest of the film didn’t measure up.

CRY_WOLF
Director Jeff Wadlow, nephew of Katie Couric, made this movie for a million dollars, yet it’s almost indistinguishable from dozens of other Hollywood horror movies that cost over ten times as much, which is some kind of achievement. But Robert Rodriguez he ain’t. In a private prep academy, teenagers (portrayed by actors in their twenties) conspire to create a fictional serial killer to see how many people they can fool with their lie. Only problem is that the killer becomes real...or does he? This was a better movie back when it was called Gossip...Oh, wait, no, that sucked too. An orange ski mask just isn’t that frightening, sorry. And putting glasses on Jon Bon Jovi does not make him look like a journalism professor. Wadlow should easily have saved the money on the gratuitous helicopter shot and hired a decent writer; as is, this is one of those movies that requires the villain to be able to predict every single move of the hero, even if said hero is a newcomer completely unknown to the killer.

SERENITY
Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon inspires an intense devotion in many sci-fi geeks, most of whom have undoubtedly seen this feature-length sequel to his cancelled Firefly TV series twice already. But what about the rest of us? I never watched an episode of Firefly, and prefer the campy Buffy movie -- that Whedon more-or-less disowns -- to the TV show.

The good news is that you don’t need to know anything about Firefly to enjoy Serenity, so long as you pay attention. Set 500 years in the future, following a space conflict reminiscent of the American Civil War, it’s the story of ex-rebel “brownshirt” Mal Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) [edit: Sorry, "browncoat." Thanks Brian.] and his crew of mercenaries, who have unwittingly taken two fugitives from a government weapons lab aboard their ship. As you might expect, one of them (Summer Glau) is a beautiful free-spirited girl who kicks major ass whenever a subconscious trigger is activated. She’s also psychic and has absorbed some dangerous classified information; as a result, a nasty government agent (Chiwetel Ejiofor) with a samurai sword is hot on the crew’s tail.

Whedon’s dialogue is a love it or hate it proposition, and I hate a lot of it. He’s created his own future slang that’s mostly voiced by Mal and annoyingly actressy engineer Kaylee (Jewel Staite). Clockwork Orange it isn’t -- a functional line like “pass the salt” would probably be rewritten by Whedon as something like “I’m hankering for some seasoning on my sustenance -- might you morph it over my side?” The simplest characters are the best: Glau’s crazy/beautiful waif, Adam Baldwin’s gun-loving tough guy, and of course Ejiofor, who blows them all offscreen.

Still and all, it’s nice to see a sci-fi movie with an intricate plot. Whedon should chill the hell out on the verbiage, but his direction isn’t bad at all.

SACRED STAGE: THE MARIINSKY THEATER
What you see is exactly what you get in this hourlong documentary about Russia’s famous opera/ballet house. Richard Thomas narrates, walking us through a ballet production of Sleeping Beauty (is there anyone that doesn’t know that story?) and a new-age staging of the popular Soviet opera Boris Godunov. There’s also a very brief crash course in modern Russian history that even the casual moviegoer likely already knows -- basically, there were Tsars, who were overthrown by the communists, and then communism eventually fell. Fans of Russian ballet may be enthralled, but might as well wait until the movie inevitably ends up on PBS.

LE GRAND ROLE
When an eccentric American director (Peter Coyote, suitably weird) who also happens to be a religious Jew, comes to Paris to make an all-Yiddish movie version of The Merchant of Venice, a group of French actors suddenly rediscover their religious heritage in an attempt to obtain the coveted role of Shylock. Maurice (Stéphane Freiss) seems to have it in the bag, until a big-name actor suddenly becomes available. But Maurice’s wife Perla (Bérénice Bejo) is very ill, and he fears that the bad news will hasten her death, so he pretends that the role is still his, and enlists the help of all his friends to maintain the elaborate charade. Director Steve Suissa balances the comedy and the tragedy of the material effectively -- it’s hard to get laughs from a story in which the hero’s beautiful and devoted wife is dying, or for something as politically sensitive as Jewish identity. Yet the film ultimately feels like a crowd-pleaser; certainly more so than the similarly themed Good Bye, Lenin!

Posted by LYT at 3:35 PM | Comments (8)

October 5, 2005

See my new hair color

Scroll all the way down this post.

I haven't decided yet whether I'll keep it this way.

Posted by LYT at 4:51 PM | Comments (3)

Pye in the Sky

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: FIRST REVIEW OF CHRIS SIVERTSON'S "THE LOST"

Since MAY came out, Angela Bettis has attained a whole new level of respect from people, and been heralded as something of a discovery; though she had made several movies prior, it was as if Lucky McKee really brought her out.

His regular collaborator Chris Sivertson has now done the same for a man by the name of Marc Senter. Marc hasn't been around as long as Angela had, but when you see this film he will be forever on your radar.

THE LOST, adapted from the Jack Ketchum novel, boasts very few familiar faces. Some of you may recognize the familiar character actor Richard Riehle in a small role, or Dee Wallace-Stone's brief cameo; Ketchum fans will recognize Ketchum himself as a bartender; and regular readers of this site will likely spot usual suspects Justin Stone, Eddie Steeples, Shelli Merrill, Jesse Hlubik, Zach Passero, and Mike McKee (Lucky's cameo did not make the final cut, though the scene was so good I hope it gets preserved on DVD somewhere). You probably won't spot my hand unless you know exactly where to look. [in an unintentional pun, I'm billed as "Handsome Country Club Patron"]

But all the key faces are relative unknowns -- not that that will be the case for long.

The major change from Ketchum's novel is the timeframe. The book was set during the Vietnam era; the film, likely to save on production costs, is set in the present day. Though we do have our own modern-day overseas war controversy, that isn't mentioned in the movie, which generally has a fairly period-unspecific look, though Steeples' character is covered in tattoos in a style that seems more modern.

There's also a swimming scene that has been changed -- I discussed why in my set report (short version: the water was too damn cold for naked actors to stay alive and healthy in for long). But the changes work.

The movie begins with text that reads (not necessarily an exact quote): "Once upon a time, a boy name Ray put crushed beer cans in his shoes to make himself look taller." We fade in on Ray (Marc Senter) walking through the woods with a kind of pained stride that would indeed come from having uneven bunches of wadded-up aluminum in one's footwear. Then we get full frontal nudity, as Ray comes across a totally naked girl (Erin Brown, the actress no longer known as Misty Mundae) in a campground outhouse. His immediate reaction is to ask her for a cigarette. When she walks away, he secretly follows her back to her camp, and later brings his friends Tim (Alex Frost) and Jennifer (Shay Astar, who has eternal cool points with me for having an Ernest movie on her resume) by for a peep.

A nasty act of violence follows, and four years pass, via the magic of fading to black and an onscreen title. Ray, we find out, is the only suspect for the crime four years ago, but there's no evidence on him. Alcoholic detective Schilling (Michael Bowen) still hopes he'll get a confession if he just keeps pushing hard enough.

The movie is primarily a character study of Ray, who's like a cross between James Dean and Norman Bates (the latter a character he makes reference to, as he and his mom own a motel). He wears goth makeup to be in a band, though we never, ever see or hear that band, and he could just be making it up.

But mainly, Ray is the extreme version of something all guys know something about. You know when you're trying to ask a super-attractive girl out, how you have to be somewhat cool and composed, so that if she rejects you or humiliates you publicly, you can outwardly blow it off, even as a personal wound begins to fester?

Ray is the embodiment of that trait to the exclusion of all others. And he's addicted to it, banging several chicks at the same time, and actively courting two in this story while still maintaining a relationship with Jennifer, who suffers from classic battered wife syndrome. But we don't just see the cockiness -- there's plenty of the insecurity here too. Though not necessarily "sympathetic" as such, Ray can be identified with at times.

The three female leads -- Jennifer, Kathy (Robin Sydney), and Sally (Megan Henning) -- each represent one of the primary colors (blue, red, and yellow, respectively) and one of the major "types" of male fantasy: Trashy slut, classy rich girl who's out of your league, and girl next door. Jennifer is always Ray's fallback girl, no matter how many times she gets burned; Sally turns him down in favor of a 60-year-old man (Ed Lauter); and Kathy is the one he really seems to fall for, perhaps because she represents the type of woman he doesn't normally even see, let alone score with.

At times the film feels quite long. The plot, for the most part, isn't that intricate; we just watch these people do what they do. But Detective Schilling keeps pushing, and that eventually has to lead to something. Think THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, minus clown makeup, familiar character actors and over the top gore, and you might get the idea.

Nothing is sugar coated -- many of the sex scenes look like '70s porn, and pretty much every actress except Henning gets topless and/or bottomless, as does Marc. I can't imagine this thing getting an R rating. And when the violence comes, there are no cheap cutaways. You feel it. At my screening, one of the audience members -- who generally liked the film and the film-maker -- had to walk out on one or two occasions. The soundtrack is great, veering from a score that incorporates unconventional, atonal elements, to '50s-style rock 'n' roll, to death metal. All songs are cleared, so this isn't one of those festival picks that will suddenly have a new soundtrack when it's released.

Marc's performance is the scene-stealer, but everyone is solid. Alex Frost looks like a genuine high-schooler rather than some WB 30-year-old, Michael Bowen is suitably sleazy as the "good" guy antagonist, and the three main girls hit all the right notes (Astar may be a bit too good looking, but you won't complain). Our very own Justin Stone is terrific as a total crybaby wuss (I kid, I kid...he's held up at gunpoint, and simply ain't no hero).

My favorite moments are the ones when the editing starts to match Ray's fevered intensity and cocaine-addled mind: a flashback to an exhilirating incident of vandalism, a montage of different fucks for different folks, and the pins-and-needles climax which will send you out of the theater waiting to exhale. In early scenes that I saw months ago, there was too much music, but that isn't the case any more.

Some will ask what the point of the movie is. Much as I like nihilistic films, I tend to reject the kind that revel in depravity and nothing else, like CHAOS and I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. But I liked THE DEVIL'S REJECTS a lot, and I like this...there's more going on than mere exploitation. The examination of a wounded male ego run amuck shows what we should fear in ourselves as well as others, and there's a repeated lesson, from many corners, that playing mind games with a proven psychopath is a really bad idea. It's also an indictment of small-town life in some ways, and the way that "nothing to do" plus excess testosterone can create wanton destruction in an aimless life.

The movie's going to debut in a couple of European festivals shortly, and may come home with a deal. Here's hoping. This may not be the final release cut, but it is the final festival version.

If you're in Europe soon, check it out.

Posted by LYT at 3:03 PM | Comments (6)

Admiral! There be whales here!

Beluga whales, that is, immortalized in some hideous Raffi song, I think...Beautiful snow white things at the Vancouver aquarium.
When the guide said that their habitat is endangered due to global warming, I wondered if there were any right-wing families who went home that night grumbling about the liberal bias of zoos.

and here's a killer whale sculpted American Indian style. Actually, the PC term in Canada seems to be not Native American, but rather First Nations. No-one says "Native Canadians," as far as I can tell.

Posted by LYT at 12:06 AM | Comments (3)

October 3, 2005

Hey everybody, I finally got a new TV!

Now my question is this - what to do with the old one?

It sucks, is small by today's standards, and has a weird short in the on/off switch that can really be annoying, but it works. And I know it's bad to throw TVs in the trash.

Any suggestions? I doubt anybody I know wants it.

Posted by LYT at 6:43 PM | Comments (6)

Whiskeytown

Here, we see Erin, Angela, and Lucky at the end of a typical day, watching footage with the assistance of assorted fermented beverages

Okay, not really assorted. Just whiskey and Coke. But the stuff has to run out sometime, especially when you have a whole bunch of people, including me, Mike, Jesse, and Lucky's friend Sage Bannick (the latter two shown below).

And so it was that Jesse and I went out into the Vancouver night on a quest for more whiskey. The ladies were elsewhere, and Sage hadn't arrived yet, so it was just the McKee boys back at the hotel, wondering whether to go downstairs to the bar or not.

We assumed it would be a quick trip. But the nearby beer and wine place was closed rather early, it being Sunday and all. Living in L.A., you really tend to forget that stuff actually closes on Sundays in other parts of the world. Jesse and I were the only Angelenoes of the group (the McKees no longer live here, Angela's Texan, and Erin's a Jersey girl).

Jesse decided to ask the doorman at the hotel whether he knew of a place. He didn't want to be too presumptuous and ask the front desk, since he wasn't actually staying there.

SIDE NOTE: Now that it's all over, I can say that in Vancouver, it is really really easy, if one were so inclined, to simply walk into a celebrity's hotel room. Unlike L.A., there's little sense of security, and no floors protected by room-key-swipe action. Jesse and I regularly just walked in and went up to our friends' rooms, and none of 'em were under a fake name or anything. I don't suggest ever trying that shit on them unless you're invited. But it did briefly occur to me that Erin might have some psycho fans.

Speaking of psychos and fandom, O.J. Simpson recently had a booth at a horror convention here in the L.A. area. As he's done no horror movies that I can recall, one has to wonder why he was there...hmmm, can't imagine what would possibly qualify an innocent football player for such a show...

Back to the quest. The doorman knew of a place, but it was several blocks away and mightn't be open. We decided to go for it.

Jesse started to give up hope right when we were nearly there. Calling the hotel room, he found that the McKees had left, presumably for the hotel bar. But we had come this far...and holy cow, the place was still open.

It was a small place, like a typical convenience store. But all the hard liquor was in a glass display case, and the only familiar brand -- jack daniel's, which Mike doesn't much like -- was $40 for a fifth. Mike and Lucky had ordered a larger bottle not long ago from room service, and had been billed $100 for it.

Nothing was cheap, but of course nothing else was open. Jesse wanted to go for a cheap-looking brand that reminded me of Rite-Aid generic booze. I pushed for something that looked mildly classier: a Canadian concoction called Wiser's. He paid.

On the way back, Jesse called the hotel bar, asking to speak to "the tall guy with glasses sitting next to the guy with mad scientist hair." Lucky was found immediately, and Jesse asked that he have drinks waiting for us. When we got there, he did.

Everyone liked how efficient our waitress was. But Lucky soon decided he hated everyone else in the bar. Mike suggested starting a fight. Then the discussion turned to the greatness of George Bush, and how come no-one wants to talk about what an awesome president he is? Mike opined that he's one of the best presidents he can remember, I think hoping that someone in the bar might overhear. Lucky pointedly asked for my opinion, undoubtedly having some idea, and possibly hoping for an amusing outburst. I gave a resounding 'No comment.' Jesse gave a noncommittal response about disliking Bush and Kerry equally.

More drinks were ordered. By the time we got upstairs again I was in no condition to start with the Wiser's. But the other guys did, and complained the next day about their bowel troubles as a perceived result. I guess you can call it "Butt-Wiser's."

EPILOGUE: On the last night, half the Wiser's was left. Sin