« November 2005 | Main | January 2006 »

December 31, 2005

Batman and King Kong would vote Republican

Behold, if you dare, the ten best conservative movies of 2005.

As usual, the rule seems to be "If I like it, it's conservative."

Posted by LYT at 11:56 AM | Comments (3)

Kingdom of Heaven: the director's cut

Moriarty at AICN mentions that Ridley Scott's cut of the film is playing for just one week at the Laemmle Fairfax, of all places. Based on his review, it sounds like those of you who saw it and didn't like it might want to give it another go.

I saw it and did like it, so I hope I can make the time this week. And if you haven't yet bought the DVD and were considering it, hold out.

Posted by LYT at 12:45 AM | Comments (0)

December 30, 2005

2005 in film: The Best

It was a great year for genre films, but a mediocre one for Oscar-bait Serious Art. Of the films most likely to be Oscar-nominated, I really have no strong feelings.

But then, I prefer horror/fantasy/sci-fi stuff anyway, and make no apology for it. If I want real life, I can live in the real world. I like entertainments to take me elsewhere. On the other hand, a movie can occasionally hit every one of us where we live, as was the case with at least one of my entries.

10. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE. Simply put, a book I grew up with translated as perfectly as it could possibly be done for the big screen. Following it with a Prince Caspian movie is a mistake, methinks, but I really hope they get to do Dawn Treader and Silver Chair.

9. THE JACKET. Adrien Brody starts time-tripping in the nuthouse. Keira Knightley gets naked, and unlike in DOMINO, I think it's really her. Kris Kristofferson is the scary old guy, and the direction is from experimentalist John Maybury, who makes the whole thing feel like a bad drug trip (in a good way). The first greta movie of 2005, still great.

8. THE NEW WORLD. Full-length review coming in a week and a half.

7. SIN CITY. Simple, stylized tales of good sexy girls and the badass men who protect them, often with their lives. The plots are not deep, but nor are the stories told in the opera, or kabuki theater, or WWE Smackdown. Yet the appeal is, I think, very similar.

6. SHOPGIRL. This movie nails some of the truths about the L.A. dating scene that most other movies don't go near. The way Claire Danes (who I used to hate, but have totally come around on since TERMINATOR 3) decides to have sex with Jason Schwartzmann simply because he's available, and the first person who has been for a long time. The way he loses her by being a fuckup, but eventually gets his shit together and proves that there is worth there. The way Steve Martin thinks he's communicating well with Danes when he really isn't. The way Bridgette Wilson-Sampras has carefully and cynically worked out the rules for landing a man in this dire datescape.

Dave White called this one of the worst movies of the year, and I normally respect what he says, but I think he's missing it here -- this isn't a film about true love and destiny, but about trying to make true love with what seem to be very limited and harsh options. As a gay man living in West Hollywood, I also suspect his dating experiences have been way different.

5. MIRRORMASK. That rare dreamworld fantasy that looks like nothing you've seen onscreen before. Bound to find its audience on video.

4. WALLACE AND GROMIT: THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT. Fuck Chicken Run - THIS is "were" it's at. As perfect as movies get.

3. OLDBOY. Truly fucked up and twisted, and I can't take my eyes off it. So many memorable scenes -- I've described many of the gross ones, but the giant ant on the subway was also one of the strangest yet effective poignancy metaphors ever visualized onscreen.

2. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS. I don't know if Rob Zombie did this deliberately, but it's astonishing the degree to which his white-trash rampage movie mirrors the plot of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, with Ken Foree as a pimpin' Lando Calrissian, and William Forsythe as a Vader/Luke hyprid on a twisted vision quest to become a divine soldier and hunt down the societal rebels who escaped the siege of their secret base. To the extent that it improves upon its predecessor, this movie is also the "Empire" of redneck horror.

Speaking of which...

1. STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH. Rather than spend ages refuting the criticisms of others, as I have done, let me say what I love about it:

-the way it begins as a buddy action-comedy, and gradually turns into a damnation game where every hero becomes a victim.

-the way George Lucas, when he's on, can shoot big battle scenes in which you NEVER lose track of where the main characters are or what they're doing.

-Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. So good at being so bad.

-the look of the thing - every frame is like a gorgeous painting.

Now, I do want to take the time to deal with one thing - everyone seems to hate that Padme dies of a broken heart. Yeah, it sounds lame, but consider:

-Her husband has just tried to kill her, and by extension, her unborn children.

-He has also revealed that, though his having a dark side is no surprise, he has basically become Hitler. Padme's alternatives, if she lives, are to be Hitler's wife, or to become, along with her kids, the primary target of Hitler's wrath. Not hopeful options.

-Combine that with postpartum depression. It's gotta suck.

Anyhow, the movie feels like a true Star Wars movie to me. Most of the people who actively disliked it struck me as the type who never liked the originals all that much.

Is it what YOU imagined? Probably not. But it never could have been.

Posted by LYT at 2:09 PM | Comments (9)

2005 in film: The not-best (Updated)

I don't generally do a "worst of" list, as it seems to me pretty glaringly obvious that movies like THE PERFECT MAN and CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2 need no further kicking. I had to sit through them, but you didn't.

Suffice it to say that it's always best to avoid movies in which one of the following is a lead: Martin Lawrence, Hilary Duff, Eugene Levy, Queen Latifah, Jamie Kennedy, Jennifer Aniston, Winnie the Pooh, anyone named Wayans (It doesn't matter that individually, some of these names have done decent stuff in the past - movies that STAR them nowadays all suck). To this fairly well-known list, 2005 brought another worthy addition -- Tyler Perry, whose gospel/drag comedy pantos have a rabid following onstage, but I'll be damned if I can understand why. Black audiences seem to have a soft spot for men dressing up as fat old women (see also Martin Lawrence). Anyway, the trailer for Perry's new movie is out, and it looks exactly the same as DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN, which ranks as one of my least pleasant cinematic experiences of the year.

I do like to note the most overrated movies of the year, though. These are some.

GROSSLY OVERRATED

Good Night, and Good Luck. Sometimes conservatives are right - critics will praise a movie purely because it agrees with their politics (see also The Contender). I could not bear the fucking smooth jazz that permeates this film, so it already had a strike against it. But I also don't really see the drama. The movie never really implies that Edward R. Murrow is any danger of losing his job for criticizing McCarthy; demoted, perhaps, but not fired. And this idea that it's oh so relevant today -- look, it's true that many major TV reporters have no balls, but do you honestly believe that if, say, Brian Williams were to criticize George W. Bush, his job would be in any danger whatsoever? The Dixie Chicks lost some airplay because of what they said, but they still made the cover of major magazines, and they still make a living singing. McCarthy made sure that lefty screenwriters COULD NEVER WORK AGAIN. Not the same thing.

Also I'm not a big David Strathairn fan.

Hustle and Flow. I'll be the first to say the songs deserve Oscar nominations, but I really didn't need to see a movie that's all about the recording of those songs. Give me 8 MILE any day.

Crash. This movie bothers me more and more when I hear that people like offpat and my mom are watching it in England thinking it's an honest representation of Los Angeles. To quote Dave White, "Were you on the fence about racism before you saw it?"

The 40-Year Old Virgin. And not just for the obvious close-to-home reasons. The more I think about it, the more I thoroughly dislike the fact that it celebrates abstinence before marriage.

MILDLY OVERRATED

Batman Begins. So close, and yet...Christopher Nolan cannot direct fight sequences, and Katie Holmes' character is so wrong. Other than that, bravo, but those niggling things keep me from loving it.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The story's just too familiar, and feels like it's very consciously hitting all the beats. The kids couldn't have gone into ONE room where nothing bad happened, just to throw us off a bit?

Kung-Fu Hustle. The kid with the runny nose, and the bit with kids pissing on another kid, are just so unpleasant that they keep me from loving the film the way I should.

High Tension (French-language, unrated version). "The twist" is a cheat that doesn't really work unless you accept the whole movie as a lie. Other than that, it was cool.

Brokeback Mountain/Capote. Both well-made films, yet unlike a lot of reviewers, I didn't make an emotional connection to either.

The Aristocrats. Funny as hell, yes. But as a film? The sound is worse than my car radio, and the cinematography would be shameful in a home movie, let alone a feature. Shoulda been a Comedy Central "Secret Stash" original, or maybe a Showtime special.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. Don't know quite what went wrong for me here; maybe too many reviewers spoiled the best jokes (but what can you do when you have to write 800 words about a concert film?). I like Sarah Silverman's stuff normally, but here, most of the songs fell flat, and the comedy after a while was just repetitive to me. Yeah, yeah, nigger, chink, using racist words is so fuckin' edgy, we get it. Move along.

Highly rated movies I haven't seen yet: The Constant Gardener, Munich, Murderball, Cache, The Squid and the Whale.

Posted by LYT at 11:32 AM | Comments (30)

2005 in film: Honorable mentions

All the following films were considered for my ten best but didn't make it. But before I name them, a word or two about the whole "ten best" thing.

Damn near everyone I know makes a "top ten" movie list. Many email it to everyone they know. Some go on and on all year about whether some movie will be on their top ten or not, despite the fact that no-one will ever see their list.

I find ten arbitrary, and would not do a top ten list except that my job requires it of me. So I might as well share it, since I assume many of you who come to a film critic's blog actually expect to read opinions about movies every once in a while.

That said, here are the movies that almost made it but didn't, some with comment and some without...

Constantine - I don't care if it wasn't like the comic; the movie was good, with Keanu playing within his range. It's lame that he quits smoking at the end, and Shia LaBeouf is miscast, but I like the theological notions and the hard-R rating, nto to mention that one great visual of all the cows falling over as teh cursed guy walks past them.

Saw II - Tobin Bell is awesome, and the twists in this sequel worked a lot better than in the first one.

Millions - A movie that should have utterly sucked, but in Danny Boyle's hands turned into a charming fantasy. Boyle hasn't been this good since TRAINSPOTTING.

Broken Flowers - humor so dry and so subdued that it didn't work for everyone, but Bill Murray and Jim Jarmusch make quite a pair.

Kontroll

hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy - other than not wrapping up the Humma Kavula storyline, I thought they nailed this thing pretty effectively, and Mos Def proved that truly colorblind casting really can pay off.

Kingdom of Heaven

Lord of War - every once in a while, it's nice to have a gleefully amoral protagonist who doesn't really learn anything and sticks to his wicked ways. Nic Cage is the right actor to be that guy.

Corpse Bride - Looks pretty, and less annoying songs and story than in that other Tim Burton animated thing all the goth chicks love.

A History of Violence - Cronenberg's best in ages. Props to my homie screenwriter Josh Olson.

Zathura - Featuring the best line of the year: "Get me a juice box, biatch!"

Syriana - Like Traffic except it isn't really boring.

Sorry Haters - a masterpiece of low budget digital-video moviemaking, with Robin Wright Penn as a crazy chick who messes with the mind of a Muslim cab driver. As a festival pick it doesn't really count as this year.

Stay

Waiting...

Crimen Ferpecto - wacky Spanish hijinks with a womanizing department store manager who'd be played by Bruce Campbell if the movie were in English.

Kamikaze Girls - you know that unique kind of cartoony surreal weirdness that only comes from Japan? This movie's full of it.

The Roost - Ti West set out to make a movie that literally looks like you rented it on Betamax from the back of some video store during the '80s. He succeeded.

Match Point - I hate Woody Allen most of teh time, but his attempt at Hitchcock totally works.

King Kong - The first two-thirds are enough to recommend it, even though the last is tiresome. On DVD we'll be able to skip the ice-capades.

[and as Max posts above, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was supposed to be on this list, but slipped my mind when I posted]

Posted by LYT at 12:07 AM | Comments (5)

December 29, 2005

Some realistic, small resolutions I'd really like to stick to

But I may not...

1. Deal with junk mail when it comes in, feeding the shredder immediately.

2. Restock individual grocery items when I need them, not just when I run out of everything and the timing is convenient. There's no excuse when most grocery stores are 24-7.

3. Drink more water.

4. Drink liquor less often.

5. Attend gym more.

6. Be less obsessive-compulsive with the web. This is my biggest addiction, I think. Cheese is my second-biggest, but that strikes me as relatively benign (especially since I loathe butter, dislike cream, and mostly avoid milk).

7. Hit the online personal sites more often.

Posted by LYT at 8:34 PM | Comments (4)

One I missed...

Four Albums You Can't Live Without:

R.E.M. - Automatic for the People
Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction
Metallica - St. Anger (yes, yes, I know, shock, surprise...but it really has become my favorite Metallica disc)
Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes

I'm curious to know if any of my readers honestly think they'd have guessed those would be my four.

Posted by LYT at 2:16 PM | Comments (3)

2005 in film: a little end-of-year stuff

A few odds and ends written by me -- some ended up in New Times papers, some didn't. All have been slightly rewritten now that a few more year-end films have been seen.

Muscling in: Wrestlers set their sites on Hollywood

In September, UPN insisted that World Wrestling Entertainment remove the controversial Arab-American character Muhammed Hassan from its Smackdown broadcasts. One might have expected Hassan, in real life an Italian-American named Mark Copani, to resurface on USA network’s Raw, or even another wrestling promotion. Instead, Copani quit the business altogether to pursue movie stardom.

Blame The Rock. For years, wrestlers avoided the big screen for fear of being mocked like Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny. But then the “People’s Champ” had to actually go and get himself some good reviews, and now every ring giant is following suit. Bill Goldberg, whose wrestling persona was based on not talking much, appeared prominently in three films this year -- as a convict with a big schlong in The Longest Yard, an evil Father Christmas in Santa’s Slay (an idea arguably lifted from the film-within-a-film Christmas Slay in Ernest Saves Christmas), and himself in Tom Arnold’s The Kid and I. Also in The Longest Yard: Kevin Nash playing it effeminate, and Stone Cold Steve Austin, smartly tweaking his redneck-bully image.

The Rock made the best of bad projects in Be Cool and Doom, but his upcoming role in Richard Kelly’s quirky Southland Tales should erase those memories. Ironically, he was outperformed in ’05 by another self-proclaimed people’s champion, Diamond Dallas Page, whose turn as a bounty hunter in The Devil’s Rejects was equal to costar Danny Trejo’s.

In the pipeline: Eminem-wannabe-on-steroids John Cena recently wrapped the lead role in The Marine, horror-movie-inspired Kane actually gets his own horror movie called See No Evil, and Steve Austin stars in The Condemned. Copani, so far, remains unemployed.

Enough Already: When good actors make bad movies.

It’s all too easy to slam people like Cedric the Alleged Entertainer for making dumb films, as we scarcely expect better from him. But how long can we keep praising promising actors who consistently run on autopilot in mediocre crap, even though we’ve seen that they’re capable of so much more?

Exhibit A: Dakota Fanning. She wowed the world by holding the screen opposite a showboating Sean Penn in I Am Sam, and showed a natural intelligence opposite Denzel Washington in Man on Fire. Producers seem to consider her for every little girl role that comes along, and critics have been effusive in their praise. But then there’s The Cat in the Hat, and this year, the Robert De Niro stinker Hide and Seek and the godawful Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story. Sure, she was fine in War of the Worlds, but all she had to do was scream and cry. Look, she may only be 11, but if people are going to constantly praise her for “intelligence,” she needs to be making more intelligent movie choices.

Exhibit B: Jamie Bell. The star of Billy Elliot made interesting choices this year, but they were mostly interestingly bad (King Kong was not seen at press time; I've seen it since, and his character is a total waste in it). Exactly what the hell was he doing as a would-be 19th-century dandy with a gun fetish in Dear Wendy? And what exactly was the point of The Chumscrubber? What both films had in common was that they were made by foreign directors who don’t seem to understand America at all. Maybe Bell doesn’t either, but he was on the right track with last year’s Undertow, and needs to get back on it.

Exhibit C: Peter Sarsgaard. The intensely focused eyes that look like they might cry any second. The mildly effeminate, laid-back delivery with which he utters all his lines. It was all quite novel for a while, but now it isn’t. This year’s turn towards hammy villain roles in The Skeleton Key and Flightplan went way wrong; when Sarsgaard tries to play over-the-top, he just seems dead inside. Ditto, to a slightly lesser extent, his troubled marine character in Jarhead. Playing gay wasn’t a bad idea; unfortunately, the project he chose to do that in was The Dying Gaul, a misguided play-turned-movie that tried to get viewers excited with tense scenes of...people typing on computers!

These were by no means the only offenders in 2005 -- practically the entire cast of Be Cool should have known better too (save Cedric, of course, who was lucky to be there). But they somehow still manage to get critical passes, and there comes a time to just say no. They’ll never learn otherwise.

2005’s ten “best” moments of cinematic depravity [WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR MOST OF 2005'S BEST HORROR/PSYCHO FLICKS, including OLDBOY, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, and SYRIANA]

spoiler space....

okay...

10. Snakes alive! Both Down to the Bone and The Last Eve feature scenes of snakes actually killing mice -- the former by constriction, the latter by wholesale swallowing. The humane society signed off on neither.

9. Finger paining. For all the elaborate death-traps in Saw II, the most intense scene of the film occurs when the cop played by Mark Walhlberg decides to break the Jigsaw Killer’s fingers. Tobin Bell’s acting sells the pain better than any contraption.

8. Head on a Stick. Not literally what it sounds like, but rather, a spine snapping move performed by Wolf Creek’s evil outbacker, as he mocks Crocodile Dundee’s famous line with what is indisputably a knife.

7. Payback for Batman and Robin? George Clooney’s separation from his fingernails in Syriana was seriously wince-inducing. Falling to the ground later in the scene, he really injured his back.

6. Call shotgun! We’re used to seeing shotgun blasts in movies, but seldom with as much visceral splatter as the one that induces Ed Harris’ demise in A History of Violence.

5. Everything Zen? I don’t think so! Bush lead singer Gavin Rossdale played a demon in Constantine, and ended up getting his face melted. Everyone who listened to music in the mid-90s rejoiced.

4. Hammer time. Oldboy not only showed how to take on a corridor full of thugs armed only with a hammer -- it also demonstrated how one could painfully yank out teeth with same.

3. Fetus dumplings. The credits haven’t finished rolling on the Japanese horror anthology Three...Extremes before we see, in graphic detail, what the “secret ingredient” of Bai Ling’s special recipe is.

2. “I take his weapons. Both of them.” What do you do when confronted with a mutated, neon-yellow-skinned rapist? If you’re Bruce Willis in Sin City, you take his knife away, then rip his nuts off with your bare hands.

1. “I want to eat something alive.” It’s telling that in Oldboy, a movie which centers around a plot to trick a man into committing incest, and also involves tongue slicing and amateur dentistry, the most memorably disturbing scene was one of the simplest -- hero Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik), freed from years of captivity, enters a sushi bar and scarfs down a live wriggling octopus. Four cephalopods gave their lives for this scene, and live octopus tentacles briefly became a dining fad in Hollywood.

I'm still waiting to get mine.

Posted by LYT at 1:00 AM | Comments (1)

December 28, 2005

At the risk of really redundant linkage...

Sorry, but this one is just too good:

"People don't want to sit through a three-hour vegetarian, feminist lecture about how bad modern civilization is...American moviegoers enjoy their heroes. And, they enjoy the fruits of their capitalist society, a big part of which is the liberty to eat as much animal flesh as you want."

can you guess the source, and what movie is being referred to?

Posted by LYT at 9:22 PM | Comments (4)

Boys never grow up

One of Dave White's readers asks "as I haven't smelt the Comme candle, I was wondering if it got in a fight with say, a Diptyque candle, which would win?"

Dave has the answer. Also he's gonna be on msnbc, which I guess is the perks when you sometimes write for msnbc.com

Posted by LYT at 10:37 AM | Comments (1)

December 27, 2005

Four for the road

This little blog meme thing appealed to me, so I'm gonna tag myself with it...

Four jobs you've had in your life: Busboy, movie theater assistant manager, Internet toy salesman, movie critic

Four movies you could watch over and over: Flash Gordon, 2001, Pee-wee's Big Adventure, All three original Star Wars movies.

Four places you've lived: Dublin, Chapel Hill, Cullowhee, Straffan (Eire)

Four TV shows you love to watch: Monday Night Raw, Smackdown, South Park, Lost

Four places you've been on vacation: Montreal, Paris, Cardiff, Cedar Bluff (VA)

Four websites you visit daily: Pererro.com, LA Observed, Spawn.com, Toymania.com

Four of your favorite foods: Nachos, chili, sea urchin, toro sashimi (raw fatty tuna)

Four places you'd rather be: On a movie set, in a real English pub in England, at one of those wild MTV-style Spring Break parties, inside Britney Spears.

Answer on your own site or below, if the spirit moves you.

Posted by LYT at 11:17 PM | Comments (11)

Watch this space, or not

Nothing to blog about much today...the kid cousins have lefty and gone to their father's, and the uncle and aunt are back at work. Think I'll check out the San Diego downtown, then head home tomorrow.

Obligatory best-of-year movie stuff will come once I'm back.

Posted by LYT at 1:18 PM | Comments (1)

More logical somersaults from Movieguide

Somehow, being non-racist is racist:

"Of course, the Romantic, pagan worldview and revisionist history in THE NEW WORLD are ultimately racist. All people have sinned greatly and fall terribly short of the glory of God, including American Indians in the wilderness before the white man came."

Posted by LYT at 1:25 AM | Comments (3)

December 26, 2005

New Year's parties and such

Anyone got any good ones? I needs ta know!

Posted by LYT at 4:42 PM | Comments (6)

December 25, 2005

Luke celebrates Hannukah, laments lack of suitable shiksas

Chaim I'malech writes: "Wait...Am I on the right blog?"

Posted by LYT at 10:12 PM | Comments (4)

Christmas with the Thompsons

(More pics on my photoblog - this is but a sampler)

These are the Jew-vision glasses that turn every light you see into a Star of David - no idea how it works, but it's a cool effect.

If all these gingerbread men fighted...Whowouldwin?

If grandma can't come to the party...the party comes to grandma

Before...

...and after.

Posted by LYT at 3:14 PM | Comments (2)

Merry Christmas

Even if you hate Jesus, I hope you get to enjoy the day off.

If you go to the movies today, please be polite to the staff -- they're working on your holiday for not-very-much money (albeit a bit more than usual).

Ditto 7-11, etc.

Posted by LYT at 12:06 AM | Comments (2)

December 24, 2005

Xmas Haul

I know it's still the Eve, but this is how we roll, Mex-style.

Sin City: Booze, Broads, & Bullets book, from my Mom (!)

Robocop trilogy DVD set, from my stepmom

Wallace and Gromit movie figures and mini-figure set by McFarlane Toys, from the local family here in the 619.

The Far Side daily planner from UK family Mick & Jill

Amnesty International black fleece pullover and book of Stanley Kubrick interviews from my Dad.

Thank you everyone. If you sent me something and it isn't mentioned here, it may be waiting for me at home, or held up by stupid Amazon delays.

All was diplomatic between me and the person I was worried about. Some really nice tequila was available too. And there were these weird 3-D looking glasses that turn every light you look at into a star of David -- not kidding.

Posted by LYT at 11:48 PM | Comments (2)

Somethging leigh said reminded me...

The New Times critics' best overlooked films of the year

This was a tricky process, since the films mentioned had to be actually released properly into theaters, or at least one theater-- one or two of my favorite obscure movies only hit festivals.

Anyway, merry Christmas Eve -- by the time the day is over, the bulk of the celebrating on my end will be done.

Posted by LYT at 11:06 AM | Comments (1)

December 23, 2005

Ginger-Dead Men

Posted by LYT at 7:33 PM | Comments (1)

Belated review quick takes

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2

Crap crap crappity crap crap crap. Look, there’s room for reasonable disagreement when it comes to opinions of films, but if you go to this movie and find any decent laugh in there whatsoever, you should know right now that I have nothing but utter contempt for you. If you even go into the theater expecting something good, my estimation of your intelligence is not going to be high.

Apparently determined to make us forget that he was ever funny, Steve Martin reprises his role as father-of-12 Tom Baker (Baker’s dozen, get it?), this time engaging in a petty rivalry with father-of-eight Eugene Levy, who has made me forget that he was ever funny. The plot’s taken straight from the John Candy vehicle Summer Rental, which was fun but never a classic. This groaner is no fun at all, but the presence of Hilary Duff on the poster probably gave you some indication of that.

Now, to be fair: I have not seen the first Cheaper by the Dozen nor the 1950 original, nor read the book that both were loosely based on. Perhaps if I had, I would have gained a greater appreciation for the depth of character on display here. But you know what? I doubt it very much. When perennial attention-whore Carmen Electra (as Levy’s wife … he wishes) is the most compelling thing onscreen, you know you’d have been better off buying a copy of Maxim.

[NOTE-- Matt King's post-screening review was more succinct: "It sucks ass cock."]

THE BROTHERS GRIMM on DVD

It's not news when Terry Gilliam films fail at the box office, but it's rare that they fail with critics too. In a wry commentary track here, Gilliam admits that he hated the script, but was broke, and he hints at the pain involved in working with Miramax. The Weinsteins forced Gilliam to fire Samantha Morton in favor of Lena Headey -- a fact he brushes over by ignominiously referring to Morton as Headey's stand-in. Among the extras, there's a deleted scene that includes an elaborate fight with a living tree and a featurette on the special effects. Like all Gilliam films, Brothers Grimm is never less than interesting; it's just less than inspired.

Posted by LYT at 12:25 AM | Comments (2)

Craziness before Christmas

A bit more excitement than we can handle down here in San Diego. The plan was to celebrate Christmas, Mexican style, on the 24th at my aunt's sister Gwen's house, but then Gwen got sick, her mother caught it, and was sufficiently affected that she fell and broke her foot.

So now Grandma's back from the hospital (and doing very well on a walker), and staying here with us, and Xmas eve will be here instead. There's a possibility of a visit from someone I've been trying to avoid, but while thoughts of bailing briefly crossed my mind, there's no way I can not be with the family and especially Grandma Gomez in a time of need.

So things are all shaken up, but everyone's coping very well. Going to buy a tree tomorrow, I think.

Posted by LYT at 12:12 AM | Comments (2)

December 22, 2005

Family Values

This particular one valued at $34.99, plus tax and shipping

Posted by LYT at 2:33 PM | Comments (0)

Reviews R Us

"As much as The Ringer appears to follow the formula of a sports movie, it's at least as much a parody of such earnest Oscar-bait films as I Am Sam and Mifune. Put one mentally challenged person in a movie (or beloved actor playing same), and the temptation tends to be to make him or her into a messianic innocent. But populate a movie almost entirely with such people, and they actually get to have personalities."

More retarded critique HERE

"The notion that Wolf Creek is opening nationwide on Christmas Day brings to mind the scene from Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, in which a young boy opens up his holiday gift and finds a severed head. The movie is about as diametrically opposed to the concept of "goodwill toward men" as movies get, made by a disciple of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre school of horrors. It plays like Alexandre Aja's High Tension without the lame twist that ruined that film. And if any of this news means anything to you, you know Wolf Creek is a must-see. "

wolf it all down HERE

The New Times critics' composite Top Ten of 2005 is HERE. Needless to say, every one of us probably has strong disagreements with some of the choices.

Posted by LYT at 11:57 AM | Comments (7)

December 21, 2005

Mad Mel's new movie

The trailer is online for Crazy Jesus Guy's new ancient Mayan movie.

How ya like it?

Posted by LYT at 3:17 AM | Comments (2)

December 20, 2005

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

My hair, that is.

I figure the Italians and Mexicans can groove with it too.

(Don't worry, haters: I may get an acting role Jan 10 that would require dying it all black. But then again, I may not.)

Posted by LYT at 11:56 PM | Comments (6)

Sympathy for the...well, y'know

I've been ragging on Kevin Thomas a lot lately, but I certainly have no desire to see him suffer health problems.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery. A bravura health picture, in fact.

Posted by LYT at 9:58 PM | Comments (2)

A note about my Amazon wishlist...

I know a few of you have ordered some of the items for me, and I thank you.

Of the items ordered, however, only one has been received (I haven't opened it - it's shaped like a book or DVD).

My concern is whether or not people are selecting to send these to my address, or theirs. Unless you're going to see me over Christmas, the former should be your choice. Especially if you're overseas - the point was to save you shipping costs.

Posted by LYT at 3:29 PM | Comments (1)

Retrosepctively speaking

Time magazine announced its Person of the Year. A tie between Bill Gates, Mrs. Bill Gates, and Bono. Last year, I named my own person of the year, as voted by readers. This year...well, keep reading.
I began the year getting violently sick and puking in offpat's bathroom. Unfortunately, that turned out to set the tone for the whole year. 2005 was all about Pain and Suffering.

You tell people you had your appendix out, and many will say, "Oh yeah, I had that when I was six. Recovered in a week, and got lots of presents."

You don't even know.

I don't know if readers of this blog even get the idea after all I've written. My appendix was slowly getting infected over the course of two years. When it finally began to rot, I tried to ride out the worst pain of my life for three days.

April: Surgery, incontinence, pain.
May: Residual surgery and muscle pains. Re-infection from food-borne bacteria. More incontinence. Yeast infection as a side-effect of the antibiotics.
June-July: Fatigue, inability to stand up for long periods of time.
Aug-Nov: Abdominal muscle pains, feeling like I did 200 sit-ups every day. Never, ever knowing when it would all finally go away.

Those of you with significant others, can you imagine going through that ordeal alone?

I don't dismiss for a second the valued contributions everyone made to keep me afloat. But in surgery, I was alone. At home again, I was alone. Having to depend on my nearest family, I became closer to them, even as some other family members were becoming more distant.

That was the real Pain and Suffering. The metaphorical kind came with MAD COWGIRL, a movie production that dominated my life in the three months prior to hospital. At times, it was hard, but I wouldn't trade the memories for anything, and the friendships formed will last, I think (not sure Walter Koenig has any idea who I am still). It also led to my directorial and starring debut in the experimental PAIN AND SUFFERING. I had a conversation at a party last night with a director who could not understand why I would want my first film to be something nobody wants to see. Maybe I'm crazy, but the idea of annoying the shit out of people with endless repetition amuses me to no end. Plus it's the movie I can get made right now.

Other highlights of the year include time spent with my brothers in January, mainly discussing "if him, and him, if they fighted, who would win?" Also the trip to Vancouver for SICK GIRL and the various ROMAN shoots, even if I end up on the cutting room floor in both instances.

I had no romantic life this year, and I suspect the whole incontinence thing didn't help. I had the Unnamed Screenplay, which may finally be back on track. Very early in the year, we had THE LOST shoot.

I made many new friends this year, including the team at Pererro, where I eventually joined the group blog. When they cite you as a mentor and then invite you, how can you not? David and Julie first met me at a low point in my life, and when someone likes you then, you know it'll work out.

And my Man of the Year...there is no other choice, and really, he's also the man of the past three. The man who held down the fort when I was down, because I knew he could and would. The man I have almost literally trusted with my life.

Not to mention the man who will probably put out my most anticipated CD for 2006.

My webmaster #1, the King. Whom I subjected to one of the worst movies of the year earlier tonight.

If you don't know him, all I can say is it's your loss.

Posted by LYT at 3:07 AM | Comments (10)

December 19, 2005

Which celebrity do you look most like?

I got Luc Besson, River Phoenix, Johnny Depp, and Halle Berry.

Click HERE and post your results below.

Posted by LYT at 3:29 PM | Comments (11)

Announcements

MAD COWGIRL's first festival date will be February 4th at the San Francisco Independent Film Festival. I hope those of you who can will come out and see us -- Walter Koenig is expected to attend, and if you talk to him about something other than Trek he'll probably be all the more impressed.

Also, Anchor Bay has announced that Lucky McKee's SICK GIRL will be out on DVD June 27th (thanks to Brian for the pointer). No extras are confirmed yet, but I can't imagine Mr. McKee would pass up the opportunity to do a commentary.

Posted by LYT at 11:54 AM | Comments (2)

Salute my amazing choices

Film Threat's Phil Hall has compiled a list of the ten best unseen films of 2005.

Guess who's in #1 and #2?

That would be ME.

and Douglas.

Posted by LYT at 3:30 AM | Comments (2)

Chronic-WHAT?-cles of Narnia

If you missed Saturday Night Live this weekend, and I certainly wouldn't blame you, you nonetheless have to watch THIS.

UPDATE: Above link seems to be down for maintenance, but here is the audio.

UPDATE AGAIN: Video link works now. You must watch. Trust me. Best thing on SNL in years.

Posted by LYT at 3:08 AM | Comments (3)

December 18, 2005

HOLLYWOOD CONFIDENTIAL set pictures

All taken by Jesse Hlubik except, obviously, for the one he's in.

Posted by LYT at 6:29 PM | Comments (0)

Narnia [updated]

I've been revisiting the books since enjoying the movie so much. What's striking as an adult is how short they are. I used to find The Horse and His Boy totally boring, but now it's not so bad, though light on plot.

What surprises the most is that Prince Caspian, set to be the next movie, is a crashing bore.

Here's what happens in it: The four main kids get summoned back to Narnia to help the rightful king. They walk through the woods for a while, then find him, and fight the bad guy. The end.

The Magician's Nephew really ought to be the next one, a prequel to Lion/Witch/Wardrobe featuring the White Witch's origin, which is so cool I came very close to ripping it off in a screenplay of my own.

Dawn Treader still seems reasonably good, and I'm betting The Silver Chair will to, as it follows the classic voyage to the underworld myth. Last Battle was a bore as a kid, but hey, I like battles better now.

UPDATE: Dawn Treader is indeed still gold. Plays like a satire of The Odyssey. Having the main character be a sarcastic jerk who doesn't believe in most of it is genius. If I were doing the movies, I'd go straight to Dawn Treader, incorporating just enough of Prince Caspian so as not to disorient. But I think the rules are that Walden Media has to be strictly faithful.

Posted by LYT at 12:10 AM | Comments (4)

December 17, 2005

New shirt designs in the Spreadshirt Store

Since I've seemingly been deemed a shallow misogynist, I made a shirt that reflects that (and experiments with a new color scheme)...Also there's a new "Pain and Suffering" sweatshirt with the complete movie dialogue written on it.

see 'em HERE

Posted by LYT at 6:21 PM | Comments (1)

L.O. muthafuckin' L.

From a letter in the L.A. Times today praising Kevin Thomas:

"He more than deserves such recognition for his many years of saving and promoting good films, for linking generations of filmmakers and film lovers to the greatness of cinema art, for being a civilized gentleman in a beach and fitness society that is neither gentle nor cultured, and for establishing standards of decency, communication, cinema language and honor."

A civilized gentleman? Decency and honor?

The letter writer hails from Taiwan, and clearly has not ever encountered the Thomasaurus in its native habitat.

Posted by LYT at 3:53 PM | Comments (0)

Aren't there FDA rules about this?

Just drank a bottled water that came in a gift bag I got at a Hollywood party.

The following are listed as the "ingredients":

"Lots and lots of love; pH9; Calcium; Ionic Sea Minerals; Caco3; Etherium Gold; Ionization; Alkalinization; Super Oxygenation; Infra-Red Tech. Stimulation; Electromagnetism (+)."

"Ionization" is a process, not an ingredient (might as well have "baking" as a cereal ingredient). And that's the least of it.

Just curious when companies became able to list ingredients that aren't actual ingredients.

The official websites for this water, both of them, are:
www.donedhardy.com
www.edhardywater.com

I have not visited either one.

Posted by LYT at 12:03 AM | Comments (8)

December 16, 2005

Maybe Pajamas Media will take credit for this...

Lions Gate Films has changed their name to "Lionsgate," just one word. They claim it's because of synergy or something or other.

But I wonder about that. The Lions Gate Films logo, up until this change, was a large "LGF" in green.

LGF is also the abbreviated name of Little Green Footballs, a popular high-traffic blog where the main raison d'etre is to catalogue every bad thing that Muslims do, usually with a sarcastic accompanying crack about "Religion of Peace." Its regular commenters are notorious for advocating such tactics as the nuking of Mecca. Charles Johnson, who owns the blog, is one of the cofounders of Pajamas and takes credit for the Dan Rather "Memogate" scandal.

So I'm thinking someone at, er, "Lionsgate," finally figured this out.

Posted by LYT at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)

LYTrules.com mentioned in Arkansas paper

"Luke Y. Thompson has enough money to host a Web site, and because of it, he gets to spout philosophic on a film that probably came out before he was born."

So is the point that I'm somehow only entitled to review movies that have come out in my lifetime? (In fact, I was 3 when Annie Hall came out)

The author of the article doesn't look older than me.

It's funny that he starts the article off by saying that the critical consensus is wrong, then tries to imply that some critics are idiots because they go against the critical consensus.

Posted by LYT at 7:00 PM | Comments (2)

Gaining Confidence

Thursday night I got a callback for HOLLYWOOD CONFIDENTIAL. It seems they liked my brief "running and hiding" scene enough to want to give me dialogue.

I was initially worried I couldn't make it. I had to see the Johnny Knoxville movie THE RINGER that night to review it (better than you think; details this Thursday in my review), and the prior shooting day I'd been to ended around 10 p.m. But the D.P. told me that if I came straight to set after the screening, I should be fine.

The "press screening" of THE RINGER, however, turned out to be the red carpet premiere, hosted by the Special Olympics committee. I always used to be amazed that critics in general hate going to premieres, but on this night, I understood. It takes half an hour to get everyone in their seats, and then, at least in this instance, the Special Olympics chairman, who also happens to be the Governator's brother-in-law, has to get up and thank a ton of people, then give a speech about how he hopes to banish the word "retard" from everyone's vocabulary, and that these athletes aren't "disabled," they're "diffabled."

I have all the sympathy in the world for the argument that the handicapped should be treated as normally as possible, and certainly believe they're no less of a person than anyone else. But I find curious the notion put forward by advocacy groups that they are in fact not handicapped. The word handicapped means something. When playing golf, should we refer to a player's handicap as a different ability?

The worst is when deaf people refuse to let their kids have surgery that might let them hear, because it will separate them from "deaf culture." I saw a whole movie about that once.

After the movie, there was to be a Q&A with some of the stars, and then a huge party in the lobby of the DGA, with quite a fancy spread. Suddenly, I liked the idea of a premiere again. But...fuck! I had somewhere to be and couldn't stick around. I know the director of THE RINGER, too, and he probably could've introduced me to famous people 'n' stuff.

When I got to set, there was no urgency (shooting schedules rarely run early). So I sat and waited, enjoying an In N Out burger and not enjoying a Shasta cherry cola, which is one of the foulest tasting sodas I've ever had.

It was fun talking to other cast members about acting - made me realize how fortunate some of my breaks have been. But it's also nice to be treated as an actor. On MAD COWGIRL, I was cast and crew, and I got the vibe from some of the actors that they only considered me crew (though others were also very respectful and complimentary).

"Did you dye your hair just for the movie?" I was asked. In fact I had offered to cut it off or color it black, but was told that wouldn't be necessary.

At about 1:30 a.m. we got to do my part. Two shots, which feature me surrendering to the police [spoiler!]. Each one was busted off in one take. Bam! Bam! A lot of this movie is done in one-take shots, which is unusual, but keeps things moving.

My dialogue was improvised. But I don't think I'm gonna be cut out of this movie.

It was worth missing the party.

Photos from the set coming when Jesse Hlubik emails 'em to me.

Posted by LYT at 1:11 PM | Comments (2)

December 15, 2005

Review Stuff

"The press notes for Pulse would have you believe that it predates many of the recent Japanese horror films that have been remade for American audiences, but that doesn't seem to be true. It predates the US remakes, yes; but according to the Internet Movie Database, Pulse came out in Japan in 2001, while the first Ju-On originated in 2000 and Ringu in 1998. So claims to originality here need to be taken with a few grains of salt. Pulse director Kiyoshi Kurosawa (Cure) has been making movies longer than the directors of those other "J-horror" films, but that doesn't mean he hasn't appropriated a trick or two."

More here

"Few of us go to the cinema with the desire to have a bad time. But if you're capable of psyching yourself up for the unpleasantness of drug addiction and rehab, Down to the Bone is worth the effort. It comes without the comic hook of Hollywood rehab flicks like 28 Days, but that's because it's at least somewhat grounded in reality. Sandra Bullock may be too famous to make herself look all that bad, but Vera Farmiga, being an unknown -- though probably not for long -- can get down and dirty."

further rehab action here

Some quick takes after the jump

THE KID AND I

Imagine if Tom Arnold had written “Adaptation." No, really. Arnold wrote this movie for his cerebral-palsied young neighbor Eric Gores, and it’s about...Tom Arnold writing a movie for a cerebral-palsied youngster (Gores). Arnold plays himself, bizarrely named Bill Williams even though he’s repeatedly acknowledged by others as the costar of “True Lies." Initially he tries to kill himself, but gets hired by a wealthy investor (Joe Mantegna) to write and costar in a “True Lies" rip-off starring his handicapped son, who just happens to be obsessed with “True Lies." Needless to say, Tom Arnold is not Charlie Kaufman, but if we may damn him with faint praise, this is better than any movie he’s been in in a looooong time. It’s not great, but it’s far from terrible, and Arnold has managed to rope in a whole lot of his celebrity friends for cameos, among them Linda Hamilton, Shaq, Shannon Elizabeth, wrestler Bill Goldberg, and even a certain governor who ought to be focused on balancing the budget.

Sin City: Recut - Extended - Unrated DVD

Made in a similar fashion to the “Star Wars” prequels on a fraction of the budget, Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller’s near frame-for-frame adaptation of Miller’s butt-kicking, bone-crunching comics finally gets a sinfully good deluxe DVD treatment, following a shamefully sparse edition earlier this year. The theatrical cut boasts two commentary tracks (Rodriguez/Miller, Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino/Bruce Willis), but there’s also alternate audio of crowd reaction at an Austin screening, featurettes on the props, costumes, cars, make-up, and an interactive map laying out the movie’s chronology...and that’s just disc one. Disc two features longer versions of each individual story within the film: See Michael Clarke Duncan sliced in half, Carla Gugino getting Bruce Willis out of jail, and Mickey Rourke visiting mom’s house (the two Josh Hartnett sequences don’t work quite so well when spliced together, though). Best extra -- an all-greenscreen version of the film pre-CGI, run at high speed so it’s only 12 minutes long. Worst extra: Bruce Willis and his band singing. Also included is a full-length mini-reprint of the original Sin City graphic novel, which most fans already own.

THE FAMILY STONE

Though the family depicted in this film is indeed named Stone, the title more pointedly refers to the diamond in an heirloom wedding room owned by the mom, Sybil (Diane Keaton). Clever, eh? Just be glad there are no musicians in the clan named Sly. The Stones (who also include Craig T. Nelson, Rachel McAdams, Luke Wilson, Dermot Mulroney, Elizabeth Reaser, and Tyrone Giordano) are gathering at home for the holidays, with the usual squabbles that sort of thing entails, plus two additional points of drama/conflict. One is that Everett (Mulroney) is bringing home his uptight, ultra-professional bride-to-be Meredith (Sarah Jessica Parker) whom no-one else likes, but is expected to ultimately receive the family ring. The other is that one of the family members secretly has a terminal disease. Even more complications ensue when Meredith brings in her sister (Claire Danes) for moral support.

Writer-director Thomas Bezucha’s second feature may sound like it should be absolutely dreadful -- especially when you hear that one of the Stones is gay, deaf, and dating a black man -- but it’s a lot more amusing and real than you’d think, mainly because there seems to have been a lot of thought put into character development. McAdams in particular is fun to watch, taking her “Mean Girls” persona and grounding it with more humanity. There’s a needlessly cloying coda set one year after everything ends, but the rest is a rare family comedy for grown-ups that’s worth your time.

Posted by LYT at 3:47 AM | Comments (5)

December 14, 2005

That Liberal Hollywood

King Kong has "a pro-environmentalist tone that attacks the capitalist forces in human civilization"

guess who?

Posted by LYT at 6:05 PM | Comments (1)

Stirrin' shit up

For quite a while now, I've been mulling over some kind of reaction to the whole mindset most recently espoused by Maureen Dowd that it's so hard for successful, accomplished, professional women to get dates. For fairly obvious reasons, I think about this and related topics quite a bit, and I can tell I've bored some of you with personal travails. But some things need to be said, at least maybe so I can stop thinking about them for a while.

I've had some experience of encountering the successful careerwoman type on the dating scene. I would say this to Maureen: If it's hard for you to find a man, it's probably because you make it hard. I actually had occasion to have quite a long conversation with one such woman even after it was clear I was not for her, and she spelled out a few things for me. Notably, that having dated a bit, she knew EXACTLY what she did and didn't want in a man at this stage of her life. She had a mental checklist. This strikes me as an overly bureaucratic approach, an inability to leave the boardroom behind. How is a potential date supposed to relax around someone who conducts things like a high-stakes job interview?

This woman's vibe was not unique. I've encountered many like her.

(I exclude most female journalists I know from this stereotype, incidentally. Trouble is, most are either taken or find me insufficiently conservative.)

Now, I also want to talk about attitudes towards sex. Despite what we all see in movies and TV and music videos, the vast majority of women I talk to seem to view it as a means to an end, rather than an end in itself. I'm not just talking about gold-diggers. The end need not be money or a job; in most cases, it isn't. Sex for many is a means toward obtaining a commitment, or to keeping a man's basic needs met to maintain that commitment. I have never, ever heard an unattached female friend of mine say, "Man, I need to get LAID tonight!" But guys? All the time. Ms. Dowd, walk into a bar and utter that line, then try not to be too picky about who says yes. You will score, guaranteed. Maybe even repeatedly. I know the stereotype of guys is that they love 'em and leave 'em -- speaking for myself, though, I tend to be way too anxious about the first time, and get better with practice with the same person.

Side note: For the longest time, as a kid, I didn't know what "sex" meant, though I knew it was somehow supposed to be funny. See, my mother, in explaining it to me, had only ever called the act "making love." But it isn't always, nor should it be.

All this brings me, in a roundabout way, to Paris Hilton. Many of my friends, especially the female ones, express disgust and confusion over why this girl is famous. Let me tell you why: She openly has sex for fun. Guys LOVE that, even if they hate her -- it gives us hope that some women actually have the same impulses we do. When she says "That's hot," we know it means "That makes me want to fuck." We DREAM of meeting someone like that. Maybe not marrying, but meeting.

A friend has pointed out to me that it's easy for her -- she's rich, and won't face any consequences or stigma for her behavior. To a point, that's true (beyond the standard tabloid mockery). But presumably she feels the same need for love as the rest of us, and will at some point have to consider trying to find The One. But she doesn't let that keep her from enjoying doing the deed with someone who very easily might not be The One.

I feel almost like I should be adding a response from a fictional rabbi persona right about now.

Posted by LYT at 5:26 PM | Comments (61)

December 13, 2005

Gorilla wars - A review of KING KONG [Updated]

(If you're new to this page, you may want to prep for this review by reading my pre-review misgivings piece)

You probably know a few women who have pets. And I'm willing to bet that at some point, you've known one whose pet is some big, obnoxious, untrainable dog that jumps up on you aggressively, breaks things, makes menacing moves at young kids (maybe it has even killed one, who knows), and generally fucks shit up. But the owner won't discipline it or allow a bad word to be said, and hey, she's hot, so you try to let it slide. She's also probably an actress. And you'd love to go out with her if only it weren't for that damn pet, which should just be put down already.

That's how I felt during most of the third act of Peter Jackson's KING KONG.

Kong by this point has killed at least one significant sympathetic character, and many others who just happened to be in the way. But oh, isn't this cute and touching -- Ann (Naomi Watts) is trying to teach him sign language as they watch the sunrise together!

But let's backtrack. I'm sure some of you are already preapring comments below about how I'm some kind of Peter Jackson hater, so I should point out, early on, that for the first two thirds of this movie, I thought it was a great ride, with very minor issues. But I've been reading that the video game gets disappointing once Kong breaks out onto the streets of New York, and it looks like that's an accurate touch - for me, the same can be said of the movie.

I don't think a plot synopsis is really needed for a story this familiar, so we might as well get down to business. The protagonist in this Kong, oddly enough, is not the romantic male lead, Jack (Adrien Brody), but movie-maker Carl Denham (Jack Black), who, to coin a pharse, is the one whose actions propel the story forward. But then in New York, he disappears completely, only to resurface just to say his signature line at the end. This is, I think, a miscalculation. Driscoll figures in the climax only in that he realizes he's forgotten to say "I love you" out loud to Ann, and is determined to do so even if it takes him up a skyscraper.

But then, Jackson seems to have had an intense dislike for Bruce Cabot, who played Jack Driscoll in the original. At the end of the credits, PJ dedicates the movie to original Kong directors Cooper and Schoedsack, animator Willis O'Brien, and actors Robert Armstrong and Fay Wray. Cabot, billed above Armstrong in the '33 film, is not mentioned. Not only that; he's openly mocked via a new character named Bruce Baxter, a phony macho actor of the type Phil Hartman used to love to play, who actually gets to utter some of Cabot's original dialogue. I'm not sure quite what PJ's issue is, but it doesn't seem like a coincidence that the Jack Driscoll role here is weakened considerably.

Jackson has said he wanted to make a movie for the 9-year-old boy in all of us, but he also wants to make a love letter to the 1933 film. The two aren't necessarily compatible. Nine-year-olds likely don't want to wait a whole hour into a movie called "King Kong" before seeing any monsters (I liked the early stuff in New York a lot, but some of the stuff on the ship, especially the scenes with Jamie Bell and Evan Parke doing the mentor thing, is pointless -- do we need to see that Bell is reading "Heart of Darkness" THREE times, then have Parke explain it to him?). I'm not sure they'd care too much for the sappy scenes of emo bonding between Ann and her big new pet either.

But here's the good news -- They, and you, are gonna love the middle part. An island that's full of monsters, and just when you think characters are finally out of a dangerous situation that can't keep topping itself, they find a new one just around the corner. The Kong/T-rexes fight is very cool; only downer is that, presumably due to ratings issues, you don't really see Kong bite the one Rex's tongue out unless you look very closely and don't blink.

The natives, as I suspected, are done almost as a tribute to '70s Italian cannibal movies (I'd love to see PJ get back to his gory roots and do a full on entry in that genre). It's weird how they live, though. Their village is on the seashore, and their huge wall separates the beach from the whole rest of the island. Seems like they'd want to claim at least a little bit of grass. Their first encounter with the Venture crew is quite frightening, and very cannibal-y. Not for sensitive kids at all.

As for my misgivings...Kong is suitably scary, but just on the island. Once he starts slipping on the Central Park ice like Bambi, it's hard to be intimidated any more.

The finale has had its ante upped. Not just on the topmost spire of the Empire State Building any more, but the staging is now all around the entire top area, with Ann climbing ladders like Mario in Donkey Kong (wonder if that was deliberate?). PJ gets off several shots here that weren't possible in the original, though I would have liked more of a POV on the downed planes. I'm thinking that was avoided so that no-one could possibly identify with the aviators -- even in close-ups, they're scowling and looking mean, unlike their 1933 counterparts who seemed to enjoy offing the ape. Peter Jackson (sans beard) and Frank Darabont appear in some of the planes.

PJ even tricks you into briefly thinking Kong might be spared, just so he can milk the goodbye stares between Ann and Kong. Both the 1933 Kong and the '76 Kong had sequels, so you never know...

Now, as to Kong himself. He looks great. No question. Never, ever looked CGI to me. But let's not go overboard and say Andy Serkis deserves an Oscar: It's still a dude acting like a gorilla. Everyone does that in acting class at some point. The only CG that rings even slightly false is on some of the backdrops, like New York at night, or the first look at Skull Island. In a scene or two, human-dinosaur interaction doesn't feel quite real, but ironically it's the people who look fake in those parts, not the dinos!

The bugs, by the way, rule all. The centipede scene with Anne is excellent, and those giant flesh-eating critters that looked like uncircumcised dicks with fangs? Creeeepy.

Now, when Kong is finally knocked out to be taken to New York, Denham says he'll display him in a few months. Fade to black, then up on a marquee of the show. Are we to assume this is a few months later? If so, how have they been keeping and feeding Kong? Are there no precautions for him breaking loose? Why can't they chloroform him again, as soon as the chains start to break? And why is Ann's name on the marquee, even though she has refused to appear -- she's not a star deserving of top billing yet. And why is Jack Driscoll seemingly surprised by the dialogue in his own play? Does any of this matter? Just askin'.

I may add more to this review as more comes to mind. The bottom line is this: Not that it matters what I say, but I do recommend seeing it. First two thirds are gold. Nit-picking is irrelevant to a point in entertainment like this, but some nits, like the ones above, were just ripe for it.

Then again, as you may know, I'm really not a pet person or a big animal lover, unless those animals are locked away from me, or in some other country. So my sympathies for a big one that kills don't go very far these days. As I suggested in my pre-reservations, Jackson has filled the movie with moments of pathos that, to the best of my reading and knowledge, were mostly unintentional subtext in the original, and certainly not drawn out like they are here.

[UPDATED] One more thing -- the thing some people call "the Peter Jackson cam," but could just as easily be called "the Ridley Scott cam." It's this annoying drop-frame slo-mo technique used a couple of times in the movie, first when Jack hears the name of Skull Island for the first time, and the camera moves in on the typewriter keys so you actually see him hitting "S-K-U-L-L space bar I-S-L-A-N-D". The second time is when they're caught by the cannibal natives. It's annoying, anachronistic-feeling in a period film, and the same kind of thing that made some of the fights in GLADIATOR look really bad. Thankfully PJ doesn't use it much.

Also I should note that Naomi Watts looks amazingly desirable in this film. But I figure that probably goes without saying.

Flame on.

Posted by LYT at 2:33 AM | Comments (15)

December 12, 2005

KING KONG pre-review

Just so I don't have to waste space later on, I thought I might as well take the time right now to enumerate my misgivings about this project. At the same time, I realize that if Jeff Wells can bash the project all year and then end up saying it's at least 2/3 good, then these reservations may be for naught. But you might as well know my prejudices going in.

A not-insignficant point is that when the original was made "Gorilla picture" was an existing subgenre of the exploitation field, though the gorilla was usually human-sized, seeing as how it was a man in a costume. Inevitably, the gorilla would abduct the hapless heroine, usually in the service of a greater villain. Murders in the Rue Morgue is one of the few other gorilla pictures that has survived the test of time.

Kong broke ground by having the gorilla be dinosaur-sized and stop-motion animated. But in keeping with convention, he still hankers after the heroine, even though their size difference (and his tendency to eat people) makes such a thing absurd.

Other things that don't entirely make sense:

-Kong can climb a skyscraper, but not a wall that's merely twice his height?

-a rag-tag Hollywood/sailor crew can capture and incapacitate Kong on his home turf, but the national guard can't do it on theirs?

-Why not wait for Kong to come down from the skyscraper? He has to eat sometime, doesn't he? The solution arrived at damages the building, causes the death of two aviators, and risks massive death and damage when he falls to the ground.

-How does Ann not go into a hypothermiac coma, wearing so little at such a high altitude?

-How exactly DID they get Kong back to New York anyway?

It's easy to ignore questions like these when watching the original, because it's so obviously dated that contemporary scientific realism really doesn't enter into it. I also read a pretty convincing theory once that Kong represents Carl Denham's raging libidinous subconscious.

In doing a remake, if you choose to follow the original story, it is the right call to make it a period piece. Kong wouldn't last long in a modern city. Forget the air force -- one guy with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher could take the ape out.

However, all the above misgivings about the original, that can be easily forgiven because it's old, don't have the same defense in a newer movie. And then there's the sympathy factor.

Dino De Laurentiis is well known for maybe, possibly, having said something like "When my monkey die, everybody cry." Kong isn't a fucking monkey, but an ape. Nonetheless, it was seen as a weakness of the '76 remake that Kong's death was drawn out to milk tears from the audience -- he gushes blood, falls over injured, rolls himself off the top of the World Trade Center, then crashes to the ground where he remains faintly alive until his heart finally stops. I get the sense that Peter Jackson may milk it just as much.

All of which goes against the original concept of Kong as a SCARY MONSTER. Look at poster art for the original Kong -- it all emphasizes his scariness. Look at poster art for Jackson's Kong -- it all emphasizes him staring tenderly at Naomi Watts. Yes, tragic music plays at the very end of the '33 Kong, but it's more like the end of, say, THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, where we take a moment to sympathize with and respect these monsters in their battles, but still, they're dangerous baddies and need to be killed.

Kids inherently sympathize with the monsters in the old movies, because generally they can't stand or relate to whatever love story is going on between the stiff macho hero and the abducted dame. But the intent was to scare [clarification for people named MAX: I'm referring to the intent of KING KONG, not Frankenstein or anything else], with relief at the end that the monster is beaten.

Jackson has updated his romantic lead so that he isn't such a stiff, apparently. But it still sounds like he has nothing to do with the climax whatsoever. In Jackson's original '96 draft, Jack Driscoll was a World War I fighter pilot, who, at movie's end, hijacks a plane to try to defend Kong and fight the air force. His plane crashes, and he bails out, only to be saved by Kong. Logically, that may be kind of stupid -- it essentially makes him a terrorist and a traitor when all is said and done. But it does get him involved. The more obvious thing would be to have him be one of the pilots that kills Kong, or maybe tries, but still crashes and bails. That, however, would split sympathies, and Jackson wants you to like both unambiguously, or so it seems.

Jack is now a playwright, not a pilot.

The notion that every review talks about people being in tears at the end truly does worry me. Jackson never used to be a sentimentalist, though I guess he always has been more on the side of his monsters than their victims.

I view the movie soon. I'll get back to you then.

Posted by LYT at 3:36 PM | Comments (14)

Confidence Man

I don't often do that much on weekends, but on Saturday night I got a call from one Jesse Hlubik informing me that my services as a non-speaking background actor might be useful. Jesse started this movie shortly after SICK GIRL (which just screened at Harry Knowles' Butt-Numb-A-Thon, I hear, to generally positive response).

The film is called HOLLYWOOD CONFIDENTIAL, and I think Jesse was originally set to play a hero cop, but now plays a bad guy. In one scene he does drag, and I hear he makes a pretty foxy lady.

It's a low-budget deal, lower than many recent projects, even -- the place we were filming at was a lot like Visauliner studios too, except it was mostly outdoors, though the scene itself is supposedly taking place indoors, and that's the magic of the movies for ya.

I don't recognize any of the actors involved, but one is a bearded Russian dude, who is of course playing a Russian mobster. Another is the shortest hot chick I've ever met.

Anyway, I have no idea what the larger story is, but this scene was some kind of deal gone bad. Also there were babes in a cage, and I was supposed to be a prospective buyer of their services. Basically, I got to pace up and down and stare at parts of their bodies I'd normally be too polite to stare at. That was awesome.

Then I had to hit the floor, and it was hard concrete, which wasn't real kind to my knees. You win some, you lose some. Everyone had guns except me.

I still have dirty-blue hair in the flick. No idea when you'll see it and if I'll still be in it. But I can't think of a better way to spend an evening.

I will have news shortly about MAD COWGIRL's first festival date of 2006. Stay tuned.

Posted by LYT at 12:23 AM | Comments (6)

December 11, 2005

If They Fighted...

King Kong and the dinosaur...Whowouldwin?

Posted by LYT at 1:03 AM | Comments (7)

December 10, 2005

Sick, dude

Airdates for Lucky McKee's Masters of Horror episode "Sick Girl" Have been posted on Showtime's website.

Only one more month to wait...

Posted by LYT at 7:51 PM | Comments (0)

Richard Pryor has died

I don't really have anything creative to say in his honor. But I expect Jaye will, shortly.

Posted by LYT at 4:12 PM | Comments (0)

Still looking for a date for KING KONG Monday night (updated)

any takers?

e-me: lyt (at) this site's url

UPDATE: I think I need to clarify - "date" means single, available female. If I wanted dudes, or "just friends," I could hang with them any time I want.

Posted by LYT at 1:16 AM | Comments (14)

December 9, 2005

D'oh the pain!

When McFarlane Toys, known for Spawn and Tortured Souls, announced a line of Simpsons figures, people made jokes about how it'd all be, like, Zombie Bart, Homer getting tortured, etc.

The first figure was revealed today, and whaddaya know

Posted by LYT at 5:05 PM | Comments (3)

Ride 'im, cowboy

Movieguide takes on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, somehow deciding that all gays are communists in the process.

"If only the leftists, radical feminists and Communists would show the same compassion for the wives of homosexual perverts like these two characters, the world might be a better place."

Posted by LYT at 1:41 PM | Comments (1)

You, sir, lack moral clarity

"It doesn't matter how many cars he wrecks or sailors he kills.

He has no sense of judgement. His values are not the same as ours. He acts with the instincts he has been born with and possesses and we don't judge him for that.

In fact, we understand why he does these things. We understand why he is doing it."

Some liberal pinko talking about a terrorist?

Nope

Posted by LYT at 12:50 PM | Comments (2)

December 8, 2005

Reviews

Heavy-hitting line-up today.

"It's true that there are elements of biblical allegory in here; it's also true that this is a fantasy. And frankly, it's the story that matters; even if you must categorize Narnia as a Christian movie, it's many times better than any overtly Christian movie in recent memory. Faith-based films like Left Behind tend to pile on the sentimentality; Narnia does not. It even adds an opening sequence that's darker than anything in the book, in which the four children at the center of the proceedings survive a World War II bombing raid of London."

the rest is here

this one's late, so blame Paramount:

"A perfect Aeon Flux would have been like a cross between David Lynch's Dune and David Cronenberg's Dead Ringers, though it's hard to imagine such a thing getting the greenlight. Kusama offers moments of inspiration, but it frustrates like hell that she couldn't nail it completely."

flux your power here

""Agony and beauty for us live side by side," laments Mameha (Michelle Yeoh), the most successful geisha in Gion. You'll know how she feels: Memoirs of a Geisha, as directed by Chicago's Rob Marshall, is beautiful to look at, but when it comes to the dialogue and storytelling, agony just might be the appropriate term. At least back when this same story was called Showgirls, there were lots of naked breasts."

more geisha action here

Oh, and the DVD review this week is FANTASTIC 4

Neither as bad as critics claimed, nor as good as it could have been, Tim Story’s big-budget, big-screen adaptation of the classic Marvel comic delivered the appropriate special effects, exalted on the DVD featurettes which mostly already aired on various cable networks. The movie’s major misstep was in its botched portrayal of Dr. Doom -- as portrayed by Julian McMahon, Marvel’s major megalomaniac became a vaguely effeminate corporate CEO. As for the principals, however, Michael Chiklis was as perfect a Ben Grimm as you could get, Ioan Gruffudd and Chris Evans were totally fine as Reed Richards and Johnny Storm, and Jessica Alba is so hot that her performance really doesn’t matter. Alba, Gruffudd, and Chiklis participate in a lively commentary track that further demonstrates their chemistry together and hints at sequel details (Evans and McMahon are promised but never chime in). An amusing deleted scene features a digital cameo by another major Marvel movie star. Too bad the “exclusive” look at X-Men 3 mainly consists of one animated storyboard, and Marvel “guru” Avi Arad saying it has the best story yet.

Right then. I'll be spending my entire day and night watching the bazillion hours of extras on the new Ultra-Mega Special Edition Sin City DVD for next week's review - if anyone would like to stop by and join me, be my guest.

Posted by LYT at 1:08 PM | Comments (3)

Boozin'

CityBeat this week has a special issue devoted to alcohol. Naturally, I contributed an article. Best of all, it's accompanied by a Jordan Crane cartoon! I've known Jordan since USC, but didn't know he'd be illustrating my piece.

Here's a sample of the article:

"I’m a fond user of Great Earth CarbArrest shakes, because they don’t congeal like vomit (how’s that for a plug!), but mixing the chocolate version with Absolut just isn’t good. The powder stays suspended in little clumps in the mix, except those clumps are all dry and powdery inside and make you cough. The vanilla flavor shake is a little better, but not by much."

anyway, you can read the whole thing here.

Posted by LYT at 12:32 AM | Comments (3)

December 7, 2005

They sorta stole my idea...

Fritz at Cinerati reports that Coca-Cola is introducing a new product called Coca-Cola Blak that's a mix of Coke and coffee.

Back when I worked at the Sunset 5, I made a similar concoction to help me stay awake on the day shift (which was both longer and slower-paced than the night shift). I mixed coffee, Diet Coke, and Cherry Coke, and dubbed my concoction Atomsmasher. It worked.

Posted by LYT at 11:41 PM | Comments (5)

What do I want for Christmas?

This post is mainly for the benefit of family.

I know I'm notoriously hard to shop for. This year, however, I maintain an up-to-date wishlist at Amazon.com

If you lose this link, you may click on "Wishlist" any time, and do a search for the email knifeman(at)usa.com. (That's my old addy mostly abandoned due to endless spam and pop-ups)

Wishlist items may be shipped to the purchaser (you) or the recipient (me). Make sure you notice which one you've selected.

Also note: The wishlist HAS MORE THAN ONE PAGE. And items are NOT organized in order of preference.

And please note: NO-ONE IS EXPECTED TO BUY ME ANYTHING. This is just to make it easier if you want to.

Posted by LYT at 2:30 PM | Comments (1)

December 6, 2005

MAD COWGIRL in Fangoria!

Just a short blurb, but there's a pretty cool new exclusive image with it.

Check it out!

Posted by LYT at 1:50 PM | Comments (3)

"New Times critics want to be outrageous."

That's what R.J. Smith in Los Angeles Magazine says.

Whaddaya mean, "want to be?"

I write what I think, and don't want to be any other kind of critic than I am - if that is outrageous, then it is, but it's not wanna-be.

I'm not sure Jean Oppenheimer wants to be outrageous. But I'll ask her.

Posted by LYT at 1:35 PM | Comments (1)

Close Encounters of the Babe Kind

Shannon Elizabeth, at a celebrity poker tournament Thursday night (pic taken by me).

Posted by LYT at 2:34 AM | Comments (2)

December 5, 2005

The new X-Men 3 trailer is up

get it here

Pause it at the right places to get pretty good looks at Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones), Beast (Kelsey Grammer), and Angel (some other dude).

Looks like Juggs and Beast are mostly NOT cgi, which is probably good in the long run. I mean, the movie Hulk looked better than the movie Thing, but Michael Chiklis ultimately gave a much better performance than digital Hulkie.

I like that this looks epic - my one complaint about the X-Films so far is that they felt very confined to small spaces.

Posted by LYT at 6:23 PM | Comments (3)

Steeples on the scene

Just got the current issue of Entertainment Weekly, and my pal Eddie Steeples is #9 on their list of the top 10 "breakout TV actors who can steal a whole episode with just a few lines."

Neil Patrick Harris is #1.

Steeples doesn't have email, and may not even own a computer, but hearty congrats to him - he's the first of our group to be featured in EW. That's big-time.

(Steeples and I appeared together in the Kevin Ford movies LOVINDAPOCALYPSE III and LOST IN THE BUSH)

Posted by LYT at 4:22 PM | Comments (0)

Important pressing issue

Please take the time to vote in this potentially life-changing poll.

Posted by LYT at 11:47 AM | Comments (0)

Out-of-context movie quote for the day

"You're worse than beaver on bath day!"

from The Chronicles of Narnia

Posted by LYT at 10:43 AM | Comments (3)

Bad analogy

Jeff Wells, in his Narnia review, writes "And I'm so sick of the Harry Potter series I can't make myself see the latest installment. I'd rather have my appendix removed."

Jeff, having the appendix removed is both an amazing relief and a lifesaver. It's having it go bad that sucks.

Posted by LYT at 2:26 AM | Comments (8)

Some recent sights

Festivus at the LYT residence.

Greg Hatanaka demonstrates the proper way to pick up the damn phone.

Low light, no flash, deliberately shaking the camera = teh awesome

MAD COWGIRL's Jeff Milne rocks out at his birthday party, 11-20-05.

Thanksgiving leftovers at my uncle Kip's place.

Uncle Kip and Aunt Elena

My cousin Christina gives the "Fuckin' Metal!" sign.

Aunt Gwennie (seated, foreground), her son Marcus from Cal State (right) and Devon (Marcus' friend? Girflriend?), one of the coolest and hottest women I've ever met in my life.

Geza Decsy and Paul Hough at a celebrity poker tournament.

A little posedown action at the same tourney. Stone Cold Steve Austin was invited but never showed up.

More pics at my buzznet photoblog. (link on the left of this page)

Posted by LYT at 12:56 AM | Comments (1)

December 2, 2005

Pat Robertson is a loon

But you knew that

Posted by LYT at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

Pretty on the Inside

Sitcoms would have us believe that men are attracted to women primarily based on looks, while women are all about the true personality inside.

I have not found this to be true, at least not in L.A. Most women here seem hung up on either a dude's looks or his money.

Well, except for this one woman I know...

Posted by LYT at 11:52 AM | Comments (6)

December 1, 2005

Week in Reviews...

"First Descent: The Story of the Snowboarding Revolution is brought to you by MD Films, with the MD standing for the high-caffeine soda Mountain Dew (yes, really), but be sure not to actually drink any Mountain Dew product before sitting down to watch it, if indeed you must watch it at all. It's dull enough to make a Mormon fidget; no telling what the addition of caffeine to the equation might produce. "

you want more? go here

"Since Darrell is a black man and Dolly is an Italian American woman (played by a French Canadian), we get some enlightening cultural cross-pollination, such as: "I heard black men can dance!" followed by "Yeah, well, I heard Italian women can get you in trouble!" D&D bond over the similarities between grits and polenta -- turns out she's one of these only-in-the-movies beautiful women who actually likes being taken to cheap dive restaurants and backyard cookouts rather than anyplace fancy or expensive. (You have to look like Usher to pull that off, though.)"

if you care, more on that subject

and then there's this...

The Mummy Collector’s Set: The Franchise Collection

Not to be confused with the plain old “Mummy Collection”, which only featured two movies, this new set also includes Chuck Russell’s “The Scorpion King”, which has no mummies in it at all, but does feature The Rock in his first (arguably best) lead performance. On the offchance that anyone who likes these movies doesn’t already own them, this is a good way to get them for less than ten bucks each, plus, as an added incentive, each set contains a coupon to see Peter Jackson’s “King Kong”, valued up to $10.50, which may not be enough in some major urban markets. The discs in the set are all the same as previously released versions, which had decent amounts of commentaries and extras. As for the movies themselves -- “The Mummy” is a fun supernatural adventure that occasionally gets too campy, “The Scorpion King” is pure camp with some good fight choreography (which makes it the perfect vehicle for a wrestler), and “The Mummy Returns” is mostly a waste, an over-the-top showcase for effects that frequently appear rushed and unfinished. But if you factor in the price of a “Kong” ticket, you’re basically getting “Returns” free anyway.

Posted by LYT at 4:52 PM | Comments (1)

Following up on Kevin Thomas

Trust me, I'll be keeping tabs on his whole deal. Kevin Roderick today writes: "Editors in Calendar are hoping that film writer Kevin Thomas will contribute pieces after his imminent departure."

What does that mean, hoping?

Let's see. If I'm Kevin Thomas (horrible thought, that, but roll with me), I've been at the LA Times several decades, to the point that it's an integral part of my identity and I'm the type of guy who says things like "Don't you know who I am? I'm the LA Times!" If they fire me, and I'm in my 70s, my job prospects aren't great. So damn straight, I'd be doing freelance pieces for them -- whatever they give, I take.

So I imagine the editors can have him freelance if they want him. I also imagine that he will not be assigned to review any movie that Kenneth Turan, Carina Chocano, or Kevin Crust wants to review.

Whether he'll still terrorize publicists remains to be seen. But maybe there's some humility to be had in the situation.

Posted by LYT at 9:55 AM | Comments (0)