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June 30, 2006

If him, and who?

Who will the next Superman movie villain be?

It's not like he has a roster of foes anywhere near as cool as Spider-Man or Batman. And most of them sound utterly preposterous within the framework of a movie that's going for any level of realism.

Let's look at the major possibilities:

BIZZARO: A mentally challenged Frankensuperman. Oh yeah, that'll work. NOT!

THE TERRIBLE TOYMAN: A mad inventor who makes giant evil toys. SKY CAPTAIN more or less ran with this idea already.

DOOMSDAY: A Kryptonian genetic experiment buried in a cell deep inside the Earth. Mindless monster, pretty much. Doesn't really fit with the cinematic vision of Krypton thus far.

DARKSEID: Alien dictator from planet Apokolips, wioth a huge supporting cast of characters. Really needs his own separate movie first in order to do justice to the character, but considering the amount of backstory jettisoned by Bryan Singer in the X-Men movies, it's possible.

GENERAL ZOD: Kryptonian fascist memorably played by Terrance Stamp in the Donner movie and its sequel. If I had to quess, I'd say he'll be the next cinematic villain, because hey, he worked before.

BRANIAC: Evil supercomputer. Has been re-interpreted many times, and could be integrated without an outer space origin if necessary. Chances are he'll show up eventually.

METALLO: Cyborg with a Kryptonite heart. Might work better as a henchman, or Lexlabs creation.

MR. MXYZPTLK: mischievous magician from another dimension who likes playing pranks. Better suited to a Joel Schumacher superhero movie than a Singer one.

MONGUL: Alien warlord with a death-star-like planetary weapon called Warworld. Essentially Darkseid without the baggage, but nonetheless a big yellow dude.

MARTIANS: As my brothers have pointed out, Martian Manhunter has never had a movie. Maybe he could fight Superman at first, then team up with him to fight evil Martians.

BATMAN: Too soon.

GUS GORMAN: Hey, maybe they can get Dave Chappelle to reprise Richard Pryor's character. And Kyle MacLachlan could fill in for Robert Vaughn. Nahh, just kidding.

My hunch is that they'd rather go with a villain of either Earth or Kryptonian origin, and not get too bogged down in other worlds, which rules out many of these.

If you were making the sequel, who would it be?

TAKE THE POLL

Posted by LYT at 5:56 PM | Comments (8)

How to cheer up

As you may have perceived, my mood was not the best yesterday. But providence sent some diversions my way.

My intent was to load up on free festival beer. Generally, I think it's a sign of age that I'm more excited about taking the hard plastic cups home than I am about drinking the beer inside them, but I really needed a mood alteration yesterday.

And that's when I ran into Bob Strauss (who I hope isn't going to pull a Breitbart on me).

Bob, the critic for the L.A. Daily News, is best described as "comically cranky." No matter what problems you may have, he'll find a way to one-up them. In this instance, he had just had a dental bill laid on him that's about as much as I make in a year. I didn't know teeth could cost that much, even if, say, you replaced every single one with a prosthetic. He has health insurance...that covers less than one eighth of the cost.

Anyway, talking to Bob made me feel better, not just because he has bigger bills, but also because he can expound upon them in entertaining fashion. He recently did a DVD commentary track for "Date Movie," and while I have no interest in the movie at all, I'm buying the disc just for that. If there were a family sitcom in which the dad character were a film critic, it would (or should) be Bob.

Bob: "I'm drinking vodka, and I don't even LIKE vodka. I like every other kind of alcohol. Nobody likes vodka!"

Then later that night, I ran into some of my readers. One of you, I didn't get to meet by name, as we were all coming out of the theater in a crowd, but I'm sure you can make yoruself known here if you like.

The other, who happened to be right in front of me in the men's room line, was our regular poster "ghostboy," whom I've never actually seen in person before.

It may seem strange to readers...I know from speaking to some people that there's this impression out there that I lead an action-packed life. In fact, I'm mostly home in front of the computer, isolated from human contact. I get good feedback from people I already know, but generally speaking, the only time I hear from strangers is when they're frothing-at-the-mouth furious over something, or condescendingly trying to prove they know more than I. I know in my head that I have a good-size readership who must like what I do to some degree, but I seldom feel it in the heart, if you know what I mean.

The whole thing did make me think back to the Christian Slater movie PUMP UP THE VOLUME, which I imagine will feel very dated to kids now -- blogs have made it so that the idea of a high-schooler profanely expressing himself in a mass-communication medium is no longer novel, though it would certainly have been seen as threatening by teachers at my high school, who forbade the use of such profane language as "that sucks." It may be hard to imagine how crushingly alone one could feel back then.

Nowadays I know there are people out there. I'd like to meet more of them. But it does bring joy when a complete stranger says "Keep doing what you do."

I will, but I wish it made me mo' money.

Posted by LYT at 1:41 PM | Comments (3)

Spam I don't understand

I've recently been barraged with spam posts from made-up email addresses that say something like "lockouts souvenir sliver collaborated traveled,adopts Lockwood statuses " surrounded by "h1" html tags that make the print bigger.

What is the point of these? I don't see how they help anyone. And I can't block them because they don't use direct links and the words are rarely the same.

Posted by LYT at 1:08 PM | Comments (2)

In a stupor, man

CAPalert's Rev. Thomas Carder has a problem with the Superman movie's depiction of "self levitation and unnatural powers throughout."

Of course, he wasn't paying too much attention. Check out this sentence:

"Superman Returns is also a tale of how Lex Luthor (Ben Kingsley), who is now out of prison, again plots and plans to destroy Superman"

...because of course, all bald men look alike.

[someone may clue him in to his error, but as of 3 a.m. PST it was still there]

Posted by LYT at 2:57 AM | Comments (4)

June 29, 2006

Kicking a man while he's down

It's not enough that I'm hardly making a living, or that as a freelancer, I get to pay all the extra taxes an employer would normally pay, no matter how little I'm actually making.

Now it turns out that because I'm freelance, I qualify as a business.

The (theoretical) good news is that the City of L.A. doesn't tax businesses that make less than $50,000.

The bad news is that I had to tell them by February that I didn't make enough to be taxed. But they're only telling me this now, in June. And because I didn't tell them in a timely fashion that I don't owe any money, I now owe them money as a punishment.

How much? Enough to be really annoying, let's just say.

Should I have known all this? Perhaps. Might have been nice if anyone in a position to know could have given me a hint, though.

I'm starting to hate this town, and I never thought that would happen. But I can't imagine what I'd do anywhere else.

Posted by LYT at 3:34 PM | Comments (9)

June 28, 2006

Wordplay

I just watched this documentary about crosswords and those who love them, but specifically about the New York Times crossword puzzle.

I think it's cool that Will Shortz majored in puzzle-making in college. I appreciate the respect to puzzle solvers.

Where I differ is in the notion that the NYT crossword is in any way the "gold standard."

As hard as it may be, the NYT uses straightforward clues. There was no mention in this movie of cryptic crosswords, which are a whole 'nother level as far as I'm concerned.

I am a bit biased, admittedly. My great-uncle makes cryptic crosswords for The Guardian in the UK. But they're not unknown here -- The Nation's Frank W. Lewis, a former codebreaker in WW II, does some fiendish ones.

I don;t have the full space or the expertise to really write at length on the cryptic ones, but I'll use Lewis' standard example: A clue that says "Ground rules" would be "lures." And that's just a basic one -- most are more complex than that, and involve multiple syllable clues.

Let me try to give a bad example. Say the solution is "Lexicon." The clue might be something like "Super villain pulls the wool around one."

Super-villain = "Lex"

"pulls the wool" = "con"

"I" = "1"

Lex and con are "around" one. See? With cryptics, once you get the right answer, it's usually pretty obvious, based on the clue, that it is correct.

The NYT may have some slightly abstract clues, but they're all more straightforward than that.

I'd like to see all these super-fans of the NYT puzzle take on teh Guardian version, or even the Nation version. I generally require the help of my grandfather to finish.

Posted by LYT at 2:29 AM | Comments (9)

June 27, 2006

Help.

Two years or so ago, I voluntarily demoted myself in order to have the free time to devote to creative endeavors like MAD COWGIRL. I don't regret that, as the movie is wonderful. But the demotion was always a finite gamble.

And the due date is on the horizon for me -- My savings are lowering and I need to be making more money. It has occurred to me that the schedule of a film critic would allow for a part-time day job also. Combined, I think that would be enough.

I ask you, readers, if you know of any available work that I would be qualified to do. I cannot compete with the LA Weekly, and Mon-Thu evenings must be left open for screenings. I could write press releases or product descriptions; I've been an editor in the journalistic sense of the word...

I mean, if you want to cast me in a movie or buy one of my scripts, that'd be great too. But I figure that goes without saying (or at least without saying again).

Posted by LYT at 1:40 AM | Comments (8)

June 26, 2006

Some quick notes...

While I cruelly withhold most film-fest blogging in hopes of a later paycheck, I did have a fun time with David Poland over the weekend seeing a certain movie, and he writes about the whole thing here. Check it out!

My T-shirt for THE ROOM attracted a lot of attention yesterday, both from fans in the know and fellow critics who generally said "Wait...so what is that?" When I told them, to a one they all walked off enthused about seeing it. The guy at the Jay and Silent Bob comic store in Westwood said he was intent on getting Kevin Smith to watch it.

If you're trying to reach me by phone this week, you probably won't (but let me know how late you'll be up, and if it's close to midnight, I may be able to get to you)...however, I can check email at the fest.

Posted by LYT at 9:57 AM | Comments (2)

June 25, 2006

Two pictures, worth 2000 words

Posted by LYT at 2:59 AM | Comments (11)

June 24, 2006

Got WOODS?

Every time I travel, it seems someone asks me about THE WOODS. Generally speaking, I seldom have anything to offer beyond what you read here.

But Jaye got some tentatively pretty good news today: THE WOODS DVD release is set for August 31st...on Region 2 PAL DVD.

In English, please?

Precisely. Region 2 is England. So those of you with multi-region, multi-format players are set, but we don't have confirmation on anything U.S. (Region 1 NTSC) as yet.

This is a bare-bones disc with multiple language tracks but no extras. Still, the fact that it's coming out at all is a great relief to all those who worked on it.

Posted by LYT at 2:41 PM | Comments (7)

Where I'm at...

For the next ten days or so I'll be at the LA Film Festival. Normally I'd blog it every day, but I'm supposed to do a summation piece for E! Online, and E! has weird rules for freelancers that maybe preclude me from recycling anything. So minimal stuff here.

Tomorrow, however, I'll be going to the Press Club awards and then The Room.

Posted by LYT at 2:50 AM | Comments (9)

June 23, 2006

Always ROOM for more

Don't forget -- THE ROOM -- 3rd anniversary screening this Saturday night at midnight at the Sunset 5. A free t-shirt is promised with every ticket, this night only. And tickets are only $7! How can you go wrong?

I have my ticket already. Hope to see you there.

"HI BABE! DEEZ ARE FOR YUUUU!"

Posted by LYT at 3:13 AM | Comments (7)

June 22, 2006

It is truly surreal how insane some right-wingers are

The NRA seriously believes the United Nations is going to try to take away their guns on July 4.

I'm embarassed for my fellow human beings on this one. And it's one more reason why, despite the fact that I don't oppose gun ownership, I will NEVER join the NRA.

(tip:Tom Tomorrow)

Posted by LYT at 4:21 PM | Comments (34)

SCREENING OPPORTUNITY

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST. Directed by Gore Verbinski, starring Johnny Depp, Pretty-Boy Dude, Octopus Guy, and Sexiest Tomboy Beanpole.

Wednesday night.

To reiterate the rules:

-One person only.
-I must know you, either personally or by reputation.
-You must be able to make the screening when I email you the full details.
-Please don't waste time replying to this post if you are unable to attend.

Posted by LYT at 3:04 AM | Comments (3)

Click it: The ticket?

"Sandler plays it ever-so-slightly more grown-up than usual as Michael Newman, a successful architect married to Kate Beckinsale with two kids. Like every movie father, he works too much, but mostly his family understands. Stressed to a near-breaking point and dependent on junk food — he works for David Hasselhoff, which would make you feel inadequate too — Michael periodically lashes out with trademark Sandler-style immature outbursts, often directed at children. W.C. Fields was Mary Poppins compared to Michael, who deliberately runs over the neighbor kid's robot dog and later gets the kid in trouble by accusing him of smoking cigars. In real life, such behavior would be abhorrent, but onscreen it's just wrong enough to be funny."

whole thing HERE

Posted by LYT at 12:55 AM | Comments (2)

June 21, 2006

Portland pictures...at last!

There are more on my buzznet page. But here are some highlights:

Nancy Rommelmann and husband Din - this photo taken as undisputed proof that Din actually exists, a thesis disputed by Mickey Kaus.

The Wonder Bread/Hostess factory. There are several bread and milk factories in Portland.

Many Portland streets are this green - it's like a bunch of small towns side-by-side.

Our friend sean(connery) strikes a Sith Lord pose at Spencers.

A giant killer crab! Who will save us!

"Never fear, America's hero is here!"

And finally, the Clinton Street Theater, where you can drink beer, and where MAD COWGIRL played to an enthusiastic audience of about 15 people.

Posted by LYT at 3:55 PM | Comments (7)

Andrew & Me

To put recent events into context, it might help to explain how I know Andrew Breitbart. Maybe it'll indicate more clearly that this was not some attempt to slur a random conservative celebrity.

The first time I met him was at a party for a book he co-authored entitled HOLLYWOOD INTERRUPTED. He signed a copy for me, and the book was free. It's all about how many celebrities are decadent, strange, obnoxious, terrible role models, and (perhaps worst of all) liberal.

The second time was at a party for Luke Ford's book. Ronald Reagan had recently died, and I recalled how, at a party full of gay friends of mine, everyone had stood up and cheered. He asked if I wasn't outraged by that and I said not at all, I always hated the guy. What followed was a barrage of right-wing arguments that included him repeatedly calling me a liar, accusing me of having been indoctrinated my the liberal public school system (I grew up overseas, but that didn't matter) and the "Marxist" media, and saying things like "liberals don't believe in God so they worship their politicians."

Suffice it to say that that night he insulted me far more than any inference that might have been made from what I wrote the other day, however, the next time I saw him, he sucked it up and tried to be friends. We did at some point end up talking about Ann Coulter, and as soon as he tried to get into how the left-wing media doesn't want to hear a different point of view, I just laughed.

I later saw him on a panel at the right-wing Liberty Film Festival, where he was just about the only one who was actually entertaining. For a man who commented here that he has no jokes in his repertoire, he can be a very funny public speaker. I told him so the next time I saw him, to which he responded, "Oh, so you're warming to me?" We drank vodka together.

I don't think I saw him again until that party the other day. I thought we had a banter going, and given how unabashed he comes across, I didn't think he'd be easily offended, so I went for a slighlty ribbing tone.

I was wrong, and just as he sucked it up on my behalf before, I think I owe him the same courtesy.

Posted by LYT at 1:14 PM | Comments (14)

Still from 'MASTERS OF HORROR: SICK GIRL' dvd

That shirt looks mighty familiar...

Posted by LYT at 1:46 AM | Comments (5)

June 20, 2006

An Unqualified Apology for Andrew

Andrew Breitbart, and others, have taken offense to the way he was portrayed in my Ann Coulter post.

While I am not concerned what Ann may think of me, I am sorry for the small inaccuracies and the apparent inference of racism that could be read into what I said about Andrew. Though it was not intended as it was taken, I think I assumed a level of sarcastic familiarity that was not earned. We live and learn, and I have learned. It was a flippant piece, and I never meant to wrong him and am sorry that I have, in any way.

Blogging is a self-correcting phenomenon, and had I known in advance what the perception would be, believe it or not I would have written it differently. Consider this the correction.

"Tree climbing" versus "wall-falling" was truly an honest mistake, too. And if Andrew knows of any military base where they need balloons blown up, I'd be happy to take him up on his suggestion.

Posted by LYT at 8:52 AM | Comments (10)

It's 4:37 a.m.

Why am I awake?

I got back from seeing the new Adam Sandler movie at 10-something, watched the tail end of Monday Night Raw.

Internet slow as a mammoth foot through tar. Just my luck that conversation on the blog happens to be heating up, with an apparent soldier threatening possible violence upon me, and a cordial acquaintance possibly pissed off for good, though I can't tell for sure because tone is often hard to judge on the Internet.

I write the review. Have a drink or two. So much for sobriety.

Finish the review around 3 when my Internet connection goes down. This is probably the ideal low usage time for maintenance, as far as most people are concerned.

Not me. My deadline is first thing in the morning EST.

I've been sitting for an hour and a half, watching the connection nearly come back, then not. Wondering if I need to drive around looking for an all-night Kinkos.

Now it's back up. I think. I sent out the email and hope for the best.

Don't you just envy the glamorous life of a film reviewer?

Anyway, so this black guy and a gay dude walk into a bar, and they have intercourse. It's funny because it wasn't a gay bar.

Posted by LYT at 4:37 AM | Comments (5)

June 19, 2006

Superduperman Returns

I laughed inside.

The second, or maybe third trailer from SUPERMAN RETURNS had hit the web, and various Internet acquaintances far more invested in this thing than I, were saying things like it made them shed tears. It’s just a freakin’ movie, I said to myself.

But by the end of my first actual screening of the movie, with dampened ocular cavities of my own, I could no longer claim the high ground of condescension. There’s a line of dialogue in there spoken by the late Marlon Brando about the son seeing the world through his father’s eyes, and the father through the son’s, and it brings to mind the gap between this and the Richard Donner film hard-wired into my consciousness at the age of four. The adult me, viewing Bryan Singer’s film, touches the child me who remembers the Donner version. If you didn’t shed a tear when Christopher Reeve died, not because we lost a talented actor but because in a very real way it felt like Superman had died, you may be too cynical for this review.

Some have compared Superman to a Christ figure, and the movie makes it blatant, with the line about Jor-El sending his only son to be the light of the world, and a scene that involves “death” and resurrection with a crucifixion pose to boot (though, to be fair, the false death, or scheintod, was a heroic literary convention long before the New Testament used it). But in a more metaphorical sense, both Superman and Jesus are like the perfect parent, always there to solve the larger problems you can’t, and endlessly patient with the fact that you’ll never measure up to the perfect standard they set. Some may complain that Brandon Routh’s performance as Superman isn’t especially layered, but it shouldn’t be -- Superman is a very simple (not to be confused with simpleton) character. Make him too idiosyncratic or quirky or angst-ridden, and audiences won’t be able to project their own hopes onto him. Clark Kent gets to be quirky; Supes has to be our personal savior. Routh’s line-delivery did have a certain familiar ring to it, but only days later did I realize that his voice sounded a lot like Tom Cruise’s at certain points. It probably took me a while because Brandon isn’t insane.

The Donner film was my first exposure to Superman; only later did I start reading the comics, and then there was a period of time where I stopped for a while, and when I came back DC continuity had been utterly rebooted, which was confusing, because it got further away from the stuff I thought was canon. Singer takes Donner’s canon and nudges it more in the direction of the comics -- there’s an epic science-fiction vibe that the comics have that Donner didn’t nail, and Singer gets it, with the aid of money and effects that weren’t possible before. Just to prove it, the movie opens by once again showing us the explosion of Krypton, and then our POV takes of through the universe, past ringed worlds, novas, planets cracked in half like the second death star...until finally we get to Earth. I really hope this is one of the IMAX 3-D sequences, as it seems made for that. Oh, and here’s the big kicker -- the original John Williams theme and the original credits font come right out at you, literally. This is as close as it gets, on a primal moviegoing level, to the STAR WARS opening crawl. But the first SUPERMAN movie in over 20 years delivers the goods in a way the first STAR WARS movie after a similar hiatus never could. Thank the fresh blood for that -- I doubt the Richard Donner of today has it in him to do anything like this.

Those who view the new movie as a direct sequel to SUPERMAN II are, I think, slightly mistaken -- it’s the equivalent of saying BATMAN FOREVER is a direct sequel to BATMAN RETURNS. Yes, there are some holdovers (Marlon Brando, the Kryptonian crystals, that familiar music = Pat Hingle and Michael Gough in BATMAN FOREVER), but it’s best to see this as its own unique thing, with a backstory that probably correlates somewhat with what you know, but isn’t slavishly bound to it. This allows Singer to skip the origin story completely, and thank God for that -- origin stories are boring (most egregious in this department was Ang Lee’s HULK, which took an hour to explain what we already freakin’ knew -- Bruce Banner gets big and green when he’s angry). Besides, who doesn’t know Superman’s story? All we get is a text blurb which tells us that Superman has been away for five years investigating the remains of Krypton. Judging by his neon blue eyes, however, it looks like he also spent time on planet Arrakis snorting sandworm spice.

[Note to readers: No editor I have ever worked with would have let me get away with the preceding sentence]

No-one yet seems to have picked up on the fact that the new Superman actually cribs a key plot point from Todd McFarlane’s SPAWN -- it’s almost THE key plot point, in fact. Hero returns to his familiar ground to discover that the woman he loves has not only found a new man, but has even had a child with him, something he was never able to do. Some will take issue with the fact that Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane looks too young to have been an ace reporter five years ago. Bosworth is 23, playing it slightly older, and yes, she does look a bit too young, but I got over that. Her performance is about as good as it possibly could be. What’s stranger is that she wears glasses sometimes. Not out of the question for her to do so, obviously...but didn’t you always kinda think that maybe no-one recognizes Clark Kent as Superman because no-one else actually wears glasses in the office?

A central problem with Superman, at least until DC rebooted him post-Crisis, is how to put him in any jeopardy when he’s indestructible? The answer is twofold: Put his loved ones in danger, and use lots and lots of Kryptonite. Singer does both.

As master criminal Lex Luthor, Kevin Spacey excellently treads a fine line that’s likely to please both fans of the comic-book millionaire tycoon Lex and the Gene Hackman goofy Lex. Thankfully, he never does the Hackman Chuckle (“HEH heh-heh”). He does have a comedic sidekick, but it makes more sense that it’s Parker Posey, as a character named Kitty Kowalski, rather than Ned Beatty (which Superman movie is it that’s supposed to be gay, again?), because hell, Parker Posey probably shows him a better time, although her principal script purpose is to make sarcastic wisecracks, like this exchange:

Lex: “What was it my father used to say?”
Kitty: “You’re bald’?
Lex: “No, before that.”
Kitty: “Get out”?

But anyway, Lex likes books and Mozart like Hackman, but he’s also a big tycoon since getting out of prison, having romanced a dying widow. He has a collection of wigs, but only uses them for disguises. One, I swear to God, makes him look like Tommy Wiseau.

The real standout in the cast, though, is Sam Huntington as Jimmy Olsen. This kid is note-perfect, and absolutely hilarious even when doing something as simple as chomping down on a burrito. I would seriously consider giving him a Best Supporting Actor nod if it were up to me. Argue all you want about Christopher Reeve versus Brandon Routh, or Kidder/Bosworth, Hackman/Spacey, whatever; good people can disagree honestly. But if you even try to say that Marc McClure was anywhere near Huntington, you are just flat out objectively wrong. As for the Marlon Brando footage -- it sounds piped in from inferior speakers, but isn’t used that much. Incidentally, as a tie-in to the movie, an action figure is coming out that I believe is the first ever Marlon Brando toy. Exclusive to Target, I hear. The custom possibilities are amusing to speculate upon.

Now, as to the whole “How gay is Superman?” question. The answer is “Not.” It is absolutely spelled out for you, during the course of the movie, that both Superman and Luthor have previously had sexual relations with women (mercifully off-camera). Flying around in tights is somewhat inherently gay, but beyond that, Supes digs cooch. Jimmy may be gay for Clark, but that’s a whole different editorial for the Advocate after the movie opens.

Speaking of the tights: While the costume isn’t a problem for me as it is for some, I do miss the yellow s-shield on the cape, which is now gone. A cool new detail, though, is that his chest logo is actually made up of a whole bunch of tiny S-logos. Watch for that in IMAX.

I’m not sure why WB didn’t just get John Williams to handle the whole score -- Singer regular John Ottman does the honors, but reuses a lot of Williams motifs, which are what have the real impact.

What more can I say? The movie is epic, heroic, and human. It appeals to our collective yearning for a savior to swoop in and save this world that we’ve hopelessly screwed up, especially in the last five years (Superman’s 5-year vacation is not arbitrary -- he would have left Earth right before 9-11). It’s more clearly a fantasy than the Donner films, with its art-deco Metropolis and intergalactic opening, but the smaller character moments have a lot of thought put into them as well. 30 minutes of it will be in 3-D for the IMAX print, and I don’t know which scenes they are, but I can guess. I’ll definitely be checking it out again.

Over the past few years, there have been lots of superhero movies, and while I’ve enjoyed most of them, none has ever made my 10 best list at year’s end (though, in hindsight, THE INCREDIBLES should have -- I only really appreciated how great it was after multiple viewings). Not Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN, not Nolan’s BATMAN, not Singer’s X-MEN, and most certainly not the Thomas Jane PUNISHER.

But this? This is in my top three right now, alongside UNITED 93 and A LION IN THE HOUSE, and is likely to stay there. I fully admit that I suspended many of my critical faculties, because this tapped directly into the “Superman” gene that had been lying dormant since the death of Mr. Reeve. It’s a primal thing -- when my brother Adam was two years old and he got a Superman figure for Christmas, he immediately started trying to sing the John Williams Superman theme. It’s hard to believe Superman figures weren’t available when I was a kid (Kenner’s Super Powers line never made it to Ireland), but maybe that makes it all the more special to see the man onscreen.

Thank you, Bryan Singer. When I think of what we could have had: Nicolas Cage and Tim Burton, for one. I read Gregory Poirer’s lame script that had four villains, including Silver Banshee and Parasite. I also read Kevin Smith’s highly overrated, highly compromised piece that, in the author’s ideal world, would have seen Ben Affleck in the lead. We nearly got Wolfgang Petersen directing a Colin Farrell Batman opposite a Josh Hartnett Superman. J.J. Abrams did a script where Krypton was never destroyed, and Jor-El (then assumed to be Anthony Hopkins) actually talks his son out of being dead. Hell, Paul Walker was actually a serious candidate for the cape at one point.

I admit to some curiosity as to how Cage would have done it. But I’m also really, really glad WB waited, and let Singer practice on the X-MEN first.

This is everything it should be. And if it doesn’t work for you, I can’t imagine what would.

Posted by LYT at 4:50 PM | Comments (15)

Huge opportunity for aspiring musicians

As you know, Jaye at Poperratic has a record deal, an established track record on soundtracks like MAY and MASTERS OF HORROR, and a good shot at further high-profile movie soundtracks. What she doesn't have, and seeks, is a full band. Read on:

Various positions open. Great opportunity for dedicated, energetic, creative and hard-working musicians to join a established band with a record deal. Benefits include collaboration, gigs (and possible tour dates), recordings, media/exposure opportunities, label support, and income earning potential. Not seeking a backing band... you will immediately become a full bandmate and enjoy all benefits as such - simply come in with enthusiasm, drive, and initiative, and you will be treated as an equal.

Minimum Requirements:

* Age: early 20s to mid 30s (exceptions can be made for great candidate). Women and men of all backgrounds equally encouraged to apply.

* Reside near Silver Lake (Hollywood), CA or be willing to relocate immediately.

* Own basic gear for gigging/recording.

* Willingness to commit as a full bandmate, including shared responsibilities with promotions, correspondence, Web content, and other band affairs, reliable rehearsal and gig attendence/availability. Easy-going, adaptable, initiative, pro-band/family attitude. Only team players will be considered.

* Not required, but Vocals, the ability to play multiple instruments, and like-minded songwriters/collaborators, are also a plus.

Please write to request interview (no formal auditions will be held - interviews will be conducted via phone or in-person). Include: brief description of instruments played and any other musical skills, any links to your music or site if you have one (File attachments will be deleted, without prior consent), and a short list of bands/artists who have had the biggest influence on your playing style and/or songwriting. If you have other things to say about yourself, feel free. Every bit that makes me feel like I'm interacting with a real human being who recognizes and wants a good opportunity, the better.

If you can't figure out how to contact her via the link above and are interested, contact me and I'll send word along. I know I've got some talented musicians reading this thing.

Posted by LYT at 1:44 AM | Comments (1)

June 18, 2006

Ann. Tea. Christ! [UPDATED, because aside from Ann and Larry King, I never meant to hurt nobody]

You know how people sometimes worry that they have friends who don't like each other, and it's said that "you can't invite them to the same party"?

Read on for an extreme exaggeration that actually happened.

Cathy Seipp had a party yesterday -- a pretty big do to celebrate both daughter Maia's high school graduation and the fact that Cathy herself had clobbered the cancer odds and stayed healthy enough to see it happen.

I've been to Cathy's place before for parties, but this wasn't a normal-scale thing. She actually had formal valet parking going on, prompting regular guest Andrew Breitbart -- suffering from a large bloody gash on his ankle obtained while climbing a tree [UPDATE: actually, falling off a wall.] -- to say that he was going to have a party just so he could hire the valet service.

Andrew's hair is unkempt, in an attempt to fit it with the other folks on Venice Beach. He lacks the facial hair of the true California Venetian, but claims he did have it a while ago. We briefly discuss porn, for some reason -- he says he doesn't like anything that shows him stuff he hasn't seen during the creation of his four children.

There was also private catering, and the whole backyard was decked out with picnic tables and a bar which served wine, corona, and Hansen's root beer.

I discuss movies for a bit with producer Lionel Chetwynd, reassuring him that the new Superman isn't gay. I tell him we met at the first Liberty Film Fest, and he replies, "Oh, you were one of the ones who organized the whole thing, right?" I assure him not - the only thing I have in common with Jason Appuzzo is liking Revenge of the Sith. Then a friend of Cathy's dad mentions that she's the daughter of the late screenwriter Michael Blankfort, and it turns out Lionel worked with him once.

A few people ask why Luke Ford isn't in attendance. I figure it's either (a) because he's not allowed to drive on the Sabbath; or (b) he doesn't want the valet people to see his serial killer van.

Some of the kids in attendance bring a copy of the Game of Life outside, then get bored of it almost immediately. The dog comes by and lays a big turd in the box. Matt Welch is without camera when it happens; by the time he fetches the camera, Cathy has used a shovel to remove the evidence, though skidmarks remain, and are very nearly touched by human hands several times.

The dog is later removed because one of Maia's Muslim friends doesn't want it to touch her.

The food all looks great but I refrain from having much of it due to an impending dinner date.

Word spreads that Ann Coulter is supposed to be coming, with Mickey Kaus. Mickey is ostensibly a centrist Democrat, but has long seemed to have a fetish for blonde Republican pundits. This is not to imply that they are or are not dating -- I have no idea.

So anyway, while talking to Christian Johnson and Donna Barstow, I see Mickey arrive with the Ann-tichrist herself. Donna says I have to talk to her; that she would if she were more familiar with Ann's work. Christian is anxious to get a picture with Ann. It's funny how there are people here who have probably used all kinds of invective to describe her, yet immediately wanted to talk to her. Liberal blogger Joseph Mailander, for one, was seen conversing pleasantly with her, and I hope he blogs about what was said, cuz I'd like to know.

Andrew's a fan of Ann's -- I hear a fragment of a joke he tells her that begins "There were these two black guys..." but I didn't catch the punchline. It was probably funny. [UPDATE: Some have surmised that I intended slanderous things with this graf; Andrew provides full context way down in the comments below]

I ask Matt Welch if he'd met her. He responds "Have you met Eichmann?"
Matt is amused to snap a picture of Joseph and Ann. At first, I thought he was just trying to get one of Joseph in the same frame as Roger L. Simon The Man Who Created Moses Wine, whom Joseph frequently and amusingly beats up on metaphorically. Roger looks to have gained weight since last I saw him. Too much lounging around in pajamas?

I did not speak to Ann, though had I done so, I'd have asked what church she attends. I can tell you that she's very tall, freakishly thin, and has big hooters, though not obviously fake ones.

I tell Matt that I'm thinking of a joke along the lines of "What's the difference between Ann Coulter and a turd in a box?" I haven't figured out a punchline, but it probably ends with "....and the other is a turd in a box."

Then we discuss the Press Club giving a big award to Larry King next weekend. Matt claims Larry King used to be good.

I leave early for my dinner date, as Cathy and Maia eagerly pose for pictures with Ann.

Posted by LYT at 4:50 PM | Comments (44)

June 17, 2006

Vote for me!

Film Threat is running a poll on their main page (lower right-hand side), asking which critic is more likely to beat Uwe Boll's ass in a boxing match.

Right now Harry Knowles has 39% of the vote, and I'm at 4%. Surely that's not right! Go vote!

(in fact, Robert Wilonsky would be the most likely, as he has actual boxing training. But he's not an option.)

Thanks to Paul H. for the heads-up, who was so excited he had to call me at 8:45 a.m. on a Saturday morning.

Posted by LYT at 12:14 PM | Comments (12)

June 16, 2006

Is Nacho Supreme?

So why haven't I written about NACHO LIBRE?

After all, as Lucky McKee said, it's the perfect movie for me: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE director plus wrestling.

Here's the thing: I can't think of anything to say about it beyond the thuddingly obvious: It is NAPOLEON DYNAMITE all over again, with Lucha Libre in place of sweet dance moves. There's an outcast hero who's kind of a loser even when he wins, an out-of-it Mexican sidekick, a big competition at the end against a popular favorite, a pretty sweet bike that our hero takes a painful pratfull off of, a fetishized snack food (street-vended corn on the cob instead of Tater Tots) a chaste love interest, a laid back score, an unpleasant older colleague with a bad hairdo...and most importantly, the entire tone of the movie is the same, with everyone appearing to be in a slight daze, not from drugs, but rather like they perceive the world as if it were underwater.

So I liked the movie, but I would like it more if NAPOLEON DYNAMITE didn't exist to show how much the same it is. Jack Black, who plays our hero Ignacio (NOT "Nacho," as some inattentive critics have written - that's his lucha alias only), has a totally different vibe from Jon Heder, which is what makes things different, and his Latin accent is hilarious, occasionally sounding like a perfect doppelganger of Antonio Banderas.

One thing to note about the wrestling matches -- we seldom see them end. There's fighting, one side becomes dominant (most are tag team bouts), and then...we go back to the locker room to see the pissed-off losers. But why no pinfall or submission? I don't think that's too much of an anal wrestling-fan question. If anyone cares, the matches are portrayed as legit competition, though several familiar WWE moves, notably Rey Mysterio's 619, get utilized. Various luchadores play supporting roles, most notably former WCW mid-carder Silver King as the arch-villain.

I think kids will like it. And it's even kinda Christian, though they only mention God and not specifically Christ, which may upset the gang at Movieguide who took points off BRUCE ALMIGHTY for that.

Oh, and if the main theme song, "Real Religious Man," by someone named Mr. Loco, doesn't get the Oscar for best original song, it will prove either that the song isn't as original as it seems, or that people are stupid. Either way, I suggest Mr. Loco's people shoot a video for the thing, like, yesterday.

Posted by LYT at 10:38 PM | Comments (14)

A Kryptic pre-review

The year is 1999.

After 20-some years, a new chapter in that cinematic saga you loved as a kid has come to theaters.

The room darkens. The movie begins. That John Williams music strikes a chord with you so primal that it circumvents reason, going straight to the visceral response.

Now, imagine that, instead of being a kiddified disappointment, that first viewing of The Phantom Menace had lived up to every expectation you had for a movie following in some mighty big footsteps. So much so that while you're watching, you don't even miss the original cast members who became iconic.

Yes, just imagine...

Posted by LYT at 11:44 AM | Comments (10)

June 15, 2006

How could I forget?

We've been talking about sci-fi and wrestling combining with uncomfortable results, and I must admit I feel chastened to realize I forgot to mention possibly the most ludicrous sci-fi based wrestling gimmick of all time.

It happened in a women's wrestling league, of all places. Back in the '80s, when Matt Frewer gained some popularity with his character Max Headroom, supposedly a computer-generated talk-show host with a passion for golf and music videos, this wrestling company decided, hey, wouldn't it be a great idea to copy that?

Only we'll add to the gimmick. He'll not only be computer-generated, but an Englishman with a knighthood as well!

The result was Sir Miles Headlock.

And I think all my readers know by now what became of him. I think the bookers of the new ECW show need to "pick up the damn phone!"

Posted by LYT at 1:22 AM | Comments (2)

Review stuff

This week, I take on that popular movie about cars. No, the other one.

"Remember when Lost in Translation got all that critical acclaim, but there were still a few naysayers who pointed out that nothing much actually happens in it? If it had had more fast cars and no capable acting whatsoever, it would be this movie; it's like Sofia Coppola went through Pimp My Ride film school. This feels like one of those lousy direct-to-video sequels that hopes to trick you out of your rental money and deliver none of the elements you liked about the previous movies. Never will Paul Walker be more missed."

read the rest.

And here's a short take:

LOVERBOY

In his big-screen directorial debut, Kevin Bacon gleefully flaunts wife Kyra Sedgwick’s naked body for all to envy, in what initially plays as a deranged sex comedy about a woman so desperate to be pregnant that she maximizes the odds at every opportunity. Once that’s achieved, Bacon the director indulges his wife, letting her play crazy and emotional in a showy performance that screams “serious actress” with a capital S. Based on a novel by Victoria Redel, the film focuses on single mom Elizabeth (Sedgwick), whose parents were such narcissistic, nymphomaniac pricks that she’s determined to be the opposite, and becomes a selfless mother to the point of derangement, culminating in an incident that’s perhaps a wee bit over the top. Bacon himself appears in flashback as Elizabeth’s father (who’s your daddy, indeed), and the couple’s real-life daughter Sosie plays young Emily, who, in the movie’s best scene, belts out an impressive a cappella rendition of David Bowie’s “Life on Mars.” In an uncredited cameo, Sandra Bullock is surprisingly good.

Posted by LYT at 12:53 AM | Comments (1)

June 14, 2006

Extremely Misguided

Last night saw the debut of the "new" Extreme Championship Wrestling on the Sci-fi channel, as previously mentioned.

ECW was always popular as a promotion because of its level of hardcore violence, lengthy elaborate matches, and realtive lack of outlandish gimmicks. The idea that the new product might have to be tailored to a sci-fi crowd was a warning sign. WWE Smackdown had previously handled that kind of thing the best way they could, by intorducing the "supernatural" Boogeyman as a charcter from a failed UPN pilot forced on WWE by the network. Boogeyman still can't wrestle very well, but he is entertaining.

Okay, here's a rule of spin-offs: You have ONE character from the popular show go to the new show, temporarily or not (O'Brien in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 90210's Kelly on Melrose Place, etc.) to put over the new cast. What you do NOT do is have the entire new show totally dominated by people from the old show, completely ignoring the new guys you want people to like. So who are the stars of the first episode of ECW? John Cena, Edge, Kurt Angle, and the Big Show, with glorified cameos by Rob Van Dam, Sandman, and Sabu.

The show opens, with an endless, painful RVD interview segment involving Cena and Edge. Everyone involved seems to be late on their cues, in part because RVD is having trouble holding the WWE and ECW titles at the same time (and I mean literally holding; they keep slipping off his shoulders).

Then out comes a wrestler called "The Zombie." He grabs the mic to cut a promo. "RAAAAAAARGH! AAAAARGH! ARRRRGGGHHH!" Okay, I have to admit, it was funny, and the announcers played it off like a bad joke. Then Sandman comes out and beats the guy half to death with a cane, and draws the only blood of the night by beating his own forehead with the cane.

Rumor has it the zombie was going to be an alien, but people were afraid that having an alien get beaten up would alienate Sci-Fi fans. Yes, someone out there actually thought like that.

The rest of the show isn't much worth talking about, though it teased a vampire wrestler, played by former failed WWE gimmick-guy Mordecai.

The thing is, I think you could do a sci-fi wrestling show, but not ECW. Lucha libre. I mean, I just saw NACHO LIBRE, and I may review it in full later, but there's a part where Nacho fights two midgets with devil horns and fangs, and it totally works. But it wouldn't work on an ECW show.

Japanese-style could work too -- a lot of those guys dress like Power Rangers.

Another thing -- having ECW in front of a Smackdown audience kills it. That crowd does not know or care who people like Tony Mamaluke are, and you gave them no introduction that would help, either.

Posted by LYT at 12:41 PM | Comments (2)

Interesting marketing tactic on Fast & Furious 3

My forthcoming review took pains not to give away a crucial plot detail late in the story...but I just saw a TV spot that flagrantly gives it away...in a dishonest fashion that implies it's more significant to the entire movie than it is.

Spoileriffic details after the jump...

The big "surprise" is that, while most of the film features no continuity from the previous two films, Vin Diesel appears at the very end to set up a possible sequel. As soon as I heard there was a "surprise" ending, I figured that had to be it.

The TV spot I just saw on sci-fi shows his scene, and practically implies that he's the star of the thing. Don't be fooled. A very one-note Lucas Black is the lead, and his rival is an Asian-American actor you're probably not familiar with.

Posted by LYT at 12:02 AM | Comments (2)

June 13, 2006

Last-minute SCREENING POSSIBILITY

NACHO LIBRE, tonight in Hollywood, early evening.

Get in touch ASAP if you want to be my guest.

Also available: CLICK, starring Adam Sandler, Christopher Walken, and David Hasselhoff, next Monday night.

Posted by LYT at 12:16 PM | Comments (1)

June 12, 2006

Help the GAYMAN movies become a sensation (sensation, yeah)!!

They're up at iFilm and Youtube now. We need comments and votes.

YOUTUBE LINKS:
Gayman 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olsHjvjdJs8

Gayman 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNyVCCvtB9o

IFILM:
Gayman 1:
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2732767

Gayman 2:
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2732954

Posted by LYT at 1:05 PM | Comments (10)

I'm back, and here's Louie

A few meager photos from Portland to come.

In the meantime, you can watch Louis C.K.'s HBO sitcom online HERE.

It's oddly low key, and features much familiar material, but has its moments -- I'm not sure yet if I prefer it to the failed network pilot I saw live, though the scene with Jim Norton is fairly classic. And any longtime fans have to love that Rick Shapiro and Laura Kightlinger are regulars -- it's the equivalent of Jesse Hlubik and Angela Bettis being on Masters of Horror.

One day, I hope TOMORROW NIGHT will be out on DVD and Louis will direct another movie. Until then, there's this. I'll keep watching online if it keeps going up, but I wouldn't get HBO for it.

Posted by LYT at 12:38 AM | Comments (7)

June 9, 2006

quickly...

I am now in Portland, at Nancy Rommelmann's house. Not much time, so briefly,

-if you're in Portland, come see MAD COWGIRL and meet me Saturday night

-Louis C.K.'s HBO sitcom debuts on Sunday. If you have the premium cable, watch it.

Posted by LYT at 10:00 PM | Comments (7)

June 8, 2006

My Grandfather's Column

A terrifying religion

On May 5th I watched. a fascinating but highly dusturbing TV programme - God's Next Army.
It was about an American "academic" institution called Patrick Henry College. It was founded with a clearly stated purpose: to become a university, the members of which would all be Bible-believing evangelical Christians, who would all share the extreme literalist position and go on to become people who would be the leaders of the American nation and ultimately make it a truly "Christian" Republic.

To achieve these goals the majority of the students are drawn from Christian families who educate their children at home, away from the polluting influence of mainstream schools. All new students have to swear (and sign to their oath in front of the whole year's intake), that they will abstain from alcohol, tobacco, all illegal drugs and several other things deriving from their own pathetic interpretation of the Scriptures. They are expected to believe that Jesus condemned the drinking of alcohol, in spite of his having been recorded as turning a vast quantity of water into wine in his first miracle, according to St John's Gospel.

In the film the students were shown campaigning for the Republican party. They had to support it because it stood for lower taxes, anti-gay, anti-abortion and pro gun policies. Lower taxes because "The earth is the Lord's not the State's". We should be strong against evil; so carry a gun. A lecturer was shown teaching creationism, explaining that the various strata in the earth's physical make-up were not the result of millions of years of geological movement but all derived from the biblical flood, from which Noah, his family and all the animals escaped in the ark.

President Bush is delighted to have the products of this college as interns at the White House. There, the centre of political power, is where many of the students aspire to be, so that in due course they will be able to shape the furure of their country.

The film reminded me forcefully of the way Hitler brain-washed the German people. What particularly disturbs me is that this rigidly thought-controlled group of extreme right wing politicians in the making claim to be the only true Christians. I've heard the same claim from the lips of English evangelicals but for the most part I've found no great problem there and indeed I share a great many of their views. These Patrick Henry people openly seek political power and refuse to see that they thereby succumb to the famous temptations in the wilderness that Jesus resisted.

These people aim to enslave people to their rigid and oppressive dogmas. The Jesus I know came to set us free.

--Peter Graham

[Editorial note: Though invoking the "H" word may seem extreme, consider that someone who was actually captured by the Nazis is perhaps more entitled to use it -- LYT]

Posted by LYT at 10:35 AM | Comments (11)

LAW, meet LYT

Today, for the first time, my byline appears in the film section of the L.A. Weekly (scroll down to "The Long Weekend").

I wonder if anyone who doesn't know better will complain about having a syndicated reviewer who couldn't possibly understand Los Angeles?

Posted by LYT at 12:13 AM | Comments (2)

June 7, 2006

Ann-tichrist update

I took a look through Ann Coulter's new book in target today. I was mostly surprised to find that it wasn't very readable -- I expected someone so apparently media savvy to have a better ghostwriter.

But one part I did manage to get through advanced a very curious argument. Ann, so she claims, is a Christian, though wishing death on all your opponents seems inconsistent with that particular philosophy. Then again, she also refers to Jews as Christians because they believe in the God of Abraham (I kid you not, it's in the introduction of the book). The fact that Muslims do likewise is totally lost on her.

But anyway, she is also a creationist, and in this new book, argues against Darwin thusly: The existence of more complex organisms that are similar to older, primitive ones is no proof of evolution; if it were, we could argue that the walkman naturally evolved into an iPod, or that the Wright Brothers plane evolved into a jumbo jet. In other words, intelligent design.

Why yes, Ann, we could argue that. Except...the reason an iPod is more advanced than a walkman is that human beings have gained more knowledge and understanding of science over time, and are smarter than they used to be. Are you saying that God is now smarter than he used to be? And if so, doesn't that prove that he didn't have infinite knowledge at one point in time?

Posted by LYT at 6:40 PM | Comments (5)

Because it's a day for 42, apparently (updated)

John Tenta, better known as former WWF superstar Earthquake (and also as "Shark Attack" in WCW, but let's do him a favor and try to forget about that), is dead at the age of 42. Not for any of the usual reasons this time, but cancer. He'd been fighting it for a few years now, and seemed like he might beat it.

His debut on WWF TV was one of the best I've seen. Mean Gene was hosting a push-up contest in Wheeling, WV, between Dino Bravo and the Ultimate Warrior, with the idea that they'd pick a fat guy from the crowd to sit on the athlete's back while they did the push-ups. The spotlight turned to Tenta, who was over 400 pounds. Gene asked him his name, and he said "John." In a cheap pop to rival any of MIck Foley's, Gene then said "I assume you're from WEST VIRGINIA, John?" He nodded (though he wasn't really local at all). Then he sat on Dino's back for the push-ups, but his legs never left the ground. Gene pretended this was the most impressive thing he'd ever seen.

So then comes the Warrior's turn, and as soon as he gets down in the position, Tenta jumps on his back and starts beating him up, debuting his fearsome finishing move wherein he stomps in a circle around his victim for effect, then bounces off the ropes to take a running sit down on the Warrior's chest. The following week, we're told that the man's name is "Canadian Earthquake." The "Canadian" part is quickly dropped, probably when marketing people realize that canada really doesn't have a big earthquake problem. Quake went on to feud with Hulk Hogan, and later form a championship tag team called the Natural Disasters with Fred "Typhoon" Ottman (previously known as Tugboat, and later to become infamous in WCW as the truly embarassing Shockmaster).

Thanks for the memories, big man.

UPDATE: In semi-related news, fans of '80s WWF action might want to check this out.

Posted by LYT at 1:20 PM | Comments (5)

Because he is the answer to life, the universe, and everything

Dave White turns 42 today

Happy birthday, you happy birth-gay!

Posted by LYT at 1:05 PM | Comments (1)

This is interesting

I always wondered what my keywords were.

Posted by LYT at 2:12 AM | Comments (6)

June 6, 2006

This is an odd one...

"If a Martian landed in America and set out to determine the nation's official state religion, he would have to conclude it is liberalism"

That's a quote from Ann Coulter in her new book. I was not aware we liberals wielded that much power. I guess the fact that we never actually seem to use it is what threw me off.

Posted by LYT at 6:47 PM | Comments (6)

6-6-06: A day that will tear you apart.

Posted by LYT at 1:29 PM | Comments (5)

Unique New York

If any of my new New York readers are still here...

MAD COWGIRL
The Pioneer Theater
155 East 3rd Street
(between Avenues A and B, but closer to A)
New York, New York 10009

Friday, July 21, 2006 at 9:00 PM
Saturday, July 22, 2006 at 9:00 PM

The Pioneer is a 100-seat movie theater dedicated independent, alternative, foreign, genre, and "other" cinema. It is located at 155 East 3rd Street (between Avenues A and B), in Manhattan, New York City, right around the corner from the Two Boots Pizzeria and Video Store)

Directed by Gregory Hatanaka (Until The Night), the film stars Sarah Lassez (The Blackout, Nowhere), Walter Koenig (Star Trek, Babylon 5), James Duval ('Frank the Bunny' in Donnie Darko, The Doom Generation), Devon Odessa (The Omega Code, My So-Called Life) and Vic Chao (Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Dangerous)

Posted by LYT at 1:24 PM | Comments (0)

Angelenoes -- don't forget there's an election today

The Religious Right always vote for the small stuff, and you should too.

If you're having trouble deciding which judges to vote for, go to lacba.org to see who the Bar Association thinks is qualified. You can also go to smartvoter.org to see short statements from all candidates.

I'm not going to make any endorsements -- I vote in the Green Party primary, and all those candidates are running unopposed except for Senate candidates (I'm voting Todd Chretien, but it's not like any of them will win in the general anyway).

Posted by LYT at 12:58 AM | Comments (2)

June 5, 2006

Who says we're not family friendly here?

Webmaster Matt has a bunch of new songs for kids (yes, really.(

Posted by LYT at 10:55 PM | Comments (4)

O-MEN: THE LAST STAND

I promised Fox I'd review the new OMEN remake, so I'd better get to it before the thing opens.

Short review: The exact same thing as the 1976 movie, only more expensive and stupider.

Long review: read on...

The original OMEN, watched on late-night TV without my mother's permission, was the first I ever heard of "666," and I imagine that may be true for a lot of you. Thirty years on, the only point in remaking it seems to have been to hit that 6-6-06 date. Well, someone had to do something for that day, and Danzig doesn't have a new album anywhere near ready.

[Biblical scholars will tell you that the number 666 actually refers to the Emepror Nero, and that the word "antichrist" never appears in the BIble. Anton LaVey declared that the true Satanic number was 9. But never mind.]

Back in the '70s, when we had just gotten over a pointless war and gotten rid of a corrupt, lying, power-mad president -- as opposed to now, where we still have both -- people were more cynical and secular, and the religious Right hadn't permeated the nation as much as they have now. Moviegoers at the time, on average, were probably less likely to know various verses from Revelation, and more likely to think fundamentalist religion a bit crazy and outsider-ish. This is a factor that works against the remake. Are we really to believe that the number of the beast, antichrist, armageddon, etc., are strange and unfamiliar concepts?

For the sake of a movie, I'll accept that the son of Satan can be born from the womb of a jackal. But I have a really hard time accepting that a prominent U.S. diplomat and friend of the president is an avowed atheist. That's science fiction, folks.

Why does Satan choose a jackal to birth his son, anyway? Isn't that a bit needlessly attention getting?

If you haven't seen the original, here's what happens: Prominent diplomat Robert Thorn (Liev Schreiber) is in Italy when his wife gives birth. Told by a priest (who later turns out to be a liar and a closet Satanist) that the baby died in childbirth, that his wife (Julia Stiles) is now sterile, and that she's still comatose and doesn't know, Thorn agrees to accept an orphaned baby, pretending it's their own. Stupidly, he never ever seems to look at the infant's bare head, which could have saved him a lot of trouble later on.

See, the son of the devil, and everyone who follows him, has a birthmark in the shape of three sixes. So some people are just born to follow the devil, it seems; one of whom is crazy priest Pete Postlethwaite, only he's changed his mind about it.

Here the theology gets odd -- Crazy Pete says that he's going to go to Hell unless he can persuade Thorn to believe in Jesus. This sounds like the cultish belief of the L.A. Church of Christ rather than Catholic doctrine. I'm not Catholic, but it was my understanding that in order to be saved, only two things were required -- acceptance of Jesus, and becoming a Catholic. Crazy Pete is both, but he still has that damn birthmark, and I guess Jesus hates those who don't get laser dermatological surgery in His name.

Incidentally, on the subject of God hating stuff: If you're going to be so fictitious as to have a non-Christian diplomat as the lead character, why not make him gay, and make it a movie about gay adoption? That would be more contemporary, and it would also explain why Thorn chooses not to accept Catholicism even when his face is rubbed in all the obvious biblical prophecy around him. If you learn for a fact that God and Satan are real, but God hates that you love guys, do you take His side? Hell of a dilemma that way. See, I should have written this remake.

Just to remind us that FINAL DESTINATION 3 already ripped off the best part of the story, David Thewlis shows up in the David Warner role as a photographer who notices that Satan drops clues to his future intentions into developing photos (film is still preferred to digital). It's funny to read some reviews suggesting that Thewlis is impersonating David Warner, as he's still doing the same old David Thewlis thing he always does. You might remember him in ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU ranting about how animal experimenattion is satanic, or going on about the number of the beast in NAKED. He's been a perfect match for this movie all along.

The evil kid, Damien, is played by Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick, and he's trying to hard to make monster faces. The original Damien, Harvey Stephens, who cameos here as a tabloid reporter, was creepy in the way that kids who don't say much are, but this new scowly kid is so telegraphed as EEEEEVIL that it's impossible to take him seriously.

Which is true of the whole movie, really. Michael Gambon shows up late in the game as a mad monk named Boobenhagen (OK, checked credits; it's actually "Bugenhagen," but it sounded like the other thing), and he seems to be channeling Tommy Wiseau. Theology is mangled -- Thewlis tells us that "Megiddo" is derived from "Armageddon," when it is in fact the other way around ("Har Megiddo" = "Armageddon"). The audience laughed out loud at most of the "scares," and I was with them. It really is quite fun, but you can't take it seriously in the least.

I'll give horror cred to two things: There's one really good scare involving wild dogs, and Mia Farrow as Hell's Nanny is genuinely creepy. Word to the wise, though: When your kid's nanny brings home a wild pitbull to be a pet, FIRE HER ASS!

Also, don't give Julia Stiles a bathtub scene and not show us any skin. That's just rude.

Posted by LYT at 2:52 PM | Comments (11)

June 3, 2006

For guys without girlfriends, this combination is almost like porn

ECW, the hardcore wrestling promotion that folded a few years ago, is being revived by the WWE as a sub-brand. It is going to have a weekly one-hour show...on the Sci-Fi channel.

Now, the cynical marketer might say that's fair enough -- wrestling is, in it's way, fiction, and the reason wrestlers get injured by chair-shots to the head is a result of physics and biology, i.e. science.

But there's been a rumor going around that Sci Fi Channel wants aliens on the show. And not just illegal aliens like Juventud Guerrera. Vince McMahon even made a public statement that the new ECW had to please three crowds -- the hardcore ECW fans, the fans of wrestling in general, and Sci-Fi fans. That last one has some people nervous.

The only sci-fi gimmicks that come to mind from wrestling's history were abject disasters. Konnan dressed up as an alien called Max Moon. Tekno Team 2000. Oh, and the one time that Robocop (yes, the real, official, Robocop, though it probably wasn't Peter Weller in the suit) interfered in a Ric Flair/Sting match.

Now the word is that there might be some vampire-themed wrestlers, rather than aliens. That's less bad; Classy Freddie Blassie was known as "the vampire," and let us not forget Gangrel whose protegees, Edge and Christian, both won world titles this year.

Other wrestling/sci-fi combos -- Goldberg starring in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER 2, and The Rock in DOOM. Ouch.

On paper, the show should be a dream come true for nerds like me. In practice, maybe not so much.

Posted by LYT at 8:31 PM | Comments (7)

Post-college, year 3: La Mirage

I wasn't to know it at the time, but this may have been one of the most significant transitional years of my life, right up there with 1989, when I left Ireland, or 1992, when I came to college.

First, a clarification - I've been referring to each of these "years" as if they were 12 months, which isn't really true. Leases are 12 months, but generally I didn't leave until a month or two after the expiration. At the 2-bedroom, I tried hard to stay, but couldn't do it by myself (I just got a notice in the mail saying they're buildinga whole new deal at that place - hope that doesn't mean tearing it all down and rebuilding, as neighborhood noise will be significant if so).

Okay. 1998. La Mirada apartments.

Everyone always asks you to spell "La Mirada." Even when you consciously say it as phonetically as possible ("LAH...MIH, RADAH"). Much of my mail still ended up addressed to "Lamarata Ave."

The landlady seemed really cool. Her name was Armine, she wasn't much older than me, and was from Eastern Europe somewhere. My previous landlady had turned really nasty as soon as I announced I was leaving, and Armine seemed a nice contrast. She gave me my pic of either an upstairs or downstairs place. I chose downstairs, figuring no stairs = good. In hindsight, I'd have gone with upstairs. Tell you why in a bit.

The place - small, but with an illusion of more space than was there. A divided main room/kitchen, and a small passageway to the narrow bathroom. I think it was shower only, but I forget. With only one main window facing inward to the courtyard, the place felt a bit like a cave, which was a vibe I liked.

Unfortunately, Armine stopped being the landlady at a certian point. I think either management changed, or she started dating one of the tenants. The new landlord was a Latino family man named Tino, who barely spoke English. His family spoke no English at all, and Tino worked elsewhere during the day. This was not helpful if there was ever a problem.

And then there was John Margala. A tall, skinny white guy with a ponytail, possibly some American Indian blood, who swept and raked the courtyard. I don't know if he was formally hired or not, but I assume he didn't do it for nothing. He'd often be sleeping in a sun-chair out by the pool during the day -- this because he stayed up insanely late every night (and this is me talking, so I mean INSANELY). And this was a problem, because he lived directly above me, and had really shitty taste in music.

As if it wasn't bad enough that he loved Bryan Adams and '80s hair metal, he seemed to play it on a record player where he would repeatedly skip the needle back to his favorite parts of the song. Think how annoying it is to hear the same song over and over again. Now imagine it's just the most annoying PART of "Cuts like a knife" ["nah nah nah, nah nah NAHHH NAH NAH, na-na"] over and over again. At 4 a.m.

He also used to have raging arguments with his girlfriend. Sometime I'd bang on the ceiling with a broom. Eventually th a-hole started banging back.

I've not used full names in most of these accounts, because I haven't wanted to hurt anybody. But John Margala was a bad neighbor, and I don't care who knows it.

I was still at the Sunset 5 when I started in the new place, but Matt King had moved on to work for an online toy retailer (whom I won't name, because they honestly might level a frivolous lawsuit. Suffice it to say they are not major players). Neither Matt nor his employers knew as much as I did about toys, and they offered me a trial run around December '98, paid in toys. Most of those toys didn't materialize; I was soon to find that the boss talked big and seldom delivered. But when they offered me more per week than the Sunset, I took it.

Basically, we were what is known as "toy scalpers." We'd buy stuff at K-B, or at toy shows, jack up the prices 100%, and sell them over eBay, which was an emerging new site at the time. The boss new a lot of other scalpers who'd give him stuff at cheap prices, though he gradually burned his bridges with all of them.

I had to remind the boss about my paycheck every single week. it was more than the Sunset, but I felt bad about being in such a parasitic job. Working with Matt was the only fun thing about it, although we were also both greatly amused by a tired old guy in suspenders named Dave who would occasionally lie down on the floor, and smoked like a chimney.

I wouldn't take it back, though, for this reason: While I was at that job, I learned how to use a PC, Excel, and the Internet. We take this stuff all for granted now, but since 1992 I had only used a Mac Classic II (which had cost $1500 in 1992 money). I had looked at some want ads and seen things like "Must be proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel." I didn't know what they were. Some of my friends in college had had Internet access, but never shared. In 1999, however, I bought my first PC, which was also my first DVD player. First DVD purchases? The Matrix and the South Park movie.

I had been writing movie reviews for Jaye's self-published 'zine Ateball, but grew frustrated that they didn't come out as often as I personally would have wanted, and decided to start my own, featuring another column I originated in Ateball called "The Eternal Virgin's Advice for the Lovelorn." A few friends got excited about the zine, which was called KnifEdge; after four issues, the excitement died. But all four are preserved on this site's "Comix" section, and I still have a box full of copies.

Our best experience with KnifEdge was attending the Alternative Press Expo, where we had a table. By we, I mean me and Brian (now webmaster #2), who wrote a column for it. I remember people thumbing through and getting all sracastic because I said BRIDE OF CHUCKY was "Genius." The more things change...

My dad had recently remarried, and my brother Reuben was born in September of '98. I took a vacation in early spring of 1999 back to see them, and decided that I would not be returning to the toy company when I got back. It was time, I thought, to start focusing all my energies into screenwriting and getting an agent. I figure if that was all I did, I could really make it happen.

First week back in Los Angeles, I pick up the New Times L.A., and see a large ad. "Film Critic Wanted."

Posted by LYT at 5:10 PM | Comments (4)

June 2, 2006

Wanna see where my mom lives?

This here is a trailer for the movie that was being filmed there last time I visited the UK.

Posted by LYT at 7:16 PM | Comments (3)

Out with the old?

There's been an upsurge in haters lately, and I strongly suspect it has to do with the ongoing discussion on other movie-based websites about older critics losing their jobs versus younger critics. Village Voice Media is often cited as a big offender, and occasionally I'm singled out in particular.

The question is often asked, "Is film criticism becoming irrelevant?" With record numbers of movies not screening this year, even in some case movies that I think have some merit like SILENT HILL, and then opening at number one, there's fodder for a "yes" argument.

A few, random thoughts on the matter:

1. Yes, critics in daily papers are less relevant, because daily newspapers as a whole are becoming less relevant. Sales are down across the board, and every department gets affected.

2. However, the bottom line for newpsaper owners is that movie reviews are there to draw eyeballs to the section of the paper that runs movie ads. As such, they'll likely always be around. Papers could theoretically only run puff pieces instead, but I think they'd lose readers if they were never critical at all.

3. Age ain't nothing but a number. However, if you're the type of critic who dismisses almost out of hand everything that mainstream Hollywood produces, think about how relevant that is to your readership. Andy Klein's not exactly young, but I trust him because I know he actually enjoys action movies. Any time I read a critic complain that explosions in movies hurt his or her ears, I tend to think they're no longer speaking to me.

This is not the same as saying that all action movies are good, btw. I want someone who knows the difference in quality between, say, THE MATRIX and ARMAGEDDON, and won't simply write both off because they're loud and have lots of fights.

4. Both old and young have things to offer. If there's a '50s noir retrospective at UCLA, I'd be inclined to listen to a writer who was alive in the '50s. On the other hand, I can't count the number of reviewers who said that RESIDENT EVIL was based on a shoot 'em up action game (it's actually a puzzle-solving survival horror game with some shooting). Be nice if the reviewer for a game-based movie had ever played the game...or any videogame.

5. It's never nice when someone loses their job. But we are not in a field where work is guaranteed. We are entertainers, of a sort.

"Well maybe YOU are, but some critics are serious and exchange ideas and philosophies!"

Yep, and that's still entertainment. We are the equivalent of pundits. James Carville may want to educate you on the Democratic Party platform, but he is primarily an entertainer. Stephen King is an entertainer. Tony Robbins is an entertainer. Some critics do reporting as well, which is different. Journalists may become more savvy with contacts and soforth as they get older and more grizzled, and journos have an obligation to unccover things we didn't know. Critics who just opine are entertainers. Roger Ebert, Manohla Dargis, Joe Bob Briggs, whoever. I don't consider that a demeaning term at all. I'm an easy target with my crazy hair and incessant self-promotion, but everyone has their gimmicks, even if they're more subtle (recall that for years Ebert was known to most people as "the fat one").

And entertainers have no job guarantee for life. Sadly, in the modern era no-one does. But entertainers can keep things going for themselves -- you may not always maintain the same fanbase or exact role, but you can adapt.

6. There's an argument to be made that critics should represent readership a little bit -- by that logic, daily papers should skew older, and alt-weeklies younger. I was asked once at a lecture I gave whether or not my review of a movie would be more relevant than a 12-year-old's. My response was that for other 12 year-olds, the 12 year-old's review is more relevant.

7. My favorite reviewers are the ones who are clearly writing from the heart what they believe, with no pretense. In some cases the writing may even be awkward, but I have a pretty good sense for a genuine voice, versus someone writing what they think people want to hear (a trap I fell into early on).

But what about you? Where do you get your reviews from? I assume if you're here that you get some from me, but who else? Daily paper critics, other alt-weekly critics, online-only outlets? Are the dailies irrelevant?

I open the floor. Let's keep it polite.

Posted by LYT at 5:49 PM | Comments (14)

Huge fucking perk of my apartment complex

The fact that the water sometimes gets turned of from 9 to 5, without warning, on hot summer days.

Posted by LYT at 1:17 PM | Comments (2)

Separated at Birth?

Oscar nominee and OMEN costar Pete Posthlethwaite...

...and Hoggle from LABYRINTH

Posted by LYT at 12:33 PM | Comments (2)

Get NAKED with me tonight!

Calm down, Max. Not what it sounds like.

Tonight at the Sunset 5 theater (8000 Sunset Blvd.) is the Los Angeles premiere of NAKED BENEATH THE WATER, a movie I am in, briefly...

It's at MIDNIGHT. I have no idea what the rest of the movie is like, but my scene is da bomb yo.

Since I worked at the Sunset 5 for over a year back in the '90s, it is particularly sweet to be in a movie that screens there.

Posted by LYT at 1:51 AM | Comments (4)

Two weeks and my first slip-up

I've had the equivalent of two shots of whiskey in the house for two weeks, untouched. Tonight, it is finished. I made it two weeks without a drink, and I imagine I'll make it at least another one (till Portland, heh). Gonna try not to by any alcohol till my birthday a month and a half away.

Here's what cracked me -- inflamed gum. Sometimes I get out of the habit of flossing, possibly because I never learned it as a kid. I'm not blaming my parents, as i think they tried to show me once and it hurt. There wasn't as much emphasis on it in Ireland, but there was also less junkfood in the house.

Anyway, tonight I used floss to dig out a small, soft piece of something that had lodged between gum and tooth, causing inflammation for a couple of days. Blood spilled. Wound a li'l raw. Throwing some whiskey on it felt right, medicinal even. My grandfather uses it for inflamed joints, on his doctor's advice.

But quitting has felt even righter over all. My breathing has improved quite a bit, but I've been helping it along with those anti-snore nasal strips and nose spray. Both work wonders - sometimes in the heat, it feels like my nasal passages swell up to prevent breathing. I'm not sure quite how the strips work to open things up a bit, but they do.

I mention my lapse because I never, at any point, want to be the kind of drinker who lies about what he does.

Posted by LYT at 1:29 AM | Comments (3)

June 1, 2006

Mega-reviews

"UC Berkeley gymnast Dan Millman (Scott Mechlowicz) is one of the best at what he does, and he has it all: perfect abs, a big bulge in his crotch (the camera focuses on it early on), beautiful girlfriends, and the ability to balance full beer glasses on his feet. There's just one small problem ... he has bad dreams. In the one that recurs the most, he's performing a gymnastic routine that goes wrong, causing his leg to shatter into a million little pieces. If that brings to mind the title of James Frey's recent controversial, largely fictionalized autobiography, the connection may not be accidental. This movie, Peaceful Warrior, is based on a similar mix of fiction and autobiography from the '80s titled Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives. Considering all the sequels and spinoffs subsequently authored by the real Dan Millman, one imagines that at the very least, he and his wife have had their lives changed by the substantial proceeds, so the title isn't entirely hyperbolic."

more HERE

"Probably to help guarantee international distribution, much of the film up to this point has been in English. The major problem with this is that the actors don't seem to actually understand English, and so they try to recite their lines phonetically ("Young bus'Tard!"). You will long for subtitles anytime these guys open their mouths. Fortunately, the worst offender doesn't show up again in the second half of the story. "

more HERE

"You know how in most romantic comedies, the best friends are nearly always more interesting than the actual leads we're supposed to care about? The Break-Up doesn't play that game. Vince Vaughn is the focus and the primary source of entertainment, which is all the more impressive when you consider that the supporting cast this time around features Vincent D'Onofrio, Judy Davis, John Michael Higgins, Cole Hauser, Jon Favreau, Ann-Margret, Jason Bateman, Joey Lauren Adams, and even Peter "A Christmas Story" Billingsley. "

More HERE

and one short take...

FREE ZONE

Upon being told that this new Amos Gitai movie from Israel starring Natalie Portman was pretty damn good, a colleague asked, “is it pretty damn good in a ‘Natalie's hot’ kinda way, or otherwise?” She has cruised by on her looks on several occasions, but Gitai disavows us of that possibility right off the bat, with a ten minute static close-up shot of her crying until the eyeliner runs down her face, to the tune of a mournful, insanely catchy Hebrew song about cycles of destruction. Portman plays Rebecca, a young American in Israel who leaves her fiancé after learning the truth about his past, and is so desperate to leave the country immediately that she tags along with a Jewish cab driver (Hana Laszlo) en route to the Free Zone -- an area between the borders of Iraq, Jordan, and Saudi Arabia where used cars and other things are sold -- to collect on a debt for the driver’s wounded husband. Shot mostly in close-ups, it’s a fascinating road movie with an absurdist allegorical finale.

Posted by LYT at 1:17 AM | Comments (3)